How to be less insecure

  • dexterboi1231

    Posts: 40

    Nov 26, 2012 5:33 AM GMT
    Okay, so over the past year and a half (when I began going to gay clubs, have had my first "relationship" and break up, have tried to make friends on grindr), I've learned something about myself: I am extremely insecure. I realized when I'd go to clubs and couldn't get a guy to dance with me, I'd get all emo and want to leave. Or I'd text my friends telling them that I feel ugly because nobody was trying to dance with me (even if the week before I danced with a few hot guys lol). Or I'd get upset if good looking guys on grindr didn't pay attention to me (I even made a thread about it on here...pathetic). I'd let all those grindr rejections make me feel like crap. And then when I started getting attention (because I put up a shirtless picture), I felt good...which would sound okay, if it didn't mean that I was basically letting grindr and the amount of messages I got from there dictate how I felt about myself. And one time I went and met this really nice guy at the bar, we talked for like 20 minutes, then danced, and he said "he'd be back" but never came back and I felt upset and wanted to leave -_-

    What I'm trying to get at is..how do I stop caring about such stupid things? Is there anyone who used to be like this and now has changed. Like...clubs are meant to just have fun and dance, with the possibility of finding a hot guy to dance with. You're not supposed to be upset just because nobody will give you attention. Is this something that's just inherent in being young, or is it just me, is it something I can change? And how? Like..I don't think I'm ugly, and I know I'm skinny but I never find myself thinking "I need to buff up so I get more guys"..I also think I'm a nice guy, intelligent, funny (not trying to sound cocky, but I do think I'm a pretty good person overall), so why do I let such little things bother me???

  • account_92

    Posts: 15

    Nov 26, 2012 5:45 AM GMT
    alright first of all dude. That bloke ditching you at the Bar was not something "stupid" it is a perfectly legitimate reason for you to feel like shit. What he did was so beyond wrong and down right rude.

    My ex was very much like how you sound. He finnally had someone who loved him unconditionally even with all his flaws (me) but his insecurites got the best of me and so he cheated on me with many MANY different men. It was very heartbreaking and I am still not over it.

    I believe that for you to get over your insecurities you need to draw or channel your confidence from something OTHER than the level of interest men have for you.

    Have you ever noticed how a lot of sporty/jock guys seem confident and not so insecure (at least on the surface anyway). The reason for that is because they draw their confidence from their athletic capabilities an achievments. This is a more reliable source than human perception which as you have experienced can change from club to club or weekend to weekend.

    Find something to occupy your mind and find something that encourages you to work towards goals as the success will give you a more stable, powerful and reliable sense of self, self worth and confidence.

    If you need to chat to someone you're more than welcome to message me icon_smile.gif
  • dexterboi1231

    Posts: 40

    Nov 26, 2012 5:59 AM GMT
    account_92 saidalright first of all dude. That bloke ditching you at the Bar was not something "stupid" it is a perfectly legitimate reason for you to feel like shit. What he did was so beyond wrong and down right rude.

    My ex was very much like how you sound. He finnally had someone who loved him unconditionally even with all his flaws (me) but his insecurites got the best of me and so he cheated on me with many MANY different men. It was very heartbreaking and I am still not over it.

    I believe that for you to get over your insecurities you need to draw or channel your confidence from something OTHER than the level of interest men have for you.

    Have you ever noticed how a lot of sporty/jock guys seem confident and not so insecure (at least on the surface anyway). The reason for that is because they draw their confidence from their athletic capabilities an achievments. This is a more reliable source than human perception which as you have experienced can change from club to club or weekend to weekend.

    Find something to occupy your mind and find something that encourages you to work towards goals as the success will give you a more stable, powerful and reliable sense of self, self worth and confidence.

    If you need to chat to someone you're more than welcome to message me icon_smile.gif



    Hmm, thank you for your response! For some reason I expected good advice mostly from older guys, but you sound wise beyond your years lol. I suppose I could find a hobby or something like that to occupy more of my time. I just have no clue where to start lol. And yeah, I felt like that guy ditching me was a legitimate reason to be upset but my friends told me I was being dumb (although they're probably tired of me ALWAYS bitching when I go out)
  • Trauts

    Posts: 1012

    Nov 26, 2012 1:04 PM GMT
    I'm sure everyone gets insecure sometimes. You're not the only one. Often, what I do is to go to bars or clubs with the mindset of just having fun with friends or people around you, instead of objectively seeking to find someone hot to talk to, or dance with. That way, you won't have to face disappointment if it doesn't happen and if it does, then its an added bonus.

    Next time just head out to those places not expecting anything but maybe with just the intention of meeting new people. Rejection happens but just move on.

