Keep going? Or walk away? - updated

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 27, 2012 7:02 PM GMT
    I been with my guy for almost 8 years now, we've been through ups and downs, great time, funs, cheats, lies, fights, arguments, trust and distrust, u name it we probably did.

    The first half of this year though, I've been through some internal growth/depression, which result in my nasty mood and rudeness to him (call it a form of verbal abuse). It escalated when we had our biggest fight, concluding that we don't trust each other because of our histories, and me breaking up with him. (We're still live together, share same bed, etc, til this day). On August he started seeing this other kid, (I should mention that he's open to polyamorous) and they're still hanging til this day.

    He says that I'm his other half, that i mean the world to him. I feel like he keeps this other kid around just in case things between us don't work out, then he has someone. I did try to leave him in Nov, but he was a wreck the day after, so i came back to stay at our apartment still. Yes, he still spends time with this kid, sometimes spending a night or two while I'm at our apartment alone. He asked me to wait for him to sort things out.

    Part of me feel i don't mind being with him for the rest of my life, yet i feel like this is not right. Whenever i see this kid I'm reminded of all the times i cry or was depressed knowing he's over there sleeping together or having another relationship.

    I think want to keep on fighting for this relationship because we always seem to make it through, but the thought of him loving someone else the way he loves me just really breaks my heart, and starting to take its toll on me.
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    Nov 27, 2012 7:16 PM GMT
    Nobody can make the decision for you, but personally I'd get away from him. It's not a way to live and it sounds like a toxic relationship. I have friend that is going through something similar. She complains about her fiance of 8 years to me all the time (with good reason) and yet she stays with him cause she's afraid of the change and she's afraid she wouldn't find anybody else. Truth is, you've been with this person for so long that your probably just scared of the unknown like my friend. Cause being with this person is all you know. But ask yourself, do you really love him or are you just scared of feeling alone? Don't be afraid of change my friend!

    I’m afraid that some times you’ll play lonely games too. Games you can’t win ‘cause you’ll play against you. All Alone!
    Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you’ll be quite a lot. - Dr Seuss
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    Nov 28, 2012 12:18 AM GMT
    Here's something I've learned the hard way because I'm one of those people who fall in love and fight to the last minute to make a relationship work. The unfortunate truth is that love isn't enough for a strong healthy relationship. Just because you love someone or something doesn't mean it's in your best interest. You can love alcohol but that doesn't mean it's good for you. Step back and take a look at the whole picture, generally if you have to work and fight for your relationship it isn't love. Get out before you waste another 8 years.
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    Nov 28, 2012 12:21 AM GMT
    Who said life was fair?

    What you are going thru is what all relationships goes through. Is called the "test of living with someone you dont know nothing about".
    In relationships there are also milestones which you have to endured.

    Kudos for you and a tissue.
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    Nov 28, 2012 1:40 AM GMT
    JDavis and Tonka are offering some good pieces of advice in my opinion.

    I'll add my own. I went through something which was similar to what you are going through. I can say it is better to leave when you find yourself working too hard to make things work. The experience of leaving will change you forever, and you may even experience some psychological/emotional trauma in the first few years of the breakup, but you will be happier in the long run. Good luck.

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    Nov 28, 2012 2:17 AM GMT
    Throw your dices......a relationship that will stand against time is very hard to come by with the society we have now a day. It is possible but very hard. Especially the one with the attributes or characteristics you are looking for.
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    Nov 28, 2012 8:27 AM GMT
    You should read (or see) "Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolf?" That sounds a bit like your relationship, although Albee probably had better words to throw around than you two do. It was a great play to watch, but I can't imagine anyone actually liking to be in your kind of relationship. But if that's what you really need, you should hang in there, because these abusive relationships are hard to come by in today's gay world.
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    Nov 28, 2012 6:14 PM GMT
    Thanks for all the kind words guys it'll really help and I'm taking them in my thoughts.

