Out At Work & The Cold Shoulder From Other Queers

  • swimbikerun

    Posts: 2835

    Sep 09, 2008 10:43 PM GMT
    At my last job, I was lucky enough to have several openly gay friends. It was fun being able to joke around and have other gay guys to connect with.
    At my new job, I'm the only open one. Once and a while, I run across a guy who I'm convinced is queer. I try and chat them up but rather quickly get the cold shoulder which I don't get from the straights, male or female.
    What's the deal? I work at a company that is very liberal and has special policies to recognize queers. It's not homophobic at all. Are guys really that scared to be themselves at work?
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    Sep 09, 2008 11:41 PM GMT
    I had the same problem at my university. One of my gay friends there once complained that since we hung out together all the time he was being labeled gay by association (and I was like, "but, you are") and then there were those who "believed they didn't need to impose their sexuality on others".

    Once we had this sub teacher come in, say he was gay, and asked if anyone in the class was gay. Everyone (including the lesbian, and the two other gay guys) pointed at me.

    Anywho, back to your post, it's possible that this guy is, in fact, not queer. Some straight guys just really jam the gaydar, you know?
  • swimbikerun

    Posts: 2835

    Sep 09, 2008 11:47 PM GMT
    Sure it's possible but with these two guys in particular, I'm sure they are queer. One kept checking me out and complimented my on my jacket. Later, he didn't want to talk to me at all.
    As for the other guy, more than one person inferred he's queer. He's kind of effeminate and by his looks, sure seems queer. Again after chatting a bit, I later got the strong impression he felt uncomfortable around me.
    Maybe I should start wearing pants around the office again, lol!
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    Sep 09, 2008 11:54 PM GMT
    It’s funny because a few years ago I was the first in my company to be openly out. The company is a family owned firm and there were individuals, who were out, but they were not full-time benefited individuals, and to top it off the CEO’s wife was trying to find me a nice girl at the time. For the first few months there was looks, side comments and jokes I’m sure at my expense, but gradually I was able to gain respect form even those who had pre-conceived notions of what gay was. Well years later this change there are now several openly gay individuals within the company, many who have come out since then, but many times I feel that in a situation such as this the many closeted individuals who many really want to come out do not because they hear the joke, comments etc that are being made and it is intimidating. Change takes time; sometimes you just have to stick it out.
  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    Sep 10, 2008 1:44 AM GMT
    AshLeon said Some straight guys just really jam the gaydar, you know?


    Sorry, found this hilariously dirty.
  • ScotXY

    Posts: 117

    Sep 10, 2008 1:58 AM GMT
    My experiance. I work for company that is rather large. We are 100% from HRC and have partner benefits all kinds of cool things. But.

    Lots of family members there. Sad thing in this state men are well superficial and well sad.

    They are kinda well do everything lol hah.

    go figure.
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    Sep 10, 2008 2:30 AM GMT
    I not my classmates are homophobic. I once asked a girl what would she do if she found out her best friend were gay, she said she'd stop talking to him icon_eek.gif WTF.

    Luckily my friends are very supportive, it's just my new classmates that aren't. hence I haven't told I'm gay. It's weird, everyone in school used to know I'm gay, but new city, new school and it's like being 15 again.icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Sep 10, 2008 2:42 AM GMT
    Swimbikerun - sounds like the guy may have some insecurity issues. That kind of evasiveness - the cold shoulder syndrome - can be kinda common, unfort. I recommend you make a concerted effort (at least one more time) to connect with him in some way...

    At my current company, there was a guy who I'd seen out and about at the bars and who gave me the cold shoulder and the evil eye when I'd see him out... I finally just went up and bought him a drink one night and that seem to break the ice. From that point on, we were like peas and carrots... though we still would never would scream across our office at each other when a Madonna song came on the radio. ;)
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    Sep 10, 2008 2:46 AM GMT
    I work for a university, on it's main campus, and am astounded by the number of homos who also work there who are ready to jump out of their skin if you even nod in a friendly manner.

    Fear is ugly.
  • swimbikerun

    Posts: 2835

    Sep 10, 2008 2:48 AM GMT
    I should've been clearer in my original posting. There's one guy currently I've tried to talk to, cold shoulder. And there was another guy who I tried to talk to, cold shoulder. So far, I'm 2-0 at work.
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    Sep 10, 2008 2:50 AM GMT
    But it's still sad that it's only 2.

    2 people who really have no reason to fear you and treat you disrespectfully.

    Sad.

    I just keep saying Hi, purposefully without any sort of knowing tongue in cheek tone. Just a friendly Hi.
  • swimbikerun

    Posts: 2835

    Sep 10, 2008 3:02 AM GMT
    RunintheCity saidBut it's still sad that it's only 2.

    2 people who really have no reason to fear you and treat you disrespectfully.

    Sad.

    I just keep saying Hi, purposefully without any sort of knowing tongue in cheek tone. Just a friendly Hi.

    This is something to keep in mind. No one should be afraid if I say "hi", right? Though maybe I shouldn't wear my "Jason the Hockey Killer" mask.
  • Koaa2

    Posts: 1556

    Sep 10, 2008 3:31 AM GMT
    I am very surprised at this, since you live in LA, one of the gayest cities in the country. Maybe let up a little, focus on your work, gay friends outside, and things will just happen.
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    Sep 10, 2008 3:55 AM GMT
    swimbikerun said
    This is something to keep in mind. No one should be afraid if I say "hi", right? Though maybe I shouldn't wear my "Jason the Hockey Killer" mask.


    No, no, you can keep the Jason mask, just, like, put a happy face sticker on it.
  • D972

    Posts: 125

    Sep 13, 2008 1:57 AM GMT
    I once had to say the following expression to a fellow gay coworker, who saw me at a gay club once and the started to semi harrass me at work.

    "Just because we eat the same meat does not mean i'd invite you to my table."

    Simply put, being gay doesn't mean that you guys have to be the best of friends or friends. Maybe your coworkers consider the job to be "just a job" and aren't there to socialize? Maybe they just don't like your demeanor, your personality, or whatever.

    I don't see all the straight people hanging out... why would you expect the gays to have a special rapport with you? Don't take this the wrong way, I'm sure you are a nice guy, but maybe your expectations are a little misplaced?
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    Aug 29, 2010 10:39 AM GMT
    I have always thought of it as finding out that someone at work is some form of a distant cousin, or grew up in the same place I did - there's something extra to talk about and it might end up that it's something you (socially) connect over.

    For some people it can be a fear of being outed, or part of the "I may be gay but I don't ACT gay or hang out with gay people so straight people will like me more" syndrome.

    I've worked with asian and black people who had the same complaint about other asians or blacks in the company.

    Or maybe it's just people in LA who can be weirdly unfriendly for inexplicable reasons.