How do I tell him? Should I just tell him?

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    Nov 20, 2012 1:38 PM GMT
    Wassup guys...

    First I wanna apologize in advance for my sappiness but this has been on my mind and heart for a while and I wanted to see if ya'll had any advice.

    And I apologize again cause you might have to do some reading as I like to talk/type but here is the story and situation...

    I have a very good guy friend who's gay and whom I consider to be one of my best friends. I've known him for over 10yrs. We've practically done a lot together but nothing sexual. I've always been there for him as he has been there for me. When I first met him... I thought it was love at first sight but I knew better cause it was my other head doing the thinking... lol... so I decided just to get to know him and we've been friends ever since. He's always been in a lot of short term relationships and I've always been there for the break up... support wise of course. For the past couple years I've began to have these feelings for him to the point where I know I am in love with him. Well this last recent break up of his... he was really tormented. So I did what any best friend would do, paid and got us on a plane to Hawaii for a relaxing week and for him to clear his mind. We've done a lot of deep talking. He kept saying things like... why can't he find guys that will love him or why do all the guys he date seem to say he's not their type. All the while I've been thinking to myself...'You're beautiful, I'm in love you but I think I'm outta your league'. The night before we left Hawaii we went and had great night out and done some drinking. Back at the hotel he was being very touchy feely and we started to make out. Well he started to undress me but I came back reality and stopped him. In as much as I wanted this to happen... I couldn't. For one... we're both drunk and not in a clear state of mind, and secondly I didn't wanna take advantage of him cause I really do have feelings for him and don't wanna ruin our relationship cause of sex. It was awkward for a bit, but we somehow came to our senses and we both apologized, hugged it out and opted to snuggle, with clothes on of course, and fell asleep. It could be in my head but I thought I faintly heard him say that I was a very good friend and hopes he doesn't lose me.

    And the questions...

    Please bear in mind that I've never been in a real relationship where my heart did all the thinking. How do I tell him that I wanna be with him... more than friends. Should I've said it then and there even though we both kinda been drinking? Should I just tell him? I don't want to lose him or ruin our relationship which by the way is still good and alive. Does sex really change everything?

    LOL... I think I might have answered some of my own questions thinking aloud.icon_lol.gif I should think aloud more often. But I still wanna hear what ya'll think.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 20, 2012 1:45 PM GMT

    I think romantic feelings usually make a friendship awkward rather than just sex.

    What is this guy like when he falls for someone? Does he go charging after them?

    intrigued,

    -Doug
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    Nov 20, 2012 2:12 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    I think romantic feelings usually make a friendship awkward rather than just sex.

    What is this guy like when he falls for someone? Does he go charging after them?

    intrigued,

    -Doug


    Hey Doug...

    I see your point on the romantic feelings. As far as how he is like when he falls for someone... well when I first knew him.. he was like a giddy school girl... but now he is more reserved and usually asks me a lot of relationship questions on what he should do or whatnot. Its kinda funny how I am the guy who gives relationship advice but never been in a real relationship myself... lol... all advice based on all the relationships of my friends who also comes to me for advice... kinda sucks if you ask me cause I wanna feel some of the good relationships... lol. Anyways, that's how I know that he's fallen for someone. The other things is that I notice he changes to accommodate the one he's fallen for.
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    Nov 20, 2012 2:23 PM GMT


    ...OK, then I think you might consider that if he felt that way about you he wouldn't hesitate and would behave towards you as he usually behaves towards men he's smitten with.

    Is this making sense so far?
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    Nov 20, 2012 2:32 PM GMT
    meninlove said

    ...OK, then I think you might consider that if he felt that way about you he wouldn't hesitate and would behave towards you as he usually behaves towards men he's smitten with.

    Is this making sense so far?


    YES!!!... it does make sense. Dang it... now that I think about it.... I think I've seen a little change in him and some hints. But could that just be in my head? And what kinda freakin sucks right now is that I can't really purse it further cause I am currently deployed. I mean I could... but I am a face to face kinda guy. Does fate like to play with people?... lol.

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    Nov 20, 2012 2:40 PM GMT

    Well there's only one way to find out, and if you're deployed I guess that will be slowly, lol.

    ...you might consider messaging him that for a little while you've been having romantic feelings when you think about him, and that it makes you feel pretty good. This couches your admission of feelings with a sense of it being an easy, good feeling, without sounding oppressive or sad.

