Continuing the Journey Without Mom - One Year Later

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    Dec 02, 2012 6:20 AM GMT
    Tomorrow marks the anniversary of my mother's passing. I thank everyone who posted on the forum topic I created last December (http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/2035918/).

    I still miss her, but so much has happened in the past year to make me realize the importance of living in the present and trusting one's instincts. A quick summary of my 2012:

    I started my new job as a library desk clerk for the city. It has given me the calmness and stability I yearned for while I traveled for a living, as well as the means and motivation to go back to school and make a little more of myself.

    I had the pleasure of welcoming my younger brother as a roommate when he no longer had a place to stay. Living together has been a blast...it made me see how much he has matured and grown as a person. He was my unfailing shoulder, and he helped his big bro find his smile again.

    I looked after my father and his affairs for 3 weeks after finding him ill and getting him to a hospital. My line of the year, albeit said with complete seriousness at the moment, may have been, "No Dad, you can't sleep off pneumonia."
    My mother also looked after him a year before her own passing. I felt what she must have also experienced because of this: a sense of finally being able to forgive the past, and live for today.

    I started dating again, keeping an open mind, and appreciating people for their strong points. I had to get over losing my last ex as a result of my depression, our long distance situation, and the loss of his own father. It took time, but I can look back now and see that I was meant to stay in town instead of moving away to be with him.

    Being able to let go of what is gone and to stop fixating on loss has been a key lesson; I literally count my blessings regularly, and I have a small but loyal and trustworthy circle of beloved friends and family who remind me that I am still ridiculously blessed in my life.

    I also better appreciate how important I am to them, and how I need to look after myself properly in order to be good to them.
    And yes, I know that's what Mom would have wanted. icon_smile.gif

    P.S. To my RJ brothers: I thank you for the entertaining discussions, enlightening tips, and for reading and putting up with my macho/bizarre/sometimes crazy posts in the forums. You're a pretty awesome community!

    John



  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Dec 02, 2012 7:40 AM GMT
    Awwww ... big hugz go out to you ... time is the great healer ... hang in there icon_smile.gif
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    Dec 02, 2012 1:52 PM GMT
    I remember your post like it was yesterday because it had instant brought tears to my eyes. I am so glad you posted again and it did the same thing. Cherish the memories of her, my friend. In your onward journey through life, they will keep her by your side. Hugs. icon_smile.gif
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    Dec 02, 2012 3:11 PM GMT
    Thanks for posting that. As someone who is always slightly held back by my fear of change and loss, I needed to read that.
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    Dec 02, 2012 3:19 PM GMT
    I can't imagine losing my mom. Good luck to you.
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    Dec 02, 2012 3:44 PM GMT


    "I also better appreciate how important I am to them, and how I need to look after myself properly in order to be good to them.
    And yes, I know that's what Mom would have wanted. "

    *feels surge of happiness reading this*
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    Dec 02, 2012 4:25 PM GMT
    This is one of the most genuine and uplifting posts I've read on RJ. You have the intellectual capacity and emotional awareness of someone twice your age. Here's to your continued success!
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    Dec 02, 2012 5:30 PM GMT
    You're an inspiration and may your grace thrive forward.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 02, 2012 5:39 PM GMT
    Bravo to you for all of your great progresses and thanks for posting. Keep smiling and cherish the memories.
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    Dec 02, 2012 6:19 PM GMT
    It's hard to hold back the tears
    To take solace in the tasks of everyday life
    And continue without the love we all hold dear

    Happiness once came so much easier
    All I had to do was look at my mom and smile
    But now she's not here and all I have is miles ahead of me without her.

    So I fake a peaceful moment and tell myself I'm happy though I'm dying inside.
    I don't know why life is so painful.
    I was a good son. What did I do to deserve this?

    I want you back so badly that I would take you with your dementia
    With your cancer, with your convulsions.
    With the heart broken by the death of your own mom that always smiled and loved me.

    Sharing your heart freely with your brother, you're a good man. Her children as friends, wouldn't your mom love to see that.

    PS, Very funny that bit about your dad. Humor gets us through.

