Guys who befriend you, hoping for more along the way.

  • newyorkcanon

    Posts: 37

    Nov 26, 2012 3:41 AM GMT
    It's happened to me at least three times already in the past, and usually with undesirable outcomes. It almost makes me feel like I can never make friends with most gay guys, because they're always seeking more and never settle with just being friends when things don't work out.

    It bothers me, especially because in one of these cases it was with someone who I held in high regards as a best friend, that's how close we got. Months later, tried to steal a kiss (and wasn't able to because I backed away.) Then he confessed his feelings for me through text, where I told him that I didn't like him that way but that I was more than willing to be friends. He stopped talking to me, vanished from my life and it was painful for me. I was hurt because even though I rejected someone, I felt equally rejected by them as a friend.

    Out of all the gay guy friends I have, only three of these people have approached me as friends and no more. That doesn't mean that I'm not down for a relationship. Matter of fact, I'm actively looking for someone, and if whoever I happen to be interested in tells me they're not into me, I would be mildly heartbroken.

    But that doesn't mean I would stop talking to them! After all, if you become very good friends along the way with a person who turns you down, would you try to 'erase' them from your life? I wouldn't, because I've been through that situation once, and making such a decision doesn't feel right. I just don't understand people sometimes.
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    Nov 26, 2012 4:57 AM GMT
    Some people deal with rejection better than others.

    I think it's good to use caution when you become friends with other gay guys because many of them can fall for you or the opposite can be true as well.
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    Nov 26, 2012 5:02 AM GMT
    I'm sorry for the hurt. My heart reaches out for you cause this happened to me a couple of years back.

    My only advise to prevent this in the future is to drop subtle hints in passing that will clearly express that all you want in a friendship is ONLY friendship and nothing more.
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    Nov 26, 2012 7:49 AM GMT
    lol,when 2 gay men befriend each other,sometimes it is good,sometimes it is bad,depends on ur luck,currently i just had a bitch fight with another gay coz he keep sabotage me and laugh at me for any little tiny flaw that ho can find and exagerate it,but it gets better,i left the place and we never conduct each other anymore.
  • TroyAthlete

    Posts: 4269

    Nov 26, 2012 10:13 AM GMT
    Completely generalizing here, but gay guys my age in the city in which I live have a hard time separating friends from lovers. All my male friends are straight except ONE, and this is only because we dated for a month before deciding we were better as just friends. I'm certain that if sex had not happened first, he would never have gotten the attraction out of his system and we would not be friends today.

    This saddens me. I would love having a circle of gay friends as close and bonded as my huuuuuuge circle of straight male friends, but I refuse to accept that the price of friendship is sex. I have met guys in the gayborhood but not developed lasting friendships failed because we gay/bi guys are either:

    1) completely damaged
    2) total flakes, or
    3) unable to understand the concept of platonic friendship thereby becoming jealous and disappearing once they you are putting out.

    In scenario 1, the gays I know are not mature or stable enough to be friends after a hookup that leads to nowhere. I see no reason for this awkwardness, but many guys act like you don't exist after hooking up.

    In the more troubling scenario 2, there's the "friends" who get jealous of your relationship with your boyfriend and thus flake and disappear from your life.

    The 3rd and most bizarre/troubling scenario gays make no distinction between lovers and friends. None. One of my exes insists to this day he was only "friends" with the multiple guys he was receiving naked photos from, making out with, sending text messages saying "I want your nut" to, and as it turns out fucking behind my back. To this day, he still insists these guys are and were just friends.

    I thought it was nuts until I realized that many gays think the same. I was recently hooking up with a local scene queen who was always telling me how this "friend" or that "friend" was coming over to "drop a load." That "friends" -- not fuck buds, friends -- perform sex acts on each other on any regular, ongoing basis was news to me.

    I think this is why so many gay dudes are always thinking their straight buds are into them, when the guy is just being a friend. Just because a guy likes spending time with you, shares secrets with you, and cares about you does not mean he wants to have sex with you. Outside of the gayborhood, that's called friendship.
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    Nov 26, 2012 11:03 AM GMT
    Always happens with me.. it's really dumb. you're better off seeking characteristically self-composed and sensible friends anyways.
  • demasi

    Posts: 76

    Nov 26, 2012 11:40 AM GMT
    This has happened to me a few times recently.

    Meet someone cool -> Friendship develops -> they put in the moves, i back away and then either 1) they never speak to me again or 2 ) they become super bitchy.

    It actually really sucks and it's had a bit of an effect on my general happiness.

    I just want some cool gay mates and so far it's been pretty difficult
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    Nov 26, 2012 11:49 AM GMT
    Really not different to straight people either- but as it's two males it can be little more direct.

    Just be very clear and upfront from day 1, re-affirm it when it goes off track, and if it doesn't work move on.

    Don't sweat the small stuff, there's a ton of good people out there just keep being open to meet new folks.

    Edit: Majority of my close gay mates are a fair bit older, mostly coupled, and thus no sexual interest in me. Only problem is they don't usually want to hit the bars so I can get a hot young thing as it's always dinners and off they go home!
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    Nov 26, 2012 12:15 PM GMT
    Variety is the spice of life, as the saying goes. After going through this same situation repeatedly, I have shifted to focusing on meeting people based on what I enjoy doing and not worrying so much about the gay/straight/couple/single and other lines we like to create for ourselves.

