My parents want to help me buy a condo, but likely not if I come out to them

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    Nov 26, 2012 5:47 AM GMT
    I've been out to friends for a couple years now, but am hoping to come out to my parents in the new year. My other plan was to buy a condo in about a year's time after the market cools here in Toronto. I have a job, so once they cover my downpayment I can probably take care of the mortgage myself.

    I don't want to hold off coming out to my parents because all the lying is making us grow distant, but if I come out, they'll demand I come home to Calgary to get "fixed", and if I refuse, they're certainly not gonna support me living independently and "sinfully" lol.

    Yah I already know some of u will tell me to man up and be better off a lifetime renter while "true to myself", but let's be realistic ;)
  • reptile18

    Posts: 199

    Nov 26, 2012 6:01 AM GMT
    Hmm... realistic...

    how about a sugar daddy?
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    Nov 26, 2012 6:02 AM GMT
    Don't tell them until after you get that down payment.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Nov 26, 2012 6:50 AM GMT
    Get a job save your money and come up with your own down payment. If you can't afford the down payment you're not going to be able to afford keeping up the payments. Your parents obviously love you and trust you very much, is being dishonest to them really how you want to repay their love and trust?
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    Nov 26, 2012 9:47 AM GMT
    So your happiness is dependent on: 1) money and 2) other people

    Let me guess your parents belong to a predatory religion thriving on guilt and shame too.

    All of which is living in a box. I hope that one day you become ready to leave that box.

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    Nov 26, 2012 12:13 PM GMT
    this is easy,look at the mirror keep yelling "I LOVE VAGINA",then marry one of ur lesbian gurlfren,only divorce after all the condo payment settled.
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    Nov 26, 2012 12:20 PM GMT
    This is a moment that will define who you are as a person right now. My only suggestion is to think hypothetically about your life the day after you close on that condo, versus the day when you acknowledge your truth, consequences be damned.

    Good luck!
  • drypin

    Posts: 1798

    Nov 26, 2012 12:32 PM GMT
    Hmm. There's not a lot of regard there for your parents. What did they do to earn such disrespect? Perhaps they actually love you now and would continue to love you after you open up to them about this bit secret you're struggling with. And perhaps they would need some time to come around, but isn't that how we treat our loved ones?
  • O5vx

    Posts: 3154

    Nov 26, 2012 1:03 PM GMT
    I know how self centered this might sound, but only let them know after they have paid for your down payment. That way they hold no power to force their will on you. This might help them try to work out the situation with you.
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    Nov 26, 2012 1:07 PM GMT
    mashedpotatoes said I have a job, so once they cover my downpayment I can probably take care of the mortgage myself.
    I don't want to hold off coming out to my parents because all the lying is making us grow distant, but if I come out, they'll demand I come home to Calgary to get "fixed" ,better off a lifetime renter while "true to myself", but let's be realistic ;)

    Just a few thoughts based on the highlighted bits.
    If you have a job you may not be able to make the down payment now but you will eventually. You won't be renting forever.
    If the lying you're doing now is making you distant, just wait until they find out about all the lying after they've given you the down payment. Your relationship will be poisoned for about as long as it would take you to save the down payment yourself.
    They'll demand you to come home? If they love you, which they probably do if they're offering to give you a down payment, then you aren't giving them enough credit. Love requires trust, as you've already noticed since lying is pushing you apart . It may take some time for them to come to terms with the news but if they love you now they will love you even more after you've been honest with them.
  • FitGwynedd

    Posts: 1468

    Nov 26, 2012 2:03 PM GMT
    First world North American problems
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    Nov 26, 2012 2:12 PM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidGet a job save your money and come up with your own down payment. If you can't afford the down payment you're not going to be able to afford keeping up the payments.


    That doesn't follow at all. A deposit on a house is a lot more than a month's mortgage payment, surely?

    Get them to put the deposit up for you, get settled, then tell them. Make sure everything is in your name though just in case things do go bad.

    Good luck!
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    Nov 26, 2012 2:15 PM GMT
    FitGwynedd saidFirst world North American problems


    Irony coming from a boy who lives in a First world European nation(One that, for the record was the guiding light of civilization for hundreds of years and more or less set social and life standards for generations of people.)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 26, 2012 2:17 PM GMT
    Why fix something is not broken?


    Coming out is a choice~


    Rolls the dice
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    Nov 26, 2012 2:29 PM GMT
    Keep your plan of coming out to your parents. If they help you, Great! If not, keep saving and do it yourself. In the end it's best to be honest and out!
  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    Nov 26, 2012 2:37 PM GMT
    dont let them seeing u sucking dick til after u've already moved into the condo.


