Wtf is the deal with some people?! #friendproblems

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 11, 2012 3:43 PM GMT
    I don't have a lot of friends, and I'm pretty lonely most of the time (pity me here, I know). And by not a lot I mean I only have 1 friend (a female). I've always wanted to have guy friends, and I had a few growing up, but never really had any once I got into high school (I actually didn't have any friends in high school until senior year) and still don't to this day.

    However, there's a guy at work and he's really cool (or at least I thought he was). He is straight, good-looking and girls love him. I'm not "out" or anything (I'm still kind of confused about my sexuality to be honest, although I'm starting to think I may be bi). Anyway, our senses of humor are pretty similar, and we get along really well at work. We're always talking, laughing and joking around with each other. We text each other pretty frequently just as normal friends would.

    However, when it comes to hanging out outside of work, he gets really flakey. This past St. Patrick's Day he asked me if I had plans. When I told him no, he invited me out with his friends and said he would text me after work. Well, I went home that night and he never texted me, and I ended up finding out that he did go out that night.

    There's been a few other instances where I have texted him suggesting to hang out, and he'd be like "yeah cool, I'm totally down" but when the time would come, he wouldn't reply to my text and then make up some lame excuse as to why he didn't respond.

    Now obviously I took the hint that he wasn't interested in whatever my plans were, however, there have been instances (such as the St. Patrick's Day one I mentioned above) where HE invited ME out, but then wouldn't text me when he actually went. It happened at work again tonight. He asked me if I had plans, I said no, he invited me to go out. He brought it up again as he was punching out for his shift and said he would text me later if he was going. Well, he never texted me and I could see on the "Find My Friends" app on my iPhone that he is out at the bar that he supposedly invited me to (he asked me and a few other co-workers to download the app and request to follow him, so no I'm not being a creep).

    The only reason this whole thing just bothers me because I've never had any real guy friends and I really thought I could be friends with this co-worker since we seem to have a lot in common, but I've just been let down too many times. This is why there's a small part of me that has lost faith in people and makes me somewhat antisocial.

    My main question here though is why would you invite someone out multiple times if you didn't really have any intentions of hanging out with them? It's not like I'm the one constantly trying to make plan. He is the one asking me and says "I'll text you later" but then never does. Who does that?

    Do you think I should say anything, and if so, what?
  • alphatop

    Posts: 1955

    Nov 11, 2012 3:51 PM GMT
    Ignore him.
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    Nov 11, 2012 3:52 PM GMT


    I'd just not bother with him. If he invites you places, fine, just stop expecting anything other than flaky behaviour.
    If it gets to you start saying, "Fine, if I'm free that day/evening."
    Keep meeting new people!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 11, 2012 4:13 PM GMT
    Some people are like that in general, it has nothing to do with you, but more so the fact that they cant be bothered or remember to text you before they head out.

    In cases where youre waiting around for him to shoot you a text, why not just give him a buzz instead of looking for his location on an app.
    it IS kind of creepy that you're using an app to locate him btw (regardless of whether he not he requested you to follow him), you could have easily called him.

    Im pretty flaky when it comes to uni mates to be honest. I already have my close circle of friends outside of school, and would much rather spend my spare time with them over "collegues"/uni friends. I feel much more comfortable and have to put in a lot less effort with my close mates in comparison to workmates. This might be the same case with your workmate.

    My uni friends always call me out and I usually say I'll come just to be polite. In my situation, I already know my uni-friends will have a good time regardless of whether or not I'm there, so I can flake out without feeling guilty. Your work mate might be under the assumption that if he doesn't call you, you probably will have your own plans or your own friends to go out with either way. In this case he's not gonna feel bad about flaking out on you and he's not going to go out of his way to see if you're coming.

    You're never gonna know unless you ask him. If you guys click as much as you think you do, chances are he's happy to have you around, but just cant be bothered making the full effort to ensure it. Like I said before, just call him.

    In the worst case scenario, he's already "workfriend-zoned" you haha. So expect that every time he calls you out or says he's keen to hang out, he's only doing it because he just wants to keep the work relationship civil.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 11, 2012 4:19 PM GMT
    You should do the same thing to him and see what happens.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 11, 2012 4:20 PM GMT
    that happened to me too! what is wrong with weirdos like that- find someone genuine, and rely on them not his flaky ass. trust me, itll feel good to put him in your past
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    Nov 11, 2012 5:06 PM GMT
    melbourne92 saidSome people are like that in general, it has nothing to do with you, but more so the fact that they cant be bothered or remember to text you before they head out.

    In cases where youre waiting around for him to shoot you a text, why not just give him a buzz instead of looking for his location on an app.
    it IS kind of creepy that you're using an app to locate him btw (regardless of whether he not he requested you to follow him), you could have easily called him.

    Im pretty flaky when it comes to uni mates to be honest. I already have my close circle of friends outside of school, and would much rather spend my spare time with them over "collegues"/uni friends. I feel much more comfortable and have to put in a lot less effort with my close mates in comparison to workmates. This might be the same case with your workmate.

