Relationship Question For Older Guys/Long Term Relationships

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    Nov 04, 2012 10:34 PM GMT
    Hi, I was having a discussion and a topic came up and I wanted to get a read on it. If you have been in a relationship for while, whether you live together or not, how much do external activities play a role in your relationship and how much do you have in common overall even when its just the two of you?

    For external activities what I mean is doing things with other people. Something like sports, hobbies, going to bars or social gatherings. How important is that and do you it or have you more or less taken a step back and just become a "couple" and do things with each other?

    And despite the answer to #1, as a couple, what percentage of things that you do do you both really enjoy? for example, you are both NFL football fans you so you enjoy watching the games on sunday just the two of you or you are both live music fans and can go to shows with each other and do need a group.

    How important is it to have a group or groups of friends you do activites with? and How important is that you have common ground between the two of you and how much common ground do you think is necessary?
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    Nov 04, 2012 10:40 PM GMT
    lol, that's a lot of questions.

    Here, I'll ask one. What was your discussion about that this topic came to mind?
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    Nov 04, 2012 10:45 PM GMT
    meninlove said lol, that's a lot of questions.

    Here, I'll ask one. What was your discussion about that this topic came to mind?


    It was about two people in a relationship. One feels that while they are ok spending time one on one in doses, there isnt enough outside of the two of them. Their interests are so different, that they have no real common ground or shared experiences especially as it relates to involving friends. One person doesnt have any friends, the other does.

    Guy 1 is always on his own doing the stuff he likes. Guy 2 has put up with it. Neither can find enough in common where they are both excited to be doing the same thing at that same.

    Example. They go to Vegas, but one plays table game and the other slots. They are in the same place, but arent doing the same thing so they dont really share it.

    Gym, they both go, but one is in the weight room, the other on a treadmill and a machine or two

    Bar, one goes to chat with friends, listen to music. The other doesnt like loud modern music and isnt comfortable meeting new people..

    things like that.
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    Nov 04, 2012 11:17 PM GMT
    Hmmm...well I'm glad I asked; I don't think our answers are going to help any.

    We're both retired as of Aug31st and spend all our time together. However, we each do our own thing while together, tossing funny acerbic comments or flirting with each other when our paths cross, constantly, throughout the day.

    Over 23 years we had different careers so saw each other for 6 hours a day weekdays, spending weekends wrapped up in each other. We each made a point and effort to embrace each others' pastimes and hobbies and appreciate and learn from them.

    We never met til we were in our 30s, so treat every day together as pretty precious. As well, we're survivors of the Great Plague, so have a sharp painful awareness of the fragility of life. (we're both neg, but lost a lot of people in a very short time). As well, we're watching both straights and gays in our age bracket die like flies on a windowsill.

    As Bonnie Raitt sang once, "Life gets pretty precious when there's less of it to waste."

    We are quite different from each other in many ways, but see those differences as pleasant. We share the same values, though I'm christian and Bill atheist. We've never forgotten what we first saw/felt/smelled/tasted/heard in each other. Sometimes it feels like we've only been together a short while.

    As for friends, we have a lot, but a fair number of them as couples like to artificially structure time apart from each other and get a little frustrated that we show up to such functions together.

    I think your friends need to understand that their differences in things they like bring individuality and interest into conversations.
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    Nov 04, 2012 11:25 PM GMT
    I appreciate the response. Im still not really clear. I get what you are saying but I am having hard time applying it to my questoins.
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    Nov 04, 2012 11:47 PM GMT
    Dallasfan824 saidI appreciate the response. Im still not really clear. I get what you are saying but I am having hard time applying it to my questoins.


    lol, OK.

    " how much do external activities play a role in your relationship and how much do you have in common overall even when its just the two of you?"

    External activities are part of every day. We enjoy them together. The second part of that question would take hours, to go through all the things we have in common, though in my previous reply I outlined a few.

