I slept with my ex...twice

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 02, 2012 11:23 PM GMT
    Hey guys, I don't post here often, but searching for some advice and/or feedback on my situation.

    I am currently in a relationship of five months with a guy who is absolutely incredible. He is caring, faithful, smart and loves me completely. The only downside is that he is 300 miles away and our entire relationship so far has been long distance. We've made it work by trying to see each other every 2-3 weeks, still it's difficult. We have talked about marriage and being together long-term, but I am worried this talk may be too much too fast. I have doubts because I've been down this road before.

    Enter my ex. He was the love of my life for a year. But, we broke up, horribly, last year at this time. We lived together, we worked together, raised a dog together and our sex life was amazing. However, we fought constantly. We broke up mostly because things got somewhat violent and I didn't feel I could control his temper. And we were too stubborn to change at the time. So, I ended up walking out on him. We hooked up a short while after we broke up but haven't seen each other since April.

    Last night he (my ex) called and asked if he could stop by and see my new place. Being curious and vulnerable, I said ok. I got into his car and the conversation quickly turned from us talking about our current boyfriends to him kissing me with his hand down my pants. We moved from his car to my bed in what seemed like one maneuver and before we knew it, we were naked, rolling around in my sheets. We came twice. The sex was hot, passionate and wrong.

    Now I am lost on what to do or even think. It's messy and I feel awful for having betrayed my partner's trust. At the same time, I realized part of my heart still resides with my ex. Maybe I am not completely over him.

    Has anyone been in this type of situation? I know most will say its best to tell my boyfriend and be honest with him, but won't that hurt him more? Should I walk away from both and start completely new? Do you ever truly get over your first/great love? And why is sex with an ex so damn good?
  • Just_Tim

    Posts: 1723

    Nov 02, 2012 11:41 PM GMT
    freightonThe sex was hot, passionate and wrong.


    You said it. There's really no excuse, even if he was "the love of your life."

    I think if you DON'T come clean to your current guy then that, mixed with cheating on him in the first place, means you really don't care about him as much as you think. If that's the case you should definitely walk away. If he doesn't first.
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    Nov 03, 2012 12:38 AM GMT
    You're both right. After reading my own words its more clear what I should do.

  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Nov 03, 2012 12:47 AM GMT
    Stephane75 saidYou have to come clean with your bf....




    NO icon_exclaim.gif


    The OP is in a long distance, occassionally together relationship.

    He owes no explanation of what he does during their long periods of time apart.
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    Nov 03, 2012 1:16 AM GMT
    This is really very easy.

    Take your initial post, and imagine it's your BF of 300 miles away writing it.

    Like this:

    "I am currently in a relationship of five months with freighton who is absolutely incredible. He is caring, faithful, smart and loves me completely. The only downside is that he is 300 miles away and our entire relationship so far has been long distance. We've made it work by trying to see each other every 2-3 weeks, still it's difficult. We have talked about marriage and being together long-term, but I am worried this talk may be too much too fast. I have doubts because I've been down this road before.

    Enter my ex. He was the love of my life for a year. But, we broke up, horribly, last year at this time. We lived together, we worked together, raised a dog together and our sex life was amazing. However, we fought constantly. We broke up mostly because things got somewhat violent and I didn't feel I could control his temper. And we were too stubborn to change at the time. So, I ended up walking out on him. We hooked up a short while after we broke up but haven't seen each other since April.

    Last night he (my ex) called and asked if he could stop by and see my new place. Being curious and vulnerable, I said ok. I got into his car and the conversation quickly turned from us talking about our current boyfriends to him kissing me with his hand down my pants. We moved from his car to my bed in what seemed like one maneuver and before we knew it, we were naked, rolling around in my sheets. We came twice. The sex was hot, passionate and wrong.

    Now I am lost on what to do or even think. It's messy and I feel awful for having betrayed freighton's trust. At the same time, I realized part of my heart still resides with my ex. Maybe I am not completely over him. "

    Now what would you want your BF to do?

    Another way is to imagine your sister's BF posted this. What advice would you give your sister?

    warmly,

    -Doug







  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Nov 03, 2012 1:24 AM GMT
    I good person would be honest.

    A bad person would string them both along.

    Either way, what happened to the dog?icon_razz.gif
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    Nov 03, 2012 1:35 AM GMT
    Hmmm.....I'm assuming by your post that you have a monogamous agreement with your partner. So if that's the case, you really fucked up by cheating on him. But honestly, in my opinion, emotional infidelity is even worse. So even if by chance you do have an open relationship, that still doesn't excuse the emotional betrayal. You've opened a real can of worms by hooking up with your ex. I can't see going back to your ex as a good option, as going back to a violent relationship is never a good idea, regardless of how good the sex was. And you can't continue things with your current partner without telling him what happened. To continue with your current relationship without disclosing what transpired would poison your relationship. And yes....you can definitely get over your first love.
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    Nov 03, 2012 1:51 AM GMT
    HottJoe saidI good person would be honest.

