I just want to get married...

  • imbrad

    Posts: 377

    Nov 10, 2012 6:59 AM GMT
    Before every starts telling me I'm young and have time to worry about this or need to be patient... I just want to spew a little bit.

    I REALLY WANT TO HAVE A HUSBAND! Now that doesn't mean i'm going to throw a ring on the first finger that will say yes, i'm picky. My friends tell me I'm single because I have high standards which I suppose is a good thing. I just get so frustrated when I do my best to educate myself, and sharpen my wit and stay healthy and guys around me are more or less a waste of time. I am told that I think too much and try to hard. I guess that's where I get frustrated.

    My last boyfriend was very smart and we never stopped laughing. Things were pretty much perfect except for his inability to sleep with fewer than all the people he met. He knew I wanted to get married eventually and he put some effort into our relationship until he just didn't want to anymore. His perogative really.

    Is it a waste of time to hope that there are other young men out there that take pride in their brain and treat others with respect and eventually want a lifelong committed monogomous relationship? Is my generation over it?
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Nov 10, 2012 7:05 AM GMT
    live it up a bit and play the field a little .. how else are you ever going to get any practice and know if you've met the right one ... no you don't have to be an all out whore .. but you do need to date a few more then one
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    Nov 10, 2012 7:11 AM GMT
    Oh god, kid, you are going to have a really long, slow, painful crawl to death. Relax.
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    Nov 10, 2012 7:21 AM GMT
    This post shows you're really not ready.
  • whytehot

    Posts: 1165

    Nov 10, 2012 7:24 AM GMT
    Love at first sight, highschool sweethearts getting married, all that good stuff is just for straight people.
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    Nov 10, 2012 7:27 AM GMT
    Just relax .. Haven't looked at your profile but you must also be in your early twenties. Just relax and let things happen.

    ... lost interest so that's all I got .. i kind of feel like Lifetime could give you better advice. icon_eek.gif
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Nov 10, 2012 7:28 AM GMT
    whytehot saidLove at first sight, highschool sweethearts getting married, all that good stuff is just for straight people.

    Not even 50% of the straight people buy into that
  • kevmoran

    Posts: 1543

    Nov 10, 2012 7:31 AM GMT
    I don't know if I'm up for marriage, but it is frustrating to want a relationship in gayland. It seems like guys <28 consider a regular fuck buddy to be the highest form of commitment. Like others say, find something else to focus on and the dicks will come to you like magnets.
  • imbrad

    Posts: 377

    Nov 10, 2012 7:38 AM GMT
    Some of the responders kinda missed my point. It just seems to me that younger guys don't value marriage. I'm not whining about not being able to find a husband tomorrow or anything like that. I just don't really meet many gay men that are interested in the idea of marriage (in general, not just with me).

    Am I wasting my time committing myself to the idea or is there a broader population of young gay men that consider marriage a definite goal in their life?
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    Nov 10, 2012 7:38 AM GMT
    Marriage isn't "something to shoot for". It isn't a goal to achieve. It isn't something to fantasize about.

    Marriage is the culmination of a specific relationship with a specific individual. You're just in love with the idea of marriage.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Nov 10, 2012 7:39 AM GMT
    You didn't mention the word "love." I can't imagine a marriage or an LTR without it on some level.

    Love isn't a crush. It isn't an infatuation. It isn't sexual attraction or lust. It may at different stages have all of those but it isn't any of those.

    Your lover is going to be as human as you are. Any lover you find is going to be as beautiful, sexy and smart as you are. But he's also going to be frightened, vulnerable and imperfect as you are, too. The question in love always is, are you, both of you, going to get beyond the surface of things and actually become partners--two halves of one life?

    In my experience, that doesn't just "happen," even when both guys are interested and willing. We think we know ourselves but being in a relationship, if it is a real one, will show you things about yourself you didn't know before. In other words, a relationship helps both people in it grow.

    The scary thing about that, too, though, is that the two people can grow in different ways and actually grow apart. That happens all the time in hetero relationships. Think about it. Why would you think a gay one would be any different?

    My parents lived to see their 75th wedding anniversary. Think about that. They were married when he was 17 and she was 15. They spent their ENTIRE LIVES together. When one died, the other died soon after.

    I mention all this because you're almost old enough now to begin to see other young people around you as "young" compared to yourself. Usually happens about the time you turn 25 and realize you're now a quarter of a century old and approximately 1/3 of the way through a long life. By the time you hit 30 it begins to really sink in: One of these days YOU WILL NOT BE HERE.

    What I'm talking about are psychological changes that are every bit as real as the kinds of changes you go through in puberty. YOU are going to change and as you change your values, motives, interests -- all of it, will change along with you.

    Hopefully you will meet the young man of your dreams and he won't turn out to be your worst nightmare a few months or years down the line. But however it turns out you will have lived and grown and become more of a man.

