Closed off Mess Up

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 03, 2012 2:07 PM GMT
    I recently have fallen for this incredible guy. I can't stop thinking about him... from the moment I wake up in the morning, to the time I go to bed. I wonder what he does through out the day. What meetings he is going to for work and who he is sitting next to.... Are they nice? do they smell? Is he comfortable? Is someone hitting on him?(Do i need to check a bitch!)

    Our relationship is/was great, had it all and then some. However, there is a fault on my part. I am closed off. We all have our reasons for who we are. I understand that. I have been opening up to him, telling him my deepest feeling and thoughts... (but i have this fear I am going to get hurt.) He would respond in a response of comfort and understanding. I feel warm, safe, and best of all loved for the first time and a very long time. But yet I pull away... I'll say things... some stupid things. Blaming my poor body image or such... just to mask why I feel so closed off.

    Now we had a conversation and it was pretty heated... Now he doesn't want to talk to me and I feel like shit. I can't sleep or eat much. I just have him on my mind.

    The big eye opener here is the pain I feel is so much more than then fear I had about opening up. I don't know what to do. I feel like i met "the one" and I just messed it all up. I can't express it in words. I just become overwhelmed.

    I just don't know what to do. I want to fight for him, but how can I do that when he doesn't want to speak to me.

    I don't post like this... but advice or words of wisdom would be great.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Nov 03, 2012 2:23 PM GMT
    Wow. Sigh, I feel for you. Don't know if I have any sage advice. I've been where you are for the past ten years (after my last LTR). Only just now getting out of my shell and feeling very socially shy.

    That said, I don't know what you said to him that led to this situation, so hard to know what to suggest. I do know from experience that new relationships can hit rough spots. Sometimes you get through them, sometimes not. What to do? Send him a note? Flowers and a note? Don't know what would be appropriate in your situation... Maybe invite him out to dinner or coffee saying something like, "I'm sorry (if you are), I really miss you. I'd like to have a chance to work this out with you or at least get closure." ... like I say, not sure what would be the right thing for you to say. Maybe flowers aren't it. Maybe you can think of something you know will get his attention in a positive way.

    So, I guess what I'm saying is, when you feel this way you have to take the initiative to try and set things right. But, of course, you can't control how he feels, either. If he doesn't respond or responds negatively, well, sadly, you have your answer and you have to move on.

    By the way, I glanced at your profile. You are a very handsome young man. I 'get it' that you've been hurt before but you needn't ever have a negative body image. Or, if you do, you need to work on that for yourself.

    Don't know if anything I've said is useful but I feel for ya!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 03, 2012 3:48 PM GMT
    There is no "the one" so you are kind of lucky to be pushing people away. Allows for healthy people to have a chance at love while you can keep being a self absorbed tool.
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    Nov 03, 2012 3:59 PM GMT
    smartmoney saidThere is no "the one" so you are kind of lucky to be pushing people away. Allows for healthy people to have a chance at love while you can keep being a self absorbed tool.


    Er, that was really very mean. He was closed off out of fear of being hurt. He just discovered the hurt of being closed off driving a love away.

    Genre, we sent you an email. We'll assist you in any way we can insofar as kind advice that we can give you.

    warmly,

    -Doug of meninlove
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 03, 2012 4:45 PM GMT
    I used to be closed off as well, to the point it drove me crazy. I went through the same thing you're going through that I became obsessive about the guy. Thankfully I never got to the point where I was stalking him, but it could have gone that way.
    After coming out on the other side stronger and smarter, I realised it wasn't about the guy but the wanting to connect with someone. You too will come through this stronger and smarter.

    Be good to yourself.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 03, 2012 5:11 PM GMT
    When you're in enough pain you'll change. . .Looks like you're getting close.

    Genre said I can't stop thinking about him... from the moment I wake up in the morning, to the time I go to bed.


    Aren't you exhausted? That's not love; that's obsession. Obsession can and will turn into compulsion.

    Fear is the basis of all our dysfunction. We will never control our fear, but we can learn to do the opposite...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 03, 2012 7:01 PM GMT

    Genre (because we know what happened today) we just want to say that what you did IS reaching out in likely the most magnificent way a person can, and we both admire you for it.

