Losing a friend

  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Oct 30, 2012 11:30 PM GMT
    Feeling terrible right now.. and wish to vent. I think I just lost my only friend in NYC after a terrible fight, and I lost my bearings. I'm usually strong but this one hurts deeply.

    I moved to NYC about three months to make a push and be an independent filmmaker. I quit my 'safe' job with the US government, blew up my credit, and spent what remained of my savings to make a stab and get restarted in NYC.

    I dated my friend A for several weeks after I moved here. The romantic relationship didn't work out. We had different relationship styles, and by the time I discovered I had feelings for him and that we had potential for a relationship, it was too late for him. He had moved on.

    We remained friends. Unfortunately, he's the only friend I made while living here. We had been getting along fine. I enjoy his company tremendously.. but things went very wrong during the storm these past couple of days. He invited me to spend the storm with him. Things were right at first, but apparently, everything I did while at his place started to get on his nerves. He's the grouchy, touchy type, so it doesn't take much to put him on edge. Everything from my putting my feet on his carpet to me not buying a bottle of wine at the right time made him blow up at me. That, and several social mishaps that happened at previous occasions while we were out with some of his friends.

    Now, he has the wrong impression of me. Labeled me 'selfish', 'socially inept', and 'playing the victim'. I'm afraid I lost his friendship, and I'm still reeling from it all. I don't even know what I did wrong. He has the total wrong impression of me. But now I've no friends in NYC, barely have a job, the filmmaking thing isn't happening and i"m feeling at a very low place.

    I don't even know what to do with myself now. Called some of my friends and now I'm typing this here because I don't want to pick up the phone and try to talk some sense into my friend. The friendship is very likely over.. and I just can't believe. Now I'm just depressed and alone.
  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Oct 31, 2012 2:17 AM GMT
    And it's done. Friendship over. I left my charger at his place so I went by quickly and picked it up. I gave him a small gift and paid for my share of food he got to get us thru the storm (as I always intended too).

    Will never understand what went wrong here. And will be saddened for quite some time.

    I'm going to take a shower.. and get a night of rest. Guess tomorrow is a new day. Time to find new connections in NYC.
  • GuyD87

    Posts: 30

    Oct 31, 2012 4:09 AM GMT
    Your friend sounds like a dick, might be better to move on man. NYC is a tough city, but there are some chill people if you look around. Don't be afraid to put yourself out there, I'm sure you'll find your crowd.
  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Oct 31, 2012 7:40 AM GMT
    Thanks, guy. It's 335am and it figures that I can't sleep. The loss has me up and awake. I need sleep to heal emotionally, but it's not coming tonight.

    There have got to be better men in NYC..but the two I've come across have been heartless. This city has a way of transforming people for the worst. I'm here still considering if I can work towards a future here. It seems so doubtful right now.
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Oct 31, 2012 7:49 AM GMT
    I wonder what his version of this is?? I say this because there are always 2 sides to a story.icon_idea.gif

    You can pull out the resume' and get back to what you were good at hopefully. Until then you could always waitericon_idea.gif
    Til then--It's fun to stay at the Y M C A.
  • booboolv

    Posts: 203

    Oct 31, 2012 9:17 AM GMT
    Without open communication any relationship is doomed to failure. If your friend is important enough to risk further rejection, print out what you've written here, which is your feelings and your reaction to what happened. I cannot begin to fathom the stress of living through that storm, but I can relate to how stress can tear apart friendships and families.

    Tell him while a romantic relationship didn't work out because you each have different relationship needs, and by the time you discovered you had feelings for him you felt it was too late to pursue a meaningful relationship because he had moved on.

    Tell him you enjoy his company tremendously, but somehow things went very wrong during the storm and you are willing to accept your share of the responsibility for that. Remind him you didn't intentionally go out of your way to get on his nerves.

    Be willing to learn how to avoid those social mishaps that happened at previous occasions while you were out with some of his friends.Ask your friend how you can change his perception of you being "selfish', 'socially inept', and 'playing the victim.'

    Be honest and open and tell him you are afraid you messed up bad enough to have lost his friendship, which is so important to you that you're still reeling from it all. Ask him to explain what went wrong. Tell him you're afraid he has the total wrong impression of you. Tell him he is your most important friend in NYC, that, without playing the victim, the consequences of this blow up has you feeling at a very low place and you would like to do what you can to bring closure to this terrible experience.

