Letting him go but don't wanna

  • reges198

    Posts: 94

    Nov 04, 2012 12:35 AM GMT
    So a guy and I get along great and I can't stop thinking about him (and would have such good looking children!) but he's really grappling with his sexuality. He knows he's gay but is also mildly attracted to (and has dated) women. And he comes from an incredibly tight knit family where everyone is married for 50 years, his father's a minister, etc. It's all very Leave it to Beaver. If he comes out as gay to them he might lose them, or at the very least, be much less close to them for a period as they reconcile themselves to this fact.

    So the advice that friends have given me is that if I really do care for him that I need to let him go, *but still be a friend to him,* and allow him go through his process of self-discovery on his own to decide the direction of his life.

    I sort of agree, but is it even possible for me to be his friend when we both clearly want more? Should I still try to make it work even if I might be the one who suffers in the long run? How long can I mope about being a martyr for letting him go? icon_confused.gif

    Oh, and he's not my age. He's a little older.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 04, 2012 1:02 AM GMT
    Unfortunately for you, this is his journey, not yours.

    All you can do is be there for him as a friend, and make it clear that it's just friends. (And of course you can be just friends, just make sure you know the difference between friends and lovers and make the boundaries very clear)

    Its up to you if you want to make it work, but know that it is eaier to talk about problems than actually experiencing it.

    Give yourself a couple of months, and if he doesn't want to be with you (romantically) move on.

    I honestly don't blame your friend for denying his sexuality for his family. I was tempted to do this once. All you can do is wait, and ask him, what he wants for himself in life.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 04, 2012 2:09 AM GMT
    OP, you have left out the most important detail: to be blunt - are you in a sexual relationship ( are you having actual sex?), or are you two just thinking about each other a lot?
    From my perspective, I just don't understand how guys can think about their psospective relationship with someone with whom they are not in a sexual relationship. If you are not in a sexual relationship, all of this sturm and drang about his coming out, and your future relationship, is pointless; move on and get involved with someone in a sexual way with whom you can have a relationship. If you are now involved in a sexual relationship with him, take it as it comes. Although not so common today among young guys, there are still lots of guys who get involved in relationships, even though they are still in the closet with their parents. This seems to work well for lots of guys until they are ready to come out to their parents. So it would be up to you if you want to remain involved with someone who is (partially) closeted.
  • hawkeye7

    Posts: 565

    Nov 04, 2012 2:58 AM GMT
    As I read your story the word journey just keeps coming back to my mind. He has a journey and he has to make it in his own time. You might be part of it or you might not, either way be true to yourself.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11819

    Nov 04, 2012 3:20 AM GMT
    You should have let him go yesterday....Why would you go through the pain and torture of a guy who can't commit to ya totally.?..Let him go find himself...While you work of your self esteem...You need to feel in the depths of your soul...you deserve better than this present bullshit...You're worth having a guy who sees you as his top priority...A guy that wouldn't let nothing stand between you and his happiness...Take my advice for what its worth man...
  • reges198

    Posts: 94

    Nov 04, 2012 4:49 AM GMT
    Yep, yep, all good advice. I agree. Thanks!