    My uni friends always call me out and I usually say I'll come just to be polite. In my situation, I already know my uni-friends will have a good time regardless of whether or not I'm there, so I can flake out without feeling guilty. Your work mate might be under the assumption that if he doesn't call you, you probably will have your own plans or your own friends to go out with either way. In this case he's not gonna feel bad about flaking out on you and he's not going to go out of his way to see if you're coming.

    You're never gonna know unless you ask him. If you guys click as much as you think you do, chances are he's happy to have you around, but just cant be bothered making the full effort to ensure it. Like I said before, just call him.

    In the worst case scenario, he's already "workfriend-zoned" you haha. So expect that every time he calls you out or says he's keen to hang out, he's only doing it because he just wants to keep the work relationship civil.


    He said he was going to text me if he went out. He didn't. I shouldn't have to text or call him to see if I can go, when he is the one who brought it up and invited me and said "I'll text you later if we go out". I'm not going to harass someone. He extended the invitation, not me.

    If you don't want to be friends with someone and are going to be flaky, then why would you ask that person to go out/hang out with you? It doesn't make sense. If I don't like someone at work or school, I keep my distance from them as much as possible and I would certainly never ask them to hang out with me. Isn't that what a normal person would do? Seems like common sense. That's the confusing part to me...
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    Nov 11, 2012 5:18 PM GMT
    I'd say call him on it and let him either lie to you or apologize. Then maybe he'll either quit asking or actually follow through next time.
  • drypin

    Posts: 1798

    Nov 11, 2012 5:20 PM GMT
    Whatever happened to confronting people about their behavior?

    The next time he throws you the same old tired line, you say, "Dude, what's up with that? You say that but you never text. It'd be cool to hang out but I'm not looking to be your "when-everyone-else-blows-me-off buddy".
  • Kel_

    Posts: 1360

    Nov 11, 2012 5:23 PM GMT
    Maybe he knows that you don't really have that many friends (maybe heard it from people, I don't know, just an assumption) and that inviting you over to meet his friends would likely be an awkward situation for you and his friends, perhaps including himself.

    I know, that sounds terrible on my part, but it could be a possibility of why he keeps on flaking out with you - that it could get socially awkward.
    I've had a friend who was like that, I would invite this person and at the last minute, would say no, or come up with an excuse.

    On the other end, some people just sometimes tend to be really shy when it comes to meeting new people.
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    Nov 11, 2012 5:30 PM GMT
    next time he asks you out, just say not, and tell him why, like you have got to stop submitting to him like that, also stop pitying yourself cause if you do all you are going to attract in your life is that, no go out and meet new people if that is what u want and be happy.
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    Nov 11, 2012 5:35 PM GMT
    Kel_ saidMaybe he knows that you don't really have that many friends (maybe heard it from people, I don't know, just an assumption) and that inviting you over to meet his friends would likely be an awkward situation for you and his friends, perhaps including himself.

    I know, that sounds terrible on my part, but it could be a possibility of why he keeps on flaking out with you - that it could get socially awkward.
    I've had a friend who was like that, I would invite this person and at the last minute, would say no, or come up with an excuse.

    On the other end, some people just sometimes tend to be really shy when it comes to meeting new people.

    Then why keep inviting him out? If this is the case then what he's doing is just plain mean of him because he knows he's purposefully (and knowingly) isolating someone.

    In my opinion, this guy is just absent minded. Nobody is pursuing anyone for a "relationship" so it the "if he's interested in you, he will call" doesn't apply here. In reality, he probably invites a lot of people out and then forgets or "assumes" that they're coming already. He's focused on his own good time and being with his friends. Now for the reason he flakes out when you ask him; he simply wants to be with his own friends and doesn't want to make you feel bad. That's it. Like I said, nobody here is pursuing a boyfriend so greater care isn't taken to turn you off.

    For the advice that he should confront him; no. These two guys work together. No need to bring personal matters into the workplace. I'd casually slip it into conversation. Night after the bar: "how was the bar last night?" "Oh it was great! You should've...." Oh shit is right. He did and he forgot. And that will make him realize it. If he plays it off that he doesn't realize it then say that I would've if you called. Do your best to play it off that it wasn't a big deal and you haven't asked guys online what to do. icon_cool.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 11, 2012 5:40 PM GMT
    Ya got to ask yourself why he has friends and you don't. Seems like many gay men are like women in that they expect to be invited. You need to modify your behavior and stop expecting an engraved invitation. Is is not his job to be your social secretary. Next time he asks you take that as the invite and go. He may feel a little funny about asking twice since you are gay.
  • onefortified

    Posts: 1630

    Nov 11, 2012 5:45 PM GMT
    You need to tell him to go fuck himself.
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    Nov 11, 2012 6:04 PM GMT
    Alpha13 saidYa got to ask yourself why he has friends and you don't. Seems like many gay men are like women in that they expect to be invited. You need to modify your behavior and stop expecting an engraved invitation. Is is not his job to be your social secretary. Next time he asks you take that as the invite and go. He may feel a little funny about asking twice since you are gay.


