Been struggling with my sexuality for over 15 years, now I'm at an impasse. I could use some advice

  • SolidRanger

    Posts: 108

    Oct 30, 2012 3:24 AM GMT
    I'm 27 years old. I never thought at this point in my life that I would still be struggling with my sexuality. Ever since I was like 12 I've had these thoughts and feelings about men. Sometimes they are stronger than others. Sometimes I shove they down deep and bury them, only to have them resurface later. I can never tell what is right and what is wrong for me. Then 2 years ago, I started dating a girl. Things quickly got serious, but I have always had my apprehensions and have never given myself to her like a partner should. Now I'm wondering again if I'm gay or not. I love my girlfriend...but I don't think I'm in love with her. Either way I know I'm doing her wrong, but I'm so afraid to hurt her that I haven't been able to end the relationship, though I know what I'm doing to her is horrible.

    There is a side to me that I don't let out. The side of me that wants to throw up a middle finger to everyone and do the things I truly want to do, but I am terrified to do so. Part of me wants to just pull the rug out from under my life. To break up with my girlfriend, quit my job, and move to another city and start my life over. To live a life without rules and standards. To live my own live as my own person.

    I would appreciate any insight or advice anyone has to offer.
  • SolidRanger

    Posts: 108

    Oct 30, 2012 4:30 AM GMT
    28 views and not a single reply icon_sad.gif
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    Oct 30, 2012 5:11 AM GMT
    well, are you sexually attracted to your girl? Do you watch gay porn? All I can do is ask you questions that will help you discover what you are, sounds to me like you could be bi and are just struggling from not acknowledging part of who you are. Don't do anything rash, why would you want to leave all of your support and be left alone to deal with your unknown feeling? Use the people you have, that's what they're there for.
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    Oct 30, 2012 5:13 AM GMT
    Nothing wrong with liking men, don't convince yourself otherwise.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 30, 2012 5:15 AM GMT
    If you like guys with pizza faces, like guys with pizza faces. Nobody will give a fuck. I promise.

    In other words, stop giving a fuck about what other people think. Either be yourself or die miserable. You're a man, by nature. It's time you grow some balls and prove that to yourself. icon_wink.gif
  • SolidRanger

    Posts: 108

    Oct 30, 2012 5:20 AM GMT
    regeneret223 saidwell, are you sexually attracted to your girl? Do you watch gay porn? All I can do is ask you questions that will help you discover what you are, sounds to me like you could be bi and are just struggling from not acknowledging part of who you are. Don't do anything rash, why would you want to leave all of your support and be left alone to deal with your unknown feeling? Use the people you have, that's what they're there for.
    I'm sexually attracted to her sometimes. Most of the time I don't think about it. Generally when we have sex its when I wake up in the middle of the night and suddenly want to have sex. I avoid it most of the time. I do watch gay porn, but I watch straight porn too.
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    Oct 30, 2012 5:25 AM GMT
    SolidRanger said
    regeneret223 saidwell, are you sexually attracted to your girl? Do you watch gay porn? All I can do is ask you questions that will help you discover what you are, sounds to me like you could be bi and are just struggling from not acknowledging part of who you are. Don't do anything rash, why would you want to leave all of your support and be left alone to deal with your unknown feeling? Use the people you have, that's what they're there for.
    I'm sexually attracted to her sometimes. Most of the time I don't think about it. Generally when we have sex its when I wake up in the middle of the night and suddenly want to have sex. I avoid it most of the time. I do watch gay porn, but I watch straight porn too.


    That's called morning wood. If you really were attracted to her, your willy would go up every time your looked at her. Think about it. You are probably bi, but from what I am gathering you have inclination towards the "gay" side.
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    Oct 30, 2012 5:31 AM GMT
    Well that sounds to me like you are more into dudes. If you were more straight you would not avoid sex with your girl, a lot of the pleasure from sex comes from lusting for the other person, not waiting until your so horny and will do anything that is available, in your case a vagina. Talk to your girl, I bet she knows something is up and she probably thinks it's her fault.
  • FuriousGeorge

