Why, why, why???

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 06, 2008 5:07 PM GMT
    This just drives me crazy! Why is it that I have absoultly no problems flirting with almost any guy I see, but the simple act of actually asking one of them on a date leaves me toung-tied and looking like a big old dork.

    Four times now, I have had the desire to ask this one guy out. I see him often and even have made some good small talk, but no matter how much I want to go out with him, I always end up chickening out at the last moment. BLARG!

    Does anyone else have this problem? Tell me it's normal.
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    Sep 06, 2008 6:48 PM GMT

    Only you can tell us why? It certainly isn't because you are shy: you have no problem flirting. No, this isn't necessarily normal because it's contingent on your individual malfunction, whatever that is.

    However, I think many gay men struggle with this, except for differing reasons. My hypothesis is that gay men have a problem participating in the dating game because none were socialized young to date boys or men , but girls. No matter how old or open or prideful they get I think these old mental barriers stay in place. Atleast this was my issue. I had to realize I belong to a different world with different rules now. I actually used to think that if I asked a guy out, my saying it would be somehow broadcasted loud enough for everyone in the area to hear.

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    Sometimes, what we think is not realistic, but we still let it control our actions, it is real to us. My personal thought about you is that this is either fear of rejection or the unknown. I say unknown because maybe you are thinking he might be gay and reject you or he might be a number of other things you may not desire: straight, bi, married, or a bigot. Then again, this may not be your problem either, but it is, again, mine. I am nothing if not tactful, even if i'm 95% sure a guy is gay, I'd hate to insult or embarrass anyone! The frustrating part for me is that I KNOW often, but that 5% error and my obsessive need for social cohesion, stops me.

    With you, I suspect you trust your judgement or live in a more open area and know they are gay? If so, what's stopping you is fear of rejection. There is nothing I can recommend except practice. You'll never be comfortable enough to do this until you do it many times. This is what all of the seeming swans you see in the gay club had to do. They had many hits and misses, but now they know what works and what doesn''t and what their positives and negatives are. When they go to approach a guy, they are pretty sure how it'll turn out based on past exprerience. Now wonder you can't do it, you don't have any experience yet and the only way to get it is to start somewhere. Pick a guy to be your lab rat, if you need to, pick a guy you don't really care if he rejects you. Then, when you are ready, start asking out your prizes. The lab rat won't mind because he won't know and he gets to go on a date with you.

    I tried, but if I am wrong, you know what is stopping you? If not, think about it, the reason will come to you. You need to find it first then you can deal with it.

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    Sep 06, 2008 7:00 PM GMT
    Because you fear rejection. We all do, or at least would prefer to not be rejected. Plus there's the "wth happens AFTER he says no/yes?"

    Or at least that's why I have a tough time asking guys out.
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    Sep 06, 2008 7:06 PM GMT
    Just slip him a note at study hall and have him pat his head and rub his tummy as a visual cue.
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    Sep 06, 2008 8:05 PM GMT
    do what i do. just say it and don't think about it.

    but if you're nervous, drink half a bottle of vodka and you'll have the confidence to ask him, trust me, that I know icon_twisted.gif