    Life isn't all roses and even the roses have their thorns. They're still beautiful and worth the effort, IMO.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Nov 10, 2012 7:41 AM GMT
    Ariodante saidMarriage isn't "something to shoot for". It isn't a goal to achieve. It isn't something to fantasize about.

    Marriage is the culmination of a specific relationship with a specific individual. You're just in love with the idea of marriage.

    ooooo ... very well put ... you are a master
  • imbrad

    Posts: 377

    Nov 10, 2012 7:43 AM GMT
    Ariodante saidMarriage isn't "something to shoot for". It isn't a goal to achieve. It isn't something to fantasize about.

    Marriage is the culmination of a specific relationship with a specific individual. You're just in love with the idea of marriage.


    But if so many people are so afriad of the idea that they don't allow themselves to grow with another person is it worth having the perspctive that marriage is important?
  • whytehot

    Posts: 1165

    Nov 10, 2012 7:45 AM GMT
    AMoonHawk said
    whytehot saidLove at first sight, highschool sweethearts getting married, all that good stuff is just for straight people.

    Not even 50% of the straight people buy into that


    I wasn't joking. I know at least 6 straight couples just like that. Married in their mid-late 20's. That is a fantasy in the gay world, and for many gays a nightmare.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Nov 10, 2012 7:50 AM GMT
    MikeW said
    Hopefully you will meet the young man of your dreams and he won't turn out to be your worst nightmare a few months or years down the line..


    Your whole analogy was very will put. I think the above though struck me most and is what has scares me off the most from wanting or from looking to get into another relationship, for the last 15 or so years.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Nov 10, 2012 7:55 AM GMT
    imbrad said
    But if so many people are so afriad of the idea that they don't allow themselves to grow with another person is it worth having the perspctive that marriage is important?

    What do YOU want?

    Is marriage important to YOU? If it is, you can't just give up that perspective. Or, put the other way around, if you can just give up on that "perspective," then I question how badly you actually want it yourself.

  • Just_Tim

    Posts: 1723

    Nov 10, 2012 7:59 AM GMT
    Ariodante saidMarriage isn't "something to shoot for". It isn't a goal to achieve. It isn't something to fantasize about.

    Marriage is the culmination of a specific relationship with a specific individual. You're just in love with the idea of marriage.


    I think a lot of people "shoot for marriage" and it isn't a bad thing. Those same people also see it as a "goal" they'd like to reach someday. AND those same people "fantasize" about it while they lay awake at night.

    It's not a bad thing that people shouldn't do. I think it's pretty normal actually. It might lead to high expectations in every single relationship they ever have, which will certainly lead to disappointment, but it will only take those TWO people who want the same thing to make it happen.

    I don't think you can really get to that "specific relationship with that specific individual" without idealizing the IDEA of it, at least a little bit.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Nov 10, 2012 8:01 AM GMT
    AMoonHawk said
    MikeW said
    Hopefully you will meet the young man of your dreams and he won't turn out to be your worst nightmare a few months or years down the line..


    Your whole analogy was very will put. I think the above though struck me most and is what has scares me off the most from wanting or from looking to get into another relationship, for the last 15 or so years.

    Yeah, well, it is born of experience.

    Eros is a trickster god. He seems equally delighted with comedy and tragedy. What he abhors is milk-toast.

    People want to play it safe but neither love nor life are safe. Ever. It's a risk. None of us get out of this alive. But if love is real, you don't regret it, even if the dream does become a nightmare.

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    Nov 10, 2012 8:07 AM GMT
    Just_Tim said

    I think a lot of people "shoot for marriage" and it isn't a bad thing. Those same people also see it as a "goal" they'd like to reach someday. AND those same people "fantasize" about it while they lay awake at night.


    It's called being in love with love. And no, it's not a good thing.
  • araphael

    Posts: 1148

    Nov 10, 2012 8:13 AM GMT
    imbrad saidBefore every starts telling me I'm young and have time to worry about this or need to be patient... I just want to spew a little bit.

    I REALLY WANT TO HAVE A HUSBAND! Now that doesn't mean i'm going to throw a ring on the first finger that will say yes, i'm picky. My friends tell me I'm single because I have high standards which I suppose is a good thing. I just get so frustrated when I do my best to educate myself, and sharpen my wit and stay healthy and guys around me are more or less a waste of time. I am told that I think too much and try to hard. I guess that's where I get frustrated.

    My last boyfriend was very smart and we never stopped laughing. Things were pretty much perfect except for his inability to sleep with fewer than all the people he met. He knew I wanted to get married eventually and he put some effort into our relationship until he just didn't want to anymore. His perogative really.

    Is it a waste of time to hope that there are other young men out there that take pride in their brain and treat others with respect and eventually want a lifelong committed monogomous relationship? Is my generation over it?