    Posts: 181

    Oct 30, 2012 5:34 AM GMT
    Hey man, 27 here too, finally came out 2 years ago as bi. I can get excited about girls too, but I know in my heart that I want to be with a man. That doesn't mean it's the same for you, but you can't ignore those feelings either. It's never too late, but the longer you put it off, the more damaging it is for everyone. Feel free to email me if you just wanna chat about it. A lot of this is still fresh in my mind.
  • A_1991

    Posts: 366

    Oct 30, 2012 5:36 AM GMT
    if your gay then just come out already. If your bi then just come out already. If you are more sexually attracted to men then just go for it. Who the hell cares what other people think yet alone your family or friends. You are 27 and life is too short not to live life the way you want to live it. Heck you already lived about 1/3 of your life already. Might as well enjoy the next 2/3 of your life being happy than be miserable. Just move to a gay friendly city, you would enjoy it more and probably be more happier just to be out of your environment and to start all over.
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    Oct 30, 2012 5:37 AM GMT
    Be true to thine ownself, but start taking small steps to be who you really are. You can do it.
    The world won't end if you finally figure out you like dick better than vagina.icon_smile.gif
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Oct 30, 2012 5:38 AM GMT
    marry her, have 3 kids, sneak and have gay sex in bushes, cars and bathrooms, eventually break her heart when it's too late for her to find a guy who will be true to her and stay with her the rest of her life .... sounds like you are working on some bad karma for yourself ... and it's selfish
  • FuriousGeorge

    Posts: 181

    Oct 30, 2012 5:42 AM GMT
    Wait, OP, why do you have a post from 2 years ago that says you told your girlfriend you were gay? Did you step out of the closet and then go back in or what? This isn't the same girl, is it? Sense: please start making it.
  • SolidRanger

    Posts: 108

    Oct 30, 2012 5:49 AM GMT
    FuriousGeorge saidWait, OP, why do you have a post from 2 years ago that says you told your girlfriend you were gay? Did you step out of the closet and then go back in or what? This isn't the same girl, is it? Sense: please start making it.
    Yeah...I broke up with her, hooked up with a guy, freaked the fuck out, and begged her to take me back. Yeah, not my best moment
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    Oct 30, 2012 5:53 AM GMT
    SolidRanger saidI'm 27 years old. I never thought at this point in my life that I would still be struggling with my sexuality. Ever since I was like 12 I've had these thoughts and feelings about men. Sometimes they are stronger than others. Sometimes I shove they down deep and bury them, only to have them resurface later. I can never tell what is right and what is wrong for me. Then 2 years ago, I started dating a girl. Things quickly got serious, but I have always had my apprehensions and have never given myself to her like a partner should. Now I'm wondering again if I'm gay or not. I love my girlfriend...but I don't think I'm in love with her. Either way I know I'm doing her wrong, but I'm so afraid to hurt her that I haven't been able to end the relationship, though I know what I'm doing to her is horrible.

    There is a side to me that I don't let out. The side of me that wants to throw up a middle finger to everyone and do the things I truly want to do, but I am terrified to do so. Part of me wants to just pull the rug out from under my life. To break up with my girlfriend, quit my job, and move to another city and start my life over. To live a life without rules and standards. To live my own live as my own person.

    I would appreciate any insight or advice anyone has to offer.



    It's easier than you can imagine to move to another city and start a new life. I have done this three times. Be a little selfish for once in your life and do something for yourself.
  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Oct 30, 2012 6:12 AM GMT
    Amoonhawk,

    Those stuff you write is so typical for gay guys living in a country (including mine) that didnt accept homosexuality. You might call it selfish, but what choice did they have when they are under tremendous pressure from family, society and everybody else to get married and start a family. Getting married and starting a family is demanded by our culture , a religious obligation and expected of you. Ever since we are a kid we all constantly told that gay lifestyle is a sin and not normal. Most of us have the attitude that "I gonna enjoy gay life now, and repented and get married latter"

    Nearly all my bf and friend that I use to hang around in club , disco and pick up joint is now married and have kids. Some lead a secretive double life and remain gay behind the so call straight married. Most are good husband and provider for thier family eventhough they are not faithful to their wife .

    It sad, but I withness this stuff all the time. If I am slightly bisexual, I probably willl be marry and have children too.

  • FirestormDavi...

