Let's start out as friends and build from there. Let's take it slow.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 30, 2012 3:08 PM GMT
    I met a great guy about a month ago and we hit it off great. We see eachother about once a week and enjoy our time together.

    We went thru a brief "honeymoon" phase I guess you can say i.e. texts messages etc and things have started to slow down a bit. He says that he wants to build a strong freindship first / lovers second. I TOTALLY get that and respect and am more attracted to him because of it.

    I actually feel the same. My dilemma if you can call it that is how do I control my impulses and hold on loosely but don't let go, Because if you "cling" too tightly you lose control?

    I have a life with alot of hobbies, interests, friends, job ect to keep me busy I just can't get him off my mind.

    How do you control the urge to want to see him and text him? I know better but it don't make it any easier.

    Thanksicon_confused.gif
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    Oct 30, 2012 3:44 PM GMT
    I know it's hard to do that, "let's build a strong friendship first, lovers second". I am sorry but I dont agree with that concept. If you like somebody why would you not just simply date him. I may be wrong but I doubt he is interested in dating you. Anyways good luck. I have very good self control, I just do, it's very very hard but I control myself, if somebody says something like that to me, I never contact them first and let them decide what they want and I just keep to myself, more than often they never get back to me. I very strongly believe that "if a guy wants to make it happen, he will make it happen" - a dialogue from "he is just not that into you". If I am interested in somebody I make it clear in simple language and dont beat around the bush, and if they say things like "i am busy with school, friendship first lovers second, the distance is an issue etc. or anything else" then I let it go and I dont contact them from then on, if they are interested they will come back if not so be it, life is not a bed of roses. It doesnt mean I cut them off from my life whenever they contact me I reply cordially and talk cordially, but no I never contact them.
    I have also been on the other side, where guys have made it clear that they want to date me and I have made excuses like "only interested in friendship, too much work, distance is an issue etc." some of them get the signal some of them dont, 2-3 times it has happened that the guys were not reading the signal and kept forcing me to try to make it work and kept asking what I dont like in them etc. etc., it's hard to deal with such people so I always try to be not that person. If somebody is not interested, I let it go, it's hard but I have learned to do that.
  • Import

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    Oct 30, 2012 3:49 PM GMT
    walleyedjack saidI met a great guy about a month ago and we hit it off great. We see eachother about once a week and enjoy our time together.

    We went thru a brief "honeymoon" phase I guess you can say i.e. texts messages etc and things have started to slow down a bit. He says that he wants to build a strong freindship first / lovers second. I TOTALLY get that and respect and am more attracted to him because of it.

    I actually feel the same. My dilemma if you can call it that is how do I control my impulses and hold on loosely but don't let go, Because if you "cling" too tightly you lose control?

    I have a life with alot of hobbies, interests, friends, job ect to keep me busy I just can't get him off my mind.

    How do you control the urge to want to see him and text him? I know better but it don't make it any easier.

    Thanksicon_confused.gif

    I hear ya brotha.

    you obviously are very into this individual... and u dont wanna risk losing what u have because you fear if you get too "texty" or too "expressive" with him it may chase him off? So u try and resist expressing ur like for this guy, you try and not txt him when all u wanna do is txt him and tell him how much you like him?

    Just remember not to lose yourself in this. Txt him daily still, even if u feel things have "slowed down" a bit. So what? Become friends with him....see where it goes. Talk to him like a friend....while sometimes talking to him like a bf.....u know... when appropriate slip in sweet little thing u'd wanna say to him if yall was together, but dont expect him to say things back. Dont expect anything really. Just go with it and talk to him. Keep the line of communication open. Maybe call him once or twice a week, real quick just to say hi, see whats up.... tell him you're looking forward to the next time u see him. But dont be all wishy washy about it.....just casually say it and keep the convo going...
  • Import

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    Oct 30, 2012 3:53 PM GMT
    whatever3009 saidI know it's hard to do that, "let's build a strong friendship first, lovers second". I am sorry but I dont agree with that concept. If you like somebody why would you not just simply date him. I may be wrong but I doubt he is interested in dating you. Anyways good luck. I have very good self control, I just do, it's very very hard but I control myself, if somebody says something like that to me, I never contact them first and let them decide what they want and I just keep to myself, more than often they never get back to me. I very strongly believe that "if a guy wants to make it happen, he will make it happen" - a dialogue from "he is just not that into you". If I am interested in somebody I make it clear in simple language and dont beat around the bush, and if they say things like "i am busy with school, friendship first lovers second, the distance is an issue etc. or anything else" then I let it go and I dont contact them from then on, if they are interested they will come back if not so be it, life is not a bed of roses. It doesnt mean I cut them off from my life whenever they contact me I reply cordially and talk cordially, but no I never contact them.
    I have also been on the other side, where guys have made it clear that they want to date me and I have made excuses like "only interested in friendship, too much work, distance is an issue etc." some of them get the signal some of them dont, 2-3 times it has happened that the guys were not reading the signal and kept forcing me to try to make it work and kept asking what I dont like in them etc. etc., it's hard to deal with such people so I always try to be not that person. If somebody is not interested, I let it go, it's hard but I have learned to do that.


