NEED ADVICE on what to do with my BF To incriminate myself or not...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 18, 2012 10:03 PM GMT
    I will try and keep this quick

    But first some quick back ground
    ***
    1) I am very old fashion when it comes to relationships and my BF knows this

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for 1 year, we are very happy and never really fight or anything. I could see myself being with him for the LONG run.

    2) A little while back i was using by boyfriends iPad and FB was open and I saw a conversation between him and a friend (I say friend but I have no idea how he even knows this boy).
    The conversation was what I would consider to be very inappropriate. They where talking about their sex lives with their boy friends. Asking if they where tops or bottoms etc etc And at one point by BF even told the guy "an ass like yours deserves to be rimmed"

    I later saw that he had deleted the whole convo with this boy.


    Even though this REALLY bothered me I never said anything. I think this kinda stuff is very private and should be kept that way.

    ***
    Lately I have seen my BF texting someone in his phone simply under then name "J" (idk if it is a boy or girl)
    Whenever he is texting this person he always hides his screen.

    I have gone through his phone a few times and the convo with "J" is ALWAYS deleted.

    I know it is a violation of his trust but between the ipad, him hiding the screen and him deleting the conversations I had to try and see what they where talking about. If you have nothing to hide why always delete the convo?


    So here is my question. Do I say something to him and incriminate myself and let him know I went through his phone?

    I think that without trust, a relationship is not worth having, and right now Im having a hard time trusting him.

    I NEED ADVICE! What would you do?



    icon_cry.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 18, 2012 10:08 PM GMT
    Can you say that you see him texting with J but always hides the screen from you and it makes you uncomfortable as to what's going on? Can you say that and not incriminate yourself?
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    Nov 18, 2012 10:26 PM GMT
    If you caught him hiding the screen and deleting messages then he is the one that VIOLATED YOUR TRUST first. So it shouldn't matter how you found out. Just be ready for him to try and use his phone privacy as an arguing point to cloud the real issue (who the fuck are you talking to and why are you so sneaky about it)....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 18, 2012 10:28 PM GMT
    Truthfully he has incriminated himself!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 18, 2012 11:53 PM GMT
    Yea i guess i could but at the same time i dont want to lie. Would rather be honest, because thats what i would want from him.



    Yea I guess what your saying is correct but Im just nervous because I dont even have any hard evidence that he was doing anything wrong.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 19, 2012 12:07 AM GMT
    Next time you see him hiding it from you, cozy up to him and ask what he's doing.
    People don't go around hiding things when they're not ashamed of doing it.

    It seems shady, but not necessarily that he's doing anything wrong.
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    Nov 19, 2012 12:07 AM GMT
    The hard evidence is that your questioning your relationship and feeling uncomfortable for his actions. You could either do nothing or just flat out ask him about his suspicious activity .....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 19, 2012 12:27 AM GMT
    Like you already said, Trust is very important, but it's based upon communication. Have you ever asked him directly who "J" is?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 19, 2012 12:38 AM GMT
    I'd hate to say it but the fact he said that about a guys ass on FB... Unless you want an open relationship this isn't going to be something that lasts. Just ask yourself what mindset you'd need to be doing what he's doing. Prude or not you deserve better. This makes me want to stay single - once a guy has a bf they eventually get bored and want something more... Jerk!
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    Nov 19, 2012 12:58 AM GMT
    Zemy saidLike you already said, Trust is very important, but it's based upon communication. Have you ever asked him directly who "J" is?


    i agree!

    Just tell him you see him texing j all the time and want to know who j is... your not being nosy your just taking an interest in his life
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 19, 2012 12:58 AM GMT
    No I haven't asked him. I only noticed the J texts about 1 week ago. Maybe a bit more.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 19, 2012 2:27 AM GMT
    You don't trust him anymore, so the relationship is already in a downfall... I would talk to him about it...
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    Nov 19, 2012 2:31 AM GMT
    agreed
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Nov 19, 2012 2:33 AM GMT
    if you have to resort to breaking someone's trust to know if you want to be in a relationship with someone as opposed to just having a conversation like a normal person would, then the relationship should end anyways.
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    Nov 19, 2012 2:40 AM GMT
    Words of Wisdom...
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    Nov 19, 2012 2:55 AM GMT
    tresni2800 said
    I have gone through his phone a few times and the convo with "J" is ALWAYS deleted.


    Outlook is cloudy... He has to actively delete these convo's each time - shows intent Also says he doesn't really trust too well himself. He is deleting convo's from HIS phone. It means he is nervous that someone will come along and find out something he is trying to hide. Got to be a short list of people with access to his phone to begin with and I would imagine you are at the top of that list.

