I'm stuck and devastated! I need help! (SOLVED)

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 13, 2012 5:12 AM GMT
    Hi all RJs,

    I've got myself into some really bad situation here:

    I'm still closeted and still too chicken to come out. Just to make it clear, but that's beside the point.

    I know a guy from college. He was in one of my classes. God knows it took all the courage in me to walk up to his seat and said hi. Apparently he was very friendly so talking to him wasn't hard. We've been friends for a long time now. I'd say about 1-2 years. He is interesting, sweet, and very handsome. He does not talk a lot but he makes me laugh when he does. Unfortunately, he is straight. He seems to like women, a lot. Keeping him as a friend was one of my pleasure. I intended to never tell him that I'm gay because I consider him a blessing and do not want to lose him as a friend. Pathetic I know. Sometimes, I just wanna grab him in my arms and kiss him till his lips fall off. However, I never did anything that would break our friendship. He never knew that I like him... like that.

    All of that changed about 2 weeks ago. We had a party at my house and after all friends left, he stayed, all crawled up under the blanket and asked me to turn on a movie or something. I, of course, did not refuse. We sat there and watch the movie but there were moments I couldn't help but notice he was giving me quick glances. We were not drunk but a bit tipsy. Blame the alcohol as it may, but I had no idea why I was starting to touch him. And to my total surprise, he let me. We started kissing each other. One thing lead to another, next thing I know I had sex with him and he slept the night over too. I remember in the morning when I woke up to go to work, he told me to stay in bed longer. And I did. That night was the most amazing night of my life.

    I had it coming, but was definitely not prepared for this: the next day he acted cold as ever, JUST LIKE THE MOVIES! I got really sad but l did not flip out or anything. A couple more days, he wanted to hang out again at my house, as a friend. I said of course, thinking I could just treat him as a friend again like we had before. However, it did not turn out too well. When I see him now, I just can't control myself anymore. I got emotional when he talks about women. I also found out that he's dating some chick. On the outside I acted normal/happy that he's happy. However in the inside, I got sadder and sadder bc I couldn't help it. One day I even refused his hug (bc I know I probably wouldnt let go of my hug) when he requested one and he later told me thru a text that he was sad. He told me that he only wanted me as a best friend and that that night was just an experiment for him!!! I know I may have taken things too serious but how come i cannot help it. I have these feeling that wouldn't go away. I cant sleep any more.

    Now he's been texting me to hang out but I refuse and said that I have a cold as an excuse because I don't wanna be sad by seeing him anymore.

    My questions are:
    1. Isn't it messed up that I stop seeing my best friend just because we've simply "experimented" and I took it way too serious (when he doesnt)? I mean he did nothing wrong. But why am I feeling so bad? I have never felt this bad before.

    2. What should I do? If I don't see him, I will definitely miss him as my friend. But if I see him, it just makes me so sad knowing that he's not mine. Why can't it go back to the way it was. I hate my feelings.

    Can someone please shred some light?
    Oh sorry for the wall of text. At least I feel a bit better typing it out. here goes nothin
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 13, 2012 5:16 AM GMT
    Meh, typical clingy closet guy syndrome.

    Next...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 13, 2012 5:18 AM GMT
    paulflexes saidMeh, typical clingy closet guy syndrome.

    Next...


    Wat do you mean typical? Do you mean that I should stop seeing him at once?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 13, 2012 5:28 AM GMT

    "1. Isn't it messed up that I stop seeing my best friend just because we've simply "experimented" and I took it way too serious (when he doesnt)? I mean he did nothing wrong. But why am I feeling so bad? I have never felt this bad before."

    You were doing it with your feelings as well as your groin; I think he may have been doing groin only. He possibly sees his friendship with you separate from sexual experimentation with you

    "2. What should I do? If I don't see him, I will definitely miss him as my friend. But if I see him, it just makes me so sad knowing that he's not mine. Why can't it go back to the way it was. I hate my feelings."

    Don't hate your feelings; they're telling you something.

    Sometimes it's about something that needs changing, attitude or situation, and sometimes it's a little self analysis. icon_wink.gif
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    Nov 13, 2012 5:33 AM GMT
    I feel terrible reading this. icon_sad.gif

    ddt86651. Isn't it messed up that I stop seeing my best friend just because we've simply "experimented" and I took it way too serious (when he doesnt)? I mean he did nothing wrong. But why am I feeling so bad? I have never felt this bad before.