    As well, give him time to let it sink in. In the meantime, we're here at your beck and call.

    very warmly

    Doug and Bill

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 03, 2012 7:19 PM GMT
    @smartmoney : are you calling Genre unhealthy for thinking he could meet someone with life-long potential? Even though I myself don't see myself with one person for the rest of my life, I would never go so far as to call someone else unhealthy for thinking that they will find that person. Everyone is wired differently; I suggest you check yours for a short.icon_confused.gif

    @Genre: I'm not sure if/how your situation has progressed at all since you originally posted, but I'm confident you will make the right choices, simply because of the feelings you've said you feel. It's all about balance, and the weighing of the pros and cons. You've established that not having him in your life hurts more than the pain of not opening up. That's more than many people can admit. I hope you've acted on it icon_smile.gif

    @meninlove: You guys are incredible. I'm so glad we/I/RJ has your wisdom, insight, and compassion at our disposal. I've had a couple great mentors throughout my openly gay life, and they are both 50+. I don't how old you are but I can tell that you represent, respect and uphold traditional values that I've often feared would never exist/last in the cyberworld (because so many people my parents' age or older just don't use blogs, etc.) I'm confident that the advice you've given Genre is some of the best out there.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 03, 2012 7:24 PM GMT
    wow this is deep..

    best I could do is to wish you well! stick on the positive note, time has it's hours, don't grasp it too tight though just ease a little and stay with that note.

    bless you!
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    Nov 03, 2012 7:31 PM GMT
    Even if it was the wrong moment, the wrong words, and the wrong things to say, even if it hurt bad, you should take pride on taking a chance to do what you think you should rather than listening to your fear.
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    Nov 03, 2012 7:37 PM GMT
    minox saidEven if it was the wrong moment, the wrong words, and the wrong things to say, even if it hurt bad, you should take pride on taking a chance to do what you think you should rather than listening to your fear.



    This.
  • southernT

    Posts: 33

    Nov 03, 2012 7:37 PM GMT
    wow, I wish I could find some one like you. You did what you have to do. There are a lot of people that are waiting for you out there. Just move on....... If I am in your situation. I will be sad as well but for 1 week and I will go on. I hope you feel better.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 03, 2012 7:49 PM GMT
    Hey Genre,
    So I'm going to start by saying, I understand how you feel. Any relationship is scary, and obviously you want to stop any unnecessary pain. Its natural to want to keep your feelings closed off, and wait till you know for sure. But now that you do know you love him its time to try opening up.

    So for now, give him a day or two. After that, call him. If he answers tell him you want to talk in person, if he doesn't leave him a message. In the message tell him how you really like him, but the whole thing is scary for you. Tell him how you didn't want to be hurt, but didn't realize you were hurting him and yourself in the process. And Most importantly, tell him you want to fight for him, and you want to be with him. Tell him you will start being more honest with him and yourself and then start doing it.

    Based on the conversation I don't think he wants to break up with you, he just sounds a little angry. Give him time and show him how much you care about him.

    I can tell you from personal experience, the pain of trusting someone and getting hurt may be great, but the pain of never knowing what could have been is even worst. We grow from being hurt, but our future growths are stunted from "what ifs".

    *Hugs* and Good Luck icon_biggrin.gif
  • reges198

    Posts: 94

    Nov 03, 2012 9:04 PM GMT
    If it is worth fighting for, then go for it. At the very least, I would let him know via text, email, voicemail, whatever (if you haven't already) that you're not willing to let what you two had go so easily. The best things in life are worth fighting for (otherwise everyone would have it). That might win the day, but at least you'll never have a "what if" moment. Good luck. icon_smile.gif
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    Nov 03, 2012 9:10 PM GMT
    Sorry you are going through a difficult time. Just remember that while it hurts - it is also an opportunity to learn and do better. You can now explore what it is that is holding you back and challenge yourself to overcome it. It will not be easy, but it will be worth it.

    128673390692420356.jpg
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 03, 2012 10:29 PM GMT
    Sorry to hear about your problems. Hopefully they'll work themselves out.

    I echo what the others have said. You said this relationship is worth fighting for, so put the ball in his court by apologizing (if appropriate), that you'd like another chance, and that you'd like to meet somewhere to talk. After you've let your voice be heard, be patient...don't grovel - he'll contact you when he's ready. Hopefully that will be sooner than later.

    Good luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 04, 2012 12:53 AM GMT
    I can empathize with your pain, although it has been a long time since I have felt that kind of love pain . From your profile, and from some of your other posts that I can remember, you sound like a really great guy, that will make a great partner for a great guy, some day, if things don't work out with your current love. Of course, it really hurts to be rejected by one's love,
    no matter what the circumstances. I wish I could offer you some sound advice. It sounds like men-in-love, as well as Mike W have given you some wise counsel,
    and they are good at that.

    Although expressing your pain, you really did not explain your situation in detail, and perhaps you just don't want to go into lots of detail on this website. Someone said they thought you were experiencing obsession for this loved one - thinking about him all day, etc. I experienced that kind of obsession a couple times many years ago, towards unrequited loves, and I can still remember how painful that was. You also said that you felt " loved" by your man , and that you were in a relationship with him . Maybe you could tell us how long you have been in your "relationship" with him. I am sure I am not the only one on here who wonders what you could possibly have said to him that would make him stop speaking to you. Were you very critical of him? Is he perhaps a died-in-the-wool Republican, and you told him you were going to vote for Obama? We don't have a clue . We also do not know what he said to you, or how your discussion became " heated." If I were there, I would give you a big hug, and try to give you solace and encouragement . You really deserve that. Take care.