Unhappy

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 19, 2012 6:14 AM GMT
    Don't really have anyone to discuss this with, so I'm bringing it here for some RJ input.

    My partner is an amazing guy. He's hot, well established in life and is really a blast to be around. In the eye of my friends and family we are perfect together. Most of the time they're correct.

    Recently however, he has turned into quite the pessimist. Even the slightest "bump" in the road can set him off. What's worse is I don't understand what is causing his outbursts. I have a tendancy to internalise, but reguardless of the cause it is severely affecting my attitude.

    I have seen plenty of advice on here to communicate relationship trouble with your partner. So I took that to heart and brought up the issues I've been having. I let him know how his behavior was making me feel. For a while it worked, but now he's become even worse than before.

    He is having some difficulties at his place of work. But, this isn't a new development. It was there long before his change of behavior.

    I guess all I'm interested in is some feedback? I've never handled tension well with other people and I really don't know what to do?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 19, 2012 6:36 AM GMT
    Sounds like you are at a crossroads. You are going to have to axe yourself if being with this man is really something you want to do. When you think about your future, is he in it???


    Not to bum you out or anything, but I noticed a big attitude change in my ex around the last 6 months of our relationship. Turns out he was cheating. Not saying your man is cheating, I could be all wrong. That was just the case for me, so take it with a grain of salt....icon_neutral.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 19, 2012 2:49 PM GMT
    KaiserJohn saidDon't really have anyone to discuss this with, so I'm bringing it here for some RJ input.

    My partner is an amazing guy. He's hot, well established in life and is really a blast to be around. In the eye of my friends and family we are perfect together. Most of the time they're correct.

    Recently however, he has turned into quite the pessimist. Even the slightest "bump" in the road can set him off. What's worse is I don't understand what is causing his outbursts. I have a tendancy to internalise, but reguardless of the cause it is severely affecting my attitude.

    I have seen plenty of advice on here to communicate relationship trouble with your partner. So I took that to heart and brought up the issues I've been having. I let him know how his behavior was making me feel. For a while it worked, but now he's become even worse than before.

    He is having some difficulties at his place of work. But, this isn't a new development. It was there long before his change of behavior.

    I guess all I'm interested in is some feedback? I've never handled tension well with other people and I really don't know what to do?


    Honestly, after reading the first two paragraphs my initial reaction was that its work related. Even if its been going on for ages at the office i still think its work/stress related. All the men in my family have the exact same challenge every now and then. Talking to us doesn't help, only time does. It's typical personality type 8 going into an unhealthy state.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 19, 2012 3:28 PM GMT
    Relationships are full of ups and downs and we can't always be on a high. There are many things that cause stress to creep into our lives. I think you're doing the right thing by trying to open communications. Be patient and loving. Continue to show him how much you care. Try to talk to him during his good times and not when he's upset. Something is bothering him but he's the one that will need to share it. Whether it's work, you, his own self feelings, the relationship, whatever, he will need to bring it to the table. You can only be supportive in letting him know you're there when he's ready and then don't be judgmental regardless of what it is. Be open and honest and work on the issues together. Good luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 19, 2012 3:33 PM GMT
    Pessimism is often an indicator of anxiety. Could be work related, fear of you leaving him, fear of failing at something.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 19, 2012 3:38 PM GMT
    Clinical deperssion...it can strike without warning, and without previous episodes.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 19, 2012 3:42 PM GMT
    The advice above seem reasonable.

    Let me offer you some additional thoughts to be taken with a grain of salt.

    I'm not sure how long you've been together but it may be that he is now more comfortable with you and he is not afraid of showing you the real him.

    I've been with my partner for about 1 year and a half now and there are some things about his personality that he was hiding from me at the start of our relationship (nothing deal breaking, but it was difficult for me to swallow in order to keep going). Your bf might just be a pessimistic person and that's something you'll come to ignore/accept if you want to keep going in the relationship.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 19, 2012 4:55 PM GMT
    I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It definitely sounds like it's been putting you through a lot of stress.