    A bad person would string them both along.

    Either way, what happened to the dog?icon_razz.gif


    The dog went to his Aunt, he stayed in the family. Sorta. icon_sad.gif
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    Nov 03, 2012 1:53 AM GMT
    Stephane75 said
    rnch said
    Stephane75 saidYou have to come clean with your bf....




    NO icon_exclaim.gif


    The OP is in a long distance, occassionally together relationship.

    He owes no explanation of what he does during their long periods of time apart.


    Maybe i read his original post wrong, but he describes his current bf as ''faithful'' and says he feels he betrayed his bf`s trust.

    He hasn`t mentioned if they are in a monogamous relationship, but that`s what`s implied here. IF that is the case, then yes he needs to tell his bf.

    The OP obviously feels like crap about the situation, so that implies it`s not just a regular long distance open relationship. I may be wrong, but the fact is that he`s obviously just not as into his current bf as he feels he should be anyways.

    I'd be very surprised to see them together for long.


    Yes we are in a monogamous relationship and yes I feel like crap. Devastated actually. I realize my actions were wrong, but I have to live them now.
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    Nov 03, 2012 2:11 AM GMT
    I'm sorry to hear that you fucked up and now you either have to face the music with your current bf, or hold a secret which will grow more bitter and hurtful with time.

    I know. Because, I've been in your shoes. I kept the secret for nearly a year before it nearly ate me alive. I faced the music after a year and it ruined the relationship which I had when I cheated.

    Lesson learned? Don't cheat.

    However, that does not help you now that the horse has been in the barn...twice.

    What I suggest is to consider...
    1. Getting the book "The Monogamy Myth" and read it soon and before your bf comes home from wherever he's at. Understand more about monogamy as a commitment, and what drives people to cheat.
    2. Making an appointment with a therapist. Ideally, do this before your bf comes home. Start working on how you're going to handle breaking the truth to your current bf. Remember, bad news is like lettuce...it does not improve with age.
    3. That when bf comes home...as soon as he comes home...you need to sit down and face the music. You need to be prepared to tell him everything and answer any question he has. Also, tell him what you have been doing to acknowledge and take responsibility for your error and what if anything you are doing to prevent this from happening again. You need to be prepared for him to dump you. You may be able to get a second chance.
    4. That you've forever broken the trust between you and your bf. You may be forgiven in time and be given a second chance, but don't count on it. If you are given a second chance, know that the relationship can be fixed, but that the crack will always be there.

    You have a moment of personal leadership before you. No matter what you choose to do (or not), your own character and your own self-respect will be defined by how you navigate this dilemma.

    Finally, I do not recommend "keeping the secret". From my own experience, I believe that is perhaps the poorest choice a person can make.

    P.S. Break all ties with you ex. If he knew you were in a relationship, then he is evil.
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    Nov 03, 2012 2:25 AM GMT
    GAMRican saidI'm sorry to hear that you fucked up and now you either have to face the music with your current bf, or hold a secret which will grow more bitter and hurtful with time.

    I know. Because, I've been in your shoes. I kept the secret for nearly a year before it nearly ate me alive. I faced the music after a year and it ruined the relationship which I had when I cheated.

    Lesson learned? Don't cheat.

    However, that does not help you now that the horse has been in the barn...twice.

    What I suggest is to consider...
    1. Getting the book "The Monogamy Myth" and read it soon and before your bf comes home from wherever he's at. Understand more about monogamy as a commitment, and what drives people to cheat.
    2. Making an appointment with a therapist. Ideally, do this before your bf comes home. Start working on how you're going to handle breaking the truth to your current bf. Remember, bad news is like lettuce...it does not improve with age.
    3. That when bf comes home...as soon as he comes home...you need to sit down and face the music. You need to be prepared to tell him everything and answer any question he has. Also, tell him what you have been doing to acknowledge and take responsibility for your error and what if anything you are doing to prevent this from happening again. You need to be prepared for him to dump you. You may be able to get a second chance.
    4. That you've forever broken the trust between you and your bf. You may be forgiven in time and be given a second chance, but don't count on it. If you are given a second chance, know that the relationship can be fixed, but that the crack will always be there.

    You have a moment of personal leadership before you. No matter what you choose to do (or not), your own character and your own self-respect will be defined by how you navigate this dilemma.

    Finally, I do not recommend "keeping the secret". From my own experience, I believe that is perhaps the poorest choice a person can make.

    P.S. Break all ties with you ex. If he knew you were in a relationship, then he is evil.


    I appreciate your advice. And thank you for the book recommendation.

    While I don't feel the need, nor fully believe in, seeing a therapist, I know that I have some decisions to make.

