Top vs. bottom in relationship (sex-free topic) (well, almost)

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 31, 2012 1:08 PM GMT
    This issue is quite funny (even for myself), but lately it's become quite a drag for me personally.

    Here goes.

    The division between the one who cuddles and the one who is cuddled in the relationship is debatable, but generally there are men who like to be dominant and supportive and those who prefer to be cared about and enjoy this support (more like a stereotypical heterosexual man-woman relationship). Now, it is hard to find a cliche gay "bottom" guy who arranges flowers and cooks fantastic dinners, and a gay "butch" one who drives the car and watches sports with a beer in his hand - we make usually quite intriguing combinations of the two. However, we still tend to fulfill the role of a "husband" and a "wife" in the relationship (notwithstanding sexual preferences - a total masculine top can be a total sissy outside the bedroom, which, by the way, and to my horror, I find quite endearing).

    My point: do you play either of the roles? And if so, do you always play it, or does it depend on your partner? Or are you trying to make a relationship truly versatile? And is it even possible?
  • kevmoran

    Posts: 1543

    Oct 31, 2012 2:29 PM GMT
    I definitely like to play the 50s housewife. But I find that not a lot of guys like that, they want someone very similar to them.
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    Oct 31, 2012 2:36 PM GMT
    My boyfriend and I compliment each other very well. We both have traits that are masculine and feminine. I tend to be the nurturer/protector/logical-problem-solver, but he is a great planner/explorer when we travel. I am usually big spoon when we cuddle, but I'm also bigger. Neither one of us are very clean. We both take leadership positions. We don't have husband/wife roles.
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    Oct 31, 2012 3:09 PM GMT
    Actually many of gay couples I know have stict division between "husband" and "wife" (which doesn't necessarily mean that the "wife" is the bottom, or feminine) and that a couple cannot function properly in a different form icon_cool.gif
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    Oct 31, 2012 3:15 PM GMT

    "My point: do you play either of the roles?"

    Nope.

    "Or are you trying to make a relationship truly versatile?"

    Nope. No effort required.

    "And is it even possible?"

    Yep, as easy as existing.
  • Medjai

    Posts: 2671

    Oct 31, 2012 3:23 PM GMT
    I'm the bottom, and the housewife. I cook, clen, and do laundry. I love to shop, and am much higher maintenance. He will always make more money than me, in his profession.

    To my horror, we are a total cliche. Kinda funny though. In person we're less obvious, but you can definitely tell by division of labor.
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    Oct 31, 2012 3:46 PM GMT
    Hmm I'm a bottom but i dunno about the physical sense in terms of who gets to do what work wise. But emotional wise, I'm a lot stable and developed so the nurturing, caring part is usually my aspect while he fulfills other parts that i want. The rest I expect equality.
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    Oct 31, 2012 3:47 PM GMT
    My 2nd LTR was long distance due to life circumstances (we were just about to move in together on a boat--so just the opposite of long distance--when he died) so I can't actually judge well our dynamics, as though we chatted for often hours almost every day during all those years we were only in close proximity every so often. We actually weren't even sexually compatible but got along so well on every other level that it would have been dumb to let sex get in the way. Our other connections were too tight to let go. Given an open relationship that would have continued to be completely satisfying for the rest of my life, hadn't the bitch died so soon.

    But by my 1st LTR which was tons of body contact--we were both horny as hell--cuddling was a very different dynamic than what otherwise might have appeared or manifested. Out of bed he was way more demonstrative & physical. During sex I was probably more aggressive when it was just us. Add a chic to the mix and his aggression kicked in. And for cuddling I was mostly big spoon. He easily & often fell asleep in my arms. It was an interesting dynamic because I think he felt very safe with me in bed, while I felt very safe with him in the world.
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    Oct 31, 2012 8:42 PM GMT
    Feminine energy wants safety and nurturing. Masculine energy respect and fun.

    Imagine a husband cuddling his wife, who is cuddling their baby.
    Husband = masculine (for nurturing his wife).
    Baby = feminine (for receiving mother's love).
    Wife = masculine (towards baby) and feminine (towards husband).

    Rule out anal sex. Top/bottom becomes whose emotional nature best fits what life aspect.

    My own emotional nature is masculine. I can't help initiating things — introductions, plans, ideas, solutions. I'm nurturing, a rock amidst tumult, logical in a sea of emotion, domineering in opinion and want respect. That conflicts with my feminine needs. Being a teddy bear, I like to be cuddled and nurtured. Design, symmetry and color marriage come naturally, too. Cliche but true.