    "I don't think I'm ugly, and I know I'm skinny but I never find myself thinking "I need to buff up so I get more guys"..I also think I'm a nice guy, intelligent, funny (not trying to sound cocky, but I do think I'm a pretty good person overall)"

    Use what you said to keep your confidence up. You know what you are and who you are, and seem to be comfortable with the way you look. Try to let guys affect you so much. I'm sure that hot guy will dance with you one day icon_smile.gif
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    Nov 26, 2012 1:12 PM GMT
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    Nov 26, 2012 2:15 PM GMT
    I know it's hard and it always will be to some extent. But time is what changes us. With time you will become more and more immune to how people behave on those websites and eventually you wont even care. And it might as well happen that one day you will say to somebody "I will be right back" and then you wont be. You should just call him an asshole (inside) and just move on, thinking why he did that? will he come back? will he call me? did he say something else? was I not reading the signal? thinking about any of these is not going to change anything. Eventually you will learn to not care and move on.

    Nobody pays attention to me as well when I go to clubs/bars etc. And the ones that approach me I do not like them. Also remember that at the end of the day most of the gay guys I mean the majority of them are single, you will never be able to fulfill their pretentious standards ever. Just try to be the best you can and be aware and then let go.

    If those dudes on grindr etc. are not showing interest in you, remember that nobody is showing interest in them either because whenever you open the app you see the same old people again and again and that includes the ones who ignored you, so trust me they are not getting what they want either.

    Men are visual, that's why most of the famous gay porn stars are these muscular jock types. It's important to take care of your body and how you look.

    I personally think you are very cute and your picture in glasses is very good too. You should may be do some weights and get some muscles and then wear muscle t-shirts when you go to bars clubs etc. It helps a little.
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    Nov 26, 2012 2:34 PM GMT
    Im sorry about that

    I am a virgin, i dont go to clubs is not my cup of tea. If guys dont look at me i dont care and i am Deaf--this frustrates many guys when they approach me.

    In the gay world you will never be pretty enough, strong enough, smelly enough, manly enough... is never enough...

    You cant mold yourself so others are happy with you. You have to lift your persona, give your life a meaning and whoever loves you, will definetly love you for who you are, not for what you are not.
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    Nov 26, 2012 2:47 PM GMT
    Hi,

    The most important thing to do is for you to write down why you feel insecure about yourself. What are the reasons for you feeling bad about yourself ? What's wrong with you ?

    Maybe you feel that external validation from other people is more valuable/stimulating that your own. Ultimately, you should strive to be comfortable with yourself. Your source of inner peace, confidence and optimism should come from the very core of your spirit, not somebody else.

    If you feel down about being rejected by guys, then think of it this way : you are an unique piece of puzzle. You have variety of shapes/cuts that make you who you are. Some puzzles (men) will fit better to you, and some won't. No need to take personally, as they're only trying to find a compatible match, just like you icon_smile.gif

    If it helps in any way, I think you're attractive and I wouldn't have minded getting to know you better, if you were interested enough and we lived in the same city. I can't help but to feel that in your photos you seem slightly shy/introverted. People pick up on your vibes and mostly can tell if you're uncomfortable.

    That's just my 2 cents, hope it helps and if you ever feel like talking, feel free to shoot me a message. Most importantly, enjoy your life, you only have one icon_smile.gif

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    Nov 26, 2012 2:48 PM GMT
    bottomasianboy20 saidIm sorry about that

    I am a virgin, i dont go to clubs is not my cup of tea. If guys dont look at me i dont care and i am Deaf--this frustrates many guys when they approach me.

    In the gay world you will never be pretty enough, strong enough, smelly enough, manly enough... is never enough...

    You cant mold yourself so others are happy with you. You have to lift your persona, give your life a meaning and whoever loves you, will definetly love you for who you are, not for what you are not.


    Preach the truth, I couldn't have said it better myself icon_biggrin.gif
  • Latenight30

    Posts: 1525

    Nov 26, 2012 3:48 PM GMT
    I honestly think a lot of it comes with age and experience. Your opinion of me, is none of my business. It's okay to feel good about yourself. I think our screwed up country likes to keep us all guessing. It gives us a very poor self esteem.
    Life has ups and downs, acceptance and rejection. Just let it flow. Tomorrow is always a new day!
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    Nov 26, 2012 4:03 PM GMT
    account_92 said

    Have you ever noticed how a lot of sporty/jock guys seem confident and not so insecure (at least on the surface anyway). The reason for that is because they draw their confidence from their athletic capabilities an achievments. This is a more reliable source than human perception which as you have experienced can change from club to club or weekend to weekend.

    Find something to occupy your mind and find something that encourages you to work towards goals as the success will give you a more stable, powerful and reliable sense of self, self worth and confidence.