    I hope you can work things out. I really do. If not, then maybe this is an opportunity for you to develop your own circle of friends. Skip the romantic entanglements for now, and establish your own personhood (if that is even a word), focusing on your career, your goals, and your own personal, emotional, mental, and spiritual health.

    Good luck. Message me through the RJ email system and let me know how it all works out, OK?

    Take Care
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 31, 2012 12:31 PM GMT
    With friends like that, who needs friends?
  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Oct 31, 2012 1:14 PM GMT
    Heading to work this morning. Buses are running in Brooklyn. Carrying on. Want to text him badly, but there's no use. He's irrational and I don't want to get verbally kicked in the teeth again.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Oct 31, 2012 1:20 PM GMT
    PR_GMR saidHeading to work this morning. Buses are running in Brooklyn. Carrying on. Want to text him badly, but there's no use. He's irrational and I don't want to get verbally kicked in the teeth again.


    Sorry to hear you've lost (or feel that you've lost) a friend. I'd encourage you to assess how much of a friend he really has been. Flexibility is always important. I'm more concerned that you don't have other friends there to spend time with....take time and reach out and develop some new friends. You don't need to spend time like this. Be reasonable with regards to your (now former) friend, but if he doesnt' show the same consideration to you, I'd move on without looking back.

    Keep us informed, you took a risk to move to NYC and make your dream come true. Certainly we RJ folks care and want to help. Have a great day.
  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Oct 31, 2012 1:23 PM GMT
    Thanks for the responses. They help. Booboly, specially thanks for your thoughtful reason. I tried saying all those things. It was no use. When he gets upset, he gets so bitchy and nasty. Never in my life have I come across someone so bitchy. It's his defense mechanism after years of failed relationships in NYC. I'm not going to play his game.

    I need to control myself and have no contact for sometime. I'm bad at keeping no contact when a friendship or relationship goes bad. Must control myself. In likelihood, we'll never talk again. Gonna have to be strong enough to accept that and move on.
  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Oct 31, 2012 1:30 PM GMT
    Thanks for your response, HandsomeKansan. The loss feels specially tough because he was my only 'true' friend in NYC. I never thought I was going to lose him over so silly a fight.

    I need more friends, and I don't make them easily ( which may be why he thought I was 'socially inept'). But I'll somehow make new ones.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 31, 2012 1:57 PM GMT
    Friendship is something so simple yet becomes complicated later in life. I now understand why some people only have a handful of "friends."

    Growing up I always was a shadow of my older brother or a stepping stool to be his friend. I was never popular and always been made fun of. As I got older and after high school graduation it was a mission of mine to be everyone's friend. I went out of the way to please everyone and everybody. Doing so I learned that no matter what you can do no matter how hard you try there are just some people who will never be happy.

    The friendship maybe over but so is the drama. Hang in there as you mourn the lose of a friendship.
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    Oct 31, 2012 3:22 PM GMT
    PR_GMR saidFeeling terrible right now.. and wish to vent. I think I just lost my only friend in NYC after a terrible fight, and I lost my bearings. I'm usually strong but this one hurts deeply.

    I moved to NYC about three months to make a push and be an independent filmmaker. I quit my 'safe' job with the US government, blew up my credit, and spent what remained of my savings to make a stab and get restarted in NYC.

    I dated my friend A for several weeks after I moved here. The romantic relationship didn't work out. We had different relationship styles, and by the time I discovered I had feelings for him and that we had potential for a relationship, it was too late for him. He had moved on.

    We remained friends. Unfortunately, he's the only friend I made while living here. We had been getting along fine. I enjoy his company tremendously.. but things went very wrong during the storm these past couple of days. He invited me to spend the storm with him. Things were right at first, but apparently, everything I did while at his place started to get on his nerves. He's the grouchy, touchy type, so it doesn't take much to put him on edge. Everything from my putting my feet on his carpet to me not buying a bottle of wine at the right time made him blow up at me. That, and several social mishaps that happened at previous occasions while we were out with some of his friends.

    Now, he has the wrong impression of me. Labeled me 'selfish', 'socially inept', and 'playing the victim'. I'm afraid I lost his friendship, and I'm still reeling from it all. I don't even know what I did wrong. He has the total wrong impression of me. But now I've no friends in NYC, barely have a job, the filmmaking thing isn't happening and i"m feeling at a very low place.