    "For external activities what I mean is doing things with other people. Something like sports, hobbies, going to bars or social gatherings. How important is that and do you it or have you more or less taken a step back and just become a "couple" and do things with each other?"

    We do lots of things with other people together, unless one of us doesn't want to come along. Then only one goes. By a step back you mean refuse to do anything if one of us doesn't want to do it? That's odd.

    " as a couple, what percentage of things that you do do you both really enjoy? for example, you are both NFL football fans you so you enjoy watching the games on sunday just the two of you or you are both live music fans and can go to shows with each other and do need a group. "

    Just about everything, although Bill likes Walking Dead so I sit in the kitchen though the archway posting here, for example. If he is watching civil war documentaries etc downstairs I'll make him something snackwise and take it down along with a romantic move or two, then go back to what I was doing and vice versa. We can go out with a group or just us two. It doesn't matter, really.

    "How important is it to have a group or groups of friends you do activites with?"

    It isn't.

    " How important is that you have common ground between the two of you "

    Good lord, hopefully something bonds a couple other than sex, lol. Values, senses of humour, emotional love for each other; those are some.
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    Nov 04, 2012 11:51 PM GMT


    Now ask showme these same questions and you'll very likely get an entirely different set of answers, as his relationship is different from ours. He and his man are coming up 25 years.
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    Nov 04, 2012 11:57 PM GMT

    Thanks. It helps provide some clarity
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    Nov 05, 2012 12:08 AM GMT
    Dallasfan824 said
    Thanks. It helps provide some clarity


    You're welcome..but wait.

    "Guy 1 is always on his own doing the stuff he likes. Guy 2 has put up with it. Neither can find enough in common where they are both excited to be doing the same thing at that same."

    Guy two putting up with it? What does that mean?
    They can't simply explore each others' interests and so by doing that gain a new interest? Gosh, are they stuck?
    I've more interests now than I had before Bill, and vice versa.

    "They go to Vegas, but one plays table game and the other slots. They are in the same place, but arent doing the same thing so they dont really share it."

    So they don't exchange tales and share when they reconnoiter later? Or look in on each other and give good luck winks etc to each other?

    "Bar, one goes to chat with friends, listen to music. The other doesn't like loud modern music and isnt comfortable meeting new people.."

    This is sounding more and more like a couple that will not step out of their comfort zones mutually for each other, which they should if the relationship is to grow, and should also be deeply appreciative of each other when they do so, and demonstrate that appreciation.
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    Nov 05, 2012 1:02 AM GMT
    Its not that. They have stepped out of their comfort zones. The issue is they can find almost nothing that both them enjoy doing.
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    Nov 05, 2012 1:04 AM GMT
    Dallasfan824 saidIts not that. They have stepped out of their comfort zones. The issue is they can find almost nothing that both them enjoy doing.


    hmmm...but they both enjoy gambling, just not the same way. So, these two can't learn to enjoy new things?

    *at a loss*
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    Nov 05, 2012 1:30 AM GMT
    that was somewhat my point. They are very different people. Yes, they can go out and have an ok time. But neither get excited about the same things. There are no shared interests. Its a stuggle to find things to do that both enjoy. And to the Vegas example, no, one like to gamble. The other just kills time.
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    Nov 05, 2012 1:41 AM GMT
    Dallasfan824 saidthat was somewhat my point. They are very different people. Yes, they can go out and have an ok time. But neither get excited about the same things. There are no shared interests. Its a stuggle to find things to do that both enjoy. And to the Vegas example, no, one like to gamble. The other just kills time.


    Good gosh, my first reaction is, 'are they in love with each other?' because when you're in love you're curious and interested in what your love is interested in. You want to be part of that, not in every interest, but in some.

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    Nov 05, 2012 1:56 AM GMT
    meninlove said
    Dallasfan824 saidthat was somewhat my point. They are very different people. Yes, they can go out and have an ok time. But neither get excited about the same things. There are no shared interests. Its a stuggle to find things to do that both enjoy. And to the Vegas example, no, one like to gamble. The other just kills time.


