Insecurity while dating

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    Nov 12, 2012 2:00 AM GMT
    In an attempt to keep the brevity of this post, I'm going to outline the points I've faced with a recent guy I dated (we were never official).

    - Dated a guy for 4 month, but were never official
    - I ended it a little over a month ago
    - We are still friends and see each other almost every week

    Upon reflection, I think a large reason is because I held deep insecurities about myself when I was with him. Most of them were because I looked up to him and didn't feel that way in return.

    My question is, how do you guys cope with being insecure in a relationship? Since we date guys, and guys end to not show their emotions (I'm guilty), chances are the amount of affection and appreciate we receive from our guy is limited.

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    Nov 12, 2012 2:10 AM GMT
    You may deal with different types of insecurities for the rest of your life.

    If the insecurity is about you thinking that you're not worthy of the other guy's love or affection, you will have a rough road ahead.
    Maybe you need a specific form of affection to believe that the guy cares about you. Maybe he needs to say something to you. Maybe you need touch to be reassured.

    You also mentioned that you looked up to the guy you were dating. You said you felt that he didn't look up to you in return. Do you need some mutual admiration?
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    Nov 12, 2012 2:21 AM GMT
    Macaque saidYou may deal with different types of insecurities for the rest of your life. If the insecurity is about you thinking that you're not worthy of the other guy's love or affection, you will have a rough road ahead.


    That's what I'm the most worried about. I know insecurities are part of human nature and will arise, but want to know the best method of dealing with them.

    Maybe you need a specific form of affection to believe that the guy cares about you. Maybe he needs to say something to you. Maybe you need touch to be reassured.


    I've definitely discovered that I work better with some type of verbal reassurance. I don't need it everyday though. Yet, it's very often I find myself dating someone who doesn't really do that.

    You also mentioned that you looked up to the guy you were dating. You said you felt that he didn't look up to you in return. Do you need some mutual admiration?


    I think I just needed to feel appreciated and wanted, but I'm not sure. He did specifically outline qualities of mine he admired during "the talk" (I am a huge advocate of rational and peaceful break-ups).
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    Nov 12, 2012 2:50 AM GMT
    "The Talk"icon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gif

    Takes serious communication, because yes, guy show or think they show affection, and it is not received as such.
    I used to be cool with: "I'm with you aren't I?" Not needing or thinking he needed more.
    This an area where mutual friends (in long term working relationships) come in handy; those, and RJ threads.
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    Nov 12, 2012 2:59 AM GMT


    "I think a large reason is because I held deep insecurities about myself when I was with him. Most of them were because I looked up to him and didn't feel that way in return."

    I think that's because you didn't let those insecurities out, therefor he hadn't a clue that they needed addressing in the way of reassuring you romantically.

    Bill was insecure. He called me, (and still does) Mr Perfect icon_redface.gif

    I was insecure; I couldn't believe someone so wonderful was in love with plain jane me. Once we opened up these insecurities to each other our romantic life took off even more, as there were now more excuses to pile praise on each other and to make gestures that built each other up.

    Are you with me so far?
  • JosephC

    Posts: 92

    Nov 12, 2012 5:10 AM GMT
    meninlove said

    "I think a large reason is because I held deep insecurities about myself when I was with him. Most of them were because I looked up to him and didn't feel that way in return."

    I think that's because you didn't let those insecurities out, therefor he hadn't a clue that they needed addressing in the way of reassuring you romantically.

    Bill was insecure. He called me, (and still does) Mr Perfect icon_redface.gif

    I was insecure; I couldn't believe someone so wonderful was in love with plain jane me. Once we opened up these insecurities to each other our romantic life took off even more, as there were now more excuses to pile praise on each other and to make gestures that built each other up.

    Are you with me so far?


