Dating military with PTSD

  • 1blind_dog

    Posts: 376

    Oct 31, 2012 6:33 PM GMT
    Has anyone dated or had a relationship with a guy in the military (active or retired) with PTSD and if so what was your experience?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 31, 2012 10:10 PM GMT
    i'm sure there are immeasurable threads on ptsd here. i've suffered off and on for a couple of decades (retired law enforcement) and have several friends from the vietnam experience who are fucked in one way or another for life.

    I don't think the medical world has their head around ptsd, it's been ignored for so long by government and health officials. For me it has been a solo walk thru the mine field and i've just about come out on the otherside ok.....but i know some of it will go with me to the grave....
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    Oct 31, 2012 10:18 PM GMT
    I've got ptsd, but not from military or law enforcement work.

    Mine was from abuse growing up, raped by a guy I was seeing in CO, and another from a traumatic situation after moving back to AZ a few years ago... I've learned to handle it, but there are aspects of life I can't allow myself to experience, kinds of people and situations I have to avoid, and precautions I have to take to keep from being overrun by the anxiety and fear that messes with my mind. I've got my own issues, so yeah, accept me or not.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Oct 31, 2012 10:26 PM GMT
    PTSD%20and%20MMJ%20a%20sollution%20for%2
    http://valetudocafe.wordpress.com/2011/06/14/worth-repeating-medical-cannabis-may-treat-ptsd/
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 31, 2012 11:43 PM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidPTSD%20and%20MMJ%20a%20sollution%20for%2
    http://valetudocafe.wordpress.com/2011/06/14/worth-repeating-medical-cannabis-may-treat-ptsd/
    I only need a doctor to tell me to, and I will; otherwise, no can do. icon_neutral.gif
  • 1blind_dog

    Posts: 376

    Nov 01, 2012 9:35 AM GMT
    I've no doubt there are a number of threads, I'm just curious for the point of view of someone other than myself whom has dated someone with PTSD.
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    Nov 01, 2012 2:05 PM GMT
    Everyone has baggage, you just gotta accept people for who they are.

    I havent dated someone with PTSD but I can imagine it is like the above sentence.
  • Medjai

    Posts: 2671

    Nov 01, 2012 2:13 PM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidPTSD%20and%20MMJ%20a%20sollution%20for%2
    http://valetudocafe.wordpress.com/2011/06/14/worth-repeating-medical-cannabis-may-treat-ptsd/


    Any excuse you can get, hey?
  • NHsports

    Posts: 52

    Nov 01, 2012 2:51 PM GMT
    I have never dated a guy but a friend of mine has it and refuses any treatment. He goes through periods of being a complete recluse and cannot sleep for long periods of time without having bad nightmares that scare him. He pushes people away so I imagine dating him would be a hard experience.
  • hawkeye7

    Posts: 565

    Nov 01, 2012 2:52 PM GMT
    It is a journey for him and a journey for you. You may not find the same place when it is over, or it may be the place you spend the rest of your life. You just don't know. Would you rather have 30 minuets of wonderful or a lifetime of nothing special? I know it is from a movie, but the truth is a truth.
    When you come down to it......we are men.therefore we can be a jackass at times, PTSD can make it worse.
    Set your boundary and stick to it. You can be the lighthouse in the storm but only so much as he wants to find it.
    There comes a time when you have to stand up and be a man.......consequences one way or another.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Nov 01, 2012 3:20 PM GMT
    hawkeye7 saidIt is a journey for him and a journey for you. You may not find the same place when it is over, or it may be the place you spend the rest of your life. You just don't know. Would you rather have 30 minuets of wonderful or a lifetime of nothing special? I know it is from a movie, but the truth is a truth.
    When you come down to it......we are men.therefore we can be a jackass at times, PTSD can make it worse.
    Set your boundary and stick to it. You can be the lighthouse in the storm but only so much as he wants to find it.
    There comes a time when you have to stand up and be a man.......consequences one way or another.


    ^^^ EXCELLENT advice!

    I not only dated but was in a 4 to 5 year relationship with a man with PTSD. However, at the time we met and fell in love, neither of us understood this. It wasn't from military or other service where violence was involved but, rather, from a) an abusive childhood and b) having run away from home at age 16 and lived on the streets (mostly NY) as a prostitute until age 21. When I met him he was 39, white collar, and (other than being HIV+) seemed quite healthy.

    As our relationship developed, however, his mental/emotional health deteriorated. We were in love but we were the exact WRONG personality types for one another. It was a very passionate relationship but we both inadvertently re-injured one another (opened up old wounds) just by being who we were. It would take a novel to explain just how that worked (one I hope to write someday). Suffice it to say, at first we didn't know what was going on and by the time we figured it out, it was already too late to save our relationship -- but not our friendship or our emotional and physical health.

    If you love someone, the fact that they suffer from PTSD shouldn't matter in and of itself. Many if not all of us have repressed baggage we may not even have a clue about unless we've spent years exploring our psyches with a professional. It is just another challenge requiring sensitivity, learning and genuine caring. Other than that, what hawkeye7 said is it. In a healthy relationship, BOTH partner's needs are met.
  • shutoman

    Posts: 505

    Nov 01, 2012 3:23 PM GMT
    I have a close female friend who's (recently divorced from) husband has been a war journalist for 20 years solid.

