All you "long termers": Does anyone else find it sometimes a struggle to remain with your long time man friend?

  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Nov 25, 2012 5:00 PM GMT
    But, all in all, a rewarding strugggle icon_question.gif



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    Nov 25, 2012 6:29 PM GMT
    Jesus, if it's a struggle, it's probably not worth it. I learned a long time ago, if I have to work at my job and my hobbies and all my other "stuff" the last thing I want to work on is my relationship. No, relationships should not be a struggle, they should be loving and wonderful and 90 percent perfect. If it's a lot of struggle, you are with the wrong guy and wasting a lot of time and effort making something work that should not even be happening. Struggle your way out of that mess already and find someone who you get along with.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Nov 25, 2012 7:10 PM GMT
    We do get along well most of the time.

    It's just that when we don't......it's Epic Fail time.

    But when we make up.......


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  • FireDoor211

    Posts: 1030

    Nov 25, 2012 7:13 PM GMT
    smartmoney saidJesus, if it's a struggle, it's probably not worth it. I learned a long time ago, if I have to work at my job and my hobbies and all my other "stuff" the last thing I want to work on is my relationship. No, relationships should not be a struggle, they should be loving and wonderful and 90 percent perfect. If it's a lot of struggle, you are with the wrong guy and wasting a lot of time and effort making something work that should not even be happening. Struggle your way out of that mess already and find someone who you get along with.


    I like this. Every other aspect of my life requires a lot of work, and that work pays off. The work I have put into relationships rarely does. We'll see though
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    Nov 25, 2012 7:16 PM GMT
    smartmoney saidJesus, if it's a struggle, it's probably not worth it. I learned a long time ago, if I have to work at my job and my hobbies and all my other "stuff" the last thing I want to work on is my relationship. No, relationships should not be a struggle, they should be loving and wonderful and 90 percent perfect. If it's a lot of struggle, you are with the wrong guy and wasting a lot of time and effort making something work that should not even be happening. Struggle your way out of that mess already and find someone who you get along with.


    I've got to disagree with you. Of course it's going to be a struggle -- you're two different people, with two different mind sets and ways of looking at the world. the other person can't be inside your head and anticipate your every move. now, i'm not saying that it needs to be drama all the time but there are going to be disagreements and issues. it's how you handle them and communicate through them that makes the difference. i just think that way of looking at things is setting it up for failure. obviously, when you meet someone you know if you get along or not so i'm not talking about that -- but i just mean long term, there will be difficult times. but then again, how will you know the highs if you don't have any lows? I'd like you to point to me one conflict-free relationship thats lasted forever. and if you can, i'll point you at a relationship where the level of intimacy was probably relatively razor thin. you really learn who you are and the other person is in those dark moments -- and if you can love them too, and they can love you still -- than hang on tight.
  • bradsmith

    Posts: 175

    Nov 25, 2012 7:23 PM GMT
    I always say "if relationships were easy, everyone would have one". Of course they require work...what's worth doing that doesn't?

  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Nov 25, 2012 7:23 PM GMT
    Anyone who thinks an LTR isn't going to take some effort has only had one with his right or left hand. Of course different personalities interact differently and some relationships are more difficult than others. But even the best ones I've known (and I used to be in a gay couples group that met every third week for seven years -- and I've known lots of other LTRs beyond that) have had their ups and downs. Of course some relationships aren't worth the effort. Some relationships are just down right unhealthy for both parties. But a loving, committed relationship means 'being there' for one another 'for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health.' Anyone who can't commit to that isn't ready for an LTR.

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    Nov 25, 2012 7:23 PM GMT
    It would be more of a struggle for me to be WITHOUT him.
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    Nov 25, 2012 7:23 PM GMT
    MikeW saidAnyone who thinks an LTR isn't going to take some effort has only had one with his right or left hand. Of course different personalities interact differently and some relationships are more difficult than others. But even the best ones I've known (and I used to be in a gay couples group that met every third week for seven years -- and I've known lots of other LTRs beyond that) have had their ups and downs. Of course some relationships aren't worth the effort. Some relationships are just down right unhealthy for both parties. But a loving, committed relationship means 'being there' for one another 'for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health.' Anyone who can't commit to that isn't ready for an LTR.



    what he said.
  • muscletruk

    Posts: 109

    Nov 25, 2012 7:27 PM GMT
    I learned a long time ago good relationships don't just happen be it friends or lovers. At first it's all wonderful, and you hope it will be this way forever( my current phase) as the newness wears off and the time you spend adds up you really get to bond and know each other. you have to work at keeping the connection and learning the art of compromise. granted it shouldn't be a struggle every day but you will have times, and in the long run it should bring you closer. If you cut and run at the 1st bump you'll never get far.
    and for the record I refuse to give up on happily ever after
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    Nov 25, 2012 7:28 PM GMT
    I find the only things I care about and value are the things I work at. Nothing of value comes easy, or arrives perfect - at least not in my life. So I am in fact grateful that my 18 years with my man have involved moments of hard work.

