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I'm not gay, I have borderline personality disorder

  • Posted by a hidden member.Log in to view his profile
    QUOTE Nov 29, 2012 12:11 AM GMT
    Hey guys. I need some advice if ya don't mind. There is this kid I know and yesterday we had a serious conversation on the phone. He was asking me if I knew about a rumor going on that he was gay. I know he's been having a hard time lately because I think he is at his breaking point and wants to come out to someone but is scared and in denial. He really likes me, though he doesn't know at all that I'm gay, and I guess he trusted me enough to have this conversation.

    I told him that it was brought to my attention but I thought nothing of it because I don't dwindle on what I don't know for sure, although through personal experiences I am pretty sure he is gay, and I don't get involved in rumors and other drama. He then asks me what I think about his sexual orientation and I told him that I honestly felt that he was and that it is by no means a bad thing. I was very supportive about it and trying to make him feel comfortable by letting him know that I completely support the gay community, again he thinks i'm straight. I then told him that this isn't a conversation for text and that it'd be best to discuss this in person because this topic is important for him.

    I see him the next day and he says that he is not gay. That he has borderline personality disorder and he will explain it to me when were in a more private environment. I look this up when I get home and I'm kinda shocked by what I read. I want to talk to him and say that there's nothing wrong with him, he's completely normal. I do not, however, want to aggravate him or make the situation worse. He's a pretty emotional guy.

    How should I go about doing this? It's the first time I've dealt with a situation like this and I don't want to screw it up although I feel as if I've done what I can for the moment. I personally just refuse to believe that he has a "problem" and is "messed up in the head" as he claims.

    Any and all feedback is appreciated. Thanks!
  • bhp91126 Posts: 4876
    QUOTE Nov 29, 2012 12:14 AM GMT
    Is there any reason for you not to come out to him? Without that you come over as dishonest.
  • Posted by a hidden member.Log in to view his profile
    QUOTE Nov 29, 2012 12:17 AM GMT
    If he believes he's broken, there's nothing you can do to fix. Just be a friend and listen to what he has to say about who he thinks he is.
  • Posted by a hidden member.Log in to view his profile
    QUOTE Nov 29, 2012 1:09 AM GMT
    If you think that he is at his "Breaking Point" and he claims that he's "Messed up in the head", you should just try to be supportive of him (especially if you're the only one he confides in). Who knows how much He has bottled up.

    If he trusts you so much, he might look up to you in a way. Therefore, you coming out to him might not be such a bad thing. It'd create a whole new level of friendship between you two.



  • Posted by a hidden member.Log in to view his profile
    QUOTE Nov 29, 2012 11:16 AM GMT
    How does he know he has Borderline Personality Disorder? He cannot just diagnose himself from reading a list of criteria online.
  • Posted by a hidden member.Log in to view his profile
    QUOTE Nov 29, 2012 12:12 PM GMT
    bhp91126 saidIs there any reason for you not to come out to him? Without that you come over as dishonest.
    Ding ding! We have a winner!

    Don't expect him to have an honest conversation with you if you can't be vulnerable with him.
  • FireDoor211 Posts: 1030
    QUOTE Nov 29, 2012 12:30 PM GMT
    Dude, BPD is some serious stuff. If he really is afflicted with this then you can only ever believe maybe 5% of what he says. It might be good to listen, and be there for him, but I wouldn't get too involved in him or his life. You'd just end up being another person for him to manipulate. He may in fact already realize you're gay, and might be using this "I have a gay issue" thing as a way to get you to come out to him so he can use it to his advantage. Just on the off chance that he may actually have BPD I would keep a safe distance. Be cautious for sure.
  • Posted by a hidden member.Log in to view his profile
    QUOTE Nov 29, 2012 12:41 PM GMT
    You should tell him how good life is in your closet and tell him you have plenty of space available. WTF?
    Tell him, if you are healthy, "as a healthy, out, gay man, there is nothing wrong with your sexuality. Do not look for psychologists to find out what is wrong with you, you like men. Move on."
    Of course, if you are a big giant closet case, ashamed of who you are and hiding behind your assumed hetrosexuality then you are playing the same game he is.
  • Posted by a hidden member.Log in to view his profile
    QUOTE Nov 29, 2012 12:54 PM GMT
    how does having BPD make people think ur gay?

    This story is confusing
  • ThatSwimmerGu... Posts: 3149
    QUOTE Nov 29, 2012 2:26 PM GMT
    He trusts you. You should talk to him first and towards the end of the conversation tell him you're gay.
  • braynes77 Posts: 123
    QUOTE Nov 29, 2012 2:40 PM GMT
    I'm not gay either. I'm just heterosexually challenged.icon_biggrin.gificon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.Log in to view his profile
    QUOTE Nov 29, 2012 2:40 PM GMT
    CACrossFit said
    Tenebrism said
    bhp91126 saidIs there any reason for you not to come out to him? Without that you come over as dishonest.
    Ding ding! We have a winner!