    Nobody can blame you for feeling this way. You've harbored a crush for years and it was finally fulfilled only for him (as far as you know) it wasn't a mutual feeling. He probably is taking it seriously - he is supposed to be a straight dude and he just had sex with one of his GUY FRIENDS. I'm sorry but he may be playing it off like it was nothing but that guy is mixed up. But you're feeling bad anyway because you're heartbroken. I'm sure you expected that you two would be together just after you guys had sex and those dreams (that you've been building up for the past few years) are dashed. That's why you feel like shit.

    ddt86652. What should I do? If I don't see him, I will definitely miss him as my friend. But if I see him, it just makes me so sad knowing that he's not mine. Why can't it go back to the way it was. I hate my feelings.

    You need time away to sort things out. Have you thought about telling him what that night meant to you? I mean, if he didn't know you out before he probably has an idea now.

    To be honest, your story is right out of a soap opera or a love story. I think I saw this on that German one with Christian and Oliver. Oliver is gay - Christian is not. Oliver gets crush. Two spend time together - one thing eventually leads to another and they have sex. Christian proclaims it was nothing - an experiment and one time thing. Oliver is crushed and is pissed. Christian is obviously not okay - troubled by his night with Olli - so confused and mixed up with feelings and emotions. The two verbally fight it out and they come to terms and start their little secret relationship....

    Not saying that's what will happen but yeah...don't count him out yet.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 13, 2012 5:44 AM GMT
    meninlove said
    "1. Isn't it messed up that I stop seeing my best friend just because we've simply "experimented" and I took it way too serious (when he doesnt)? I mean he did nothing wrong. But why am I feeling so bad? I have never felt this bad before."

    You were doing it with your feelings as well as your groin; I think he may have been doing groin only. He possibly sees his friendship with you separate from sexual experimentation with you

    "2. What should I do? If I don't see him, I will definitely miss him as my friend. But if I see him, it just makes me so sad knowing that he's not mine. Why can't it go back to the way it was. I hate my feelings."

    Don't hate your feelings; they're telling you something.

    Sometimes it's about something that needs changing, attitude or situation, and sometimes it's a little self analysis. icon_wink.gif


    meninlove,
    Good to know you guys are still around.
    I never thought I would feel this bad. This sucks. Ok, so you are saying that I should leave my friend alone because he's not gay and that I should stop being delusional. I've been thinking about it a lot too. I always think coming out is overrated. I think I'm safe as long as no one knows and that no one cares anyway. I think my bubble is hack-proof. Maybe I'm wrong. No, I know I'm wrong. I should stop ignoring and go talk to him and come clean. Perhaps we both have to make a decision then.

    Sorry for stormin into RJ
    Thanks,
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 13, 2012 5:55 AM GMT

    lol, 'storming into RJ'.

    And it's not a matter of being delusional, but of having lots of feelings for this fellow, but having to accept his are very different from yours.

    And yes, you could spill all your feelings to him, as once making love is involved, the doors, I would think, should be open. icon_wink.gif

    It also means you'll have to accept, after saying how you feel, that he may not all feel the same way at all.

    -Doug


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    Nov 13, 2012 6:01 AM GMT
    IceBuckets saidI feel terrible reading this. icon_sad.gif

    ddt86651. Isn't it messed up that I stop seeing my best friend just because we've simply "experimented" and I took it way too serious (when he doesnt)? I mean he did nothing wrong. But why am I feeling so bad? I have never felt this bad before.

    Nobody can blame you for feeling this way. You've harbored a crush for years and it was finally fulfilled only for him (as far as you know) it wasn't a mutual feeling. He probably is taking it seriously - he is supposed to be a straight dude and he just had sex with one of his GUY FRIENDS. I'm sorry but he may be playing it off like it was nothing but that guy is mixed up. But you're feeling bad anyway because you're heartbroken. I'm sure you expected that you two would be together just after you guys had sex and those dreams (that you've been building up for the past few years) are dashed. That's why you feel like shit.

    ddt86652. What should I do? If I don't see him, I will definitely miss him as my friend. But if I see him, it just makes me so sad knowing that he's not mine. Why can't it go back to the way it was. I hate my feelings.

    You need time away to sort things out. Have you thought about telling him what that night meant to you? I mean, if he didn't know you out before he probably has an idea now.