    And relationships aren't only about measuring moments. They are about rightness of fit. And if the fit is right, you deal with the rest.

    That's also my attitude to the gym, my education and trying to conquer that devilish Handel aria with the long runs.

  • MadeinMich

    Posts: 1624

    Nov 25, 2012 7:37 PM GMT
    Capn_A said
    smartmoney saidJesus, if it's a struggle, it's probably not worth it. I learned a long time ago, if I have to work at my job and my hobbies and all my other "stuff" the last thing I want to work on is my relationship. No, relationships should not be a struggle, they should be loving and wonderful and 90 percent perfect. If it's a lot of struggle, you are with the wrong guy and wasting a lot of time and effort making something work that should not even be happening. Struggle your way out of that mess already and find someone who you get along with.


    I've got to disagree with you. Of course it's going to be a struggle -- you're two different people, with two different mind sets and ways of looking at the world. the other person can't be inside your head and anticipate your every move. now, i'm not saying that it needs to be drama all the time but there are going to be disagreements and issues. it's how you handle them and communicate through them that makes the difference. i just think that way of looking at things is setting it up for failure. obviously, when you meet someone you know if you get along or not so i'm not talking about that -- but i just mean long term, there will be difficult times. but then again, how will you know the highs if you don't have any lows? I'd like you to point to me one conflict-free relationship thats lasted forever. and if you can, i'll point you at a relationship where the level of intimacy was probably relatively razor thin. you really learn who you are and the other person is in those dark moments -- and if you can love them too, and they can love you still -- than hang on tight.


    Wow, I do believe that was the most profound thing I've read said on here. You're years beyond your age in wisdom and will definately make a great longtime partner for someone someday
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    Nov 25, 2012 7:55 PM GMT
    MadeinMich said
    Capn_A said
    smartmoney saidJesus, if it's a struggle, it's probably not worth it. I learned a long time ago, if I have to work at my job and my hobbies and all my other "stuff" the last thing I want to work on is my relationship. No, relationships should not be a struggle, they should be loving and wonderful and 90 percent perfect. If it's a lot of struggle, you are with the wrong guy and wasting a lot of time and effort making something work that should not even be happening. Struggle your way out of that mess already and find someone who you get along with.


    I've got to disagree with you. Of course it's going to be a struggle -- you're two different people, with two different mind sets and ways of looking at the world. the other person can't be inside your head and anticipate your every move. now, i'm not saying that it needs to be drama all the time but there are going to be disagreements and issues. it's how you handle them and communicate through them that makes the difference. i just think that way of looking at things is setting it up for failure. obviously, when you meet someone you know if you get along or not so i'm not talking about that -- but i just mean long term, there will be difficult times. but then again, how will you know the highs if you don't have any lows? I'd like you to point to me one conflict-free relationship thats lasted forever. and if you can, i'll point you at a relationship where the level of intimacy was probably relatively razor thin. you really learn who you are and the other person is in those dark moments -- and if you can love them too, and they can love you still -- than hang on tight.


    Wow, I do believe that was the most profound thing I've read said on here. You're years beyond your age in wisdom and will definately make a great longtime partner for someone someday



    awwh shucks thank you icon_redface.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 25, 2012 10:27 PM GMT
    no. so long as the sex is thrilling and epic!
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    Nov 25, 2012 10:50 PM GMT
    I wouldn't ever call my relationship a "struggle". There are moments where I "struggle" to do the right thing, to honor him, to be more patient, etc., but that struggle is mostly with myself and my own selfishness. Loving him is not a struggle. It's a privilege and a joy.

    I'd say, like all relationships (including my parents), my relationship has had its ups and downs. But as the years have gone by, we've learned what buttons to press and not to press, which battles to fight and which battles to conceded, etc. If anything, like a fine wine, it gets better over time. It matures as we mature. We were much more volatile in the earlier years, of course, but that was because we were insecure, uncertain, etc. As time has gone on, we've built more history, confidence, trust, and security in the relationship. Always room for growth, new adventures and mystery, so that keeps it very interesting and certainly, alive!

