complicated situations...

  • socalbruin

    Posts: 28

    Nov 08, 2012 7:56 AM GMT
    So I recently started dating a younger (1icon_cool.gif guy at my college. We hit it off immediately. Great chemistry, mutual attraction and interests, and the common experience of being in the process of coming out. He however is completely new to dating guys, and dating altogether. We spent an entire weekend together just hanging out and getting to know each other and things looked promising (no sex mind you, just kissing). I really felt like it was important to take our time and let him get comfortable with things.

    On the final night of hanging out, he shared quite a bit about himself and a tough early family background. I felt we really had bonded, but later that night he wanted me to take things a little quicker and things got a bit more passionate (but again, still fairly tame all things considering)

    The next day I began to notice a big change in the momentum of things, and eventually confronted him about it. We had a long talk, and he had come to the conclusion that he wasnt ready to date, feeling that he needed to sort his own demons and problems. Opening up to me had frightened him, having hadn't "let anyone in" in his entire life. His rationale was what frustrated me though because he only felt that he didn't want to have to break my heart down the line, and that he didn't deserve me before he was ready. We left the door open with things, but every bone in my body is telling me not to let him go. I tried to tell him he didn't have to face things alone... What do you think, should I respect his choice?
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    Nov 08, 2012 8:20 AM GMT
    socalbruin saidWhat do you think, should I respect his choice?

    I think you must. What else you gonna do - stalk him?

    But what you can do is stay in touch on a less emotionally intense level, in person and/or on social media, however your two circumstances best suggest. He could still be a good friend, too, it isn't always all about dating & romance.

    On the one hand I have to smile at you calling him a "younger guy" when your age difference is a mere 2 years. Hell, when you get to my age a difference of 2 years is considered the SAME age. LOL!

    But on the other hand I recall when as a college professor I'd be astonished at the difference just 2 years could make in my students. Those fresh out of high school at 18 would still be kids in many ways, but by their Junior & Senior years they were fully adults, not just in appearance but in maturity, too. I could almost see daily changes in them, though most of them didn't realize it themselves, and would have rejected the notion if presented to them, many teens proudly believing themselves completely developed by 15 or 16.

    So give your guy some time, he may understand himself better than he realizes. Do what you can to keep him in his comfort zone, and also don't overlook the fact that he may (and perhaps should) be concerned that extra-curricular activities like BFs may conflict with his primary college goal of getting a degree with solid grades. And that in itself is also a kind of maturity. I hope you're setting him a good example in that regard.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Nov 08, 2012 1:57 PM GMT
    in general, ucla guys are horrible for dating
  • alphatop

    Posts: 1955

    Nov 08, 2012 2:13 PM GMT
    ART_DECO said
    socalbruin saidWhat do you think, should I respect his choice?

    I think you must. What else you gonna do - stalk him?

    But what you can do is stay in touch on a less emotionally intense level, in person and/or on social media, however your two circumstances best suggest. He could still be a good friend, too, it isn't always all about dating & romance.

    On the one hand I have to smile at you calling him a "younger guy" when your age difference is a mere 2 years. Hell, when you get to my age a difference of 2 years is considered the SAME age. LOL!

    But on the other hand I recall when as a college professor I'd be astonished at the difference just 2 years could make in my students. Those fresh out of high school at 18 would still be kids in many ways, but by their Junior & Senior years they were fully adults, not just in appearance but in maturity, too. I could almost see daily changes in them, though most of them didn't realize it themselves, and would have rejected the notion if presented to them, many teens proudly believing themselves completely developed by 15 or 16.

    So give your guy some time, he may understand himself better than he realizes. Do what you can to keep him in his comfort zone, and also don't overlook the fact that he may (and perhaps should) be concerned that extra-curricular activities like BFs may conflict with his primary college goal of getting a degree with solid grades. And that in itself is also a kind of maturity. I hope you're setting him a good example in that regard.


    +1.
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    Nov 08, 2012 5:31 PM GMT
    30_something said
    ART_DECO said
    socalbruin saidWhat do you think, should I respect his choice?

    I think you must. What else you gonna do - stalk him?

    But what you can do is stay in touch on a less emotionally intense level, in person and/or on social media, however your two circumstances best suggest. He could still be a good friend, too, it isn't always all about dating & romance.

    On the one hand I have to smile at you calling him a "younger guy" when your age difference is a mere 2 years. Hell, when you get to my age a difference of 2 years is considered the SAME age. LOL!