    Good (and not so good) people come in all packages, after all.
  • newyorkcanon

    Posts: 37

    Nov 26, 2012 5:44 PM GMT
    Thank you all for your input.

    It's just aggravating at times because it's very misleading, and at times you're left wondering if you can ever have an interest-free friendship. I generally assume it's better to have something than nothing, I applied this line of reasoning when I was rejected myself.

    I offered my friendship to a love interested who rejected me. He said he felt a connection, so we started chatting, got really into each other, and then he offered to be friends if all else failed. At some point he rejected me because the connection felt "off", and he wasn't sure if he'd want to pursue a relationship with me. So I tell him "how about we stay friends?"- dude chats with me for another three times, and even goes as far as telling me he wants to cuddle with me (I only take it as a compliment though, not as some special move from his part.) Next thing you know, he disappears completely. Mind you, I never told him anything out of the ordinary, didn't even try hitting on him again! I texted him on two separate occasions afterwards, he never replied to either message. Never bothered with him again.

    Oh well. I guess I'm the kinda person who likes to stick to their word. People seem unfeeling at times.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Nov 26, 2012 5:49 PM GMT
    It has happened to me, more than once. I think you just have to be very clear what it is all about from the beginning and why.

    I still have friends who have "other thoughts" about me than friendship.
    If you really dont' want that kind of attention, you must be clear and really don't be "cutsie" about it. I have gay friends that don't interest me, physically, in the least, but are awesome friends. Don't mix words when
    the subject first comes up.
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    Nov 27, 2012 2:00 AM GMT


    "Then he confessed his feelings for me through text, where I told him that I didn't like him that way but that I was more than willing to be friends. He stopped talking to me, vanished from my life and it was painful for me. I was hurt because even though I rejected someone, I felt equally rejected by them as a friend."

    Conversely, on many topics started by people in your friend's position, the usual advice is to step back and take a break until they get over the person (friend) they're falling for.
  • TheAlchemixt

    Posts: 2294

    Nov 27, 2012 2:07 AM GMT
    Just give up the ass man! Why do you have to play so damn hard to get? I don't understand men like you! Flaunting all your goods only to reject someone. Haha only kidding. icon_smile.gif

    We all handle rejection in different ways, some better than others. If I were falling for a friend and they let me know that they were not interested there might be a possibility that I would take some time and put a little distance between myself and them in order to protect myself from falling even more. It is a defense mechanism for some men.
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    Nov 27, 2012 2:28 AM GMT
    Well I'd just let everyone know from the jump whether this is just Platonic or not. That way they can always go back to what you said and there can be no confusion.

    What happened to you happened to me when I was still chasing women. It was very painful. And recently another Guy did it to me.
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    Nov 27, 2012 2:32 AM GMT
    Very rare in my life. Maybe because even though most of my friends are gay, most of them are also coupled. Even then, I've always had good gay friends, including in the dim recesses of the distant past when I was single.
  • TroyAthlete

    Posts: 4269

    Nov 28, 2012 11:50 PM GMT
    showme saidVery rare in my life. Maybe because even though most of my friends are gay, most of them are also coupled. Even then, I've always had good gay friends, including in the dim recesses of the distant past when I was single.


    Move to WeHo.

    On second though, don't.
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    Nov 29, 2012 12:02 AM GMT
    I get what you mean when you say
    newyorkcanonI was hurt because even though I rejected someone, I felt equally rejected by them as a friend.


    I had a guy a couple weeks ago text me about wanting to hook up with me. It was weird because we had a talk when we met about just being friends. I thought we were decent friends until after turning down his offer, he ignored me the next time I said hi to him. Kinda rude, but at least I know his true nature now.

    On the other hand, a guy I liked and did hook up with turned out to be a great friend afterward. To this day we would never hook up again, but it isn't weird at all.
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    Nov 29, 2012 7:18 AM GMT
    yep happens all the time. quite frankly i dont care much for these guys. Best thing to do is get up, dust yourself off and move on
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    Nov 29, 2012 7:21 AM GMT
    who knew, too little or too much love can be a problem
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    Nov 29, 2012 7:25 AM GMT
    BlueJeans90 saidwho knew, too little or too much love can be a problem


    Thats the difference between love and lust, garantee you any of those guys that want to fuck you by pretending to be a friend, will vanish once you do the deedicon_wink.gif
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    Nov 29, 2012 7:25 AM GMT
    I have done this and have also had the same! That is why I believe in setting clear boundaries!
  • TheAlchemixt

    Posts: 2294

    Nov 29, 2012 7:29 AM GMT
    You need to tell people straight from the start that you only see them as friends. Do not give them any signals whatsoever to think otherwise!
  • hanzo83

    Posts: 457

    Dec 02, 2012 6:58 PM GMT
    That's why I'm wary about making any friends online where I have shirtless profile pic lol. These guys claim they want to be friends but they are attracted to your picture with high hopes of getting sexual with you. Thankfully I'm intuitive enough to see past all that from the beginning and that's in real life and online.