    If you need to chat to someone you're more than welcome to message me icon_smile.gif


    This.
  • Amira

    Posts: 327

    Nov 26, 2012 4:45 PM GMT
    You really should not allow your self-worth to be determined by whether or not random guys want to dance with you or if you don't get messages from Grindr. (Grindr is totally not be taken seriously)

    We all have our insecurities, but please don't base your insecurities off of people who have absolutely no meaning in your life. Don't let these people influence how you feel about yourself when they don't even know you.

    Confidence is key in everything you do in life. When you have confidence, no one can take away the inner peace you have for yourself because you understand who you are as a person and you love yourself. Work on that.

    Let me tell you, I've been out to clubs awhile back and I had no problems at all dancing with myself, since that is what it is about having fun. And sometimes when I do start dancing there comes along a guy that wants to dance with me. It happens. And we live in the same area, so I'm sure I've been to the same places you have and trust me a lot of these guys down here are not people that should influence how you feel about yourself when I've seen a good majority of the regulars snorting coke in bathrooms. So who cares if you don't have no one to dance with, at the end of the day you will always have yourself to dance with. icon_wink.gif
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Nov 26, 2012 5:16 PM GMT
    I understand what you are saying and honestly, I'll admit to feeling like that at times too. Not as much as I used to but every now and then, it does hit me a bit. I get ignored 98% of the time and the only guys who seem to show interest in me are way older men who are out of shape and well, it gets me down at times and makes me wonder if I'll ever meet a guy who I feel attracted too (I don't think my standards are too high).

    But yeah, I agree with Account_92, finding a hobby is definitely a good way to keep your mind off of those things. Like for example, there are two things I really enjoy doing. Drawing and playing guitar. I'm not the best but whenever I do either of these activities, I feel good about myself as I know I have something I'm moderately good at and I've been doing those things ever since I was a child. So trust me, finding a hobby definitely helps how you feel. Exercising can help you feel good as well. I started exercising the beginning of this year and I feel a lot better about myself so yeah, exercising/working out can help you too but only do it for yourself, not for others.

    But keep on trucking, trust me, things will get better and you will learn with time not to care so much of what others think of you. As long as you're being yourself and not hurting anyone physically, I think that's the best quality a guy can have. Good luck Dex!
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    Nov 26, 2012 5:41 PM GMT
    Hmn... How to become less insecure about yourself. crazy-monkey-emoticon-044.gif?1292792390

    Oh I know! :3 I'll put it in prose form. Maybe it'll stick better if I do it this way. I dedicate this one to youse!

    *Being Alone.*

    When you smile, smile with your heart.
    Let the emotions guide your lips as they curl,
    because it's something that makes you happy,
    and moves you from within.

    When you laugh, laugh from within.
    Show how funny something is,
    just let the colors come out,
    allow yourself to dance.

    When you dance, dance for yourself.
    Experience the movement and rapture,
    become the conduit for music and motion,
    allowing you to feed yourself.

    When you eat, eat for yourself.
    Feed your soul hungered and starved for tastes,
    enjoy and indulge in the joy and pleasure it brings,
    enjoying what it means to live.

    And above all,

    When you live, live for yourself.
    No matter who comes in your life or who goes,
    know that you'll always have yourself by your side,
    and that time you spend is precious.

    No matter who comes, or who enters in your life. No matter who accepts you or who rejects you, know you are precious if to no one but yourself. Don't live vicariously through other people's expectations. Don't fantasize of what it could be like. See it through and make it possible. Experience the joys and the laughter. Don't second guess, don't miss out on being happy by pursuing a life of trying to get others in your life.

    And above all, if you cannot remember anything else, know that we are like little sparks of lights within the darkness of space. Our glow is but small and faint but it has the potential to outshine the sun if we just let ourselves be who we are without having to spend so much time pleasing others.

    yeah-crazy-rabbit-emoticon.gif?129279378
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    Nov 27, 2012 12:41 AM GMT
    I did this for decades. My opinion of myself was dependent on others. I was dependent on the attention, whether good or bad, from anyone. It was one big dependency issue. Everyday was a struggle to get through because I wanted someone, anyone to tell me I was okay. Then, I stumbled upon the idea that I had it all wrong. I discovered my ego has one function and only one function: to feel special and unique. That includes the grandiosity that I am wonderful, amazing, etc... and at the opposite end that I am the biggest piece of shit and don't deserve any better. That had to be smashed. I was left with self-esteem. I wish you luck.
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    Nov 27, 2012 12:51 AM GMT
    I'm seeing the responses: find a hobby - even if you aren't great in it.

    I pose this question then: how do you stop yourself from comparing yourself to others? For instance, I know I probably have a better body then a good portion of America. Not among the top 80% here but compared to the rest of the country, it's pretty good. But I constantly find myself comparing myself to the top 1% and makes me think that if I'm not perfect then what good am I?