    Don't expect him to have an honest conversation with you if you can't be vulnerable with him.


    Thank you! Exactly what I would have said.


    My thoughts exactly. I would have had the nads to tell him you were gay that would elicit trust and someone he could come to. You just exasperated the situation my not coming out to HIM.
  • DanOmatic Posts: 1141
    QUOTE Nov 29, 2012 2:50 PM GMT
    FireDoor211 saidDude, BPD is some serious stuff. If he really is afflicted with this then you can only ever believe maybe 5% of what he says. It might be good to listen, and be there for him, but I wouldn't get too involved in him or his life. You'd just end up being another person for him to manipulate. He may in fact already realize you're gay, and might be using this "I have a gay issue" thing as a way to get you to come out to him so he can use it to his advantage. Just on the off chance that he may actually have BPD I would keep a safe distance. Be cautious for sure.


    This was my initial thought as well. I think that being gay is one million times easier and less of an issue than being afflicted with BPD.
  • Posted by a hidden member.Log in to view his profile
    QUOTE Nov 29, 2012 2:51 PM GMT
    Blakes7 saidHow does he know he has Borderline Personality Disorder? He cannot just diagnose himself from reading a list of criteria online.

    Agreed. What he needs is a competent, professional evaluation. Preferably by someone friendly who works with the gay community, and doesn't think being gay is a mental disorder. And then he can pursue clinical therapy if it's indicated. Whatever he has or is, this is likely outside the skills of the OP, who might only entangle himself in a mess, and possibly do harm to the OP.
  • Posted by a hidden member.Log in to view his profile
    QUOTE Nov 29, 2012 2:55 PM GMT
    Borderline Personality Disorder is just one thing he may be suffering from, it is often accompanied by other issues such as depression or anxiety, and it also a "catchall" term that people get from shrinks when they can't find out what is really wrong... don't try and be his shrink, but be a good friend and tell him you are gay....
  • Posted by a hidden member.Log in to view his profile
    QUOTE Nov 29, 2012 3:02 PM GMT
    a) you mean "dwell", not "dwindle".

    b) you say you told him that you thought he was gay. how do YOU know that and why would you set yourself up as the one who determines this (how about letting him do that).

    c) you say there's nothing wrong with him, that he's "gay" not that he has borderline personality disorder. how do YOU know what he has in terms of psychological health? maybe he is gay AND has borderline personality disorder; maybe he's straight AND has borderline personality disorder; maybe he is gay and is just saying he has borderline personality disorder now because he's afraid of the conversation he had with you previously about his sexual orientation...

    the point is you're not a psychologist so you can't assume anything about his mental health.

    d) I dunno. now I'm bored with the topic.
  • Medjai Posts: 2671
    QUOTE Nov 29, 2012 3:13 PM GMT
    Roguewave said
    CACrossFit said
    Tenebrism said
    bhp91126 saidIs there any reason for you not to come out to him? Without that you come over as dishonest.
    Ding ding! We have a winner!

    Don't expect him to have an honest conversation with you if you can't be vulnerable with him.


    Thank you! Exactly what I would have said.


    My thoughts exactly. I would have had the nads to tell him you were gay that would elicit trust and someone he could come to. You just exasperated the situation my not coming out to HIM.


    I really fail to see why not coming out constitutes a breach of trust. It is not relevant to supporting another.

    ART_DECO said
    Blakes7 saidHow does he know he has Borderline Personality Disorder? He cannot just diagnose himself from reading a list of criteria online.

    Agreed. What he needs is a competent, professional evaluation. Preferably by someone friendly who works with the gay community, and doesn't think being gay is a mental disorder. And then he can pursue clinical therapy if it's indicated. Whatever he has or is, this is likely outside the skills of the OP, who might only entangle himself in a mess, and possibly do harm to the OP.


    It's why we use doctors instead of WebMD. The Internet diagnoses us with the worst case scenario, but a professional will be much more realistic.
  • Posted by a hidden member.Log in to view his profile
    QUOTE Nov 29, 2012 4:37 PM GMT
    I don't really see how me coming out to him will help the situation if he doesn't even suspect that i'm gay. He came to me and wanted to talk to me so that's what I did, I listened and tried to let him know that he has a friend and shouldn't think of himself that way. My personal life has nothing to do with it.

    I am by no means trying to MAKE him come out and I do know for a fact that he is gay because he came out to a fellow teammate of mine. He also didn't know I understood spanish and he said that "I was his boyfriend and his alone." This is why i'm reluctant to come out to him. I'm not trying to be his "psychiatrist" or "doctor" or whatever. Coming out isn't a problem for me, I'm not afraid. It just wouldn't be convenient for me right now so I do have a reason for not telling him.