    Oddly, I prefer to be big spoon — small spoon gives me claustrophobia.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 31, 2012 8:57 PM GMT
    looked up the term "acquired incompetence"

    it's part of any symbiotic relationship
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 31, 2012 10:22 PM GMT
    Bottoms should know their place. In the kitchen
  • FireDoor211

    Posts: 1030

    Oct 31, 2012 10:24 PM GMT
    kevmoran saidI definitely like to play the 50s housewife. But I find that not a lot of guys like that, they want someone very similar to them.


    I like that, so stay with it and keep up hope. I can't be the only one.
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    Oct 31, 2012 10:48 PM GMT
    I never really look at it as a roles but more 50/50. My last two relationships were with men who were total tops and they liked to be in control but to complement our relationship we learned to balance this. I'm patient and normally relaxed not passive but not aggressive. (Unless I needed to be) I took control over areas they were weak in and vice-versa. This helped the relationship progress and we became more like equals. (This also worked out well in the bed room. :lolicon_smile.gif
  • Vaughn

    Posts: 1880

    Oct 31, 2012 11:17 PM GMT
    I'm a bottom and I am biologically incapable of being big spoon. In terms of gender roles.... I can buy my own dinner and why the fuck would I want flowers? icon_rolleyes.gif

    I'm not one to cook and clean for someone else. Bitches know their place.
  • Vaughn

    Posts: 1880

    Oct 31, 2012 11:20 PM GMT
    aimveryhigh saidBottoms should know their place. In the kitchen


    No head for you. icon_evil.gif
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    Oct 31, 2012 11:31 PM GMT
    Vaughn saidI'm a bottom and I am biologically incapable of being big spoon. In terms of gender roles.... I can buy my own dinner and why the fuck would I want flowers? icon_rolleyes.gif

    I'm not one to cook and clean for someone else. Bitches know their place.


    That's not true. You could be a big spoon...to anorexic midgets. icon_twisted.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 31, 2012 11:36 PM GMT
    Vaughn saidI'm a bottom and I am biologically incapable of being big spoon. In terms of gender roles.... I can buy my own dinner and why the fuck would I want flowers? icon_rolleyes.gif

    I'm not one to cook and clean for someone else. Bitches know their place.


    Ditto!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 01, 2012 12:02 AM GMT
    I am pretty masculine and I don't feel like I play a role. I am just a normal guy. The guys I've dated have also been normal guys.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 01, 2012 12:24 AM GMT
    I will get back to you on this topic....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 01, 2012 12:25 AM GMT
    "Many gay couples I know"
    What from TV???

    Get to know more.

    Try this on for size label boy:
    Power Top to his Power Bottom: I cook, clean, iron, work the on the cars, install the new shower, keep our social life busy. He makes sure all the bills are paid, our finances and my ego in check.
    Many people we let in to our life, try, like you, to wrap their mind around it, compare it to breeders; there-in lies your first problem.
    We are not hetero and benefit greatly from NOT trying to act like we are.
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    Nov 01, 2012 12:46 AM GMT
    dustin_K_tx said
    Power Top to his Power Bottom: I cook, clean, iron, work the on the cars, install the new shower, keep our social life busy. He makes sure all the bills are paid, our finances and my ego in check.
    Many people we let in to our life, try, like you, to wrap their mind around it, compare it to breeders; there-in lies your first problem.
    We are not hetero and benefit greatly from NOT trying to act like we are.

    Well said. A couple is effortlessly-compatible energies and complementary skills.
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    Nov 01, 2012 12:49 AM GMT
    For me, it totally depends on the individual relationship with each partner. I have been both top and bottom. I enjoy both roles, but I prefer my top partner to be more built than I.
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    Nov 01, 2012 12:52 AM GMT
    johnk01850 saidFor me, it totally depends on the individual relationship with each partner. I have been both top and bottom. I enjoy both roles, but I prefer my top partner to be more built than I.

    204031_o.gif
    icon_wink.gificon_wink.gificon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 01, 2012 12:54 AM GMT
    dustin_K_tx said"Many gay couples I know"
    What from TV???

    Get to know more.

    Try this on for size label boy:
    Power Top to his Power Bottom: I cook, clean, iron, work the on the cars, install the new shower, keep our social life busy. He makes sure all the bills are paid, our finances and my ego in check.
    Many people we let in to our life, try, like you, to wrap their mind around it, compare it to breeders; there-in lies your first problem.
    We are not hetero and benefit greatly from NOT trying to act like we are.




    That about sums it up for us, although we're both sexually Vers.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 01, 2012 12:57 AM GMT
    I'd like to have a word with whoever mandated anal intercourse a gay sex norm. Please and thank you. icon_cool.gif