    How not to be a perfectionist? How not to hold yourself to such an impossibly high standard? (I'm sorry, dexterboi, I don't mean to draw attention from you but I do hope the answer to this question will also help you icon_smile.gif )
  • FireDoor211

    Posts: 1030

    Nov 27, 2012 12:59 AM GMT
    Don't pretend for a second that someone elses opinion matters.
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Nov 27, 2012 3:31 AM GMT
    IceBuckets saidI'm seeing the responses: find a hobby - even if you aren't great in it.

    I pose this question then: how do you stop yourself from comparing yourself to others? For instance, I know I probably have a better body then a good portion of America. Not among the top 80% here but compared to the rest of the country, it's pretty good. But I constantly find myself comparing myself to the top 1% and makes me think that if I'm not perfect then what good am I?

    How not to be a perfectionist? How not to hold yourself to such an impossibly high standard? (I'm sorry, dexterboi, I don't mean to draw attention from you but I do hope the answer to this question will also help you icon_smile.gif )


    Well I sometimes feel that way with my art. There are tons of better way better people who do art then myself and it does get me down sometimes, I'm not going to lie. But you just have to remember that there will always be someone wiser, more talented, more likeable, etc. etc. then yourself and you have to try to accept that. Just keep doing what you do and enjoy it. At least that's what I do and it helps.
  • Nico3687

    Posts: 108

    Nov 27, 2012 3:35 AM GMT
    Maybe instead of looking for good looking guys you should look for good, high quality guys. It could improve your return on your investment of energy that you're using up. Just a theory.
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    Nov 27, 2012 3:46 AM GMT
    Dusk_Moonlight said
    IceBuckets saidI'm seeing the responses: find a hobby - even if you aren't great in it.

    I pose this question then: how do you stop yourself from comparing yourself to others? For instance, I know I probably have a better body then a good portion of America. Not among the top 80% here but compared to the rest of the country, it's pretty good. But I constantly find myself comparing myself to the top 1% and makes me think that if I'm not perfect then what good am I?

    How not to be a perfectionist? How not to hold yourself to such an impossibly high standard? (I'm sorry, dexterboi, I don't mean to draw attention from you but I do hope the answer to this question will also help you icon_smile.gif )


    Well I sometimes feel that way with my art. There are tons of better way better people who do art then myself and it does get me down sometimes, I'm not going to lie. But you just have to remember that there will always be someone wiser, more talented, more likeable, etc. etc. then yourself and you have to try to accept that. Just keep doing what you do and enjoy it. At least that's what I do and it helps.


    if that doesn't work... just remember that there's always someone less wise, less talented, less likable, etc...icon_wink.gif
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    Nov 27, 2012 5:03 AM GMT
    IceBuckets saidHow not to be a perfectionist?


    When you fail at enough relationships, the only substance of our lives, you'll notice that perfectionism doesn't work. Then we get the horrid glimpse of changing it.
  • varsityjock

    Posts: 24

    Nov 27, 2012 5:13 AM GMT
    you should watch the adonis factor documentary, basically explains this entire concept and how gay culture glorifies this superficial lifestyle based on looks. It's kinda depressing because I feel like as gay men we should all have a sense of camaraderie regardless of aesthetic worth but there's a lot of pressure and emphasis put on shallow aspects of life that create this insecurity...especially in young gay kids on the scene. It's ironic because theres this frankly disgusting unspoken rule that everyone on here should be striving to fit societies ideal notion of masculinity and in the end you get a bunch of buff queens who embody everything they set out to avoid. Just be yourself and someone will pick up on you if you're genuine.
  • 1AlanZSky

    Posts: 1505

    Apr 13, 2014 7:00 PM GMT
    IceBuckets saidI'm seeing the responses: find a hobby - even if you aren't great in it.

    I pose this question then: how do you stop yourself from comparing yourself to others? For instance, I know I probably have a better body then a good portion of America. Not among the top 80% here but compared to the rest of the country, it's pretty good. But I constantly find myself comparing myself to the top 1% and makes me think that if I'm not perfect then what good am I?

    How not to be a perfectionist? How not to hold yourself to such an impossibly high standard? (I'm sorry, dexterboi, I don't mean to draw attention from you but I do hope the answer to this question will also help you icon_smile.gif )


    I felt very insecure in the gym today. Comparing myself to these Adonis gods. Plus, I am sad and lonely for the time being.
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    Apr 16, 2014 9:17 AM GMT
    you need to stop caring about it.
    If you're in a relationship and your boyfriend cheated on you, then move on. Very heart breaking but you have to. if I come across this and have a thought of my ex with someone else then I would keep telling myself "my mom told me to give my used toys to the less fortunate." Throw away your used toys icon_smile.gif

    You're too good for him and he is obviously not the right one for you. And if he cheated on you -> bad karma.
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    Apr 16, 2014 10:16 AM GMT
    ^^ Um, you understand that this thread is 1.5 years old, right?