Relationship advice for the inexperienced

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 26, 2012 7:42 AM GMT
    Alright, I'm pretty new to actually being 'out' and I know that seems to draw some ire on this board...but...help a brother out here : )

    Anyway, I'm in college, I've come out to most of my family and if someone asks me whether or not I'm gay (which has only happened once since coming to college because I think/*hope* everyone assumes I am) I just say yes. Those were huge steps. But, I'm through all of the tough stuff when it comes to telling people. There are some family members that don't know, but it's more of me waiting for an appropriate time or in some cases gauging whether or not there is a safety concern. I don't flaunt that I'm gay, but at the same time I've actually become quite proud of myself for just being who I am without beating myself up over it (finally!!!).

    I want a relationship, needless to say I haven't had one...well, not with another man. I've dated one person more than two times in my life and our relationship was built on "our faith in god" and all that fun stuff.

    My best friend also just happens to be gay, and he's pretty much amazing. Whenever either one of us is going through something with friends/family we know who we can turn to. It's almost like we have a quasi-relationship. That's where the trouble is, though. I feel like we're both throwing out a lot of hints but neither one is brave enough to take the fall. He just got out of a bad relationship a few months ago and has slowly been getting over that, but I'm starting to feel like it might be time to let him know I'm interested. The trouble is, if he isn't, could this ruin our friendship? Honestly, it's the kind that you just don't want to lose, but at the same time I really want this to go further. He's just a fantastic, fantastic and completely unique person...and....well, I could go on forever.

    {Edited: I realize now that this is too vague}

    This is where I'm going to show my lack of experience... Anyways some of the things that might be hints:

    - I had to stay at school over Fall Break to work, he texted me on Thanksgiving.
    - Our friendship got a little awkward after I came out to him.
    - He came out to me after his breakup (which was after I came out to him, a loooong story, haha)
    - He remembers everything that I say, even if it's little things
    - When we're in a room full of people we make eye contact all the time, even if we aren't near each other or in the same conversation
    - Dumbest one of all, but there are a lot of little things like this. I got bored over break so I deconstructed a bunch of Oreos and combined all of the filling into one giant oreo and posted the picture on facebook. An hour later? His cover photo was of a bunch of oreos....
    - Ooooooh, and he knows all about how scared I've been to enter into a relationship. But...I made it facebook official that I was single (ie. on the market). An hour later? You guessed it, he changed his to single as well.
    - Oh, and he always tells me I'm the sweetest person he knows...

    Obviously, I have no clue at all what a clue is, so I'm just throwing things out there. Plus, there is that whole awkward "I know I like you and I think you might like me" vibe going on. And I have no experience, and we're young and dumb and idealistic and .... well, just young and dumb.

    Just to be fair, these would be the things that I would say *might* mean he's not interested...
    - Yes, he is incredibly good looking....like....incredibly. That's not why I love him at all, but it is a great perk and he could easily have any man he wanted at this school. And they're all interested, it's sort of pathetic because they follow him like a god and he just clearly doesn't care. But, I'm...OK, I guess. My body is good, my hygeine is good, I'm confident in the things that I can control. But, I'm pathetic and always sort of a debby downer about my appearance so I'm convinced I'm just not in his 'league.' But then I think maybe that would be a good reason for it to work?
    We've been good friends for a while, so that might be what he's comfortable with.
    He calls me brosef? I've got no clue what this means, but I wonder if it means I'm in the friend zone.

    Anyway, thank you for anyone who reads this loooong soppy post by a lil' youngling : )

    And for the record, I guess what I'm looking for is any specific advice to a very general overview of my situation and just advice in general for how to tell if people are interested. We need a newb faq on here, haha. And feel free to ask questions, too. I just want to get some advice from people that are more experienced than me and this is about the only place I have to do that.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 26, 2012 11:39 AM GMT
    You addressed the fact that you two are best friends. In my experience, this is providing a situation where you are taking a gamble. You came out to him, and he soon afterwards came out to you. Remember that you two are best friends. The fact that you both know about one another (orientation) may just make you that much closer, rather than meaning you are right for a relationship (just making this statement known, not saying that is what it is).

    With that being said, be sure you know what can be qualified as a best friend material, rather than a hint. Your list:

    - I had to stay at school over Fall Break to work, he texted me on Thanksgiving.
    I would say best friends can do that; I would say: no hint.

    - Our friendship got a little awkward after I came out to him.
    This could be for a number of reasons, perhaps questioning why you two weren't more open to one another sooner, or maybe he is still trying to sort the feelings of the past relationship and this is big news; I would say: no hint.

    - He came out to me after his breakup (which was after I came out to him, a loooong story, haha)
    This could be a matter of trust. Are you the first person he told? If not, this might be a hint. It's hard to say, because this particular situation can depend on a lot of situations...

    - He remembers everything that I say, even if it's little things
    Again, this could easily be a best friend thing.

    - When we're in a room full of people we make eye contact all the time, even if we aren't near each other or in the same conversation
    This could possibly be a hint. Depends on whether the crowd is of familiar people or not. If you both know everyone there, then maybe.