    JDavis - Yea being with him this long, it is all I know right now. I don't think I'm afraid of being alone, I just feel like if I leave, I won't get to find out what the future holds. =/

    Tonka - That is true that love isn't enough, but isn't working and fighting for a relationship shows commitment? I feel like that notion of... when a couple can overcome issues that are supposed to tear them apart (we have lots) it means that they'll strong... have a lot of weight.

    - Yep life isn't fair. Sometimes you gotta compromise to get what you want, but man, this time the compromise is just... wow...

    mbio - lol possible traumas for first few years eh.. may be I'll just stay lol kidding but I'll have to look at the bigger picture, see all the pieces

    Genuinity - yea sometimes time does heal all things, sometimes..

    Puppenjunge - never heard of that book/play, but I will check it out, hopefully its on kindle lol, but that last part that you said, that is possibly true because I kept telling myself the past few months that sometime about this is just not right, yet something just feels right..

    I just couldn't help feeling that if I leave, I'm just giving whoever (including this new kid) a clear path to my guy's heart. icon_confused.gif And may be that's fine.
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    Nov 28, 2012 6:33 PM GMT
    Honestly? I think you're in love with the drama. I could be totally off base but it might be something you should consider.
  • seer1989

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    Nov 29, 2012 5:15 AM GMT
    [quote][cite]Tonka said[/cite] Just because you love someone or something doesn't mean it's in your best interest. You can love alcohol but that doesn't mean it's good for you. quote]

    HAHA-LOVE IT-so true<3
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    Dec 14, 2012 3:33 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidHonestly? I think you're in love with the drama. I could be totally off base but it might be something you should consider.


    Crap, I think you're right, if drama and problem are the same. I was reading a comment today "not my problem, he's his problem now." Then I thought "there're bound to be problems in relationship and I don't mind working through them." Gonna learn to let go.
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    Dec 15, 2012 6:20 PM GMT
    I am sorry for your pain. You're story made me remember some of my past relationships and those are tough memories.

    Perhaps try to think about your relationship in a bit more grayscale, versus black-and-white? Could the two of you decide to take 6 months apart without any communication and see what life is like just living and being single. Often times if you separate for a bit, you can grow very rapidly from the experience. You will be able to objectively reflect on what you did right, and what you did wrong, and you can also perhaps figure out some really key questions to ask each other when you do reunite as friends.

    These kind of arrangement is very tricky, indeed. You have to be totally open an hones with your guy that you want a break, and that your need time to sort out life, but that you will return in 6 months to catch up. It will give both of you time to be individuals and re-evaluate. 8 years is a long time. 6 months could be worth investing to strengthen the relationship.

    Often times I believe as humans we try to over-fix things. Fix Fix Fix! it is exhausting. Taking a step back and time apart could be equally therapeutic. Even if you both do not get back together, at least you know you will still communicate. Just be open to the fact that one of you might end up meeting someone new. (Which doesn't necessarily mean you still can't reconnect with each other.)
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    Dec 26, 2012 7:54 AM GMT
    JerseyJames75 saidI am sorry for your pain. You're story made me remember some of my past relationships and those are tough memories.

    Perhaps try to think about your relationship in a bit more grayscale, versus black-and-white? Could the two of you decide to take 6 months apart without any communication and see what life is like just living and being single. Often times if you separate for a bit, you can grow very rapidly from the experience. You will be able to objectively reflect on what you did right, and what you did wrong, and you can also perhaps figure out some really key questions to ask each other when you do reunite as friends.

    These kind of arrangement is very tricky, indeed. You have to be totally open an hones with your guy that you want a break, and that your need time to sort out life, but that you will return in 6 months to catch up. It will give both of you time to be individuals and re-evaluate. 8 years is a long time. 6 months could be worth investing to strengthen the relationship.

    Often times I believe as humans we try to over-fix things. Fix Fix Fix! it is exhausting. Taking a step back and time apart could be equally therapeutic. Even if you both do not get back together, at least you know you will still communicate. Just be open to the fact that one of you might end up meeting someone new. (Which doesn't necessarily mean you still can't reconnect with each other.)