    Optimism/pessimism isn't necessarily a trait that we are born with. The way we view and judge events around us rely on what we have experienced thus far; for people who have been rewarded more times than not for hoping and giving benefit of the doubt will be more optimistic than others.

    I realized from the years I've spent in Toronto how significantly people can change when their lives are turned upside down. Before I moved to Toronto, I was daring; I was a believer; I was an opportunist; and I was optimistic. Over the years of living there, however, I experienced a lot of things that were out of my control and were harmful to my life and wellbeing. There were many times where I hoped and believed things would get better, only to be hit with another hurtful event. Later on, I became more careful and pessimistic, and rarely opened my heart to anything.

    From what you've said, it sounds like your boyfriend has had a tough time at work for quite a while now. Sure, he may have been able to shrug those difficult times at work then. But that does not mean that every time those challenges at work came about him, it wore down a small part of him as well. One can only be under strenuous stress for so long. Just as one who carries a lot of weight on his back grows more fragile everyday, so does one's mind that has experienced pain for a very long time.

    People often underestimate the significance of stress one gets from work. It's easy to believe that those who are stressed from work can easily sort it out afterwards, by working out, doing things they like on the weekends, etc. Unfortunately, it is never that easy. The truth is, work often occupies more than one third of our days. We don't even get one third of our day to sort out our stress anymore, because there are things that must be done throughout the day such as chores, eating, commuting - these are all huge time consumers! So it's only natural that the stress people get from work accumulate over time, as they don't have enough time in their days to work them out.

    I find that the most efficient way to release the tension from previous stressful factors is to talk about them. Often, men have trouble doing this; whether it's their pride or selflessness, who knows. But if you continue to encourage your boyfriend to talk to you about it in a caring manner rather than demanding, he'll soon learn to rely on you to communicate with you his bad experiences and release some of his steam that way.

    I read it on a book/magazine once this interesting concept that made a lot of sense to me. To get what you want from someone first, you need to be able to get that person to where he wants to be; after that, he's all yours. I understand that he's been troublesome enough to start to affect your personality as well. With that said, you should try not to make this all about you; embrace the bigger picture, then focus on his needs before yours.

    Well, I hope that has helped. Take care now.

    Steven
  • Kriss

    Posts: 690

    Nov 20, 2012 6:05 AM GMT
    I've had some of the same situational things happen but it was more of work, school, and personal things colliding all at once. perhaps he doesnt want to talk to you b/c you are someone he cares about and the last thing he wants is for you to be worrying about whats wrong with him.

    That is somewhat sort of my problem and this is embarrassing to admit but it wasn't till one of my closer guy friends almost punched me in the face for not telling him whats going on that I actually tried speaking about it. I'm not saying punch him in the face now but continue to be there for him and maybe even suggest just going and talking to someone.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 20, 2012 6:11 AM GMT
    Maybe he is bi-Polar?
  • cavecanem10

    Posts: 70

    Nov 21, 2012 1:56 AM GMT
    If I didn't know that my guy wasn't on RJ, I'd think he were writing about me! icon_eek.gif

    I've had recent similar episodes, where I've blown up about different issues I've had and taken them to the extreme. I think for me, I was looking for full, complete affirmation of our relationship in terms of trust and loyalty, even though I know that I've already got those things from him. I extended the guilt tripping and emotions, and I did escalate to that level way too quick.

    I guess I was somewhat stressed out from work during this time, but this is my first real relationship and maybe subconsciously, I was just wanting to hear him say he was in this for the long run, etc. etc. My deepest, darkest fear is cheating, so these outbursts might have been the need to hear it again.

    Fortunately, my guy is really calm and understands. I think communication has been key to keeping us on the same page. Honesty and frankness are necessary as well so you know exactly how the other is thinking and you're comfortable enough with each other to be open.

    I'd keep the communication open with your dude, but try and identify the true root cause, maybe he's a little unconfident and looking for that confirmation of you and your relationship.
  • Nico3687

    Posts: 108

    Nov 21, 2012 2:05 AM GMT

    Depends on how long this has been going on. I'd ride it out and stay optimistic, positive, and pleasant... it's infectious. Do fun things