    PS, have you read The Velvet Rage?
  • demasi

    Posts: 76

    Nov 03, 2012 4:28 AM GMT
    GAMRican saidI'm sorry to hear that you fucked up and now you either have to face the music with your current bf, or hold a secret which will grow more bitter and hurtful with time.

    I know. Because, I've been in your shoes. I kept the secret for nearly a year before it nearly ate me alive. I faced the music after a year and it ruined the relationship which I had when I cheated.

    Lesson learned? Don't cheat.

    However, that does not help you now that the horse has been in the barn...twice.

    What I suggest is to consider...
    1. Getting the book "The Monogamy Myth" and read it soon and before your bf comes home from wherever he's at. Understand more about monogamy as a commitment, and what drives people to cheat.
    2. Making an appointment with a therapist. Ideally, do this before your bf comes home. Start working on how you're going to handle breaking the truth to your current bf. Remember, bad news is like lettuce...it does not improve with age.
    3. That when bf comes home...as soon as he comes home...you need to sit down and face the music. You need to be prepared to tell him everything and answer any question he has. Also, tell him what you have been doing to acknowledge and take responsibility for your error and what if anything you are doing to prevent this from happening again. You need to be prepared for him to dump you. You may be able to get a second chance.
    4. That you've forever broken the trust between you and your bf. You may be forgiven in time and be given a second chance, but don't count on it. If you are given a second chance, know that the relationship can be fixed, but that the crack will always be there.

    You have a moment of personal leadership before you. No matter what you choose to do (or not), your own character and your own self-respect will be defined by how you navigate this dilemma.

    Finally, I do not recommend "keeping the secret". From my own experience, I believe that is perhaps the poorest choice a person can make.

    P.S. Break all ties with you ex. If he knew you were in a relationship, then he is evil.



    This is really the best advice.

    I hope you follow it to a T.

    Seeing a therapist is a good idea because you should be focusing on 'what matters' and not having these convoluted ideas that your ex (who was violent and clearly doesnt respect you) is someone that you should be giving the time of day to.

    If you negotiate on anything in GAMRican's post. Please do not keep it a secret from your partner because it will eventually surface at some point in another and it's going to hurt like fuck if you had been dishonest and kept it a secret in this time.
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    Nov 03, 2012 4:32 AM GMT
    Just_Tim said
    freightonThe sex was hot, passionate and wrong.


    You said it. There's really no excuse, even if he was "the love of your life."

    I think if you DON'T come clean to your current guy then that, mixed with cheating on him in the first place, means you really don't care about him as much as you think. If that's the case you should definitely walk away. If he doesn't first.


    I am sorry to say but this is the hard truth. You failed your current guy and went back to your ex. Your feelings won and you have not really moved on from your ex. We all make mistakes but you have to own up to them.
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    Nov 03, 2012 4:36 AM GMT
    GAMrican said, "You have a moment of personal leadership before you. No matter what you choose to do (or not), your own character and your own self-respect will be defined by how you navigate this dilemma."

    ..this is very very important, freighton.

    -Doug

    ...and you should get a hug because this is painful. So...*hug*
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Nov 03, 2012 4:44 AM GMT
    I hope you used a condom .... you have no idea who your ex bf has been sleeping with

    He did it to be vindictive. You are weak, and you let him manipulate you so he could screw up your life once more.

    Not sure what to say about your current bf, I certainly would not tell him by phone or by email. I would fly out there immediately and come clean with him and let the chips fall where they may. If he loves you, I think he will forgive you.
  • Shark100

    Posts: 234

    Nov 03, 2012 4:46 AM GMT
    Face the fact that you made a mistake, your BF does not deserve you, not because he has not cheated as well but because in a relationship there is not room for lies, especially when we talk about sex with other people and even worse with an ex BF. I know sexx is fxxxxx good, but will you sacrifice a great relationship with an awesome guy just to have a few minutes of passion with a guy who is violent and who does not respect that you are in a relationship with other guy.

    Your BF deserves the truth, whatever comes after, it is the result of your own actions. This porbably is a lesson to not forget mate.

    Good luck!!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 03, 2012 4:51 AM GMT
    I just want to say that I have a lot of respect for the men who've commented on this thread and given me advice.

    It is not going to be easy. But I know what I have to do.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 03, 2012 4:58 AM GMT
    freighton saidI just want to say that I have a lot of respect for the men who've commented on this thread and given me advice.

    It is not going to be easy. But I know what I have to do.



    We're here with shoulders if you need.

    *impressed*

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    Nov 03, 2012 5:00 AM GMT
    Hey feighton, so you've got yourself in a bit of a mess.
    I've never been in a romantic relationship before, but I know in any relationship, there is always residual feelings. To me it sounds like the only reason the relationship ended was because it got violent and you fought. If it wasn't for that you probably would've still been together. The fact that you left him because of this issue, meas there are obviously still some residual feeling there.