    Did you not read or comprehend what I said? He did invite me. He asked me if I had plans last night and I told him no. He said he was going out, and asked if I'd be interested in going with him. I said ok, let me know. As he was leaving work, he was like "I'll text you later and let you know what I'm doing" or something like that. He never texted me. So it's not like he invited me and I didn't go. He didn't follow through.

    And as far as me being gay goes, I'm pretty sure I'm bi as I mentioned in my opening post, but he doesn't know that, nor does anyone else.
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    Nov 11, 2012 6:07 PM GMT
    steelguitar said

    He said he was going to text me if he went out. He didn't. I shouldn't have to text or call him to see if I can go, when he is the one who brought it up and invited me and said "I'll text you later if we go out". I'm not going to harass someone. He extended the invitation, not me.

    If you don't want to be friends with someone and are going to be flaky, then why would you ask that person to go out/hang out with you? It doesn't make sense. If I don't like someone at work or school, I keep my distance from them as much as possible and I would certainly never ask them to hang out with me. Isn't that what a normal person would do? Seems like common sense. That's the confusing part to me...


    Its not harassing someone when you call once just to see what the go is. You're simply calling to address the invitation that was extended to you to see if the plan is still a go. There are a number of reasons he may not have texted you before going out. Eg. he could be held up. I get that you'd be annoyed and think "why should i text, when he said he'll let me know?" however, some people are absent-minded (as mentioned by someone else above.) It comes off that you're holding people too high a regard. He's extended the invitation, so meet him halfway and make a call to see if he's still down. I wouldn't just sit there wait til the last minute, search them up on an app and then become bitter about it.
    Its all pretty bullshit, and yeah, it doesnt make sense. But Id just make that phone call and roll with it. Chances are he'll end up giving you details of where to go and what time and he will be there. The whole point boils down to the fact that he probably would like to be out with you, but not enough to follow through unless you nudge him once.
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    Nov 11, 2012 6:15 PM GMT
    Have you thought maybe he's closeted too and he invites you in the moment when he's brave enough but then later on has time to think about it, his friends being there, etc and he freaks out and then chickens out?
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Nov 11, 2012 6:23 PM GMT
    I'd not spend too much time overanalyzing this situation. I don't think it is really helping your situation. I'd try and find other activities where you might meet some decent people and develop friendships from there. It can take some real effort. I certainly don't think it was you,.. so don't over critique it, just move on. You did nothing wrong.
  • Kel_

    Posts: 1360

    Nov 11, 2012 6:23 PM GMT
    TotalTopJock saidHave you thought maybe he's closeted too and he invites you in the moment when he's brave enough but then later on has time to think about it, his friends being there, etc and he freaks out and then chickens out?


    This is what I mean. He probably thought it's a good idea to invite you at first, but get cold feet in the last minute.
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    Nov 11, 2012 6:27 PM GMT
    Chances are he's trying to bang a chick or did that last night when he supposed to txt you. It is a known fact that straight dudes ditch other dudes or don't txt/call them because of *pussy. icon_lol.gif

    In all seriousness, you should.

    1/ Confront/tell him about it the next time when you see him.

    2/ It's better off not having friends like that, maybe it's just who they are, being flaky. You either accept it or move on.

    3/ Go out and make/find other better *gay friends.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 11, 2012 7:00 PM GMT
    Man, whatever the reason, it is none of your business.. and I say that in the best of ways 100%. He's either a flake or just straight up rude, regardless of the reason.. you don't want to waste your time on someone like that. He clearly has shown you who he is.. so please believe him. Next time he asks you out somewhere, you kindly decline. Just keep him as a work buddy with no hangups of what he has done in the past. No need for lingering thoughts of why.. because it doesn't matter. You will not want to hang out with him anyway once you bump into someone who really will be a good true friend to you.

    For now, I think you should learn to go out solo. Awkward as hell at first, but after a few times you will find that it is just as good as going out with someone. I find that more people approach you when you are not with a pack anyway.

    Secondly, I think it would be a good idea to fill out your profile. I understand that you don't like "talking about yourself", however if you are really looking to make friends you will have to eventually talk about yourself once you speak with someone. Filling out your profile is not being self centered, it is just being proactive in the persuit of finding potential friendships.

    Boa Sorte (Good Luck)

  • ThatSwimmerGu...

    Posts: 3755

    Nov 11, 2012 8:10 PM GMT
    You can find better friends than that. I'd be pissed if my friends did that.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 11, 2012 8:13 PM GMT
    Fuck him. Not everybody is like that


    Just ignore him
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 11, 2012 8:25 PM GMT
    You're in your twenties and unfortunately this happens a lot more during this period than at any other point in your life. You're trying to figure out who you are and are still forming the person you will be and others are all going through that same process. Here's what I learned in my 20's:

    1) Some people make better colleagues than friends.
    2) Some friends are better to go out with than hang out with. (Yes there is a major difference.)
    3) Don't confuse those who are always around with those who will always be there.

    Keep your head up bud.
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    Nov 11, 2012 8:38 PM GMT
    This is why I don't hang out wih coworkers outside of work.