    Just when did you guys address this? I mean, how do you even bring it up and how soon in the relationship would you do so???
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    Nov 12, 2012 5:27 AM GMT
    With a quiet ache we ached, seeing insecurities in each other, because we'd each been there before; we could see the unsureness of each other, the self deprecation in each other, a little fear and some exhilaration that we each would dare be that vulnerable by showing it to each other. icon_wink.gif

    It happened pretty early in our relationship, but by now you know every relationship is pretty unique. icon_wink.gif

    Because of this empathy, this understanding of feeling unsure, we were each able to respond because each of us felt we had to; we knew what we wished someone would do for us, so we did it, lol

    *grinning*

    -Doug
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    Nov 12, 2012 5:29 AM GMT
    What kind of insecurities are you talking about?
  • JosephC

    Posts: 92

    Nov 12, 2012 5:48 AM GMT
    meninlove said With a quiet ache we ached, seeing insecurities in each other, because we'd each been there before; we could see the unsureness of each other, the self deprecation in each other, a little fear and some exhilaration that we each would dare be that vulnerable by showing it to each other. icon_wink.gif

    It happened pretty early in our relationship, but by now you know every relationship is pretty unique. icon_wink.gif

    Because of this empathy, this understanding of feeling unsure, we were each able to respond because each of us felt we had to; we knew what we wished someone would do for us, so we did it, lol

    *grinning*

    -Doug


    Awww, that didn't help at all but I get your point lol icon_wink.gif
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    Nov 12, 2012 5:56 AM GMT
    icon_wink.gif
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    Nov 12, 2012 6:36 AM GMT
    I hear you brother, my ex-boyfriend never reciprocated the emotions that I provided for six months.

    Sometimes I believe that it's not all guys who don't share their emotions, me being a good example of this. But most guys I have seen do tend to keep to themselves.

    Relationships are rarely perfect, if you understand this then it should not be to hard to accept that emotions will always be bottled up.

    I also found that many guys may never say what they are feeling, but express themselves in different ways. That time when he looked down, and smile because he dose not want you to know that he is happy. Or a friendly shoulder bump on the way to your destination. Affection comes in many forms and is not limited to speech. Some guys are just not verbally trained in the skill of conversation. To them, actions speak louder than words. Men are trained from birth to be very masculine and to conceal their emotions.

    Perhaps...the best way to really comprehend this concept is when you find luck in a guy who does in fact spill his soul in the form of words. Challenge is to find Mr. Right.

    Best of Luck.

    ~Hopeful in Honolulu.
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    Nov 12, 2012 8:04 AM GMT
    meninlove said

    "I think a large reason is because I held deep insecurities about myself when I was with him. Most of them were because I looked up to him and didn't feel that way in return."

    I think that's because you didn't let those insecurities out, therefor he hadn't a clue that they needed addressing in the way of reassuring you romantically.

    Bill was insecure. He called me, (and still does) Mr Perfect icon_redface.gif

    I was insecure; I couldn't believe someone so wonderful was in love with plain jane me. Once we opened up these insecurities to each other our romantic life took off even more, as there were now more excuses to pile praise on each other and to make gestures that built each other up.

    Are you with me so far?


    I'm with ya.

    I do think communication is a key part. My issue is I was too scared to bring it up half the time, thinking it would make me seem weak.

    But then again, that's my issue and need to know if someone won't talk to you about that stuff, then they're not right.

  • Nov 12, 2012 9:17 AM GMT
    Yeah I find reciprocation and signs of affection quite a problem when dating. I tend to go for guys who talk less and I suppose the 'mysterious' type but I also want affection and displays of love. The problem is, sometimes when you have one characteristic, you don't have the other. To test this, I started dating people who give a lot, constantly reassuring and checking up on me, but this, to me, comes off as 'clingy' and I lose interest really quickly.

    I then go back to the guys who 'don't like showing emotions' but then get hurt again when they don't.

    I think the 'perfect relationship' is finding a balance between this give and take scenario.
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    Nov 12, 2012 1:43 PM GMT
    LikeTheBank77 said
    meninlove said

    "I think a large reason is because I held deep insecurities about myself when I was with him. Most of them were because I looked up to him and didn't feel that way in return."

    I think that's because you didn't let those insecurities out, therefor he hadn't a clue that they needed addressing in the way of reassuring you romantically.

