Am I still in love or just not over him?

  • popobtc

    Posts: 74

    Nov 07, 2012 6:12 AM GMT
    Basically, I was dating this guy for a year and had an absolutely amazing time with him. He basically helped me come out to all of my friends, introduced me to awesome people and introduced me to the city among other things.

    Then he does something stupid. I end up finding out that he was talking to some other guys looking for a FWB, even though he basically told the guy to fuck off. I talked to him about it and he assured me he did nothing but talk to them and agreed with me that it was stupid. I 100% believe he was telling me the truth and wanted to forgive him but part of me was also waiting for him to do something like this as an excuse for me to break up with him, thereby allowing me to "experiment".

    I'm 23 and he has been both the only person I have ever dated and had sex with (well gone all the way with). But when we did have sex I often fantasized about crushes of mine from high school, people I am not even remotely interested in anymore, and never really him. Which I thought was a problem, is that normal? I did end up breaking up with him because of that, asking him to still be my friend.

    Not having seen or talked to him (except for receiving a text from him “icon_sad.gif I'm so sad....u have no idea...") for a week he shows up at the bar I had told him I would be going to for Halloween, holding another guys hand. I tend to be a really jealous guy, and even though I was having a good time. It made my heart shatter...I basically left immediately, even with one of my friends trying to convince me to stay and just have a good time. He was all that I could think about.

    Three weeks later, he texts me that he’s ready to be friends and apologizing again for what he did. He also told me "I just want u to know if u need me I’ll be here for u" and "I hate that I texted every time I feel uncomfortable I wana text u because it makes me feel better :/" I find this absolutely adorable.

    I have since tried "experimenting" and it has done absolutely nothing for me. Other than realize how depressed I have been, how much I miss him and how much I want him to hold me in my arms. (Yes this did just make me tear up.) I have even been super crazy watching his check-in's wondering and secretly hoping he’s not with a guy.

    Basically, Do I still love this guy or am I just not over him yet?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 07, 2012 7:38 AM GMT
    Thanks for sharing your post, albeit long ;)

    Based on what you have written, your ex didn't do "anything stupid" at all. He communicated with another human... a human who seems to lack boundaries. Or at least a human who didn't know your BF was dating? He didn't follow through at all, so what did he do that was "stupid."

    If you only broke up with him due to your fantasies, I think that your feelings are not atypical for the experience you had... but I also challenge you to recognize that you're bound to think of many, many people during sex. Your BF probably does too. You don't have to share it, or you could! It can be erotic... I have loved all of my ex's deeply, and I still thought about tons of guys while effing.

    My advice is to slow down, accept his friendship, communicate with him IN PERSON and be honest with how you feel. If you told him you fantasized about other men, and he said "that's normal," would you feel better? I'm not saying that he will respond this way, just giving you fodder.

    relationships are a spectrum:

    <--strangers---aquantances---good friends---lovers---commitment---life partner-->
  • Fable

    Posts: 3866

    Nov 07, 2012 1:30 PM GMT
    don't be afraid to try again.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 07, 2012 4:39 PM GMT
    1. Yeah it's normal to fantasize about other guys. But... That could be a problem if you have to fantasize about someone else whenever you are with your bf. ( does that make sense?) in other words I think you gotta be turned in by ur bf but its ok to windowshop and fantasize.

    If your bf is looking for fwb then you need to explore what that means. It can be ok with some couples - but if you need a man to be monogamous then you should be ready to move on. Even if you love him and it hurts - you gotta be true to yourself.

    2. Relationships are tough, and sometimes they end for no good reason. If you are on speaking terms as friends then you have the freedom to talk about issues. Ask him more about the fwb situation, ask if he is experimenting right now. Friends should be able to talk about these things.

    It's possible you can love him for a long time, even when it's over and you are over him. Just respect yourself and don't lose sight of what you want from a relationship just because you want one more cuddle with him. That's always a challenge for me when a relationship is ending.

    Good luck. Cry it out, hit the gym. Just don't drunk text OR go on ice cream binge! (:
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 07, 2012 5:02 PM GMT
    Hugs, welcome to heart break hotel, you'll be staying on the 'I didn't know what I had till it was gone' floor, in the 'grass isn't so green on this side of the fence' suet.
    Check out can be established once you've learned to communicate your feeling more properly.
  • popobtc

    Posts: 74

    Nov 08, 2012 10:29 PM GMT
    Good stuff guys, We will see what happens. Thanks