    Just "play it straight" lulz
  • hawkeye7

    Posts: 565

    Nov 26, 2012 2:39 PM GMT
    The lie is not worth it. My father was so angry that he had paid for college for a faggot. Years later the pain of him saying that and other hurtful things was not worth it, to him. Give them the chance, they deserve it one way or another.
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    Nov 26, 2012 3:05 PM GMT
    Do the math. You probably save a bundle by renting instead of owning. Figure out how much you save, and start putting that money into a savings account. If you can't make your monthly contribution, you know you can't afford owning. If you can, after a while you'll have your down payment and you'll know you can afford your place.

    If you can't afford your place on your own, then it doesn't make any difference whether your parents give you the down payment or not. In the long run, you'd either need their money (and hope they don't find out otherwise you are gay), or lose your condo to foreclosure.

    In balance, you are probably better off coming out before you get the down payment. If your parents are as homophobic as you fear, you won't have the worry of an albatross of a condo you can't afford. And maybe they'll surprise you - I know my parents did.
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    Nov 26, 2012 3:09 PM GMT
    If staying in the closet is making your life miserable, then perhaps you should just come out to your parents and worry about buying your condo at a later time. You're young and you have plenty of time to save money for your downpayment. Do you really want to be beholden to your parents?
  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Nov 26, 2012 3:10 PM GMT
    That sucks. I wouldn't take their help if they can't fully accept who I fully am.
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    Nov 26, 2012 3:12 PM GMT
    unfounded7 saidDon't tell them until after you get that down payment.
    AGREED
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    Nov 26, 2012 3:13 PM GMT
    PR_GMR saidThat sucks. I wouldn't take their help if they can't fully accept who I fully am.


    ditto that, when I graduated from college, my parents gave me a thousand bucks and said it's time for me to make it on my own. I would never want that financial shit hanging over me from parents, esp when it revolves around your personal life. Come out to them....and take charge of your life...live in a small apartment if you have to but at least you are being your own man
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    Nov 26, 2012 3:36 PM GMT
    My parents want to help me buy a condo, but likely not if I come out to them

    My partner's late parents helped him buy a Florida townhouse when he was in his mid-30s. But they already knew he was gay (although the father never fully accepting of it), their stated reason being that they had given wedding gifts and other support to the families of his married brother & sisters, and so they had to do something else for him, knowing he would never marry. Considering how often some families disowned their gay sons in the early 1970s I think it was a remarkable gesture, especially coming from traditional Italian Catholics.

    So I wonder 2 things: do the parents already secretely know the OP is gay? And is this to help him precisely because he IS gay, not as an incentive to follow a straight path and get married? The OP thinks his parents are gay hostile (they'll demand I come home to Calgary to get "fixed"), but children often misread their parents on this point. And my partner's father had many screaming confrontations over his being gay, yet he still helped him buy a home.

    On the other hand, I'm reminded of my own parents. Only in my 40s did I learn that they had known I was gay (but presumed by them to be "curable") from the time I was a child, but they never discussed it with me. And when they bought me a new car for my 17th birthday, my mother made a point of telling me it would help me "to meet girls" who'd want to ride in it with me. Instead, during the several years I owned it, the only 2 females who ever rode in it were my mother and my sister. icon_eek.gif

    So maybe the OP's parents think helping with the condo will provide their son with a bachelor pad to attract women. But either straight or gay scenario (as in my partner's case) could be possible, prompting me to ask if the OP is absolutely certain about his parents' feelings should he come out. He may be concerned over nothing.
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    Nov 26, 2012 3:46 PM GMT
    Sounds as if your parents will never accept you. Might as well take the money then come out. If they disown you then they didn't deserve your respect in the first place.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19129

    Nov 26, 2012 3:46 PM GMT
    If you're mentally and emotionally ready to come out to your parents, just do it and let the chips fall where they may. I came out at 24, and I remember all to well the angst and inner turmoil I went through over the inevitability that I simply could not lie to my parents anymore. The TRUTH shall set you free, but you have to be willing and/or able to deal with the consequences should your parents not handle the news well. Have faith that at the end of the day, your parent's unconditional love for you will transcend their disappointment in hearing this news. Be patient with them, and give them time to process it all --- and it may not happen overnight. Regardless, you ARE 24 -- an adult -- own that and move forward.