Why can't gays flake more considerately?

  • highforthis

    Posts: 680

    Nov 05, 2012 4:16 AM GMT
    I keep getting flaked on with dates these days, and am pretty jaded. What I don't get though is why they'd choose to flake in a way that wastes the most time and causes the most inconvenience for the other guy. It's like they don't want to notify the other guy until the very last possible moment, or long after they decided not to come, or only when prompted! Why are gays so evil??

    I had plans for a dinner date today "sometime after 6pm", so when my friends called at 5pm for our frequent spontaneous dinners, I told them I will be busy. 6:30 I text the date and he says he's just getting off work. 7:00pm he tells me he in the shower. 8pm I text him on status update, and he says he's feeling burnt out from the day. Ok, that's a better reason than the last date, (who made up some elaborate story)... but why not tell me sooner so I could have dinner w/ my friends!? Gah, should've chosen bros before hoes...

    And he was clearly interested and initiating everything... so is mistreating the other guy part of some power game?

    I always demand explanations for everything, but last time, my friends told me to be "chill", as if I have 10 other contingency hookups lined up for the evening, and the results were so unsatisfying, so this time I gently chided him for screwing me over. I was hoping to hear to any sort of excuse to justify him being an inconsiderate asshole, but all I got was a lame "sorry!" and a reschedule for tuesday. Ugh
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 05, 2012 4:25 AM GMT
    You rescheduled for Tuesday? Glutton for punishment much?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 05, 2012 4:26 AM GMT
    huh you rescheduled hahaha

    Personally I don't.

    They ditch, that's it no changing days.. the only time that doesn't happen is if it's the day before. On the day unless it's a real emergency is just unacceptable

    I've actually told guys this about me lately and people have either been a lot less keen to set things up with me or they've been super keen on making sure I know that they will be there come hell or high water.

    You flake that's it.. no second chances.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Nov 05, 2012 4:32 AM GMT
    The thread subject is a bit of an oxymoron. They're not considerate *because* they're flakes.

    But it isn't just gay guys, though. You don't have to be either male or gay to be a flake. Ask anyone dating.

    The question whether it is a power trip or not is interesting. Could be. Passive aggressive. Could also be unconscious fear (of rejection, of performance, of potential intimacy) or sexual ambivalence. Who knows. *shrug*

    In any case, "gently chiding," someone probably won't cut it. Tell them how you really feel which is pissed off. You saved your evening for them and they blew you off at the last minute.


  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Nov 05, 2012 4:32 AM GMT
    The best intentions happen before you get high
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Nov 05, 2012 4:35 AM GMT
    ''A RESCHEDULE FOR TUESDAY !?!?"

    Are you out of your fuckin' mind ?

    Don't you deserve better than this ?

    Do you know why guys shit on you ?
    Because you let 'em.

  • highforthis

    Posts: 680

    Nov 05, 2012 5:17 AM GMT
    To clarify... our date was set for tuesday, but I had a feeling I might have to work late that night, so this morning I asked him if tonight will work instead. So when he said he can't make it, he immediately proposed reverting back to tuesday (before my follow-up message). I told him "ball is in his court" which in my mind loosely meant he's got one chance to make it up.

    Plans change, I can understand that... even if it was clear I was just a "back-up" plan for him, at least I'd know why, but I don't get this.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 05, 2012 5:22 AM GMT
    highforthis saidTo clarify... our date was set for tuesday, but I had a feeling I might have to work late that night, so this morning I asked him if tonight will work instead. So when he said he can't make it, he immediately proposed reverting back to tuesday (before my follow-up message) Plans change, I can understand that... even if it was clear I was just a "back-up" plan for him, at least I'd know why, but I don't get this.


    Then ask him when you see him. icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 05, 2012 5:27 AM GMT
    highforthis saidTo clarify... our date was set for tuesday, but I had a feeling I might have to work late that night, so this morning I asked him if tonight will work instead. So when he said he can't make it, he immediately proposed reverting back to tuesday (before my follow-up message). I told him "ball is in his court" which in my mind loosely meant he's got one chance to make it up.

    ah see you never mentioned any of this..

    so... it could be you who is the flake...

    Now I feel like chocolate
  • highforthis

    Posts: 680

    Nov 05, 2012 6:00 AM GMT
    ^^What!? I think telling the guy 2 days in advance is pretty reasonable. He sent me the very first message less than a week ago... it's generally understood that no one will drop work and everything for a date with someone you barely know yet.
  • FitGwynedd

    Posts: 1468

    Nov 05, 2012 10:10 AM GMT
    Because gays are arseholes
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 05, 2012 11:30 AM GMT
    Thanks for posting. I am figuring these guys double and triple book and then decide who is A list. I needed to hear this from you cus I just figured my age puts me into D list so I have to chill when I get flaked on which is almost always. The question is wether I should start double booking to cover the other guys flaking. The same thing happened to me Sunday . I ate alone cus I told a friend I had a date and the date texted that he was not gonna show after the friend had made new plans that excluded me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 05, 2012 11:40 AM GMT
    It is a real issue and I mention it in all of my online pages......its that bad.