    Posts: 340

    Oct 30, 2012 6:41 AM GMT
    OP, you say you want to live life off your own blueprint but you also describe your goal as having no standards. Have standards or else you will wish you did. I can love females and have tried that route but it always seems like I'm a captain going down with a ship.
    You want to have an actual voyage and feel what it's like to let your heart float instead of sink, aim at a man who is good for you, who is a sturdy, self-loving man, and your dreams will manifest as your man's man, man.
  • pharmstudent

    Posts: 162

    Oct 30, 2012 7:05 AM GMT
    FirestormDavid saidOP, you say you want to live life off your own blueprint but you also describe your goal as having no standards. Have standards or else you will wish you did. I can love females and have tried that route but it always seems like I'm a captain going down with a ship.
    You want to have an actual voyage and feel what it's like to let your heart float instead of sink, aim at a man who is good for you, who is a sturdy, self-loving man, and your dreams will manifest as your man's man, man.


    I agree and from my personal experience being with a women doesn't mimic or dissipate your gay feelings. It actually does the opposite and I can see you're reaching the tipping point.
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    Oct 30, 2012 11:57 AM GMT
    maybe you are bi, in school I thought I was gay, I lost all interest in girls, became super into guys, but didn't want to be gay, then I got really into girls and I didn't even try make myself this way , then I was into both then just girls now both for the last while lol
    but I know it's always been this way now was hard for me to understand then

    it can be confusing but it's worth figuring out,
    I'm bi now and I dunno maybe not experimenting influenced that I dunno tbh, but that's what I recommend like tell your gf you need time to find yourself or something and then start trying new things (:
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Oct 30, 2012 1:07 PM GMT
    so here's my honest opinion: it's 2012 and you have a pancake over your face.

    you're clearly attracted to me, you clearly want to be with men, and you clearly want to change your life. nothing anyone here is going to tell you is anything you don't already know. you can either do something for yourself or your can continue to feel miserable and make threads about it. so why don't you stop skulking and make yourself happy for once?
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    Oct 30, 2012 1:14 PM GMT
    Watch Brokeback Mountain. That's what your life will be like.
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    Oct 30, 2012 1:40 PM GMT
    Time for you to accept who you are! Bi or gay, only you know what that is. Stop the self loathing, it will only ruin your life. Break up with, or the very least, talk with the girlfriend. She deserves to live her life happy as well.
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    Oct 30, 2012 1:47 PM GMT
    you are gay - G A Y - GAY. learn to deal with it. but perhaps you wont, I have met more than often people like you, you are 27 right now? I am 29, I had accepted that I was gay when I was in ninth grade even though I come from a third world country where there used to be life imprisonment if you were gay (thankfully not anymore - well it's still is supreme court). Anyways if you are physically attracted to men then you are gay, and you have been with your beard for 2 years and have not given yourself to her the way a "man" should then there is your answer. You cannot run away from who you are.
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    Oct 30, 2012 1:54 PM GMT
    I too have struggled with this and now I am 39. At 27 I was with my current wife for 4 years and we got married. I was hoping my attraction to men would go away over time.. stupid thought. We now have 2 kids. I have never had a physical relationship with a guy since married although there are many times that I just want to. It is torment. But the choice I made Bc I was scared of the repercussions from my conservative family and friends. Living in the south wasn't conducive to the lifestyle. So now I live a life of semi fufillment. I have a great wife and kids but know I am missing something. I am sure eventually I will get the courage to do something about it but it is very complicated now. My advice to you is to explore your options. It isn't fair to your girlfriend to cheat. If you decide to go the Herero route there are plenty of pictures you can look at.. feel free to email me. Good luck
  • jeepguySD

    Posts: 651

    Oct 30, 2012 1:59 PM GMT
    You say that you love your gf, but that you are not "in love" with her. That is an important distinction. So, ask yourself, are you being fair to both her and yourself? Can you picture yourself committing to a women, and living the rest of your life without cheating on her by touching a man? Do you honestly feel more "right" with a woman or with a man (social stigmas and social pressures notwithstanding)?

    When you watch str8 porn, do you look more at the women, or the hot men?

    Answers to these questions might help you narrow things down.