Dating and grindr

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 14, 2012 6:07 AM GMT
    Do most guys continue to search the dating sites for "friends" when they first start seeing someone? I thought I was on a movie date a couple weeks ago until I saw my "date" close grindr. I didn't think much of it until our fourth hangout when he showed me some gross guy close by on the app. I'm new to dating guys so maybe this is just how gay dating works. Is this behavior the norm early on when dating? I'm pretty sure I've been friend-zoned and didn't even know it lol
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    Nov 14, 2012 2:51 PM GMT
    I think everyone has their own level of comfort with it. For me, a guy cheated on me several times. I call it cheating because he was jerking off on cam with guys he met on grindr. So if a guy has it while we're talking, I'm just usually turned off to that guy to begin with. But I know a lot of guys who are not phased by it at all while they're even in the relationship.
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    Nov 14, 2012 3:03 PM GMT
    You're dating and therefore not exclusive. Him using his phone on a date was just rude in general.

    However, the fact that he shared with you this gross guy on Grindr indicates that he doesn't think anything of it himself and he probably isn't doing anything that would be upsetting. Fact is, contrary to what people say, there are a select number of people who use Grindr for chatting. Just like we use this site for chatting. I know when I had it, it was entertaining to see gross guys and the things they say to get you to have sex with them:

    "Do you have hairy legs?"

    "I want you to splotch on my face."
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    Nov 14, 2012 3:03 PM GMT
    My bf of 8 months used to go on it during our first 2 months of dating. It wasn't until we got more serious that I got cut at him for being on it the same time we were kicking it. He justified that he only went to talk to a few mates that were regularly on and I took his word for it. He deleted the app on his own accord though cause he knew it made me feel uncomfortable. But yeah overall we were pretty casual about the situation and a few weeks later we became official haha
    So IMO, if I were you, I'd let it slide until you get more serious. But if it gets to you, it can't hurt to casually ask him why he still goes on it.
  • in_this_corne...

    Posts: 704

    Nov 14, 2012 3:12 PM GMT
    In my opinion, Grindr shouldn't have a place on a date. But if you're just dating, then you're also not in a position to dictate what apps he uses. Ultimately his feelings for you will influence his actions. Does it have a place in a new relationship? I don't think so. Does it later on in a longer term relationship? Possibly, depending on the two guys involved. But that's a big depending...

    I've seen things like Grindr destroy relationships more than I've seen it enhance them. Though I have to say I have seen it work. So it's really up to the individuals involved. Communication is key.

    It can lead to jealousy and hypocrisy. Jealousy is ugly and can be a cancer in a relationship. While an established relationship can work through jealousy, a new relationship, especially, doesn't stand a chance against it. It also opens the door to hypocrisy. And while nobody wants to outright be a hypocrite, jealousy is rocket fuel to act in ways you normally wouldn't. So...proceed with caution. I think your friend zone feeling is accurate, even though your friend may not outright say that's the case at the moment.
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    Nov 14, 2012 4:38 PM GMT
    Always wondering if something nearby is better....
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    Nov 14, 2012 4:50 PM GMT
    If you haven't agreed to be monogamous, you should assume that he's going on dates with other guys; however, I think it's perfectly acceptable for you to ask him to keep that to himself.

    For me, I just don't want to know if a guy I'm going on dates with is on grindr or can't see me because he has a date with someone else. I'd prefer him to be honest ("Sorry, I have other plans that night. How about Saturday night?") but I don't need the details ("Can't see you Friday, I'm going on a date with Dave.").

    Next time he takes out grindr, I'd just say something to him like: "Hey, I have no problems with you being on grindr, but I don't want to know about it."
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    Nov 14, 2012 7:01 PM GMT
    Well I definitely think it's rude to be on your phone when on a date or hanging with someone especially in a public setting.