    also, very sound advice.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 30, 2012 4:05 PM GMT
    whatever3009 saidI know it's hard to do that, "let's build a strong friendship first, lovers second". I am sorry but I dont agree with that concept. If you like somebody why would you not just simply date him. I may be wrong but I doubt he is interested in dating you. Anyways good luck. I have very good self control, I just do, it's very very hard but I control myself, if somebody says something like that to me, I never contact them first and let them decide what they want and I just keep to myself, more than often they never get back to me. I very strongly believe that "if a guy wants to make it happen, he will make it happen" - a dialogue from "he is just not that into you". If I am interested in somebody I make it clear in simple language and dont beat around the bush, and if they say things like "i am busy with school, friendship first lovers second, the distance is an issue etc. or anything else" then I let it go and I dont contact them from then on, if they are interested they will come back if not so be it, life is not a bed of roses. It doesnt mean I cut them off from my life whenever they contact me I reply cordially and talk cordially, but no I never contact them.
    I have also been on the other side, where guys have made it clear that they want to date me and I have made excuses like "only interested in friendship, too much work, distance is an issue etc." some of them get the signal some of them dont, 2-3 times it has happened that the guys were not reading the signal and kept forcing me to try to make it work and kept asking what I dont like in them etc. etc., it's hard to deal with such people so I always try to be not that person. If somebody is not interested, I let it go, it's hard but I have learned to do that.
    Your probably right... to early to tell. He text me everymorning to have a great day etc and ends it with kisses so..... just have to wait and see.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 30, 2012 4:08 PM GMT
    Import said
    walleyedjack saidI met a great guy about a month ago and we hit it off great. We see eachother about once a week and enjoy our time together.

    We went thru a brief "honeymoon" phase I guess you can say i.e. texts messages etc and things have started to slow down a bit. He says that he wants to build a strong freindship first / lovers second. I TOTALLY get that and respect and am more attracted to him because of it.

    I actually feel the same. My dilemma if you can call it that is how do I control my impulses and hold on loosely but don't let go, Because if you "cling" too tightly you lose control?

    I have a life with alot of hobbies, interests, friends, job ect to keep me busy I just can't get him off my mind.

    How do you control the urge to want to see him and text him? I know better but it don't make it any easier.

    Thanksicon_confused.gif

    I hear ya brotha.

    you obviously are very into this individual... and u dont wanna risk losing what u have because you fear if you get too "texty" or too "expressive" with him it may chase him off? So u try and resist expressing ur like for this guy, you try and not txt him when all u wanna do is txt him and tell him how much you like him?

    Just remember not to lose yourself in this. Txt him daily still, even if u feel things have "slowed down" a bit. So what? Become friends with him....see where it goes. Talk to him like a friend....while sometimes talking to him like a bf.....u know... when appropriate slip in sweet little thing u'd wanna say to him if yall was together, but dont expect him to say things back. Dont expect anything really. Just go with it and talk to him. Keep the line of communication open. Maybe call him once or twice a week, real quick just to say hi, see whats up.... tell him you're looking forward to the next time u see him. But dont be all wishy washy about it.....just casually say it and keep the convo going...
    Thanks for the advice. We do text back and forth from time to time. i'll just take things right now at face value and if it was meant to be... it was meant to be either way.
  • Fable

    Posts: 3866

    Oct 30, 2012 6:45 PM GMT
    FRIENDZONE
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 30, 2012 7:23 PM GMT
    walleyedjack said... Because if you "cling" too tightly you lose control?
    icon_confused.gif


    This! Relationships are not about control.

    Trying to control a relationship is just another word for codependent.

    My codependency is all about my ego. Shatter that a few times, and you may learn how healthy self-esteem is. Healthy people attract other healthy people and relationships.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 30, 2012 8:16 PM GMT
    deltalimen said
    walleyedjack said... Because if you "cling" too tightly you lose control?
    icon_confused.gif


    This! Relationships are not about control.

    Trying to control a relationship is just another word for codependent.

    My codependency is all about my ego. Shatter that a few times, and you may learn how healthy self-esteem is. Healthy people attract other healthy people and relationships.


    I get what your trying to say but sorry..... I've been very happy and content on being single and actually like myself!!

    What I was getting at had nothing about controlling a relationship but controlling my feelings.