    He told me he has it because he looked up the symptoms online and he and his parents were afraid of the "results". That's why I don't believe he has it and I think he's just in denial. It's just hard for me to sit by and watch him do this to himself jut because of some stupid online results.

    I hope this cleared up some of the questions.

    Oh and to UglyAmerican I'll work on the grammar ;)
  • LJay Posts: 11253
    QUOTE Nov 29, 2012 5:11 PM GMT
    I think that Art Deco's post makes a lot of sense. Your friend is coming to you for help and it is good that you are willing to support him, but if he really has serious problems he needs not only professional diagnosis but also professional followup.

    As for your coming out, I have a feeling that it may just complicate matters. He may already have a good idea and all that. If not, why add to the mix of things to deal with?

    I think it is great that you are there as a friend and sounding board. Help him get more help and stand by him. We can all use that.
  • Posted by a hidden member.Log in to view his profile
    QUOTE Nov 29, 2012 5:19 PM GMT
    Tell him you're gay, as just a a matter of decency.

    If thinks he has borderline, tell him to see a professional.

    If he is truly borderline chances are that you will need to get rid of him.

    He sounds too head fucked for anyone who is not a pro to deal with.

  • Posted by a hidden member.Log in to view his profile
    QUOTE Nov 29, 2012 5:25 PM GMT
    bhp91126 saidIs there any reason for you not to come out to him? Without that you come over as dishonest.


    Yes, you need to come out to him otherwise you are reinforcing his notion that there is something wrong with it, something you should be ashamed of, and something you should hide.
  • Posted by a hidden member.Log in to view his profile
    QUOTE Nov 29, 2012 5:40 PM GMT
    Roguewave said
    CACrossFit said
    Tenebrism said
    bhp91126 saidIs there any reason for you not to come out to him? Without that you come over as dishonest.
    Ding ding! We have a winner!

    Don't expect him to have an honest conversation with you if you can't be vulnerable with him.


    Thank you! Exactly what I would have said.


    My thoughts exactly. I would have had the nads to tell him you were gay that would elicit trust and someone he could come to. You just exasperated the situation my not coming out to HIM.


    Agree with all of these^. Expecting honesty while not being honest yourself is quite a double standard.
  • mickeytopogig... Posts: 5625
    QUOTE Nov 29, 2012 5:45 PM GMT
    All of this sounds backwards. It's clearly you who has to come out. Obviously he suspects that you are gay, which is why he came to you for advice--about being gay. If he believed you were BPD, he'd have a good reason for coming to you for advice about that.
  • onefortified Posts: 1629
    QUOTE Nov 29, 2012 6:02 PM GMT
    Flyguy18 saidI don't really see how me coming out to him will help the situation if he doesn't even suspect that i'm gay. He came to me and wanted to talk to me so that's what I did, I listened and tried to let him know that he has a friend and shouldn't think of himself that way. My personal life has nothing to do with it.

    I am by no means trying to MAKE him come out and I do know for a fact that he is gay because he came out to a fellow teammate of mine. He also didn't know I understood spanish and he said that "I was his boyfriend and his alone." This is why i'm reluctant to come out to him. I'm not trying to be his "psychiatrist" or "doctor" or whatever. Coming out isn't a problem for me, I'm not afraid. It just wouldn't be convenient for me right now so I do have a reason for not telling him.

    He told me he has it because he looked up the symptoms online and he and his parents were afraid of the "results". That's why I don't believe he has it and I think he's just in denial. It's just hard for me to sit by and watch him do this to himself jut because of some stupid online results.

    I hope this cleared up some of the questions.

    Oh and to UglyAmerican I'll work on the grammar ;)


    How is it an inconvenience? It clear that he felt comfortable enough with you to come to you with his problems possibly/likely because he already suspects you are gay. If he likes you more than a friend, but you don't like him in that manner you can just explain that to him. As Mickey has stated, I think you might be the one with the problem.
  • Posted by a hidden member.Log in to view his profile
    QUOTE Nov 29, 2012 6:14 PM GMT
    Let me see if I understood....

    Your teammate has told someone else that he likes you. He is too self-loathing or scared to come out, and instead has manufactured an idea that he is mentally ill.

    You refuse to tell him that you too are gay because you don't want to be the target of his affections. ("Coming out isn't a problem for me, I'm not afraid. It just wouldn't be convenient for me right now so I do have a reason for not telling him.")

    So the two of you are trying to talk to each other about a mutually shared attraction to dick without ever being able to say the words "I'm gay"?
    The choice here is simple. Either:

    1. Admit to him that you too are gay and take your friendship to a new level of trust, honesty and support. (Irregardless of his crush, you might find that it would be good for you - an 18 yo guy - to have a gay friend who you can trust.)

    2. Distance yourself from him and move on with your life. You are 18 - there will be plenty of other dramas to grab hold of you in a few years.