    As far as grindr and any other gay app goes I guess it depends on how serious your relationships is. He obviously isn't trying to hide anything so I don't think the situation is major. If it does bother you then express how you feel because he probably doesn't know.
  • Felony84

    Posts: 40

    Nov 14, 2012 7:15 PM GMT
    Grindr is a sex app. Even if guys are pretending to be on there for friends first. They're only interested in the way you look and to see if you're fuckable even as friends. It always ends up turning into sex eventually. If you're just dating it is a little strange he's still playing on it. When I'm interested in someone I don't have an urge to jump on apps like that or even look around. I'm satisfied with what I have. I'm sure there are some that still need that open or crutch to hop on. And its likely he's not doing anything scandalous with it, but just chatting. I'd see how it plays out with him since you're only in the beginning stages of dating. Too soon to be setting boundaries. It does bother you though or you wouldn't have posted on a web forum. It has to do with self control in the end. If he's unable to function through a week without logging in, then he's got an addiction that may or may not be a problem later on down the line. If I was on a date with a guy and he's logging onto Grindr with me, then for me personally that's not the kind of guy I'm looking to date. It may be for other guys and that's fine. Decide what you're comfortable and willing to accept now or move on.
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    Nov 14, 2012 7:23 PM GMT
    Gay America can be a lonely place. GPS apps (pick your flavor) allow you to find someone with nearby proximity and do whatever. What a person does with the app; their intentions, are an individual thing.

    You can meet "friends" on Grindr, but, it yeilds itself best to "I want a dick in my ass now" scenarios.

    Whatever the case, if you are dating someone that doesn't give you exclusivity to their time and attention. Doing so "smothers" that person and it's a sure fire way to drive them away from you. You have to be secure in your relationship, or lack thereof. You can only control what YOU do, and not the other person.

    Emotions like jealousy will destruct a relationship el pronto.

    Most guys gays are visual, and things like Grindr really lend themselves well to all that.

    Paying more attention to texting, an app, etc., however, when you're in a one on one scenario is socially clueless, rude, insensitive, and the sort of person who probably doesn't warrant your undivided attention, either. I.e., if that person has an interest in you, and you're compelling / interesting, it should naturally happen that you get their attention when you're together. That's doesn't mean hours upon end (folks get used to each other and affection can be unstated).
  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Nov 14, 2012 7:58 PM GMT
    You may have been friend-zoned. The main reason to use Grindr is for hookups or more dates. Regardless of what he may see, he's still 'on the prowl'. I would take a step back from the person and start seeing others.
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    Nov 14, 2012 8:08 PM GMT
    For a Gay American cultural perspective: Accessing Grindr while on a date = tacky behavior.
  • Medjai

    Posts: 2671

    Nov 14, 2012 8:11 PM GMT
    PR_GMR saidYou may have been friend-zoned. The main reason to use Grindr is for hookups or more dates. Regardless of what he may see, he's still 'on the prowl'. I would take a step back from the person and start seeing others.


    You can't know that. I know many people who genuinely use it to just chat or keep in touch. It is not always, by a large margin, a hookup app or an indication that he isn't interested.
  • barriehomeboy

    Posts: 2475

    Nov 15, 2012 2:12 AM GMT
    Yeah really. If you're picking up guys from a random sex dating site, you need to lower your expectations. Am I on Grindr? Hell yeah! I'm as crazy as you. I'm looking for love wherever I can find it even if it doesn't make sense.
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    Nov 15, 2012 2:16 AM GMT
    webslinga saidFor a Gay American cultural perspective: Accessing Grindr while on a date = tacky behavior.


    Totally agree. A guy did that with me on a first date a while back. Needless to say the date ended pretty quickly. Just very rude and tacky IMO
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    Nov 15, 2012 2:17 AM GMT
    I remember (and still do) a time when it was considered customary to turn off your phone when meeting with someone.

    It tells them that you have their undivided attention...
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    Nov 15, 2012 2:36 AM GMT
    Chainers saidI remember (and still do) a time when it was considered customary to turn off your phone when meeting with someone.