    Not enough to incriminate, but definitely enough to make a man suspicious. Which you are...

    Up to you... ignorance is bliss but you no longer have that option as this is clearly gnawing at you. So you can either pretend everything is fine and move on or have the confrontation you seem to want to avoid.

    Without any hard evidence, he will deny, deny, deny, so it will be up to you if you believe him or not.

    Good luck, bud!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 19, 2012 3:09 AM GMT
    calibro saidif you have to resort to breaking someone's trust to know if you want to be in a relationship with someone as opposed to just having a conversation like a normal person would, then the relationship should end anyways.


    Sometimes people have a gut feeling, and a guy who cheats can lie to your face while looking you in the eyes. Also when you're in love like the OP said, he thinks this could be the one, you are willing to live in denial and stay in an unhealthy relationship. Sometimes you just need cold hard evidence to end it without regrets. It's a hard pill to swallow - I dealt with something similar 2 years ago.
  • whytehot

    Posts: 1167

    Nov 19, 2012 3:25 AM GMT
    calibro saidif you have to resort to breaking someone's trust to know if you want to be in a relationship with someone as opposed to just having a conversation like a normal person would, then the relationship should end anyways.


    I had a friend who's ex boyfriend had been cheating on him. My friend just had a feeling so he asked him point blank, which the boyfriend denied. Still not satisfied, he then snooped through the guy's phone and found out he was hooking up with 2 DIFFERENT guys. The boyfriend is so morally corrupt that he actually blamed my friend for "breaking his trust". Sounds like you're that type of guy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 19, 2012 3:42 AM GMT
    Thank you guys, all of you. Y'all have shed light on my predicament, and have helped a lot. Thanks again
  • mybud

    Posts: 11836

    Nov 19, 2012 3:45 AM GMT
    If you consider flirting as cheatin...turn in yo gay membership card NOW...If you confess you looked through his phone he'll dump ya ...Trust...Grow a thicker skin and keep your mouth shut...my 2 cents
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 19, 2012 3:59 AM GMT
    mybud saidIf you consider flirting as cheatin...turn in yo gay membership card NOW...If you confess you looked through his phone he'll dump ya ...Trust...Grow a thicker skin and keep your mouth shut...my 2 cents


    Guess I should turn in my card then... and happily if you are the standard for gayness. Telling a guy not my boyfriend "an ass like yours deserves to be rimmed" is NOT the kind of person, let alone gay, I want to be...
  • mybud

    Posts: 11836

    Nov 19, 2012 4:04 AM GMT
    Apex0111 said
    mybud saidIf you consider flirting as cheatin...turn in yo gay membership card NOW...If you confess you looked through his phone he'll dump ya ...Trust...Grow a thicker skin and keep your mouth shut...my 2 cents


    Guess I should turn in my card then... and happily if you are the standard for gayness. Telling a guy not my boyfriend "an ass like yours deserves to be rimmed" is NOT the kind of person, let alone gay, I want to be...
    Shoot me an email if you need the address to turn in said membership....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 19, 2012 4:13 AM GMT
    Apex0111 said
    mybud saidIf you consider flirting as cheatin...turn in yo gay membership card NOW...If you confess you looked through his phone he'll dump ya ...Trust...Grow a thicker skin and keep your mouth shut...my 2 cents


    Guess I should turn in my card then... and happily if you are the standard for gayness. Telling a guy not my boyfriend "an ass like yours deserves to be rimmed" is NOT the kind of person, let alone gay, I want to be...


    100% agreed. That's not my idea of a monogamous relationship either.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 19, 2012 4:17 AM GMT
    mybud said
    Apex0111 said
    mybud saidIf you consider flirting as cheatin...turn in yo gay membership card NOW...If you confess you looked through his phone he'll dump ya ...Trust...Grow a thicker skin and keep your mouth shut...my 2 cents


    Guess I should turn in my card then... and happily if you are the standard for gayness. Telling a guy not my boyfriend "an ass like yours deserves to be rimmed" is NOT the kind of person, let alone gay, I want to be...
    Shoot me an email if you need the address to turn in said membership....


    Nah, Gonna hold on to it. Going through a few DBs helps you appreciate the real deal even more when you have it.
  • onefortified

    Posts: 1630

    Nov 19, 2012 4:26 AM GMT
    You need to confront him about it. All of this sounds very shady. You have reason to not trust him based on what you have told us.