Not getting the dynamics of gay bars. Another night of turned heads and averted glances.

  • RollDontWalk

    Posts: 187

    Nov 04, 2012 1:56 PM GMT
    Tonight I hit up a local bar (R Place for the Seattleites) to see what would happen. Since coming out I have barely been to any bars, I probably go out maybe once every couple of months, pretty infrequent. Tonight I went with no expectations, but I'm starting to think it's futile to begin with. I don't have any gay friends besides my old roommate who is in a steady relationship and not interested in going out (he's not exactly the type to), so I went by myself.

    There were two guys in particular who caught my attention while I was dancing. The first was making occasional glances, always when I wasn't looking. I approached him from a few metres away to complement him on his t-shirt and he literally ran behind the girl he was there with. Ouch. Okay maybe that was a bit strong. Second guy was standing among a circle of guys and I was dancing by myself just outside of that. He moved to different positions a few times and he was right next to me for a while. We were gradually getting closer and closer to the point where our shoulders were touching (as happens on a crowded dance floor) then someone else in the group basically wedged himself between him and me. They then danced together for a bit. This whole time there was eye contact, I kept checking him out and he kept checking me out, but again no real eye contact for more than a split second. He eventually left early, hugging the other guys (friends? people he just met? people he's slept with? I have no idea) goodbye, with one last quick glance between us. Not sure if I should've tried holding his gaze for longer, if I'd had it would've probably come off as creepy because again, every time I looked, he looked away. In other words, I can't tell if I missed a chance with this second guy, or if I never had a chance to begin with. I ended up leaving 2 hours after I arrived, an hour before closing.

    I think I'm pretty attractive, and have the confidence to make direct eye contact with people. But nobody else seems to. They all look away in a fraction of a second as soon as they see me looking. I'm not that unattractive dammit!

    I havent been out to bars much but am starting to think it's a futile proposition, for the same reason as hookup sites - you can't compete when there's always someone hotter than you around the corner.

    1. Is having the confidence to make direct eye contact somehow turning people off?
    - Coming on too strong?
    - Too intimidating?
    - Does it destroy the 'straight guy' fantasy that is necessary for a gay guy to find someone hot?
    - Is it the Seattle Freeze?
    2. Not coming on strong enough? Do I need to get more... physical?
    3. Is it possible I'm being dismissed as a friendless loner because people can tell I'm there by myself?

    I'd appreciate any advice on how I can improve my game. I'm not sure if people find me unattractive, too intimidating, or too aloof to engage with. Maybe I just need to try another bar/crowd - this one's fun and my type though.

    I get checked by every second straight guy's girlfriend in the street. Why can't I pick up a guy in a gay bar??
  • Kriss

    Posts: 690

    Nov 04, 2012 6:25 PM GMT
    dude your pretty attractive imo but that being said you should look at the person and approach depending on the situation. If it was in the scenario of the shy guy that immediately backed away to retreat behind his friends skirt. Maybe kind of slide in a little get to know the friend, then him. Sometimes you gotta pull teeth for the shyer men. I don't know about the other guy though it sounds like he potentially had a fuck buddy or something he was there with whom saw you as a disturbance in his force so he wedged himself in between.

    For th most part be yourself and you'll catch the eye of someone whm will muster some sort of courage to talk to you. This all being said I am not in any form or way a dating column advisor or anything. Fact I probably shouldn't be giving advice since I have never had a relationship BUT I can spread what I see friends doing and seems to work for them xD
  • TennisJock10

    Posts: 208

    Nov 05, 2012 12:38 AM GMT
    Dude, sometimes there just is no explanation. It's one of those unsolvable mysterious. Or at least I tell myself that to cope with being in the exact situation as the one that you are describing icon_sad.gif

    But I think you are very attractive and if you are as confident as you described, then that is even more sexy! I find confidence very attractive.

    I suggest you just be patient and don't take it as rejection or look for some internal flaw or defect. Sometimes it just doesn't happen and often there is no explanation. Good lucjk!
  • Muscmasmat

    Posts: 124

    Nov 05, 2012 1:32 AM GMT
    As opposed to when I was a young man near your age, my impression is that very few men go out by themselves to bars anymore to meet someone. They all seem to be with friends. I think most people must be meeting one on one via the internet. You might try that. If not a hookup site, you might want to check out ones where guys are looking to date or meet friends.

    I have been to one gay bar since coming to Seattle almost a year ago. Despite the fact that the entire night I only saw two guys I thought were acceptable for my tastes, I really did not see any guys besides myself there alone.

    Seattle has a ton of gay organizations/activities - sports, gym, hiking, skiing, politics, chorus, church, book clubs,etc. I suggest you pick some that you would enjoy and join those for meeting other guys.

    I believe the art of cruising has been lost at gay bars. And from what you wrote, I think what you were doing was the correct approach. But there have to be fish in the lake before you can hook one. It isn't you.

    Good luck!
  • kevmoran

    Posts: 1543

    Nov 05, 2012 2:18 AM GMT
    Unfortunately it's pretty rare to go to gay bars yourself. I wish it was less that way, it's so much easier to just decide when I want to go and get there on time than schedule 5 friends and get there by 1am. But my best luck has been to just go right up to him without playing the eye game for more than a few minutes. In every case I've encountered, they're totally interested, just needed a little nudge. I don't think you're coming on too strong, just not strong enough!