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    Dec 03, 2012 12:29 AM GMT
    God Bless.
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    Dec 03, 2012 9:44 AM GMT
    Thanks for all the kind words, everyone.
    I'd also like you guys to know that I'm here to talk to now or in the future, should any of you find yourselves in a similar situation and need advice or a few words of encouragement. icon_smile.gif
  • shutoman

    Posts: 505

    Dec 03, 2012 1:04 PM GMT
    What a great post - you have succeeded in inspiring someone (er, considerably) older than yourself. We should be thanking you!
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    Dec 03, 2012 1:07 PM GMT
    Hey mate, I know it's tuff, but I'm sending you hugs and positive energy. Stay strong, knowing that mum is in a better place.

    Cheers,

    Sean
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    Dec 03, 2012 1:22 PM GMT
    Moved by your post. Never knew my own parents, since they died when I was 2 1/2 years old. So your OP is a beautiful insight how that relationship could be.
    But as someone raised by grandparents with a grandfather/father-figure who died when I was 16; I can understand that sudden loss of the glue that holds the family together. Your perspective and insight into your situation are refreshingly beautiful and inspiring. Thank you for posting.
    Hugs*** =')
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Dec 03, 2012 1:57 PM GMT
    Very glad you are doing well. I was 24 when my mother passed away and while she was ill for some time prior, it was quite an earthquake.

    Sounds like you have made some very productive changes in your life, glad you are handling things as well as you are and now taking the initiative to improve your life.....and above all to share how you are doing with the changes. I remember your thread last year, appreciate the update!
    Happy Holidays!

    icon_biggrin.gif
  • drypin

    Posts: 1798

    Dec 03, 2012 2:33 PM GMT
    Wonderful post, OP. Mom passed two years ago this past June. The punched-in-the-stomach feelings have passed but she's still missed regularly. However... according to my husband, I channel her on a regular basis - especially her "who-do-you-think-you're-bullshitting?" look - so she can't be too far away.
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    Dec 03, 2012 3:07 PM GMT
    My Mother died at 75 in 1992, my Father at 85 in 1997.

    I still miss them greatly, often say to my partner that I wish they were here. He'll tell you I'm always saying things like: "Dad would be surprised I'm eating this. He always complained I was a picky eater, and here I am eating the same things he did." Silly stuff, frivolous stuff, but I think of them always.

    I discovered around age 45 that I had turned into my Father, in more ways than one without my intending it, along with a bit of my Mother. And that isn't a bad thing.

    Unlike some gay sons and their parents I loved them both, despite an often rocky relationship, which I think isn't uncommon with most sons, gay or straight.

    By now they likely would have been gone anyway, my Father over 100 today, my Mother in her mid-90s. That is the order of the World.

    But I remember them as the child I was, and the parents they were, forever young & vibrant in my memories. Clever & witty, beautiful & handsome, helpful but hurtful at times, always the rocks in my life, the anchors, who weathered every storm, solved every problem.

    I hope the OP has similar memories of his Mother. I will always by my Parents' son, and I'm not ashamed to say it. All that I am I credit to them. My regret is that they aren't here now that I can tell them that again, and show them where I am today. I don't think it's a weakness to say you miss your late Parents.
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    Dec 03, 2012 3:41 PM GMT
    So sorry for your loss but I'm very proud and happy for your optimism! If theres anything we can do to help please let us know!

    This makes me sad that I don't appreciate my mom more and snap on her for little reasons. I'm not a bad son, but I could be better and I should make an effort to do that.
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    Dec 03, 2012 3:55 PM GMT
    It's never easy to lose a parent and for those that have both, enjoy them while they are here. I, like some, have lost both of mine and like you John, miss them dearly. Memories are the one thing that can never be taken away so keep them fresh and enjoy them. I'm glad you're able to move forward in such a positive way and that the RJ community was so supportive.

    You can say what you want about the bickering and such here but one thing you can't say is that the RJ community isn't supportive! Here's to an even better 2013!
  • hawkeye7

    Posts: 565

    Dec 03, 2012 4:06 PM GMT
    wow.....I lost my dad in may and it has been a real challenge for me to live in rural Tennessee to stay with my mom. We both have come to understand that I can not stay there so I am in Atlanta looking for a new job.
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    Dec 03, 2012 4:08 PM GMT
    This has been one of the hardest threads to read. I can't imagine what all of you have gone through. You are all right though, keep your loved ones close to you by reliving those special moments that you guys enjoyed together. Life is hard, it was meant to be this way, but losing a parent must be one of the most devastating moments that a person endures. My condolences to the OP and to everyone else who has shared their beautiful stories.