    I cannot say with certainty that he has PTSD (and, indeed, the ambit of its diagnosis seems very broad, even now). I can say that over that period he became increasingly withdrawn, temperamental, controlling and violent. The latter resulting in, for instance, her jaw being broken in four places (she told no-one until the divorce got underway and the discovery process flushed it out).

    If your understanding of human nature is that we generate conditioned responses, PTSD is not only unsurprising, but near inevitable. I am not qualified to offer treatment - but some form cognitive treatment is probably most effective for what seems to be an essentially cognitively generated condition.

    May I suggest a browse of the website of the Academic Centre for Defence Mental Health at King's College London:

    http://www.kcl.ac.uk/kcmhr/acdmh/index.aspx

    The publications section has a number of online-accessible titles.
  • hawkeye7

    Posts: 565

    Nov 01, 2012 3:26 PM GMT
    there are so many amazing men on this site, can have have an amen? or maybe a convention
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Nov 01, 2012 3:33 PM GMT
    hawkeye7 saidthere are so many amazing men on this site, can have have an amen? or maybe a convention


    AMEN... I may be new here but I'm very impressed with the quality of men in this forum -- on all levels. Hot, caring, intelligent, outspoken, funny, even controversial.

    Wow!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 01, 2012 3:34 PM GMT
    hawkeye7 saidthere are so many amazing men on this site, can have have an amen? or maybe a convention

    PREACH_zpsb57dd7be.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 01, 2012 3:36 PM GMT
    Dating someone with PTSD or any other metal illness or trauma is incredibly difficult. You're going to go through a roller coaster of responses from them. The hard part, to me, is remembering to take care of yourself and have healthy boundaries. Recognize that you can't fix them or make it all better. You can love them and be supportive. You can make things easier for them. But they should be doing the same thing for you, as best they can. You'll have to cut them some slack but you can't lose track of your needs.

    I'd highly recommend this book to anyone who loves someone with mental trauma/issues. You have to understand yourself before you can really be there for them.

    41c7%2Bsarx1L._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-st
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 01, 2012 3:49 PM GMT
    My ex had a severe case of PTSD from his time in Iraq and yes, he could be incredibly difficult to deal with. He often had violent outbursts and mood swings that eventually led to the ending of our relationship. I don't think it can ever be cured, but managed. I tried to stick it out with him out of loyalty but his refusal to continue treatment or own up to his behavior was something I could not deal with any longer. It's a long road ahead for anyone dating someone with this. Good luck...
  • 1blind_dog

    Posts: 376

    Nov 02, 2012 5:03 AM GMT
    I'm still friends with my ex. We had known each other for 4 years before we ever dated. He happened to get stationed a couple hours away from me. We had a good 9 months together. He was transferred and it took him a month to decide not to take me with him. I recently moved within a couple hours of where he is stationed. He's on his fifth tour to the middle east and gets back in a month. I have no idea if anything will ever happen again with us. He did openly regret to me 6 months later that he wished he would brought me with him. He's an amazing guy and I love him to death. I can deal with the PTSD and deployments and completely support his career in the military. For the most part and he knows it. His shorter sleep hours, waking suddenly in the middle of the night not knowing where he's at, I get it and just want to support him. What gets to me is the drinking. He's pretty good about not drinking during the week but when the weekend comes friday and saturday are all night long. There's no such thing as a couple drinks. He's 9 years older than me but I'm the one who'd rather stay in and watch a movie. He says the alcohol helps him to deal with things one at a time. I get how it helps him cope but I just can't keep up with him. Between in the military and growing up a bull rider he's beat his body to hell. I just hate the thought of losing him young because of his past, chewing for years, and having part of his life run by alcohol. And more, I don't see him willing to see a therapist after he gets back. He's already stated this deployment has taken a bigger tole on him than any of the others. One small decision kept him from being in the same room as a suicide bomber that killed two American soldiers. He probably has another 2 or 3 deployments before he gets in his 20 years. Despite all of this, he's the best relationship I've been in, we get along great and makes me feel more comfortable than anybody I've been with, we truly care about each other in or out of a relationship, and our sex life was incredible. I have pulled back from him and I'm not going to pursue anything more than our friendship when he gets back, but I know what he needs more than anything is to know somebody cares about him. Unfortunately, he's one of those people who believes he hasn't been a great person in life and doesn't deserve good things. It can be difficult to be with him but it's so hard not to love him.
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    Nov 02, 2012 5:14 AM GMT
    hawkeye7 saidthere are so many amazing men on this site, can have have an amen? or maybe a convention


    WORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • vintovka

    Posts: 588

    Nov 02, 2012 5:16 AM GMT
    Well, given your last post I'd say this: PTSD might be treated with medication, but should not be self-medicated any more than any other psychiatric condition. A disturbingly high percentage of people who end up addicted to drugs (including the legal ones, like alcohol) are survivors of sexual abuse (a common cause of PTSD) or have other untreated mental health issues. So, I'd be more worried about the self medication than the PTSD itself. If it were you I wouldn't get involved unless he were willing to get some professional help, but you can do what you like, obviously.
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    Nov 02, 2012 5:19 AM GMT
    I know all too well what you are going though OP, and for the sake of my ex I would rather not put his business on here. But inbox me if you ever need advice. Believe me when I say I have dealt with this for 6 years...
  • 1blind_dog

    Posts: 376

    Nov 02, 2012 5:24 AM GMT
    I know he was never sexually abused but he does have a strong sexual past and a father (parents divorced) who did everything he could to make sure his kids wouldn't be gay and ended up having two gay sons (his youngest brother is also gay)