    Some of these guys are so content sitting in front of their computers and playing that they apparently have lost their social skills (if they ever had any)....oh well there is always karma.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 05, 2012 11:55 AM GMT
    I'm a really bad "flake", i've done this a few times. A lot of guys are just cowards about saying no i guess?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 05, 2012 12:46 PM GMT
    m4rf_ saidI'm a really bad "flake", i've done this a few times. A lot of guys are just cowards about saying no i guess?


    COWARD. >:O >:O UNFORGIVABLE! *Shaky finger point*

    ?t=20080315133837

    Anyway. :3

    I got flaked on by my friend too last week. He's known to be a bit of a flake. Not only that, he never communicated to me WHY he couldn't show up. No text messages till that point either. I had to text message HIS ass yesterday to see where the hell he went. He basically told me that there was some sort of 'personal issue' that had came up. He was at his parents home. I asked if he was okay and he didn't say anything.

    I don't know what's wrong but this isn't the first time. It totally killed it for me when he did that. Now I've pretty much lost all interest and am moving on. If he texts me, cool. If not, whatever. I should never have to work this hard for anybody-- especially when it ain't bein' reciprocated. >:/

    I'd say with much disdain, the dude that bailed on you Tuesday can go fuck himself and piss off. ):
  • FitGwynedd

    Posts: 1468

    Nov 05, 2012 3:35 PM GMT
    Alpha13 saidThanks for posting. I am figuring these guys double and triple book and then decide who is A list. I needed to hear this from you cus I just figured my age puts me into D list so I have to chill when I get flaked on which is almost always. The question is wether I should start double booking to cover the other guys flaking. The same thing happened to me Sunday . I ate alone cus I told a friend I had a date and the date texted that he was not gonna show after the friend had made new plans that excluded me.


    First world problem
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 05, 2012 3:50 PM GMT
    In my life, someone gets about ONE chance to do this before they get dropped as a friend. And they better have a damn good excuse. Or at least admit they forgot, and abjectly apologize.
  • Medjai

    Posts: 2671

    Nov 05, 2012 3:58 PM GMT
    highforthis said^^What!? I think telling the guy 2 days in advance is pretty reasonable. He sent me the very first message less than a week ago... it's generally understood that no one will drop work and everything for a date with someone you barely know yet.


    I agree, actually. While flake may not be the right term for what you did, you are the one who originally changed from the plan. Though notice was given, shit happens, and it was pretty short notice. All he did was rest to what you originally agreed on. That does not make him a flake in the least.

    Stop being so whiny and judgmental. He did nothing wrong, and neither did you. It was a mix up that you are making a huge deal of, drawing a lot of unreasonable conclusions. Let it go, move on, and don't let it colour your outing tomorrow.
  • imbrad

    Posts: 377

    Nov 05, 2012 4:02 PM GMT
    Leslie Jordan made a good point about gays. While straight kids are dating and breaking up and learning more-or-less healthy ways to navigate society gays are fantasizing. We spend our adolescence coming up with rediculous imaginary situations involving George Clooney. Then we become adults and don't have a clue. Some of us figure it out and some... are yet to figure it out.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 05, 2012 4:20 PM GMT
    I don't give flakes a second chance. As far as I can remember I've always dealt with guys this way: I'm dealing with and adult and hence expect adult behavior. Anything less isn't acceptable.

    Being a flake is immature and irresponsible and I couldn't care less about them.
  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Nov 05, 2012 4:33 PM GMT
    Don't put up with it. Plain and simple. Unfortunately, flakes are a consistent part of gay life, whether it applies to hookups or dates. One cancellation? Give him the benefit of the doubt. Two? He's done. On to the next one, I say. Stand your ground and keep on keeping on until you meet a quality guy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 05, 2012 5:13 PM GMT
    Alpha13 saidThanks for posting. I am figuring these guys double and triple book and then decide who is A list. I needed to hear this from you cus I just figured my age puts me into D list so I have to chill when I get flaked on which is almost always. The question is wether I should start double booking to cover the other guys flaking. The same thing happened to me Sunday . I ate alone cus I told a friend I had a date and the date texted that he was not gonna show after the friend had made new plans that excluded me.


    I'm convinced that this is the case. I know maybe three people who will show up if they say they're going to show up. These days I don't even give guys one chance. That is, I'm going to be at a certain place doing a certain activity at a certain time, and they're welcome to join me if they want to. If they don't show, it doesn't alter my plans. This is also a fairly guilt-free way to multiple-book. Chances are that it won't be an issue anyway.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 05, 2012 5:24 PM GMT
    I think in your post you can find the answers man:

    1. Yes, it's a power game.
    2. Bros before hoes.

    Honestly, I wouldn't keep dating someone who did that to me. Even if he reschedules.
  • x_y_z

    Posts: 9

    Nov 05, 2012 5:38 PM GMT
    This happens to me all the time... It happened Sat night - I had plans and confirmed... then no response later in the evening when I was going to pick up the person. Fortunately I had back up plans and attended a birthday dinner, which was the better choice anyway.

    I am supposed to have someone over tonight although he has "flaked" on me several times. If he shows up fine, if not fine. At this point though, I would not consider dating him.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 05, 2012 5:39 PM GMT
    Flakey people don't get second chances with me.