What are the Rules for breaking up?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 13, 2012 9:16 AM GMT
    Okay, so I am going to break up with my boyfriend of seven years in about two weeks time. I recently moved to a different city for work, so I'll be doing it when I see him next.

    There have been 'indiscretions' on his part before but I have always taken him back. The last time I had warned him that it was the last chance.

    I am thinking of giving him two options: either change ours to an 'open relationship' or break up. He's always been strongly opposed to open relationships. He'll never take it.

    My question is how to break up effectively? In the past, when I have confronted him with evidence, he is quick to tell a tall story. I am left dumbfounded. I have always forgiven him as soon as the tears came.

    I suppose I don't want to lose him. I am used to having him around. I'm insecure about going back into the hunting world. After eight years I am back on online dating sites and it looks scary.

    I am too tired of the whole accusing, fighting and then crying game. Is it more easy to break up via sms or over the internet where i won't see him crying and hence won't melt?
    Do I really need to show him the current evidence?
    Do I delete him from facebook and stop all contacts etc?
    How do I deal with this ? Is there any 'remain good friends forever' way to do it?
    What are the rules for a break-up? This is going to be my first.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 13, 2012 11:14 AM GMT
    I am sorry to hear that. It must be hard especially been in a Seven year relationship. It is true that the insecure feeling comes in as we might have seen the best in the other and the fear of finding the exact best crawls in. Just a suggestion If i can make. Instead of falling for pure decisions, why can't you be at a little patience and give him another chance or probably speak to him how it makes you feel.

    I do want to help you for your love positivity but i don't know what to tell you more. Atleast i hope this might help to help you cry with all you have and then to help you think clearer.


    Sending my warm hugs to you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 13, 2012 1:48 PM GMT
    It never ceases to amaze me that the people who are against "open relationships" are the very same people who cheat. Go figure. As for the rules for breaking up, there are no rules other than those that govern civility.
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    Nov 13, 2012 1:57 PM GMT
    Sounds like you just need to be fair, since he is living an open relationship, just explain that you are planning to have an equal relationship from now on, that is, you too will be fucking other people.
    Simple.
    Next?
    Oh, and when you find a new lover, maybe you could find one who is not so sketchy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 13, 2012 2:06 PM GMT

    This,

    "Sounds like you just need to be fair, since he is living an open relationship, just explain that you are planning to have an equal relationship from now on, that is, you too will be fucking other people. "

    ...and this,

    "As for the rules for breaking up, there are no rules other than those that govern civility."


    He's operating on a double standard, not as equals.

    I went out with a few guys like that back in the old days.


    -Doug
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 13, 2012 2:09 PM GMT
    DOMINUS saidIt never ceases to amaze me that the people who are against "open relationships" are the very same people who cheat.


    Life is same for everyone. Just because someone is in the Monogamous Relationship doesn't mean everything is perfect but people who believe still believe in it as there are two sides to a coin.
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    Nov 13, 2012 3:53 PM GMT
    I am not sure how many people will bother to go through your profile, but you are in India. A different culture and environment than what we have in North America.

    That being said, I would advise against letters, SMS, etc. It should be personal, talk like adults not elementary school kids.





    Just for the argument's sake, you answered your own question. You tell him you want to change it to an open relationship, he'll never take it...you break up. Problem solved!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 13, 2012 3:54 PM GMT
    all is fair in love and war- there are no rules.

    all i can say is do whats best for you without intentionally causing anyone any harm.
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    Nov 13, 2012 5:24 PM GMT
    it sounds like you know what you wanna do. Just go with your gut and tell him straight up how you feel. You should never settle for less, ever. Your in a new city so its a good start to start new, refresh and enjoy yourself without restraints.
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    Nov 13, 2012 5:34 PM GMT
    I always think it is good to try to have a conversation about whatever the problems are - prior to a break up. Sometimes things can be improved, other times not. If, after I've tried to bring things up and improve the situation - the other guy remains unbending - I just end it. The only "rules" are to be fair and civil about it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 13, 2012 5:35 PM GMT
    catchy_screen_name saidall is fair in love and war- there are no rules.


    What is this a 90's rom com? Fuck yeah there are rules. Rules of decency, common courtesy and honesty.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 13, 2012 8:59 PM GMT
    catchy_screen_name saidall is fair in love and war- there are no rules.

    all i can say is do whats best for you without intentionally causing anyone any harm.


    So much for all is fair then. lol




    OP, sorry to hear about your relationship. But, he has not given you respect, so really, there are no rules IMO. But, do what will make you able to sleep.

    Best.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 13, 2012 9:23 PM GMT
    Breakups are hard, because the boundary between the relationship and the participants is hard to draw. Do you break up because he is bad or because the relationship is bad?

    Try to be as generous and magnanimous as you can. Show him that you care about him and always will, but that the relationship is not working for you. If you can manage, don't say why you want to break up. If he presses you, focus on "things that you did I told you didn't work for me."