    My little younger dude bro! Please listen to me! Do not be so anxious to get married! I have been married before, to a woman no less as most people think of marriage. Trust me, from experience, when I tell you that you should not be jealous or anxious that you are not married yet when all of your young friends are. They are wishing, and if not yet then very soon they will, wish that they were half singe and half married. Marriage is a whole new lifestyle, whether it's gay or straight. You are too young to jump in to this. I hope you listen to what I'm trying to warn you about dude. I didn't listen to men who were married who told me this and I wish I had listened actually. I would have avoided a lot of pain and suffering. You're only 24. Take your time little bro.
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    Nov 10, 2012 3:14 PM GMT
    imbrad saidSome of the responders kinda missed my point. It just seems to me that younger guys don't value marriage. I'm not whining about not being able to find a husband tomorrow or anything like that. I just don't really meet many gay men that are interested in the idea of marriage (in general, not just with me).

    Am I wasting my time committing myself to the idea or is there a broader population of young gay men that consider marriage a definite goal in their life?
    . Some of the RJers have missed your point, and some have been a little bit hard on you for seeking to be "married." You originally said you were hoping to find more guys
    wanting to be eventually in a committed long term monogamous relationship . There are lots of young guys out there who want that also , but for many, a long term committed monogamous relationship is not necessarily marriage . For gay men, the availability of it legal marriage is a very new concept , only in the last few years becoming available in only a handful of states. (Is Colorado even 1 of them?) But the long term committed monogamous relationship has always been available to everyone, and lots of gay couples have such relationships now. I think a large percentage of young gay men, even in their twenty's, want "eventually" to be in a long term committed relationship - emphasis on the word " eventually." Probably a lot smaller percentage of them are thinking about the eventual legal marriage - after all, it is a new concept for gay couples . If the same sex marriage were available throughout the US, and had been available for years, a lot more young gay men would have marriage in the back of their minds as a goal.

    . But a lot of RJers are right, in encouraging you not to think about gettimg into a marriage . Getting legally married is no protection for the duration of the relationship . More than half of all marriages in the United States end in divorce . Those statistics are for straights, but why should we expect it will be any different for gay men? A lot of those divorces are with people who married young . Couples who we're in love. Couples who did not know each other well enough . Couples who have not lived long enough together first . Besides benefits, marriage also has burdens . In the West, in states like Colorado, where you live, there is community property, which means you would be liable for your husbands gambling debts and income taxes, and in some states, liable for the debts he had even before he got married to you . The process of getting a divorce is terribly expensive . These are just some reasons why everyone should think carefully before going from a living together situation to a marriage. So, if your partner has a lot of debt, is a gambler, or owes child support from a previous marriage, you have to think carefully before deciding on a marriage . Forgetting about the legalities for now, the essence of a marriage is the committed monogamous relationship so that if you want eventually to be married, the monogamous relationship should be your immediate goal . The marriage is only the icing on the cake -the legality . It is not something you bring up when you start dating somebody, but only when you know them, and you see your relationship going somewhere . If you bring it up too early you may scare off some potential mates . In the long run, I don't think gay men are going to be any different than straight men in this regard - after all they're still men. Imbrad, you're a lot smarter than the average bear your age; you can figure all this out ( and you have a lot to offer any guy). Don't despair . Find someone to fall in love with. Live with them. And then think about marriage.
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    Nov 10, 2012 3:17 PM GMT
    You live full time in Durango? Not many gays there...
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Nov 10, 2012 3:21 PM GMT
    imbrad saidSome of the responders kinda missed my point. It just seems to me that younger guys don't value marriage. I'm not whining about not being able to find a husband tomorrow or anything like that. I just don't really meet many gay men that are interested in the idea of marriage (in general, not just with me).

    Am I wasting my time committing myself to the idea or is there a broader population of young gay men that consider marriage a definite goal in their life?


    marriage = blah

    alimony from billionaire ex husband = yes please
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    Nov 10, 2012 3:48 PM GMT
    Yogi567 saidYou live full time in Durango? Not many gays there...
    . Yeah, but did you see his photo in the cowboy hat? Where.else but in a place like Colorado is he going to find a cowboy? And probably not in Denver.
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    Nov 10, 2012 3:49 PM GMT
    Aristoshark said
    calibro said
    marriage = blah

    alimony from billionaire ex husband = yes please

    Fuck alimony.

    1/2 of the net worth of billionaire ex-husband = yes please


    Married two rich Men.

    The first one died. The Family Matriarch stood in My living room and asked what I wanted.

    I took the little ceramic pig he made at summer camp when He was 6.

    The 3 and a half million dollars worth of crap I stuffed the apartment with was theirs. I think they actually drooled.

    I left it behind and never looked back.

    icon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gif