    To be honest, your story is right out of a soap opera or a love story. I think I saw this on that German one with Christian and Oliver. Oliver is gay - Christian is not. Oliver gets crush. Two spend time together - one thing eventually leads to another and they have sex. Christian proclaims it was nothing - an experiment and one time thing. Oliver is crushed and is pissed. Christian is obviously not okay - troubled by his night with Olli - so confused and mixed up with feelings and emotions. The two verbally fight it out and they come to terms and start their little secret relationship....

    Not saying that's what will happen but yeah...don't count him out yet.





    hi icebuckets,

    Your post was very sweet, just when I thought no one really cares about these things anymore.. beside meninlove that is.

    Its funny, my head is telling me to listen to meninlove and fix whatever it is that is wrong with me. However, my heart is telling me to listen to you and that there's this slim chance that my best friend likes me too, but not really ready. Either way, I need to talk to him.

    Thanks!
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    Nov 13, 2012 6:08 AM GMT


    "However, my heart is telling me to listen to you and that there's this slim chance that my best friend likes me too, but not really ready. Either way, I need to talk to him."

    lol, that's why you need Paul's and Icebucket's and our thoughts on this. It helps centering (making up your own mind) yourself, I think. icon_wink.gif A few more perspectives wouldn't hurt either *looks around*

    (Although I think Paul is up to his usual lippy self.) icon_lol.gif
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    Nov 13, 2012 3:21 PM GMT
    There is nothing wrong with you. You just experienced some very strong emotions and feel overwhelmed.
    I have been in your shoes when i was in grade 8. Time will heal you, there is no quick fix. You have feelings for him , he does not.

    Stay away from him for a while. You don't need to make excuses to avoid him. Just tell him the truth!

    Look at it in a positive way as a great learning experience early in life.


    If I come to you with this story:
    " I knocked on a door for 2 years, it opened briefly now it is closed."...
    What would you tell me to do?


    Emotions clouds our judgement!
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    Nov 13, 2012 3:30 PM GMT
    Don't apologize for the way you feel but why not just be honest with your friend? Yes it's going to hurt like a bitch if you don't get the answer you're looking for, but at least you'll be able to sleep at night.

    I went through the same thing with a guy, never ended up in bed though, and it was eating me alive. When I finally told him how I felt, and he introduced me to his girlfriend, now wife, I felt the stress of it all lift off my shoulders.
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    Nov 13, 2012 3:53 PM GMT
    You should definitely tell him what you feel.
    I don't know how about you. But when I fell in love the first and so far the only time: my heart was beating fast anytime i was thinking about him, and anytime i saw him i was instantly happy and so on...

    I mean, tell him how you feel when you are with him, how you like the way you understand each other. He might realize that he feels the same way. This is the only way to give him the chance to understand his own feelings.

    But as someone else already said, don't expect him to feel the same.

    Good luck!
  • camfer

    Posts: 892

    Nov 13, 2012 4:02 PM GMT
    Direct your erotic and/or romantic feelings toward someone else, and spend normal fun time with your friend. Pouring out your feelings to your friend will probably cause more harm than good.
  • TheIStrat

    Posts: 777

    Nov 13, 2012 4:15 PM GMT
    Come out of the closet

    Make gay friends

    Date them instead
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    Nov 13, 2012 4:26 PM GMT
    camfer saidDirect your erotic and/or romantic feelings toward someone else, and spend normal fun time with your friend. Pouring out your feelings to your friend will probably cause more harm than good.


    This is the best solution, IMO. I've been in your situation a few times in my undergrad years and I wish I'd kept my mouth shut. This is not the time to spill your gut, or you risk him walking (if not storming out of your life with some foul language). Best advice again: Find someone new - and try (TRY) to keep this guy as a friend. If you do this right - you'll have a great friend for a long time.
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    Nov 13, 2012 4:51 PM GMT
    I can empathize, ddt8665. When I was in college (nearly 30 years ago now) I had a best buddy with whom I did everything. We were constant companions, and sometimes I'd hear people mutter something about "gay" when they saw us together. I didn't mind, and he didn't either. It was on many levels a storybook friendship, and it meant everything to me.

