Antagonistic Relationships?

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    Nov 13, 2012 7:51 PM GMT
    I was thinking this today and thinking that maybe this is my problem with relationships: I'm trying to be something I'm not. What I mean by that is that I am not a sweet casanova who can charm his way into any man's heart by calling him handsome and nice. I'm simply not. In truth, to my friends and other people, I'm pretty antagonistic. I'm sarcastic - witty and will call your mom a fatass while I plow her already gaping asshole.

    I insult and make rude jokes about people. But then give me a guy I like and I think I have to be really nice to him otherwise he won't like me. But this seems to backfire since the moment I start acting like I like a person, they back off (even if they previously said they liked me) and it's over leaving me wondering why - since all of my dates have apparently been castrated and don't have the balls to tell me.

    So tell me: do this relationships actually work? I mean, I know they work in television (EthelxFred, CCxNiles, DianexSam): two characters hurl insult after insult with each other and still they make it work. I've seen relationships that weren't all loveydovey (my parents) but none that involved one or two people who constantly bantered and could just come up with the worst things to say to each other and still maintain a loving relationship.

    Thoughts?
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    Nov 13, 2012 10:26 PM GMT
    Are you looking for a punching bag (someone to take your insults and make you feel somewhat better about yourself) or do you want someone to insult you right back? Why?
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    Nov 14, 2012 12:00 AM GMT
    Macaque saidAre you looking for a punching bag (someone to take your insults and make you feel somewhat better about yourself) or do you want someone to insult you right back? Why?

    Am I looking - I'm not looking for anyone. icon_razz.gif

    I'm certainly not talking about punching bags in relationships - thats what we can an abusive relationship.

    I know with my friends, some more then others, have the ability to throw insults back. It's why I referenced these TV shows: the characters are both witty and able to take a punch and/or counter it. I know with at least one of my good friends that we have a relationship such that we can call each other anything and when we say something that can't be countered, we give each other major props for it.

    I'm just curious to know if anyone knows any real life examples of couples who do "fight" all the time and still having a loving relationship with each other. Like one calls one a stupid fruitcake and the other will call him a ball-less slob. I think I'm just talking about banter thats considered more offensive?

    I know I personally hold people who can take a punch and deal it back with equal or greater while maintaining that teasing manner. Because it's what I do. I guess I'd look for this in someone because I'm simply not a sweet, charming guy. And apparently I can't pretend to be one either. Looks can be deceiving I know.
  • IAmTheOneWhoK...

    Posts: 154

    Nov 14, 2012 1:51 AM GMT
    I do that. The last guy I showed a lot of interest in was the same way.

    But after a while, the shit gets old. Insulting each other and constantly teasing and making fun. Although it probably just didn't work because one of us, the one who is a moron, didn't know about a little thing called moderation and balance.

    Some people are quite content with your/my style of ragging on each other. But just not every fucking conversation. And the occasional compliment or appreciation really does wonders to balance out the constant teasing. That's just how I see it.
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    Nov 14, 2012 2:32 AM GMT
    Everything in moderation - even moderation. Also, relationships are about compromise. Sorry, that's just how it is.
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    Nov 14, 2012 3:41 AM GMT
    No one said you have to be with someone. There are no rules to life that require people to become couples. That's just silly. That said, if you like to be sarcastic and caustic to other human beings, it's probably hard to be around you when not drunk. A few minutes, maybe its funny or endearing, but trust me, if you can't shut off the obnoxious, soon it's just noxious.

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    Nov 14, 2012 5:26 AM GMT
    smartmoney saidNo one said you have to be with someone. There are no rules to life that require people to become couples. That's just silly. That said, if you like to be sarcastic and caustic to other human beings, it's probably hard to be around you when not drunk. A few minutes, maybe its funny or endearing, but trust me, if you can't shut off the obnoxious, soon it's just noxious.


    I'm not sure what that first sentence was supposed to mean and how it relates.

    Oh the contrary - I never said every sentence that comes out of my mouth was a sarcastic and/or insultive. I know when to pull back most of the time. I'm just saying I'm not a sweet talker in general even when I'm not being sarcastic.
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    Nov 14, 2012 5:35 AM GMT
    I don't know anyone who enjoys being annoyed and belittled by someone they like. Maybe you need to re-evaluate your sense of humor
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    Nov 14, 2012 5:41 AM GMT
    Phoenyx saidI don't know anyone who enjoys being annoyed and belittled by someone they like. Maybe you need to re-evaluate your sense of humor

    Whose belittling? As I said, mutual exchange.
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    Nov 14, 2012 5:57 AM GMT

    Icebuckets said, "I'm just saying I'm not a sweet talker in general even when I'm not being sarcastic."

    Is it sweet talking, or is it really just expressing what you find wonderful in your man?

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    Nov 14, 2012 6:10 AM GMT
    If you and your man's idiosyncratic context is beyond the understanding of others, than so be it... Some guys are only able to insult their friends and love each other for it. But don't expect that every boy next door type will get this coming from you without being in the know about it all...
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    Nov 14, 2012 9:49 AM GMT
    depends on how ya doing it.