    But on the other hand I recall when as a college professor I'd be astonished at the difference just 2 years could make in my students. Those fresh out of high school at 18 would still be kids in many ways, but by their Junior & Senior years they were fully adults, not just in appearance but in maturity, too. I could almost see daily changes in them, though most of them didn't realize it themselves, and would have rejected the notion if presented to them, many teens proudly believing themselves completely developed by 15 or 16.

    So give your guy some time, he may understand himself better than he realizes. Do what you can to keep him in his comfort zone, and also don't overlook the fact that he may (and perhaps should) be concerned that extra-curricular activities like BFs may conflict with his primary college goal of getting a degree with solid grades. And that in itself is also a kind of maturity. I hope you're setting him a good example in that regard.


    +1.

    +2.
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    Nov 08, 2012 6:49 PM GMT
    You definitely have to respect his boundaries. I wasn't comfortable in my skin when I was that young, and I couldn't look beyond my baggage to fully engage in a relationship. I think it's great that he opened up with you, and hopefully you can be a friend that helps him work through his issues. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Nov 08, 2012 7:23 PM GMT
    You don't really have a choice but to respect his boundaries. However, I think you should let him know how much you like him, and how you really don't want to let him go. Maybe if he sees that you are willing to fight for him, he will let you help him sort through his problems. Just make it clear how much you want to help him. If he knows that then theres not much else you can do.
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    Nov 08, 2012 7:36 PM GMT
    Opening up to me had frightened him, having hadn't "let anyone in" in his entire life. His rationale was what frustrated me though because he only felt that he didn't want to have to break my heart down the line, and that he didn't deserve me before he was ready.

    You know how in dating, when someone tells you about themselves--BELIEVE it? I had to learn the hard way when someone told me he was terrified of intimacy and wasn't ready. Of course I preferred not to hear/believe it--until it really did become clear that he 1) broke my heart; and 2) didn't deserve me.

    As disappointed and hurt as I was, it's not like he didn't warn me.... icon_neutral.gif
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    Nov 08, 2012 7:49 PM GMT
    Just because he isn't ready to date doesn't mean you have to disappear from his life. Be a friend, a mentor and a confidant. Who knows what will happen down the road? Let him know you're interested but that you respect his choice/decision. Show him that you're someone he can trust and let whatever happens between the two of you grow naturally.

    You were fine taking things slowly until he pulled back. Why the rush now? It's just a different schedule than the one you'd imagined. Relationships are a partnership with compromises. Sounds like it's your turn to compromise and go on his time schedule.
  • camfer

    Posts: 892

    Nov 08, 2012 10:00 PM GMT
    He probably hasn't told you even half his problems and demons. Believe him that he's not ready.

    If someone tells you he's not ready for a relationship and you somehow persuade him to be in a relationship with you, then you just got yourself into a relationship with someone who's either (a) not ready or (b) not really into you. Either way, it's a guaranteed mess.
  • ATXnative

    Posts: 240

    Nov 08, 2012 10:04 PM GMT
    Yeah, you can't change his mind bro. It's not worth it to try to prove it to him, move on. If you guys are meant for a run it'll be down the line.
  • socalbruin

    Posts: 28

    Nov 09, 2012 5:01 AM GMT
    imasrxd saidJust because he isn't ready to date doesn't mean you have to disappear from his life. Be a friend, a mentor and a confidant. Who knows what will happen down the road? Let him know you're interested but that you respect his choice/decision. Show him that you're someone he can trust and let whatever happens between the two of you grow naturally.

    You were fine taking things slowly until he pulled back. Why the rush now? It's just a different schedule than the one you'd imagined. Relationships are a partnership with compromises. Sounds like it's your turn to compromise and go on his time schedule.


    Thanks for the advice everyone. I guess I always knew that it was ultimately his choice and I would have to respect it. It was just the way he expressed it to me. He felt like he couldn't love himself so how could expect someone else to. I just felt we could learn from each other, and he didn't have to be alone to get to that point
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    Nov 09, 2012 5:10 AM GMT
    That's the problem with most young guys, they don't know what they want. I broke my own rule once of not dating anyone young(younger than 22) and it very much destroyed me. Never again.
  • squally

    Posts: 180

    Nov 09, 2012 7:58 AM GMT
    There's a lot of talk about respect here about "his choice". What about you? Respect yourself enough to give yourself happiness. Tell him how you feel. I know we don't live in a black or white world, but seriously being "friends" with him would probably be the best thing for you and the worst. It sucks when you are friends with someone you actually have feelings for (future consequence).
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    Nov 09, 2012 12:30 PM GMT
    He felt like he couldn't love himself so how could expect someone else to.