    But I can see how you read my topic.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 30, 2012 8:18 PM GMT
    fable saidFRIENDZONE
    Friendzone?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 30, 2012 8:24 PM GMT
    walleyedjack said[...] How do you control the urge to want to see him and text him? I know better but it don't make it any easier.
    Thanksicon_confused.gif


    Sounds like you're doing as much as you can. If it's mutual and meant to develop then it will. Keep enjoying, and good luck! I hope it works out well for the both of you!
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    Oct 30, 2012 8:44 PM GMT
    BuddyinNYC said
    walleyedjack said[...] How do you control the urge to want to see him and text him? I know better but it don't make it any easier.
    Thanksicon_confused.gif


    Sounds like you're doing as much as you can. If it's mutual and meant to develop then it will. Keep enjoying, and good luck! I hope it works out well for the both of you!
    Thanks icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 30, 2012 11:25 PM GMT
    I don't have any sage advice but anyone who can so seamlessly slip in lyrics from .38 Special gets a thumbs up from me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 31, 2012 12:12 AM GMT
    Stay friends with him but keep meeting other guys, go on dates etc. Giving yourself options is what keeps you from locking on and it also makes you more of a catch. Also, when you get the urge to be around him, try to figure out what your need is at the time. Sometimes we're just lonely or bored and we want someone to hang out with. Other times we need attention or need affection or to be validated. All are normal needs but they require the other person to satiate them in some way. Once you figure out the need, you can find other ways to have them met and better control your impulses.

    If he's told you he wants to move slow, it usually means really, really slow.
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    Oct 31, 2012 2:01 AM GMT
    whatever3009 saidIf I am interested in somebody I make it clear in simple language and dont beat around the bush...

    I have also been on the other side, where guys have made it clear that they want to date me and I have made excuses like "only interested in friendship, too much work, distance is an issue etc." some of them get the signal some of them dont, 2-3 times it has happened that the guys were not reading the signal and kept forcing me to try to make it work and kept asking what I dont like in them etc. etc., it's hard to deal with such people so I always try to be not that person. If somebody is not interested, I let it go, it's hard but I have learned to do that.


    So you make it clear when you're interested in someone, but beat around the bush instead of being clear when you are not interested?

    I pisses me off when all I want to know is if a guy wants to try to make things work or if they aren't interested and they just beat around the bush. We're big boys, you can tell us you aren't interested.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 31, 2012 2:19 AM GMT
    I read the signals and I expect the same from others, if you are not reading the signal you are not mature enough.
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    Oct 31, 2012 2:45 AM GMT
    whatever3009 saidI read the signals and I expect the same from others, if you are not reading the signal you are not mature enough.


    Sure, sure... or, you know another way to be mature would be to speak what you mean instead of ducking out of a conversation you might find to be uncomfortable. Some people would consider that to be the mature thing to do.
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    Oct 31, 2012 5:49 AM GMT
    Let's be good friends first, and see what happens . This does sound like a Jane Austen novel to me . You said you were in a honeymoon phase, but somehow, reading between the lines, I doubt very much that this honeymoon had any sex in it. As someone pointed out, you are in the "friend zone." That very rarely transitions into the "lover" zone.
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    Oct 31, 2012 2:55 PM GMT
    HikeSwimSkiSF saidLet's be good friends first, and see what happens . This does sound like a Jane Austen novel to me . You said you were in a honeymoon phase, but somehow, reading between the lines, I doubt very much that this honeymoon had any sex in it. As someone pointed out, you are in the "friend zone." That very rarely transitions into the "lover" zone.
    Yes actually the honeymoon had alot of sex involved. We still do. Just want to build a strong freindship foundation first before skipping down the aisle thats all. He actually has been the one texting me and initiating the conversations and such.
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    Nov 04, 2012 4:04 AM GMT
    walleyedjack said
    HikeSwimSkiSF saidLet's be good friends first, and see what happens . This does sound like a Jane Austen novel to me . You said you were in a honeymoon phase, but somehow, reading between the lines, I doubt very much that this honeymoon had any sex in it. As someone pointed out, you are in the "friend zone." That very rarely transitions into the "lover" zone.
    Yes actually the honeymoon had alot of sex involved. We still do. Just want to build a strong freindship foundation first before skipping down the aisle thats all. He actually has been the one texting me and initiating the conversations and such.
    Then I misinterpreted your original post . Spend as much time together as you can when not having sex, and see what develops . At some point, you will have to decide whether or not your relationship is turning into a real relationship, or just friends with benefits.
  • jwand09

    Posts: 91

    Nov 04, 2012 7:05 AM GMT
    take your time....i wish i did with a few of mines....
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    Nov 04, 2012 7:30 AM GMT
    Congrats, it sounds like a good start to a relationship to me. My advice, just go with the flow for now. When you start thinking about him, try to distract yourself. I think its okay to text him every once in awhile, just see the time between his texts and figure out his timeline so you can try to work around it. Just make sure to enjoy the time you do spend together.
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    Nov 06, 2012 6:53 PM GMT
    Taking it slow and building a good relationship.... so far so good. icon_biggrin.gif

    Thanks for the input guys,. Things are moving along great!!