When to say "I love you"

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 05, 2008 6:38 PM GMT
    Hey guys, another question for you all. When is the right time in a relationship to say "I love you"?

    I've been dating my BF for a little over two months now, hell we even got a place together, yet I haven't said I love him yet, even though I do, and even though I'm pretty sure he knows I do.

    But it's been my experience that shortly after I say it, things start to fall apart. I know that logically this is false causation, but so I'm slightly superstitious. So I've avoided saying it to avoid anything bad happening.

    So when did you know it was right to say it to your significant other?
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    Sep 05, 2008 7:02 PM GMT
    I have this problem (I am TOTALLY not joking at ALL):

    Whenever I sleep with any guy for the first time (talking about sleep not sex), if I am spooning him, in the middle of the night I "sleep croon" and say "I love you" over and over in his ear until I either wake him or myself up. It's pretty embarrassing and I have to tell every guy I'm about to sleep with that I might say "I love you" and not realize it because I'm dreaming and that I don't really love him in reality. It's a very awkward moment.
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    Sep 05, 2008 7:03 PM GMT
    No one can tell "you" when to say it... You should say it when you know it to be true.

    If the person runs away from it - then sorry, but it just means the feeling was not receiprocated.

    At the point of having moved in together (unless you have seperate bedrooms - and if so that should be a red flag) I think it's safe to get adjusted to the move in and then let it out.

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    Sep 05, 2008 7:05 PM GMT
    jakebenson saidI have this problem (I am TOTALLY not joking at ALL):

    Whenever I sleep with any guy for the first time (talking about sleep not sex), if I am spooning him, in the middle of the night I "sleep croon" and say "I love you" over and over in his ear until I either wake him or myself up. It's pretty embarrassing and I have to tell every guy I'm about to sleep with that I might say "I love you" and not realize it because I'm dreaming and that I don't really love him in reality. It's a very awkward moment.


    You heartbreaker you!

    In answer to the question. When you really mean it! Also realize that you can love someone but that does not mean you will or should stay together.
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    Sep 05, 2008 7:06 PM GMT
    jakebenson saidI have this problem (I am TOTALLY not joking at ALL):

    Whenever I sleep with any guy for the first time (talking about sleep not sex), if I am spooning him, in the middle of the night I "sleep croon" and say "I love you" over and over in his ear until I either wake him or myself up. It's pretty embarrassing and I have to tell every guy I'm about to sleep with that I might say "I love you" and not realize it because I'm dreaming and that I don't really love him in reality. It's a very awkward moment.



    aww... I'd say I love you back.icon_redface.gif

    Unless we were cousins, cuz then I'd probably just say:
    Really? Cuz if find it akward we are even spooning
    icon_eek.gif
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    Sep 05, 2008 11:30 PM GMT
    BodyWork4 saidNo one can tell "you" when to say it... You should say it when you know it to be true.

    If the person runs away from it - then sorry, but it just means the feeling was not receiprocated.

    At the point of having moved in together (unless you have seperate bedrooms - and if so that should be a red flag) I think it's safe to get adjusted to the move in and then let it out.



    Well, I know it's my decision on when to say it. And it's not that I'm afraid he'll run away, more that I worry about things just falling apart in general. And actually we do have separate rooms because of our different work schedules. We sleep together more than 50% of the time, but on those days when he works early mornings, he sleeps in his bed so he doesn't wake me up. We also have separate bedrooms because he as a SHIT LOAD more stuff than I do icon_biggrin.gif

    We had a 20 foot truck, my stuff took up about a 5th of it, his took up the rest and then some that we had to pack in our cars icon_biggrin.gif

    In our case I don't think it's a red flag. With my last BF in Virginia it definitely was, but this time it's different because I made it clear to him how I feel about relationships in general (I'm not a jealous person, I like doing three ways, and being that he's bi, I wouldn't mind if he hooked up with a girl so long as he wore a rubber).

    Eh, anyway, probably TMI, but eh.
  • styrgan

    Posts: 2017

    Sep 06, 2008 12:47 AM GMT
    jakebenson saidI have this problem (I am TOTALLY not joking at ALL):

    Whenever I sleep with any guy for the first time (talking about sleep not sex), if I am spooning him, in the middle of the night I "sleep croon" and say "I love you" over and over in his ear until I either wake him or myself up. It's pretty embarrassing and I have to tell every guy I'm about to sleep with that I might say "I love you" and not realize it because I'm dreaming and that I don't really love him in reality. It's a very awkward moment.



    I've had a few guys do that to me... Good to know it probably wasn't intentional.
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    Sep 06, 2008 12:52 AM GMT
    I love you all!

    I don't mean it though. icon_confused.gif



























    icon_lol.gif
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    Sep 06, 2008 12:59 AM GMT
    SoccerGuy82 said
    Sedative saidI love you all!

    I don't mean it though. icon_confused.gif


    lool I love you too icon_wink.gif


    Liar! icon_lol.gif
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    Sep 06, 2008 1:01 AM GMT

    Right after you say "If you laugh, I'll kill you!"
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    Sep 06, 2008 1:17 AM GMT
    David Schnarch - Passionate Marriage (p. 107)

    This is how you shouldn't say "I love you"

    "I'll tell you about myself, but only if you then tell me about yourself. If you don't, I won't either. But I want to, so you have to. I'll go first and then you'll be obligated to disclose--it's only fair. And if I go first, you have to make me feel secure. I need to be able to trust you!"