    This is all you need to know. You can't help people to love themselves. Either they do, or they're working on it, or they don't. And having a healthy measure of self-love and self-respect is a necessary prerequisite for having a healthy relationship with someone.

    If he's telling you he doesn't love himself, you can be his friend, but attempting to be more than that will only end in disappointment for you. Don't be tempted to fix him. He's essentially already told you how it will end. Believe him.
  • socalbruin

    Posts: 28

    Dec 29, 2012 11:25 PM GMT
    little update... so me and the guy kinda stopped talking until a couple weeks ago when we ran into each other on campus. In this weird kinda phase where we're friendly and vaguely flirty. Totally throwing me for a loop... he drunk texted me the other night how horny he was :/

    not as easy to be just friends as I thought
  • Suetonius

    Posts: 1842

    Dec 30, 2012 9:54 AM GMT
    socalbruin saidlittle update... so me and the guy kinda stopped talking until a couple weeks ago when we ran into each other on campus. In this weird kinda phase where we're friendly and vaguely flirty. Totally throwing me for a loop... he drunk texted me the other night how horny he was :/

    not as easy to be just friends as I thought

    So then be friends with benefits. There is no way that a LTR is going to develop between you and this guy - but if you both like each other and there is also sexual attraction . . .
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    Dec 30, 2012 10:20 AM GMT
    UCLA guys are not datable haha jk, I had a 21 yo recently wanting to date me ! doubt that would lead anywhere! yeah, be his friend, act normal, sleep with him and detach your feelings !! I think that's called Fuck Buddy! Can you do it !!
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    Dec 30, 2012 11:23 AM GMT
    socalbruin saidlittle update... so me and the guy kinda stopped talking until a couple weeks ago when we ran into each other on campus. In this weird kinda phase where we're friendly and vaguely flirty. Totally throwing me for a loop... he drunk texted me the other night how horny he was :/

    not as easy to be just friends as I thought
    In reading your posts, I'm hearing a lot about what this guy wants, but very little about what it is you are ultimately looking for. You're both in the process of coming out and sorting through your issues.

    My advice would be to examine ultimately what it is you seek and that you are open to, and let your actions flow from that. If he fits into your world somehow - great - and if not, you shouldn't feel guilty about walking away.
  • socalbruin

    Posts: 28

    Dec 30, 2012 8:12 PM GMT
    Tenebrism said
    socalbruin saidlittle update... so me and the guy kinda stopped talking until a couple weeks ago when we ran into each other on campus. In this weird kinda phase where we're friendly and vaguely flirty. Totally throwing me for a loop... he drunk texted me the other night how horny he was :/

    not as easy to be just friends as I thought
    In reading your posts, I'm hearing a lot about what this guy wants, but very little about what it is you are ultimately looking for. You're both in the process of coming out and sorting through your issues.

    My advice would be to examine ultimately what it is you seek and that you are open to, and let your actions flow from that. If he fits into your world somehow - great - and if not, you shouldn't feel guilty about walking away.


    I think I've come to the conclusion that I would rather be JUST friends than friends with benefits. He's a great guy, the kind of guy I could really fall in love with...

    Part of what drew me to him was we were pretty much in the same boat, same level of coming to terms with things. I still think we can learn a lot from each other, maybe as friends is a better way for that to happen

  • Dec 30, 2012 8:15 PM GMT
    Buddy, my two cents!
    RUN away...
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    Dec 30, 2012 8:34 PM GMT
    socalbruin said
    Tenebrism said
    socalbruin saidlittle update... so me and the guy kinda stopped talking until a couple weeks ago when we ran into each other on campus. In this weird kinda phase where we're friendly and vaguely flirty. Totally throwing me for a loop... he drunk texted me the other night how horny he was :/

    not as easy to be just friends as I thought
    In reading your posts, I'm hearing a lot about what this guy wants, but very little about what it is you are ultimately looking for. You're both in the process of coming out and sorting through your issues.

    My advice would be to examine ultimately what it is you seek and that you are open to, and let your actions flow from that. If he fits into your world somehow - great - and if not, you shouldn't feel guilty about walking away.


    I think I've come to the conclusion that I would rather be JUST friends than friends with benefits. He's a great guy, the kind of guy I could really fall in love with...

    Part of what drew me to him was we were pretty much in the same boat, same level of coming to terms with things. I still think we can learn a lot from each other, maybe as friends is a better way for that to happen
    That can be a great learning opportunity for both of you and I wish you well in your next steps with this.