    How he'll react is anyone's guess, although knowing him the way you do, how is he usually when someone gives chase? icon_wink.gif
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    Nov 20, 2012 2:52 PM GMT
    Hypothetical question: looking back on this situation 20 years from now, what specific decisions and course of action do you think would make you the happiest and proudest?
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    Nov 20, 2012 3:03 PM GMT
    Tenebrism saidHypothetical question: looking back on this situation 20 years from now, what specific decisions and course of action do you think would make you the happiest and proudest?


    Wow, good question! (tenebrism is very smart, DeeAFguy81)
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    Nov 20, 2012 3:06 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    Tenebrism saidHypothetical question: looking back on this situation 20 years from now, what specific decisions and course of action do you think would make you the happiest and proudest?


    Wow, good question! (tenebrism is very smart, DeeAFguy81)
    Even a broken clock is right twice a day. (And yes, I'm talking about me, not you Doug.) icon_lol.gif

    Thanks for the kind words.

    OP: best of luck!
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    Nov 20, 2012 3:23 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    Well there's only one way to find out, and if you're deployed I guess that will be slowly, lol.

    ...you might consider messaging him that for a little while you've been having romantic feelings when you think about him, and that it makes you feel pretty good. This couches your admission of feelings with a sense of it being an easy, good feeling, without sounding oppressive or sad.

    How he'll react is anyone's guess, although knowing him the way you do, how is he usually when someone gives chase? icon_wink.gif


    See... there in itself might present a problem... well not really. I mean... again I am more of a face to face kinda guy and sending a message and not knowing and seeing the reaction would kinda get to me. Plus, how do I know that those changes wasn't just in my head. But then again you are right... there is only one way to find out... and I may not want to wait too long.. right?

    Funny... he usually comes to me for advice when one gives chase... lol.

    I really do appreciate your input... thank you.
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    Nov 20, 2012 3:29 PM GMT
    Tenebrism said
    meninlove said
    Tenebrism saidHypothetical question: looking back on this situation 20 years from now, what specific decisions and course of action do you think would make you the happiest and proudest?


    Wow, good question! (tenebrism is very smart, DeeAFguy81)
    Even a broken clock is right twice a day. (And yes, I'm talking about me, not you Doug.) icon_lol.gif

    Thanks for the kind words.

    OP: best of luck!



    Tenebrism... you are soooooo right with that question. Thank you for the words of wisdom. To both of you.
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    Nov 20, 2012 3:32 PM GMT
    ^ Good luck, buddy! icon_biggrin.gif
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    Nov 20, 2012 3:33 PM GMT
    DeeAFguy81 said
    meninlove said
    Well there's only one way to find out, and if you're deployed I guess that will be slowly, lol.

    ...you might consider messaging him that for a little while you've been having romantic feelings when you think about him, and that it makes you feel pretty good. This couches your admission of feelings with a sense of it being an easy, good feeling, without sounding oppressive or sad.

    How he'll react is anyone's guess, although knowing him the way you do, how is he usually when someone gives chase? icon_wink.gif


    See... there in itself might present a problem... well not really. I mean... again I am more of a face to face kinda guy and sending a message and not knowing and seeing the reaction would kinda get to me. Plus, how do I know that those changes wasn't just in my head. But then again you are right... there is only one way to find out... and I may not want to wait too long.. right?

    Funny... he usually comes to me for advice when one gives chase... lol.

    I really do appreciate your input... thank you.

    It's called Skype/Facetime. icon_wink.gif
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    Nov 20, 2012 3:33 PM GMT
    bro,you guys have known each other for such a long time,maybe hes in the same boat as you.simply ask him icon_smile.gif
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    Nov 20, 2012 4:14 PM GMT
    IceBuckets said
    DeeAFguy81 said
    meninlove said
    .

    It's called Skype/Facetime. icon_wink.gif


    icon_biggrin.gifThanks.... dunno why I didn't think of that (and I'm not being sarcastic)... lol.

    Funny how I can easily jump in a fire fight if need be and do whatever uncle sam tells me to... but when it comes to dealings of the heart it's kinda hard to find the courage.icon_lol.gif
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    Nov 20, 2012 4:16 PM GMT
    simple_me saidbro,you guys have known each other for such a long time,maybe hes in the same boat as you.simply ask him icon_smile.gif


    True that... Only one way to find out. Thanksicon_biggrin.gif
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    Nov 20, 2012 4:18 PM GMT
    DeeAFguy81 said
    simple_me saidbro,you guys have known each other for such a long time,maybe hes in the same boat as you.simply ask him icon_smile.gif


    True that... Only one way to find out. Thanksicon_biggrin.gif




    cool glad to b of help icon_smile.gif
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    Nov 20, 2012 4:22 PM GMT
    I feel compelled to answer this as i have been in your friend situation a few times.