    This is how you should say "I love you"

    "I don't expect you to agree with me; you weren't put on the face of the earth to validate and reinforce me. But I want you to love me--and you can't really do that if you don't know me. I don't want your rejection--but I must face that possibility if I'm ever to feel accepted or secure with you. It's time to show myself to you and confront my separateness and mortality. One day when we are no longer together on this earth, I want to know you knew me."
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    Sep 06, 2008 3:01 AM GMT
    The perfect time to say "I love you" I find is the second tuesday of the month at about 2 o'clock during a cup of tea.
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    Sep 06, 2008 3:42 AM GMT
    jakebenson saidI have this problem (I am TOTALLY not joking at ALL):

    Whenever I sleep with any guy for the first time (talking about sleep not sex), if I am spooning him, in the middle of the night I "sleep croon" and say "I love you" over and over in his ear until I either wake him or myself up.


    Sleep-over at Jakes! Sign me up. I'll take sweet nothings...icon_wink.gif
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    Sep 06, 2008 3:48 AM GMT
    Brady527-

    That was the most poignant advice about love, I've ever read. It brought tears thinking about the couple of times I should have been vulnerable enough to let love into my heart.



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    Sep 06, 2008 3:53 AM GMT
    Well, I'm very open with my emotions, but have also experienced the same. I catch myslef going on about it. It tends to scare people off. I don't know why I go on about it, I suppose because I don't know if they trust me yet. In any case, it's probably best you just slip it in somewhere here and there and leave it at that. That way, he knows but isn't overwhelmed enough with the thought to obsess about it. I just wish I had as much self control to do the same.
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    Sep 06, 2008 3:57 AM GMT
    I say it right after he buys me a benz with tinted windows and some rims.icon_cool.gif

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    Sep 06, 2008 1:04 PM GMT
    Say it only when you really feel it!
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    Sep 06, 2008 1:12 PM GMT
    Why is it that we associate Affection with Weakness?


    If I like/love somebody I am at my strongest most secure place. I am no expert on love but loving and doing what my heat and gut tell me to do I am most comfortable with. I know at the moment that is what contributes to my happiness and I want to make that person happy.
    It is better to have loved and loss then to never have loved at all.

    I tell my exes that I'm friends with I love them, it's brotherly love i appreciate who they are what they have done for me. I think we all have brotherly love for everyone, it comes in all different forms - just like love itself. Do you love your dog the same way you love your favorite movie?

    I say share love. Tell him. Love changes, love is everywhere, love is an art.
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    Sep 06, 2008 2:01 PM GMT
    I don't think its so much that we are weak when we say we love someone, rather it makes the other person feel weak, because there is an unspoken expectation that they now have to love you back. So if they're not ready to say it back, it makes them feel awkward.

    In any event, I talked to him about it, and he tells me he's not the kind to say it. So I guess that kinda clears that up I suppose.
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    Sep 06, 2008 3:12 PM GMT

    After all these years we still say, "I love you." to each other a few times a day.
    This little statement is an affirmation to the other that they are, indeed, loved.
    Pretty simple, really.

    I once went out with a guy who declared he wasn't the kind to say it. I said hearing it just made me feel good. He then said hearing it made him feel uncomfortable. He said it made him feel claustrophobic and trapped.

    His senses of freedom were the bars of his prison.


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    Sep 06, 2008 3:16 PM GMT
    I'd say if you're in a LTR and you both feel it - great. But if you're just dating around and someone says it to you prematurely - it kind of ruins things. Next thing you know, they want to be "the one" and have you stop seeing others - then - some of this, some of that and it's just not good to ever say the "L" word without a lot of time and thought.
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    Sep 06, 2008 3:25 PM GMT

    Good points, Jockbod48,

    We never said it to each other until we were pretty sure from each other's behaviors that it was very obvious. That was a week after we met and had spent enormous amounts of time together. I'm not kidding, enormous amounts of intense, communicative time. We'd already talked about being in love and what each of us needed to thrive in such a state. Terribly heady and pragmatic approach.

    If you've already moved in together, as our OP has, things are complexioned a little differently from casual dating. Of course, it all depends on the dynamics of any particular relationship. Some guys are not very affectionate or romantic; put 'em together and they're in heaven.
  • Aquanerd

    Posts: 845

    Sep 06, 2008 4:07 PM GMT
    What kind of love? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_styles

    It's good to know what type of love is being expressed; especially by the other guy.

    What kind of Love have to demonstrated? ...can you demonstrate? ...would be comfortable with?
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    Sep 06, 2008 4:35 PM GMT
    Like onstage said...listen to your gut. You two obviously love each other enough to move in together, so why not take it to the next level?
  • dfrourke

    Posts: 1062

    Sep 06, 2008 6:08 PM GMT
    well, for the first time [in a long time]...this type of forum is very pertinent...I just had a conversation with a guy I have been dating for about 3 months...I enjoy our company together...our sex life keeps me content...and although I think he is super attractive, attentive, and affectionate...I don't love him...yet...

    I can feel that feeling build...and I can't keep my hands off him when I see him...and I LOVE talking with him...but that feeling isn't quite there yet...so, we'll just keep doing what we are doing while it feels good...and see what comes of it...

    this was the first dating relationship where I felt comfortable telling the other person...I don't love you yet...that would have been hard to say [and I imagine hear] before this guy...but there is just something easy about how we talk to each other...I don't feel afraid to say what I need to say...

    stay tuned to see if love shows up...

    - David icon_wink.gif