    I've been leaning toward the clean break, taking a break from each other because i've already "moved out" a month ago, yet I still came back and still living together, yea I feel stupid sometimes. I just don't feel right leaving him alone, and this is my home through all these years. I'll try my best to put my energy and emotion together to really take a break after the holidays.

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    Jan 14, 2013 6:22 AM GMT
    It's been a few hours since I just left him.

    We had another pretty big argument earlier, a lot of yelling and screaming, then some calm talking. I decided that I'm just done, packed my shit and left.

    All that argument started because he went to stay at that kid's place during the weekend, a day and a half as he put it. Left at like 1am sat and came back around 5pm sun. When he finally came back, we talked about how we need counseling because he still have resentment against me. Yet, I just have that feeling in the back of my mind, so I texted the kid to see what is going on. Said they're still intimate and thought we were friends that's why he kept seeing him. I confronted him about it, show him the texts. The major part was him reading about the kid saying he's 'manipulative' (I'm paraphrasing) and that I agree instead of defending him. I did ask not to know any business that went on between him and the kid because it already hurt me and will hurt me, I just didn't expect them to keep being intimate when he told me they're just friends. He threw my phone, yelled at me to get out, that I don't know him at all to be "agreeing" to that shit instead of defending him that he's not "manipulative." I just said fuck this so I packed my shit and left to my parent's.

    Of course that was not all that happened. There was lot lot lot more that was said but I'm too tired to type them all out right now. I guess he talked a lot about the flaws I have.

    I felt the need to say this here because this was the first forum I came to to spill all this out. Also I still haven't told any of my close friends yet, just not looking forward to those talks.

    I guess I'll delete this post some days later, and all the other posts on other forums too, just don't want all this drama circulating around and be done with it.

    Life goes on. =/
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    Jan 16, 2013 2:52 AM GMT
    PhilipFillup saidIt's been a few hours since I just left him.

    We had another pretty big argument earlier, a lot of yelling and screaming, then some calm talking. I decided that I'm just done, packed my shit and left.

    All that argument started because he went to stay at that kid's place during the weekend, a day and a half as he put it. Left at like 1am sat and came back around 5pm sun. When he finally came back, we talked about how we need counseling because he still have resentment against me. Yet, I just have that feeling in the back of my mind, so I texted the kid to see what is going on. Said they're still intimate and thought we were friends that's why he kept seeing him. I confronted him about it, show him the texts. The major part was him reading about the kid saying he's 'manipulative' (I'm paraphrasing) and that I agree instead of defending him. I did ask not to know any business that went on between him and the kid because it already hurt me and will hurt me, I just didn't expect them to keep being intimate when he told me they're just friends. He threw my phone, yelled at me to get out, that I don't know him at all to be "agreeing" to that shit instead of defending him that he's not "manipulative." I just said fuck this so I packed my shit and left to my parent's.

    Of course that was not all that happened. There was lot lot lot more that was said but I'm too tired to type them all out right now. I guess he talked a lot about the flaws I have.

    I felt the need to say this here because this was the first forum I came to to spill all this out. Also I still haven't told any of my close friends yet, just not looking forward to those talks.

    I guess I'll delete this post some days later, and all the other posts on other forums too, just don't want all this drama circulating around and be done with it.

    Life goes on. =/


    Not communicating is a form of communication in itself. You need a break. It's too much and there doesn't seem to be any kind of productive healing happening while you two are in communication. Spend some time apart focusing on you, and your goals with the intent of bettering your life. You're silence doesn't have to be forever, but for right now it might be best.
  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Jan 16, 2013 7:28 PM GMT
    I'm sorry to hear about this, Phillip. But you did the right thing in confronting him and leaving. You took your sel-respect and walked away as you should. I hope you feel better soon. Keep walking away from him.