    Good gosh, my first reaction is, 'are they in love with each other?' because when you're in love you're curious and interested in what your love is interested in. You want to be part of that, not in every interest, but in some.



    There is some passive interest. But what I am talking about is a shared real interest. Not doing something about of love or respect. Im talking about shared "passions" for things although passion its a more intense word that I would want to use. But both having things in common they both love to do either alone or with friends.
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    Nov 05, 2012 2:34 AM GMT
    U
    Dallasfan824 saidthat was somewhat my point. They are very different people. Yes, they can go out and have an ok time. But neither get excited about the same things. There are no shared interests. Its a stuggle to find things to do that both enjoy.
    There are NO shared interests? My reaction is somewat similae to meninlove's: What keeps them together? Just sex and habbit? My
    partner of 25 years and I share some interests but not all interests. We both engage in some activities in which the other partner has no interest whatsoever. We spend most evenings together, and usually travel together. Most of our friends are other gay couples, and they are friends of both of us. But each of us has some individual friends that really are not friends of the other. Interestingly, there are a number of guys whom I dated before I met my partner, and with whom I became friends, and they eventually became friends of my partner as well.
  • wild_sky360

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    Nov 05, 2012 3:19 AM GMT
    There is a big age difference that can somewhat account for the difference in preferred entertainments, though we respectfully sample the other's carefully selected favorites to share. He likes what I consider some of the silliest unwatchable shows but I'm right beside him just to experience his joy and laughter. Just thinking about it now makes me smile.

    We have a small group of mutual friends and each a group of private friends. It would be great for them to overlap but I believe it's mostly pure circumstance that has prevented it so far. My base is Illinois part time and his is Indiana. We're together there, and it's a freakin beach house, but my crew thinks it's another planet past the Chicago border. They don't realize that it kind of is....but in a good way. All good though. I want him all to myself when I'm there anyway.

    We both enjoy going to club..singular because over there there's only one place to go. Unfortunately it's only Thursday nights too, so there's a price to pay for sleep deficits...puts a natural limit on that activity which is a good thing.

    I should be jealous of all the attention he receives, but I'm not. He's charismatic to gays and straights and little kids and old folks... and lucky me gets to go home with him.
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    Nov 05, 2012 3:21 AM GMT
    They can do things like go out to eat, watch some similar shows. Perhaps the occassional move. But outside of that, there really isnt much. Tastes in entertainment dont really cross.
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    Nov 05, 2012 3:23 AM GMT
    Dallasfan824 saidHi, I was having a discussion and a topic came up and I wanted to get a read on it. If you have been in a relationship for while, whether you live together or not, how much do external activities play a role in your relationship and how much do you have in common overall even when its just the two of you?

    For external activities what I mean is doing things with other people. Something like sports, hobbies, going to bars or social gatherings. How important is that and do you it or have you more or less taken a step back and just become a "couple" and do things with each other?

    And despite the answer to #1, as a couple, what percentage of things that you do do you both really enjoy? for example, you are both NFL football fans you so you enjoy watching the games on sunday just the two of you or you are both live music fans and can go to shows with each other and do need a group.

    How important is it to have a group or groups of friends you do activites with? and How important is that you have common ground between the two of you and how much common ground do you think is necessary?


    15 years. I can'ty call him an ex because we never broke up.
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    Nov 05, 2012 3:24 AM GMT
    He was a total pain in the ass, but he was mine. Damn Scorpio.
    I forgot i had a heart.
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    Nov 05, 2012 4:47 AM GMT
    Dallasfan824 saidHi, I was having a discussion and a topic came up and I wanted to get a read on it. If you have been in a relationship for while, whether you live together or not, how much do external activities play a role in your relationship and how much do you have in common overall even when its just the two of you?

    For external activities what I mean is doing things with other people. Something like sports, hobbies, going to bars or social gatherings. How important is that and do you it or have you more or less taken a step back and just become a "couple" and do things with each other?