    To answer your questions:
    1. I've never been in this type of situation.
    2. The fact is, you've already hurt him he just doesn't know it yet. At the same time, he may have hurt you without you knowing it. You could never tell him, but that means you are essentially lying to him. Though it may seem like the right decision to you, ask yourself would you would want to know if he cheated on you? Would it be better to have this come up later after you've started a life together (most likely it will) or now? If you did tell him, and he forgives you, then its something you two would get through together, but at the same time, he may never trust you again or break up with you.
    3. Walk away from your ex. You did it for a reason the first time. Talk to your current bf and let him decide if it is over. I'm not sure if because you are in a long distance relationship the two of you agreed it was okay to be in an open relationship. If not you at least owe him the truth.
    4. Like I said above, you never get over a relationship.
    5. Um ... history adds to passion? I'm not sure.

    Long story short: Tell him and let him decide if he wants to end it.
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    Nov 03, 2012 5:01 AM GMT
    Ask yourself what you want first then decide. I mean, I see 2 possible solutions.

    1/ You and your current bf live 300 miles apart, it's easy to *cheat or give in to temptation sometimes. This is why long distance relationship seldom work, you two have to be closer or living in the same city/make an effort for it to work. Come Clean to him, tell him the affair, he might dump you or forgive you, face the music.

    2/ If you don't love your current bf anymore and still yearn to be with your ex. Then, you should break if off with your current BF and profess your feelings to your ex. Some may say that this is a very risky route but if your ex love you or still have feelings, he might reciprocate. I mean, only you can tell if he still love you though. Reading from your post, I think you're still in love with your ex and he knows what you like.

    or 3rd option, break it all off, be single again and choose an entirely different guy.

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    Nov 03, 2012 5:12 AM GMT
    OK, I would disagree with a lot of what you have been advised, thought maybe I have a more practical approach.
    I agree it would be a good idea for you to see a therapist, but not because you cheated on your bf, but because you stayed in a relationship with a violent man for a period of time. Yeah, it was stupid for you to sleep with your ex, and you should admit to yourself that you were cheating on your bf. You might want to talk to your therapist about this too . But I would not mention this indiscretion to your current bf , if you are not going to make a habit of cheating on him . Telling him will only ruin or end your relationship with him . You should feel guilty for cheating on him, but keep your guilt to yourself . Confess to a priest if you are Catholic, if you can find a gay priest - otherwise keep it to yourself. Since you are weak-willed, cut off contact with your ex . Why would you EVER want to have contact with your ex, if he were violent to you? That your boyfriend is 300 miles away should have no bearing on whether you cheat on him or not. If you are not up to a long distance relationship, then end it , but don't cheat on your boyfriend just because he is 300 miles away.
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    Nov 03, 2012 6:02 AM GMT
    The contributors who replied here, I think, have tried to offer you some sensitive and compassionate counsel, but I would characterize much of it as wildly over-dramatic. But I don't think that is their fault. It is yours. The way you have described these so called affairs makes it sound as if you had destroyed something precious and unique. Something that you cultivated over a long period of time.

    Let's assess what you have shared a bit more critically:

    You claim to be in a 5-month "relationship" with someone who is 300 miles away and with whom you physically meet every two or three weeks. 300 miles is roughly the distance between San Jose and Los Angeles; or a bit less than NY to DC.

    5 months means that you have probably been physically together with this man since June, right? That's about 22 weeks. If you met every other weekend, that means about 11 times, right?

    You write, "We have talked about marriage and being together long-term, but I am worried this talk may be too much too fast."

    Yes, most likely too fast. Not for everybody, but likely too fast for you.
    The previous "love of your life" lasted a year. What you've found this time is a nice desirable potential boyfriend with whom you've had a few dates. When you weren't with him, you couldn't keep your dick in your pants.

    Keep your mouth shut for now and your zipper up from now on. Instead of claiming to be "in a monogamous relationship" and planning for the long term with this new guy, walk the walk for a while.

    Try to step back and have a little perspective on this.
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    Nov 03, 2012 7:34 AM GMT
    I don't think you fucked up. You aren't married and you don't live together. You might call that a relationship but your balls don't agree. " if you can't be with the one you love , love the one you are with"
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    Nov 03, 2012 7:46 AM GMT
    The question is if you are so in love with your bf than why'd you do it? Secondly, I'm not sure what is to be gained by telling him other than hurting him for your own selfish guilt.
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    Nov 03, 2012 9:25 AM GMT
    Dude, I'm gonna make this short and sweet. Bail on both of them and just start over. Before you know it, you're gonna become stuck in some weird-ass love triangle or something.

    Follow your heart, but sometimes you should take your brain along with you as well. Remember that. icon_wink.gif

    Dean
    Xx