    I will just quote Albert Einstein although it's not exactly a perfect match.

    Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.


    To alter the dynamics of your relationship with your friend you need to change the status quo. You need to act differently more like the people he goes after. Do not initiate intimacy yourself or too quick just tease him. Then you can start talking about more than friends.


    Basically, you need to make him realize what he has in front of him. Altering a relationship from friendship to lovers requires planing, patience, and willingness to risk everything, mainly the friendship. You are either all in or not.

    Simply asking him will most likely yield a negative response. He would have shown you some intentions by now.

    In the end we all want to be wanted, desired and loved. You are showing already that you care. That is a big plus.

    good luck

  • chris_hasting...

    Posts: 197

    Nov 20, 2012 4:40 PM GMT
    you should get your other BFF to write a note asking if he likes you or not, tell him to circle yes or no or maybe. then have your BFF come give it to you...
  • wellwell

    Posts: 2265

    Nov 20, 2012 4:59 PM GMT
    simple_me saidbro,you guys have known each other for such a long time,maybe hes in the same boat as you.simply ask him icon_smile.gif



    ^ ^ this


    DON'T TELL, ASK !!!
    Ask 2 simple questions next time you see him -in person-

    1) We're still friends after all these years, right?
    2) -then why didn't we ever get-it-on ?

    I really understand not wanting to spoil what is already nice, but living inside a question mark is the pits!

    Good Luck
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    Nov 20, 2012 5:02 PM GMT
    DeeAFguy81 said
    'You're beautiful, I'm in love with you but I think I'm outta your league'.


    Fuck leagues, if you love someone you love him despite his looks. If you only go for looks you'll only be involved in superficial short term sucky relationships. Trust me.

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    Nov 20, 2012 5:54 PM GMT
    A_X91 said
    DeeAFguy81 said
    'You're beautiful, I'm in love with you but I think I'm outta your league'.


    Fuck leagues, if you love someone you love him despite his looks. If you only go for looks you'll only be involved in superficial short term sucky relationships. Trust me.



    Damn right...not bragging or anything but few guys that I've met, they later told me they thought that they didn't have a chance but they were totally my type so don't let the labels get in the way, just go for it...get what you want!
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    Nov 20, 2012 7:31 PM GMT
    borgiaczar said

    To alter the dynamics of your relationship with your friend you need to change the status quo. You need to act differently more like the people he goes after. Do not initiate intimacy yourself or too quick just tease him. Then you can start talking about more than friends.

    Basically, you need to make him realize what he has in front of him. Altering a relationship from friendship to lovers requires planing, patience, and willingness to risk everything, mainly the friendship. You are either all in or not.

    In the end we all want to be wanted, desired and loved. You are showing already that you care. That is a big plus.

    good luck



    Thank you for your advice... trulyicon_biggrin.gif The willingness to risk everything is what I am not looking forward to. But I believe he is worth the risk.

    Question... Why should one change ones self to accommodate and please another? I feel that if they like me the way I am then they like me, If they don't then they don't. What's funny is that that's one of the advice I've given him in the past every time he's change for someone he goes for or goes for him. My own advice that I should take myself... lol.
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    Nov 20, 2012 7:37 PM GMT
    wellwell said
    simple_me said


    DON'T TELL, ASK !!!
    Ask 2 simple questions next time you see him -in person-

    1) We're still friends after all these years, right?
    2) -then why didn't we ever get-it-on ?

    I really understand not wanting to spoil what is already nice, but living inside a question mark is the pits!

    Good Luck


    It might be a while till I see him again. But I'll keep this in mind. Thanksicon_biggrin.gif

    And it's true... living in a question mark sucks. It brings out a lot of Why? What If's? Shoulda/Coulda/Woulda's.
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    Nov 20, 2012 7:40 PM GMT
    ohboy said
    A_X91 said
    DeeAFguy81 said
    'You're beautiful, I'm in love with you but I think I'm outta your league'.


    Fuck leagues, if you love someone you love him despite his looks. If you only go for looks you'll only be involved in superficial short term sucky relationships. Trust me.



    Damn right...not bragging or anything but few guys that I've met, they later told me they thought that they didn't have a chance but they were totally my type so don't let the labels get in the way, just go for it...get what you want!



    You both are right. Funny it's an advice that I always tell him that I should be taking myself.

    I just gotta say that ya'll are awesome... and thanks.icon_smile.gif