    - Dumbest one of all, but there are a lot of little things like this. I got bored over break so I deconstructed a bunch of Oreos and combined all of the filling into one giant oreo and posted the picture on facebook. An hour later? His cover photo was of a bunch of oreos....
    Honestly, I have nothing to say about this one. Just interesting, I suppose.

    - Ooooooh, and he knows all about how scared I've been to enter into a relationship. But...I made it facebook official that I was single (ie. on the market). An hour later? You guessed it, he changed his to single as well.
    Facebook relationship titles are dangerous and should never be the source of information with stuff like this.

    - Oh, and he always tells me I'm the sweetest person he knows...
    This I could see as a hint, but again, the best friend thing.

    All of my responses to your list are just my personal opinions about the situations. Without actually being in them, it can be hard to tell as what is a hint and what isn't. My strongest advice is to not look into the Facebook scenarios too much, because those are often hard to interpret themselves...

    Please, please, please remember that there is nothing different about gay dating than straight dating (obviously except for the gender thing). Be sure you know you are attracted to the person, rather than just infatuated with the idea that you are now making friends who are also gay. This will say a lot of relationship trouble that you may encounter.
  • Romerolax

    Posts: 46

    Nov 26, 2012 12:35 PM GMT
    wow Tucsonguy u really did not leave anything more to comment on i totally agree with what u mentioned
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    Nov 26, 2012 1:27 PM GMT
    Ah, young love. You need to ask yourself if he's someone you truly want to be with. And if by choosing that you are okay with risking your friendship. This a tough and complex issue but not unusual. Weigh the pros and the cons. And then if your pros outweigh your cons, make the first move. Don't waste your life or time being alone when you could possibly have found your soul mate. But just take responsibility for yourself, whatever you decide.
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    Nov 26, 2012 2:24 PM GMT
    tucsonguy9121 said
    - When we're in a room full of people we make eye contact all the time, even if we aren't near each other or in the same conversation

    This could possibly be a hint. Depends on whether the crowd is of familiar people or not. If you both know everyone there, then maybe.

    Agree a hint, even stronger if a third person confirms it. I didn't realize how infatuated I was with a new BF until we both started getting feedback about how my eyes fixated on him at public functions we attended. I had no idea I was doing it, but it pleased me to know my affection for him was so deep & genuine to be so obvious to others.

    Unfortunately he didn't like it because he wanted to remain closeted within the straight circles he traveled, and my clearly gay interest in him threatened his "cover". That became a factor that led to our ultimate breakup.

    Not sure if the OP is feeling "puppy love" or more serious emotions, but it's clear he's feeling something. And the danger to derailing a friendship is very real, as already noted here, something that's hard for us to predict from online information alone. I could see it going either way - gain a lover or lose a friend.

    For now I think the OP should stick to the friendship-only side, and wait to see if this develops further. The friend only recently broke up, it might be suggestive if he doesn't start trying to date other guys within about 6 months.
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    Nov 26, 2012 2:41 PM GMT
    I agree with the poster above in that none of these "hints" are anything definite. Although I do have to say I'd never tell my best friend he's the "sweetest person I know". That's a little odd.

    But let me break this down for ya:

    Yes, you could be risking a great friendship if you move into a romantic relationship and it fails. It's difficult (although not impossible) to remain friends after a breakup. Also, you're only 20, so there's absolutely no reason to rush this. You live in a small town in Idaho, so it's not real likely you have a lot of hot studs sniffing his jock to compete with. I would reel it back into just a friendship and see how he reacts to that. If he's really into you, he's going to fear he's losing his chance and try and get even closer. That's when you'll know what you're dealing with. Plus, taking it back to a friend level is much safer and will cause him to reveal his motives a lot quicker (if he has any). But do this for the right reasons....to slow things down, not to play a game.
  • chris_hasting...

    Posts: 197

    Nov 26, 2012 4:27 PM GMT
    maybe its just me and the fact that it's easy for me to say 'fuck it' and leave people...

    but i probably would gamble it and just ask.

    or do little things to test him? like if you are both on the couch, maybe lean your leg up against his, or if you wanna get really passive/sneaky about it, have a friend of yours ask/joke that you and your bff are dating and test his reaction.

    but.... i'd probably just be like fuck it, and ask him nonchalantly.

    or make out with him drunk... then you got an excuse.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 26, 2012 4:42 PM GMT
    Don't judge, ad don't let the small shit annoy you. Pick your battles.
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    Nov 26, 2012 5:05 PM GMT
    One can fret, worry, wonder, imagine until the cows come home. Just ask him, then you will know.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 26, 2012 5:08 PM GMT
    chris_hastings1 saidmaybe its just me and the fact that it's easy for me to say 'fuck it' and leave people...

    but i probably would gamble it and just ask.

    or do little things to test him? like if you are both on the couch, maybe lean your leg up against his, or if you wanna get really passive/sneaky about it, have a friend of yours ask/joke that you and your bff are dating and test his reaction.

    but.... i'd probably just be like fuck it, and ask him nonchalantly.

    or make out with him drunk... then you got an excuse.


    Well, we do the whole body contact thing already so....

    But I really appreciate all the advice so far. I'm going to try and leave the friendship at the level it is at now for a while and see what happens. At some point fairly soon I'll probably ask, but now may not be the time.