    Most importantly, the abuse he is likely to heap upon you doesn't require a reply. Just ignore it and say you are sorry. In the end, the relationship is over and whatever crap he'll dig out is going to be water under the bridges.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 13, 2012 9:27 PM GMT
    Breakup rule #3: until emotionally stabilized, enter no stores. -Carrie Bradshaw.
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    Nov 13, 2012 9:40 PM GMT
    Follow the Golden Rule: One should treat others as one would like others to treat oneself.

    It's actually pretty amazing how this concept is embedded in so many diverse cultures. Check it out: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Golden_Rule
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    Nov 13, 2012 10:19 PM GMT
    You haven't said that you love him; rather, you only said that it would be easier to stay together than to break up.

    You should give him the courtesy of breaking up in person. Breaking up over email or text is disrespectful and cowardly (unless you fear that he will get violent).

    If you do want him in your life, tell him. It doesn't mean that he will want the same thing. You'd have to respect his wishes if he doesn't want you in his life. Maybe he just needs some time apart. After all, you have been thinking about breaking up for a while. He hasn't had the time to process what he wants.
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    Nov 14, 2012 2:42 AM GMT
    I had an ex who would break up with me and then beg me back over and over again. This hurt me a lot more than if he would've just been kind enough to set me free in the first place. The best rule of a breakup is to set him free and never turn back.
  • Vaughn

    Posts: 1880

    Nov 14, 2012 2:48 AM GMT
    Don't involve your mutual friends in it....... icon_cry.gif
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    Nov 14, 2012 2:51 AM GMT
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    Nov 14, 2012 3:23 AM GMT
    Vaughn saidDon't involve your mutual friends in it....... icon_cry.gif

    Exactly. That's the reason I posted here. I needed to talk to someone.icon_sad.gif

    huhwhat said[/quote]

    agree.

    [quote][cite]Macaque said[/cite]You haven't said that you love him
    I guess I thought its understood.

    fuzzywuzzy saidBreakup rule #3: until emotionally stabilized, enter no stores. -Carrie Bradshaw.

    Ha Ha Ha, that's the best advise yet. I have been thinking of buying the new iPhone since y'day.

    Not_Superman saidMy number one rule would be to wait until you've broken up to be on dating sites. Respect when you're ending a relationship will go a long way in healing.

    I was exaggerating when I said 'sites'. I made an account on one as a 'reaction' to this episode. (Also I know that he's on this site).


    AejA87 saidit sounds like you know what you wanna do.

    icon_sad.gif I want everything

    borgiaczar saidI am not sure how many people will bother to go through your profile, but you are in India. A different culture and environment than what we have in North America.

    What's love & cheating got to do with culture? Which one of the two places is more accommodating with cheating? icon_evil.gif

    smartmoney saidSounds like you just need to be fair, since he is living an open relationship, just explain that you are planning to have an equal relationship from now on, that is, you too will be fucking other people.
    Simple.
    Next?
    Oh, and when you find a new lover, maybe you could find one who is not so sketchy.

    I don't want to fuck around. I don't think I want to be in any relationship in future either. That is what prevents me from dumping him for good I think.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 14, 2012 3:43 AM GMT
    "3 Important Rules For Breaking Up"..... and a gratuitous locker-room shower scene. icon_lol.gif


  • TroyAthlete

    Posts: 4269

    Nov 14, 2012 4:08 AM GMT
    Self-care is important.
  • demasi

    Posts: 76

    Nov 15, 2012 8:47 AM GMT
    this isn't a real relationship

    real relationships are based on mutual understanding, respect and trust.
    Clearly you dont have much of that.

    Don't waste another minute of your life on someone who uses you as an emotional punching bag. Sometimes people control otheres by their emotions. Crying is like bait which reels you back in.

    Don't think you deserve better? Someone with common decency to tell you the truth.



    Break up
    Cut all ties
    keep yourself very busy for a while

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 15, 2012 8:49 AM GMT
    yourname2000 saidTake a tip from Lorena Bobbitt and cut it off quickly.



    she took a little more than the tip...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 16, 2012 12:12 AM GMT
    Not_Superman said
    cbslove said
    Not_Superman saidMy number one rule would be to wait until you've broken up to be on dating sites. Respect when you're ending a relationship will go a long way in healing.

    I was exaggerating when I said 'sites'. I made an account on one as a 'reaction' to this episode. (Also I know that he's on this site).


    I don't include RJ as a dating site. I was thinking like ManHunt or Grindr.
    And if he's on here, will he not read this?


    Ah okay okay, I read what I had written again. I should have typed 'that' i/o 'this'. My bad. Yeah he's on those 2. (I need to upgrade my phone, fuckers don't have Grindr on Blackberry. Okay yes i'm ancient ha ha ha).

    I joined RJ for workout inspiration etc. I don't consider it as a dating site either (tho' some people don't seem to understand). *This* is not his kinda place.icon_neutral.gif