    We were never sexual, though he told me he loved me many times. After studying abroad one semester, he invited me to share his bedroom (separate beds) when I returned for the rest of the academic year, since it wasn't going to be easy for me to find an apartment. But I DID have sexual feelings for him, and as time went on, it became increasingly difficult to hide them sharing such close quarters. One night after getting home after a few beers, I crawled into bed with him. He froze and made it clear that he was VERY uncomfortable. The next day he was almost a different person to me: very walled off and his interest in spending time with me tapered off. Somehow, we remained friends on the surface, but inside I felt like I was in an emotional death-spiral. I had, after all (in my mind, anyway) ruined the perfect friendship--even though nothing overtly sexual occurred, a line had been crossed that he could not deal with.

    I struggled with that for years, even though it was probably the seismic shift that needed to happen for me to come out and embrace my sexuality, which I did right after graduating from college. That needed to happen, and maybe it was meant to be thus.

    After the "incident", he very quickly found a girlfriend, whom he married right after graduation. Apparently they are still married and have kids, and he's become very churchy and conservative. I haven't heard from him in maybe 15 years, and am fine with that. But I wonder if his reaction (girlfriend, marriage, religion, conservatism) wasn't a way to protect himself from what he once felt and so openly expressed to me as love.

    Anyway, enough about that. The point is: you're going to feel miserable, but there's nothing you did wrong. You were being human and honest. And, maybe there's a chance that your friend is grappling with this and will come to understand himself better as well. I wish I had had someone back then to tell me that, rather than having to process it on my own. But again, no regrets--it was a catalyst to a great life that I live to the fullest as a happy, well-balanced gay man.
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    Nov 13, 2012 4:56 PM GMT
    I understand you had this feelings built slowly but surely with or without your knowledge towards this straight friend of yours. Whatever happened between you two the first night of what your straight friend calls an "experiment" may be be so for him but for you it was not. Although it was surprising for him to cooperate, you went for it because it was an opportunity for you to show what you have been building about him mentally and sexually all this while. You subconsciously have started owning him. This is why it hurts you to the core.

    Never suppress a feeling and May be try talking to him on how it makes you feel since he has come closer enough to understand that it wasn't an "experiment" to you.

    take care.
    Venky
  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Nov 13, 2012 5:24 PM GMT
    I feel for you. Sorry this has happened to you. Sounds like for him, this was just the typical 'I experimented with men while in college' thing. He might be bi or gay, but he won't know it for a long while. You on the other hand are gay and very much have feelings for him. It's going to be hard for you, but I think you should move on.

    I know you're devastated. Take it one day at a time. Perhaps you can repair the friendship with him in time.. but he's not gay. That's the bottom line. Don't hang in there and get yourself more hurt.
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    Nov 13, 2012 7:11 PM GMT
    Thank you all for your opinions. They really help giving me perspectives. I honestly did not expect this many replies. All in all, I have decided to talk to him and see what happens. I'm ready to expect the worst to make the right decisions. icon_neutral.gif

    meninloveA few more perspectives wouldn't hurt either *looks around*

    Thanks again, meninlove. It's great to know other opinions beside myself.


    borgiaczarWhat would you tell me to do?

    You are right. I would just tell you to stop wasting your time and move on.


    soulman1969 why not just be honest with your friend?

    I will do just that. Thanks.

    Kumarleo83Hugs to you..

    Hugs to you too. It's kinda sad that I cannot go to 'a' best friend and vent because the only best friend around i have is him and he's the problem I'm not happy. So thanks for your hugs. I needed that. icon_cry.gif

    klobasnikYou should definitely tell him what you feel.
    I don't know how about you. But when I fell in love the first and so far the only time: my heart was beating fast anytime i was thinking about him, and anytime i saw him i was instantly happy and so on...

    Thanks! I plan to talk to him because it's been weird enough and for too long now. And you are right, i always feel happy instantly when I'm around him and after that night, he possessed the power to turn me instantly sad inside. I need to stop this. Also, whoever that guy is that makes you happy instantly. He's lucky. Just saying.

    camfer and Jockbod48Direct your erotic and/or romantic feelings toward someone else, and spend normal fun time with your friend. Pouring out your feelings to your friend will probably cause more harm than good.

    This is what I want! And god knows i tried very hard! But those pesky feelings don't go away. I might be able to get my head off course for awhile but when I catch myself thinking about him, I become sad again. It just sucks. I think I need to talk to him first like some other guys have suggested.