    And despite the answer to #1, as a couple, what percentage of things that you do do you both really enjoy? for example, you are both NFL football fans you so you enjoy watching the games on sunday just the two of you or you are both live music fans and can go to shows with each other and do need a group.

    How important is it to have a group or groups of friends you do activites with? and How important is that you have common ground between the two of you and how much common ground do you think is necessary?


    Hmm, we have a lot of common ground, and we tend to focus in on those interests we have in common. I used to say we were velcroed at the hip. As we've gotten older we spend a bit more time apart, on individual interests, but are still doing the same things mostly.

    We don't do a lot of organized "activities." Read together, take walks, work on the farm, cook, eat, travel. We do like to play board games, which involves friends who also like that.

    Does that answer your questions?
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    Nov 05, 2012 5:28 AM GMT
    I guess somewhat. I am trying to figure how much you need to have in common before you begin to live basically separate lives or is living separte weekend lives what a relationship is?
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    Nov 05, 2012 5:39 AM GMT
    Dallasfan824 saidI guess somewhat. I am trying to figure how much you need to have in common before you begin to live basically separate lives or is living separte weekend lives what a relationship is?



    I think you mean, how little you have in common before you begin to live basically separate lives, yes?

    How about, does he and his man desire to enjoy what each other likes or loves?

    Living separate lives is fine and healthy for some couples, if that's what they both want. I know a few straight couples like that, and a couple of gay ones. icon_wink.gif Not us, though.
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    Nov 05, 2012 6:03 AM GMT
    I think I get the gist of your question. We've been together for 13 years, and have experienced both extremes. Twice in our relationship, we've worked together for the same company, with the same hours. One place we worked about 15 feet from one another in a building of 6, and the other was across a large corporate floor of 250. We commuted together, and pretty much spent 24 hours a day around one another. We're both introverted, and during those times, it was important that we both had individual activities & hobbies so that we wouldn't OD on being around one another.

    Now, he works a daytime job, and my hours are all over the place, with the majority being afternoon/evening hours. Many days we're only around one another for maybe 2-3 hours before bedtime. Now, we try to work together as often as possible, usually in assorted event production gigs and live music gigs. We also socialize together, rarely go out alone with friends, and then only after getting the blessing from the other person.

    I think shared activities are important depending on how much time the two want to spend together. Some couples do their own individual thing, even taking separate vacations, and if that works for them (unusual as it seems to me), then fine, whatever. If your friends aren't doing anything together, and one or both seem unhappy with the arrangement, then they should probably take a hard look at the relationship and either rectify the situation or resolve to move on.
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    Nov 05, 2012 3:16 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    Dallasfan824 saidI guess somewhat. I am trying to figure how much you need to have in common before you begin to live basically separate lives or is living separte weekend lives what a relationship is?



    I think you mean, how little you have in common before you begin to live basically separate lives, yes?

    How about, does he and his man desire to enjoy what each other likes or loves?

    Living separate lives is fine and healthy for some couples, if that's what they both want. I know a few straight couples like that, and a couple of gay ones. icon_wink.gif Not us, though.


    I agree, it depends on the couple. For years we never spent a night apart unless I was traveling on business. Now, we spend a couple of nights a week apart, he's at our farm, I'm at home because I have to go to work. A little separation has actually been a good thing.

    I don't think I would like a relationship where we spent the weekend apart, though. One separate activity that took up a few hours, maybe, but the entire weekend separate? It wouldn't work for me.
  • wild_sky360

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    Nov 10, 2012 5:55 AM GMT
    Dallasfan824 saidI guess somewhat. I am trying to figure how much you need to have in common before you begin to live basically separate lives or is living separte weekend lives what a relationship is?


    I like, and probably need the time away. The reunions are great...lots of anticipation, but I like my space.

    Same in previous relationships. As nice as he is / was to come home to, the sound of an empty house was appealing too...knowing he's off having fun or taking care of personal business.