    It tells them that you have their undivided attention...



    PHEW! It's not just me.... I broke up with my bf this summer primarily over this issue. He honestly could not understand why I found it rude that he would constantly be on his phone whilst we were out, yet, funnily enough, he didn't once do it when we were dating and he was trying to make a good impression.

    It might be an age thing... he was 10 years younger than me. I could easily turn a blind eye to important / family / work stuff but constantly needing to update Facebook to get attention from his 'friends' was a bit desperate.
  • Medjai

    Posts: 2671

    Nov 15, 2012 2:40 AM GMT
    Am I the only one here not narcissistic enough to think that my mere presence is enough reason to demand undivided attention?
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    Nov 15, 2012 2:45 AM GMT
    Medjai saidAm I the only one here not narcissistic enough to think that my mere presence is enough reason to demand undivided attention?

    In the company of others, whether they be friends/family, it is considered impolite to be using your phone. Typically, this when you're eating but when it isn't and lets just say it's two guys on a date taking a stroll through the park.

    If one guy is on his phone talking to someone else, he really isn't there. Whats the point of this walk if the point was to spend time together?
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4865

    Nov 15, 2012 2:49 AM GMT
    webslinga saidFor a Gay American cultural perspective: Accessing Grindr while on a date = tacky behavior.


    Exactly. Moreover, if I were on a date and the guy kept using his cell phone or other communication device, except in case of emergency, I'd be tempted to terminate the date. It would be similar to dating someone who is reading a book all during the date.

    There are such things as common courtesy and consideration. It seems that many people have no manners.
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    Nov 15, 2012 2:51 AM GMT
    Medjai saidAm I the only one here not narcissistic enough to think that my mere presence is enough reason to demand undivided attention?


    In a date situation, I think it should. Nothing to do with narcissism. And I have no problem if someone needs to take an important call, text a friend quickly, fine. But cruising on Grindr, "chatting" away about unimportant stuf? Hell no, I vlaue myself a little more than that. That person is teling you they have something more interesting to do than enjoy your company.
  • Medjai

    Posts: 2671

    Nov 15, 2012 2:52 AM GMT
    FitSportsman said
    Medjai saidAm I the only one here not narcissistic enough to think that my mere presence is enough reason to demand undivided attention?


    In a date situation, I think it should. Nothing to do with narcissism. And I have no problem if someone needs to take an important call, text a friend quickly, fine. But cruising on Grindr, "chatting" away about unimportant stuf? Hell no, I vlaue myself a little more than that. That person is teling you they have something more interesting to do than enjoy your company.


    Who said anything about a date? People were complaining about just hanging out with guys when Grindr comes out. Unless every time you see someone is a date... Guess I'd better let my boyfriend know..l
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4865

    Nov 15, 2012 2:54 AM GMT
    Chainers saidI remember (and still do) a time when it was considered customary to turn off your phone when meeting with someone.

    It tells them that you have their undivided attention...


    Absolutely right, even if it's not a date. I couldn't imagine my being continually on the 'phone or reading a book when someone came to my house for a visit. Even having the TV on would be inappropriate unless the purpose of the visit were to watch a particular TV program and discuss it later.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 15, 2012 2:59 AM GMT
    Chainers saidI remember (and still do) a time when it was considered customary to turn off your phone when meeting with someone.

    It tells them that you have their undivided attention...
    I remember a time when being an ambitiously self-employed person means that you need to have your phone on in order to continue to pay your bills, regardless of your current company. icon_wink.gif
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    Nov 15, 2012 3:51 AM GMT
    I'm very thankful for all of the positive and thoughtful comments! Outstanding. I should mention that he did just move from San Diego to my tiny town this summer, so he's still in shock by how dismal the crowd is in southern Oregon. His grindr profile does say, "usually just looking around" Which I'm now taking to literally mean, hey sweet there ARE gays around me, I'm not alone.
    Instead of I'm prowling around.
    I'll stay cautious though and update if things change