    I don't even know what to do with myself now. Called some of my friends and now I'm typing this here because I don't want to pick up the phone and try to talk some sense into my friend. The friendship is very likely over.. and I just can't believe. Now I'm just depressed and alone.
    Don'e fret! It will get better with time. You'll be surprised how fast you will make new friends once you go out and share yourself with people. Time heals!!
  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Nov 05, 2012 7:40 PM GMT
    An update:

    I went to the gym today and ran into him. Instead of ignoring him, I right away walked up to him and we exchanged pleasantries. We said Hello and exchanged notes on how our week had gone. He wasn't nasty. Neither was I. I apologized to him for whatever I did to upset him and asked him if he wanted to have a coffee sometime and discuss things. He said ok and that he would call sometime. We left it at that.

    I'm glad..because it was all a baby step forward to heal what happened. We shall see if the coffee meetup happens, but at least, it was a pleasant exchange. I've been doing some healing and thinking in the past week and realized I was putting too much stock in this friendship; relying too much on his company. I realize now too that I must make the extra effort to make new friends in the area, and I'm going to take myself out in the following weeks and work on improving my social skills. It's also a good idea to keep a bit of distance from him because I'm in a vulnerable state, and I've been confusing the friendship with some romantic feelings since me and him dated back in August. I need to put that behind me and if we're to be in each other's lives it must a friendship only.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 05, 2012 9:04 PM GMT
    It's a power game. Stop apologizing to him and move on with your life.

    You can't just turn a switch and be friends with someone you have feelings for... and he knows this.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 05, 2012 9:30 PM GMT
    I don't know...although things sound positive after your encounter at the gym, from how you've described your disagreement it doesn't sound like it will get better.

    OK, but here's how it's really going to go down. You'll use the heartsickness you feel about losing him to justify enduring the dickishness he's sure to exhibit once you crack a few more of those eggshells you've been walking on.

    Just be friends. Coffee, chats at the gym. And I apologize for sounding like the kind of person who'll say "I told you so..." at the miserable end. I promise, I will not.
  • TheBizMan

    Posts: 4091

    Nov 05, 2012 9:38 PM GMT
    He sounds like an asshole... Unless you are really all of those things.
  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Nov 06, 2012 8:48 PM GMT
    Thanks for your responses, guys. I think you're all right, specially mickey's response.

    mickeytopogigio saidI don't know...although things sound positive after your encounter at the gym, from how you've described your disagreement it doesn't sound like it will get better.

    OK, but here's how it's really going to go down. You'll use the heartsickness you feel about losing him to justify enduring the dickishness he's sure to exhibit once you crack a few more of those eggshells you've been walking on.

    Just be friends. Coffee, chats at the gym. And I apologize for sounding like the kind of person who'll say "I told you so..." at the miserable end. I promise, I will not.


    My instincts are telling me you're 110% correct. Thanks for your wisdom. I'm working on letting this go. It's for the best.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 06, 2012 8:53 PM GMT
    It will be what you make it. Clearly, there's another side to this story, and it seems you don't know it. Have that coffee; go find out. In the meantime, make new friends. All the best!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 06, 2012 8:53 PM GMT
    Try to make new friends, that way you can free up some of your dependency on having him as your sole source of friendship.
  • booboolv

    Posts: 203

    Nov 08, 2012 8:17 PM GMT
    PR_GMR saidThanks for the responses. They help. Booboly, specially thanks for your thoughtful reason. I tried saying all those things. It was no use. When he gets upset, he gets so bitchy and nasty. Never in my life have I come across someone so bitchy. It's his defense mechanism after years of failed relationships in NYC. I'm not going to play his game.

    I need to control myself and have no contact for sometime. I'm bad at keeping no contact when a friendship or relationship goes bad. Must control myself. In likelihood, we'll never talk again. Gonna have to be strong enough to accept that and move on.


    It sounds like you're taking charge and moving on. Maybe someday you and he will grow close again. I think it's good you are taking the necessary steps to grow from this experience. Your friend would be wise to do the same but we all walk our own paths and grow at different rates and in response to different events in our lives.

    You seem like a really great guy from what I've read in your forum posts, so keep up the good work in your heart and mind. Hopefully you'll soon find you have to choose who to hang out with because you have so many friends!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 08, 2012 8:44 PM GMT
    Being friends and living under the same roof peacefully can be two different things.... It's as simple yet complex as that.