    TheISTRATCome out of the closet. Make gay friends. Date them instead

    I wish it is that easy. I mean I'd like to and soon. Very soon. I think about it a lot. But as of now, that wouldn't help me feel any better I don't think.

    Not_SupermanHad you come out to him before that?

    No. As far as he's concerned, we were both straight. However, I think he knows I like him a lot. I think. I don't know. This is a great point. I keep this in mind.

    DanOmaticYour post

    Reading your story makes me sad. icon_sad.gif Thanks a lot for sharing! It's good to know that I'm not alone in this situation before. Even I was luckier that my best friend didn't just tell me he's very uncomfortable... That would hurt bad.. He was cold the day afterward thou. I don't know. I feel like ignore this thing, and ignoring him altogether and hopefully it would go away. But I know i have to face it and talk to him or else I won't be able to sleep.

    VenkyJockYou subconsciously have started owning him. This is why it hurts you to the core.

    I think you are right on the spot here. I think the reason it hurt so bad is because of 'that night'. If 'that night' never happened, I was perfectly content with being just friends with him. Now I cant make my heart telling my head to just think that way anymore. icon_cry.gif I will talk to him and we will have to make decisions. Thanks.

    PR_GMRI know you're devastated. Take it one day at a time. Perhaps you can repair the friendship with him in time.. but he's not gay. That's the bottom line. Don't hang in there and get yourself more hurt.

    I think you might just be right. But in order for me to move on, I need to tell him everything. And if he does not have the same feelings, at least he knows why I cant see him anymore. Thanks for your advice.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Nov 13, 2012 7:25 PM GMT
    An awful lot of analysis here and most of it is right. But maybe you should just set it all aside and realize love hurts. We gay guys, and especially closeted gay guys, delay a lot of heartache most straight guys go through in about eigth grade. You're going to have your heart broken before you find true love. That's just part of the process. Gay and straight. In this case I'd suggest you just "man up" and pretend you're ok until you are ok. You will live and find love. It isn't easy or fast. But it is worth it. Listen to some sappy love songs. There's a reason why most pop songs are about love lost and love found.
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    Nov 13, 2012 8:49 PM GMT
    Sorry that you are going through this, man. About all I can say is that your feelings about this experience are very natural given your situation, and I think you should give yourself the space to feel them and have that be OK.

    As it relates to him, clearly he understands by now that your reaction was very different than his. It would probably help you to figure out how much time and space you may need away from him, and then have a straight up conversation with him about it and tell him why. You both deserve that at least.

    On the flip side, you BOTH had sex, so it could be that he could be a friend you can confide in about yourself. It's not like you'd be coming out to him from scratch ... and face it - if he can't deal with you being honest about who you are, he's really not going to be a friend for the long haul. (The same goes for you - you're going to have to accept this guy at face value and accept what he can offer.)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 13, 2012 10:33 PM GMT
    Keep him as your friend, and TALK about what happened with him that night. You will feel so much better. Ask him why he was experimenting. Assure him you won't tell people about it so he trusts you. .
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 13, 2012 10:35 PM GMT
    Time to start having integrity and getting on with the rest of your life. YOU CHOOSE TO MAKE YOURSELF MISERABLE. If you like that, then, keep doing what you're doing; if not, get on with your life.

    There's 7 BILLION folks in The World. Nobody gives a rat's tiny tiny behind what you jerk off to. You simply are not that important. Time to get honest with yourself. Time to make positive changes.

    YOU HAVE COMPLETE CONTROL OVER THIS.

    Start by being honest with your "friend."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 13, 2012 11:31 PM GMT
    Your feelings are as valid as his feelings. Don't curb your feelings for him when you are with him. If he does not like having a gay BF then that's his decision and his loss. Don't ever put yourself into position of curbing your behavior for another person. It's not fair to yourself or to the other person.
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    Nov 14, 2012 2:44 AM GMT
    What you need to tell him is the truth - that for you that night wasn't an experiment. I doubt it was for him either. If it was an experimentation on his part and his first time the night would in all likelihood not have been as wonderful as you say. A guy's first time is usually arkward and clumsy. But I digress.

    Tell him that you are gay, that your feelings for him are deeper than his for you, and that the "experiment" was a lapse in judgement that has left you feeling sad and empty. Tell him you need sometime to process your feelings and to discern for yourself whether you can move beyond the "experiment" and be just friends.

    I know: easier said than done.