    Bill was insecure. He called me, (and still does) Mr Perfect icon_redface.gif

    I was insecure; I couldn't believe someone so wonderful was in love with plain jane me. Once we opened up these insecurities to each other our romantic life took off even more, as there were now more excuses to pile praise on each other and to make gestures that built each other up.

    Are you with me so far?


    I'm with ya.

    I do think communication is a key part. My issue is I was too scared to bring it up half the time, thinking it would make me seem weak.

    But then again, that's my issue and need to know if someone won't talk to you about that stuff, then they're not right.


    Hmm...well, what's weaker, giving in to fear, or being strong enough to voice your insecurities and so help the other understand your needs and so have a chance to fulfill them? icon_wink.gif
    You can also (but not always as effective) show by demonstrating to your partner what you need by giving it to them.
    Like this: If you need affection, give them affection, if you need kind words and reassurance, give them that. Without the communication of self though, the intent can be missed.


    Two songs come to mind; the first by Joni Mitchell and sung by K.D.Lang and second by Information Society:



    I'll try to keep myself open up to you
    That's a promise that I made to love
    When it was new
    "Just like Jericho" I said
    "Let these walls come tumbling down"
    I said it like I finally found the way
    To keep the good feelings alive
    I said it like it was something to strive for
    I'll try to keep myself open up to you
    And approve your self expression
    I need that, too
    I need your confidence, baby
    And the gift of your extra time
    In turn I'll give you mine
    Sweet darling, it's a rich exchange
    It seems to me
    It's a warm arrangement!
    Anyone will tell you
    Just how hard it is to make and keep a friend
    Maybe they'll short sell you
    Or maybe it's you
    Judas, in the end
    When you just can no longer pretend
    That you're getting what you need
    Or you're giving out anything for them to grow and feed on
    I'll try to keep myself open up to you
    It gets easier and easier to do
    Just like Jericho
    Let these walls come tumbling down now
    Let them fall right on the ground
    Let all these dogs go running free
    The wild and the gentle dogs
    Kenneled in me












    LYRICS:::::::::I wanna know
    What you're thinking
    There are some things you can't hide...
    I wanna know
    What you're feeling
    Tell me what's on you mind.

    Pure energy

    Here I am in silence
    Looking round without a clue
    I find myself alone again
    All alone with you...
    I can see behind your eyes
    The things that I don't know
    If you hide away from me
    How can our love grow?

    I wanna know
    What you're thinking
    There are some things you can't hide ...
    I wanna know
    What you're feeling
    Tell me what's on your mind.

    I know I could break you down
    But what good would it do
    I could surely never know
    That what you say is true..
    Here I am in silence
    It's a game I have to play
    You and I in silence
    With nothing else to say..

    I wanna know
    What you're thinking
    There are some things you can't hide
    I wanna know
    What you're feeling
    Tell me what's on your mind..

    Pure energy

    I wanna know
    What you're thinking
    There are some things you can't hide
    I wanna know
    What you're feeling
    Tell me what's on your mind..
    I wanna know..
    What you're thinking..
    There are some things you can't hide..
    I wanna know..
    What you're feeling..
    Tell me what's on your mind.
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    Nov 12, 2012 3:36 PM GMT
    LikeTheBank77 saidIn an attempt to keep the brevity of this post, I'm going to outline the points I've faced with a recent guy I dated (we were never official).

    - Dated a guy for 4 month, but were never official
    - I ended it a little over a month ago
    - We are still friends and see each other almost every week

    Upon reflection, I think a large reason is because I held deep insecurities about myself when I was with him. Most of them were because I looked up to him and didn't feel that way in return.

    My question is, how do you guys cope with being insecure in a relationship? Since we date guys, and guys end to not show their emotions (I'm guilty), chances are the amount of affection and appreciate we receive from our guy is limited.