    Personally I'm never overly nice to guys, ribbing them is kinda my way of showing them I like'em. If I'm just being downright insulting to you well run away haha.

    the other day, I told a guy "Your almost perfect. You can cook, your alright in bed just a shame about this food thing you got"

    He has food allergies and they don't bother me in the slightest he eats a really healthy diet and when we are out together it influences me to eat even healthier too so I'm like eh.. it's all good.

    His response was "Just alright?"

    it's just the way I work things. But I'm also free with the good compliments too and I'm sincere about them. It's a fine balance and they should be random, appropriate and gentle and even while they are attempting to come off as a sarcastic comment you can still put a compliment under that.
  • jordon21

    Posts: 43

    Nov 14, 2012 11:40 AM GMT
    I know exactly what you're talking about. I've got a best friend that I do that too all the time. 80% of our chats consist of friendly insults, and jokes. We are really close pals, and its taken a few years for us to get to that stage where no matter what we say to each other, we will always be best friends. But my boyfriend would never be able to handle the same thing, because he's just not built in that way. My best guess is that even though you can't change your nature or who you are, you have to be sensitive to what kind of person you partner is, and learn to vary your sarcastic talk to different degrees, depending on who you're with. Me, I use full force on my best friend icon_smile.gif and there's never a 5 min moment when we're not laughing because it's funny. Being multidimensional doesn't mean I'm not being myself, it just means I'm multidimensional.
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    Nov 14, 2012 11:54 AM GMT
    The OP wouldn't wanna date me. I have professional insult training via the US armed forces.

    Nobody can throw/receive insults like a vet. icon_cool.gif
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    Nov 14, 2012 12:03 PM GMT
    I think it's always best to follow the new golden rule, "Don't treat others the way you want to be treated, treat them the way they need to be treated." I might appreciate trading friendly insults, but that doesn't mean the guy I'm with will, so I will adjust my behavior. That doesn't mean I'm being fake. It means I respect him enough to try. In turn, he won't take it as harshly if I happen to throw out some sarcastic comments.
  • DanOmatic

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    Nov 14, 2012 12:17 PM GMT
    I find this an odd post, OP. I can't tell if what you really mean is that you want to find someone with a lively, witty sense of humor, or if you're looking for someone with whom to have a relationship ala "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf"?

    You're correct that you should never pretend you're something you're not (in this case, being 'overly sweet'), but to be honest, from my interpretation of your post, what you describe would be a real turn off for most guys, and would probably be corrosive over time.

    There's a difference between humor and insults (no matter how 'lovingly' meant), and if hurling insults at each other is your version of relationship bliss, I think you may need to contemplate whether you've internalized some hatred of yourself or some dysfunction you observed in your parents' relationship that you're compelled to imitate.
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    Nov 14, 2012 3:35 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    Icebuckets said, "I'm just saying I'm not a sweet talker in general even when I'm not being sarcastic."

    Is it sweet talking, or is it really just expressing what you find wonderful in your man?


    Both really. For instance, the moment I call a guy who is showing interest in me good looking or handsome, there is an immediate backpedal on his part. I've never really gotten far enough with anyone to call someone "my man" or really be able to express what part of them I like other then them being sweet to me. Moment I show mutual interest, game over. I think when I try to replicate them, since I really like it, it just comes out forced. It's true what I'm saying but it doesn't pass on very well.

    DanOmatic saidI find this an odd post, OP. I can't tell if what you really mean is that you want to find someone with a lively, witty sense of humor, or if you're looking for someone with whom to have a relationship ala "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf"?

    You're correct that you should never pretend you're something you're not (in this case, being 'overly sweet'), but to be honest, from my interpretation of your post, what you describe would be a real turn off for most guys, and would probably be corrosive over time.

    There's a difference between humor and insults (no matter how 'lovingly' meant), and if hurling insults at each other is your version of relationship bliss, I think you may need to contemplate whether you've internalized some hatred of yourself or some dysfunction you observed in your parents' relationship that you're compelled to imitate.

    Oh dear God - no Virginia Woolf. I'm talking witty sense of humor. Someone who can think on their toes.

    icon_eek.gif My parents relationship certainly isn't like that. While not lovey dovey, neither one of them has verbally sparred in the way I'm talking about. I think you're thinking too deeply into my psyche.
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    Nov 14, 2012 3:38 PM GMT
    Macaque saidAre you looking for a punching bag (someone to take your insults and make you feel somewhat better about yourself) or do you want someone to insult you right back? Why?
    icon_idea.gificon_biggrin.gif
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    Nov 14, 2012 3:43 PM GMT
    forever alone icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 14, 2012 5:46 PM GMT
    This can backfire, as we all have insecurities.

    When they start throwing back insults at you that hit the nerve, you are in for a rough time.
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    Nov 14, 2012 11:40 PM GMT
    Firstly all televisions are making money and they can do it better if they can spice up the characters in the soap opera.

    What could be the purpose of insulting someone?

    To make someone look smaller or to make them feel worthless.
    To make them feel bad.
    To prove someone's dominance and be a supremo

    I can come up with three but I guess they almost answer the major purpose of insulting.

    Respect is what is a major ingredient for a Relationship and then comes love, passion, interest, being friendly(this order might change for different people)

    Even for people who are ok with your insults initially may not bother to tell you but this might just not be good over a period of time.