Nov 13, 2012 5:12 AM GMT
Hi all RJs,
I've got myself into some really bad situation here:
I'm still closeted and still too chicken to come out. Just to make it clear, but that's beside the point.
I know a guy from college. He was in one of my classes. God knows it took all the courage in me to walk up to his seat and said hi. Apparently he was very friendly so talking to him wasn't hard. We've been friends for a long time now. I'd say about 1-2 years. He is interesting, sweet, and very handsome. He does not talk a lot but he makes me laugh when he does. Unfortunately, he is straight. He seems to like women, a lot. Keeping him as a friend was one of my pleasure. I intended to never tell him that I'm gay because I consider him a blessing and do not want to lose him as a friend. Pathetic I know. Sometimes, I just wanna grab him in my arms and kiss him till his lips fall off. However, I never did anything that would break our friendship. He never knew that I like him... like that.
All of that changed about 2 weeks ago. We had a party at my house and after all friends left, he stayed, all crawled up under the blanket and asked me to turn on a movie or something. I, of course, did not refuse. We sat there and watch the movie but there were moments I couldn't help but notice he was giving me quick glances. We were not drunk but a bit tipsy. Blame the alcohol as it may, but I had no idea why I was starting to touch him. And to my total surprise, he let me. We started kissing each other. One thing lead to another, next thing I know I had sex with him and he slept the night over too. I remember in the morning when I woke up to go to work, he told me to stay in bed longer. And I did. That night was the most amazing night of my life.
I had it coming, but was definitely not prepared for this: the next day he acted cold as ever, JUST LIKE THE MOVIES! I got really sad but l did not flip out or anything. A couple more days, he wanted to hang out again at my house, as a friend. I said of course, thinking I could just treat him as a friend again like we had before. However, it did not turn out too well. When I see him now, I just can't control myself anymore. I got emotional when he talks about women. I also found out that he's dating some chick. On the outside I acted normal/happy that he's happy. However in the inside, I got sadder and sadder bc I couldn't help it. One day I even refused his hug (bc I know I probably wouldnt let go of my hug) when he requested one and he later told me thru a text that he was sad. He told me that he only wanted me as a best friend and that that night was just an experiment for him!!! I know I may have taken things too serious but how come i cannot help it. I have these feeling that wouldn't go away. I cant sleep any more.
Now he's been texting me to hang out but I refuse and said that I have a cold as an excuse because I don't wanna be sad by seeing him anymore.
My questions are:
1. Isn't it messed up that I stop seeing my best friend just because we've simply "experimented" and I took it way too serious (when he doesnt)? I mean he did nothing wrong. But why am I feeling so bad? I have never felt this bad before.
2. What should I do? If I don't see him, I will definitely miss him as my friend. But if I see him, it just makes me so sad knowing that he's not mine. Why can't it go back to the way it was. I hate my feelings.
Can someone please shred some light?
Oh sorry for the wall of text. At least I feel a bit better typing it out. here goes nothin
I've got myself into some really bad situation here:
I'm still closeted and still too chicken to come out. Just to make it clear, but that's beside the point.
I know a guy from college. He was in one of my classes. God knows it took all the courage in me to walk up to his seat and said hi. Apparently he was very friendly so talking to him wasn't hard. We've been friends for a long time now. I'd say about 1-2 years. He is interesting, sweet, and very handsome. He does not talk a lot but he makes me laugh when he does. Unfortunately, he is straight. He seems to like women, a lot. Keeping him as a friend was one of my pleasure. I intended to never tell him that I'm gay because I consider him a blessing and do not want to lose him as a friend. Pathetic I know. Sometimes, I just wanna grab him in my arms and kiss him till his lips fall off. However, I never did anything that would break our friendship. He never knew that I like him... like that.
All of that changed about 2 weeks ago. We had a party at my house and after all friends left, he stayed, all crawled up under the blanket and asked me to turn on a movie or something. I, of course, did not refuse. We sat there and watch the movie but there were moments I couldn't help but notice he was giving me quick glances. We were not drunk but a bit tipsy. Blame the alcohol as it may, but I had no idea why I was starting to touch him. And to my total surprise, he let me. We started kissing each other. One thing lead to another, next thing I know I had sex with him and he slept the night over too. I remember in the morning when I woke up to go to work, he told me to stay in bed longer. And I did. That night was the most amazing night of my life.
I had it coming, but was definitely not prepared for this: the next day he acted cold as ever, JUST LIKE THE MOVIES! I got really sad but l did not flip out or anything. A couple more days, he wanted to hang out again at my house, as a friend. I said of course, thinking I could just treat him as a friend again like we had before. However, it did not turn out too well. When I see him now, I just can't control myself anymore. I got emotional when he talks about women. I also found out that he's dating some chick. On the outside I acted normal/happy that he's happy. However in the inside, I got sadder and sadder bc I couldn't help it. One day I even refused his hug (bc I know I probably wouldnt let go of my hug) when he requested one and he later told me thru a text that he was sad. He told me that he only wanted me as a best friend and that that night was just an experiment for him!!! I know I may have taken things too serious but how come i cannot help it. I have these feeling that wouldn't go away. I cant sleep any more.
Now he's been texting me to hang out but I refuse and said that I have a cold as an excuse because I don't wanna be sad by seeing him anymore.
My questions are:
1. Isn't it messed up that I stop seeing my best friend just because we've simply "experimented" and I took it way too serious (when he doesnt)? I mean he did nothing wrong. But why am I feeling so bad? I have never felt this bad before.
2. What should I do? If I don't see him, I will definitely miss him as my friend. But if I see him, it just makes me so sad knowing that he's not mine. Why can't it go back to the way it was. I hate my feelings.
Can someone please shred some light?
Oh sorry for the wall of text. At least I feel a bit better typing it out. here goes nothin