    I don't see this as insecurity. You saw that he didn't reciprocate your feelings of closeness so the relationship ended. Very smart move on your side. I wouldn't have let it go on for that long unless the sex was great. Even so, I would have probably just considered him a FB or FWB and not have cared about reciprocation. A relationship can be great, but if it's not that, call it something else and enjoy while keeping your eyes opened.
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    Nov 12, 2012 3:41 PM GMT
    While dating I'm just myself and do whatever the fuck I want, in the end if the guy falls for that then it means he's the right one for me if not then we are not suppose to be dating and I'm sure there´s someone out there who'll find my personality to be "the one" for him.
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    Nov 12, 2012 3:45 PM GMT
    A_X91 saidWhile dating I'm just myself and do whatever the fuck I want, in the end if the guy falls for that it means he's the right one if not then we are not suppose to be dating and I'm sure there´s someone out there who'll find my personality to be "the one" for him.


    100% agreement.
    Only I'd have said it differently.
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    Nov 12, 2012 9:43 PM GMT
    I feel insecure if the guy is very good looking (happened twice) or very rich (happened once). I am very average looking and poor (I pay all my bills and I am financially independent and no debt but I am poor in that I have absolutely nothing in the bank). If the guy is better looking than me, I always wonder why is he interested in me when he can do so much better than me, and if the guy is super rich it just makes me uncomfortable and then I think I cannot show him my hideous apartment. I once dated a guy and when he took me to his apartment and I was like am I in a movie? he had the most gorgeous apartment in downtown and when I learned that the rent of his place was what I make in six months, all that made me very uncomfortable.
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    Nov 12, 2012 10:37 PM GMT
    While you can never invest enough in communication skills, there are certain common core personality and behaviour patterns in people. Astrology, personality tests, psychologists have been trying to decipher that for a very long time.


    I am a scientist, a mathematician at core , but as math becomes philosophy at advanced stages and with more life experience I started paying attention to alternative data sources, such as astrology.

    For example, I am a virgo and a good percentage of core virgo traits do apply to me. I realized I do connect and complement naturally with certain types but feel like oil and water with others. ( Any capricorns/taurus out there? icon_smile.gif )

    I find this to be the main issue with dating as well. It's really not about your insecurities. We all have insecurities no matter how confident we are or think we are.

    Insecurities are a good thing, makes us doubt ourselves, forces as to react and take measures, makes us grow. It's an essential human condition just as cortisol it's essential for survival though it's catabolic when it comes to muscle growth!

    In conclusion, I would suggest stop focusing on your insecurities and use your energy on your strengths.

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    Nov 12, 2012 10:59 PM GMT
    It sounds like this may be more of a case of unrequited love more than anything else. But, insecurities do tend to pop up in all kinds of relationships. It also depends on what kind of insecurities we're talking about.

    Some people (me included) tend to feel more secure with positive feedback from time to time. Not sure if that's the case with you, but feedback and open lines of communication (more than who won the game and who Justin Bieber will date next) may help. I'm a big fan of both and it's served me well.

    Not to discount your concern, but you're young. With age comes self-awareness and self-confidence. As you grow you become more comfortable in your own skin and you become better at expressing yourself in relationship settings.

    I think the best thing to do is, if you find yourself in that situation again, just talk about it. Nothing wrong with being a little vulnerable.
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    Nov 12, 2012 11:49 PM GMT
    I think the biggest problem here, was that you didn't feel like he reciprocated your feelings. Whether this was true or not the other problem was that you couldn't communicate with him. Maybe if you did, you would have realized he did look up to you or he would have told you his true feelings.

    But yeah the problem with guys is that a lot of us aren't emotional and like to talk about their feelings...That was the biggest problem in my last relationship, neither one of us would talk about how we felt...The only thing we can do is learn from our past relationships and learn that everyone is insecure about dating and we need to be able to tell our partners how we feel...

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    Nov 13, 2012 12:01 AM GMT
    We we ended, he went into detail what he admired about me, something I didn't expect. But then again, he claimed he couldn't give me what I needed (consistency, availability, etc) at least for the next 6 months (no idea what that timeline referred to).

    But, when i was with him Saturday night, he was drunk (he gets wasted when he goes out) and told me he did miss me. His friend was also trying to convince me to get back together with him.

    I see communication as the big overarching theme here. I've always held that as a priority in a relationship. Like Doug said, fear just overcame me and I couldn't bring the subject up.

    I started this post because I'm more concerned with my future relationships. Every post here has helped.