    On the other hand, without a certain amount of "struggle" or conflict, it could get really boring!
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    Nov 25, 2012 10:51 PM GMT
    We've been arguing and fighting for 25+ years a la Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf.

  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Nov 25, 2012 11:41 PM GMT
    TerraFirma saidI wouldn't ever call my relationship a "struggle". There are moments where I "struggle" to do the right thing, to honor him, to be more patient, etc., but that struggle is mostly with myself and my own selfishness. Loving him is not a struggle. It's a privilege and a joy.

    I'd say, like all relationships (including my parents), my relationship has had its ups and downs. But as the years have gone by, we've learned what buttons to press and not to press, which battles to fight and which battles to conceded, etc. If anything, like a fine wine, it gets better over time. It matures as we mature. We were much more volatile in the earlier years, of course, but that was because we were insecure, uncertain, etc. As time has gone on, we've built more history, confidence, trust, and security in the relationship. Always room for growth, new adventures and mystery, so that keeps it very interesting and certainly, alive!

    On the other hand, without a certain amount of "struggle" or conflict, it could get really boring!





    Wow! A most impressive reply.




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  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 26, 2012 1:21 PM GMT
    TerraFirma saidI wouldn't ever call my relationship a "struggle". There are moments where I "struggle" to do the right thing, to honor him, to be more patient, etc., but that struggle is mostly with myself and my own selfishness. Loving him is not a struggle. It's a privilege and a joy.

    I'd say, like all relationships (including my parents), my relationship has had its ups and downs. But as the years have gone by, we've learned what buttons to press and not to press, which battles to fight and which battles to conceded, etc. If anything, like a fine wine, it gets better over time. It matures as we mature. We were much more volatile in the earlier years, of course, but that was because we were insecure, uncertain, etc. As time has gone on, we've built more history, confidence, trust, and security in the relationship. Always room for growth, new adventures and mystery, so that keeps it very interesting and certainly, alive!

    On the other hand, without a certain amount of "struggle" or conflict, it could get really boring!


    Exactly.
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    Nov 26, 2012 2:18 PM GMT
    My thoughts on this have already been stated really, and far more eloquently than I could ever communicate them.

    If you expect to never have to put in any work into a relationship then you should expect to never have a deep, long lasting and meaningful relationship with anyone else. Life ain't no fairytale.

    At the same time, only you can decide when that work becomes too much, too frequent, too constant a struggle. There will always be difficulties now and then in a relationship in my opinion, if you're constantly in conflict then maybe it's not right but if you're able to be happy and loving and facing life together for the most part then that's real life as far as I'm concerned.
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    Nov 26, 2012 2:35 PM GMT

    Here's a couple having a struggle; work, kids etc.

    At 58 seconds into this Grandma walks in and talks about relationships.
    I couldn't agree more. icon_wink.gif

    warmest regards to all of you,

    -Doug




    PS some truths are universal no matter whether you're gay or straight. icon_wink.gif
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Nov 26, 2012 2:52 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    Here's a couple having a struggle; work, kids etc.

    At 58 seconds into this Grandma walks in and talks about relationships.
    I couldn't agree more. icon_wink.gif

    warmest regards to all of you,

    -Doug




    PS some truths are universal no matter whether you're gay or straight. icon_wink.gif




    LOVE that movie!!

    I've viewed it several times.

    It is "Real World Accurate".


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  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 26, 2012 3:22 PM GMT
    Relationships should not be a struggle. They're supposed to make you feel good. When a relationship starts becoming more of a chore than a source of mutual satisfaction, then it's time to pack our bags and run (not walk) to the nearest exit. Of course problems or issues do arise from time to time even in the most perfect of relationships, but those problems or issues should not be "normal" everyday occurrences.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Nov 26, 2012 3:29 PM GMT
    Dominus, how long was your last "long term" relationship; if you have ever had one?
  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    Nov 26, 2012 3:30 PM GMT
    8 years... a struggle not to kill him at times, but have never found a reason to leave him, nor have I been tempted..
  • Latenight30

    Posts: 1525

    Nov 26, 2012 3:33 PM GMT
    It's a good a struggle. If you are both lucky you are both growing and changing the whole time.
    11 years in Feb and yeah it's been tough but it's so worth it.