Gay friends try to tell me what to accept from my friends.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 02, 2012 6:45 AM GMT
    My roommate makes fun of me for being gay, multiple times per day. We have been friends a long time and he does not have an ounce of homophobia in him. We have a relationship where we just make fun of everything about each other. He has never once said anything that offended me personally.

    My gay friend was over at my house tonight. He is a champion of all things gay and the president of the gay student union. As my roommate was leaving he made a joke about me being gay. After he left my gay friend (and his sidekick) told me that my roommates behavior is unacceptable and that I should submit a harassment report. When I told them I was fine, they got mad and called me an uncle tom and asked me how I would feel if my roommate made fun of me for being black......

    He has never made any such comments toward them and is extremely nice to all of my gay friends. Why do people feel like I can't make these decisions for myself. I think sometimes guys get a little carried away with their crusade against homophobia
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Dec 02, 2012 7:25 AM GMT
    They are not friends with him, so they can't understand where he is coming from and obviously they are not that good of friends with you because they don't trust your judgement ... If they went so far as to call you an Uncle Tom, I would look for some new friends ... they don't sound like they are very good "friends".
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Dec 02, 2012 7:52 AM GMT
    Yeah. amoonhawk is right. One thing I learned long ago is just because guys are gay doesn't mean they have anything much in common. Or, put another way, one's sexual orientation shouldn't be the basis on which we build our friendships. Yes I have gay friends. I also have straight friends. Friends are friends because of who we are to one another, not because we like to suck dick (or w/e).
  • FuriousGeorge

    Posts: 181

    Dec 02, 2012 9:06 AM GMT
    This is why I don't think we can ever entirely be a harmonious society; concepts like "offensive", "insensitive", and "slur" are completely contextual and personal. My sensitivity depends largely on how well I know a person, and I let my friends get away with a lot more than a stranger. Even then, my friends could get on my nerves if they kept it up or laughed a little too hard.

    So what does one do? If you really think you're being harassed or a line was crossed, deal with it up front or get away from that person. Otherwise, take your lumps and move on. If it's an authority figure or employee, notify their boss. Don't call in the PC shock troops on some random bloke. My school just started something called a Campus Climate Response Team, and I laugh every time I hear it because I picture SWAT hippies parachuting in on the scene of a "bias incident", lol.

    http://www.utexas.edu/diversity/campus-culture/campus-climate-response-team/
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 02, 2012 1:41 PM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidThey are not friends with him, so they can't understand where he is coming from and obviously they are not that good of friends with you because they don't trust your judgement ... If they went so far as to call you an Uncle Tom, I would look for some new friends ... they don't sound like they are very good "friends".


    +1

    I had to google uncle tom and that's offensive.
    Don't loose a good friend over some silly PC queens that will remain lonely and bitter for life. If they cant see it for what the comment was then they are dickheads.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 02, 2012 2:43 PM GMT
    wow this thread was full of great advice! It was the most helpful Rj thread I think I have ever posted. Thanks guys! icon_lol.gif
  • ThatSwimmerGu...

    Posts: 3755

    Dec 02, 2012 2:49 PM GMT
    Clearly they have never had a real friend.
    friends-best-friend.jpg
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 02, 2012 3:08 PM GMT
    I can kinda relate to this. I have a str8 mate who is completely cool with my sexuality but he makes aids jokes, calls me a big gay etc. Personally I have no problem with this because I take the piss outta him too (he's a bonnie bastard), it's just banter but one of my gay friends who has met him thinks he is genuinely homophobic.

    Like other posters have said there is no standard for morals/sense of humor so it's hard to be completely inoffensive. The best you can do is to keep certain sets of friends separate if you know there might be incompatibilities.
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    Dec 02, 2012 4:40 PM GMT
    My solution to this is to keep the salacious jokes, friendly insults, and perverse banter between me and my friends strictly private so that no one who doesn't know the nature of our friendship hears them. People are sometimes quick to judge, and often that judgment is based on incomplete facts and a misuderstanding of the relevant context. My very close buddies/friends and I call each other names that would make even the most corrosive hooligan blush, but they're done in private.
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    Dec 02, 2012 4:44 PM GMT
    Sounds like your gay friend is a realllllllllllllllllllllll Debbie Downer. EVERYTHING can be used as joke material in jest and believe me in my group of friends everyone's poked fun of for everything...... Race, Age, looks, sexuality etc etc etc. People need to lighten up, this world would be a lot nicer icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 02, 2012 4:45 PM GMT
    Wow - I was actually expecting all the posts to follow the OP to be like "tell your roommate to quit it!" Glad to see folks here aren't all PC. And if he did "make fun of you for being black" - so what? You'd probably react the same way.

    Lord knows I do this with my friends. Black guy, teenage spanish mom, Jewish , vegan...tell your gay friends to get over themselves.

    /thread killed
  • great_scott

    Posts: 519

    Dec 02, 2012 5:40 PM GMT
    He's being dramatic. Me and an Italian buddy crack ethnic jokes on each other all the time. Doesn't matter if it's sexuality or race or anything else if two people have that type of humor going with each other.

    More than anything, you shouldn't be allowing anyone to tell you what to accept in your place. He can always go home. icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 02, 2012 6:18 PM GMT
    NormalGuy93 saidClearly they have never had a real friend.
    friends-best-friend.jpg


    lol I totally got this. It's the kind of joke that only besties can make
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 02, 2012 6:49 PM GMT
    It's good that you've got friends on both sides of this. I think the right place is somewhere in the middle where you are.

    While it's cool that your roommate can make funny gay jokes all the time, there will be a couple times where it will get on your nerves or seem a little much. You'll be like "ok, ok..." As long as you can put a a check on that when you need to, its fine. I've had a bunch of friends of various races where we had the relationship to joke with each other. We had to be mindful of who we were around though and make sure we didn't take it too far. Our ability to crack on each other without being offended comes from our relationship and knowing where we stand on issues. That relationship doesn't really transfer to my other friends or their other friends though.

    Regarding your gay friends... some people are too close to an issue to be able to see it in its own light. A comment about that issue, to them, is a comment about them. Maybe you can help them pry more space between "all things gay" and them. They'll need that space to develop the rest of their identity.

    You should tell your roommate about the discussion. It will give him a chance to hear that you had his back but also hear that others didn't know how to take the joke. He'll then have the choice in how to react to them, if he chooses to at all. There is a little truth in every joke but there are more effective, less controversial ways to be a good friend sometimes. Good luck lil bro.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 02, 2012 7:42 PM GMT
    If you honestly believe there is no homophobia behind his words, just let it be.

    No one can make you act or act on your behalf unless you allow them to.

    Alot of people (mostly minorities and non-normal groups) can become overly sensative. People are quick to shout racism, or homophobia when they just may be overly sensative.

    My brother doesn't know I'm gay, but we have a similar relationship in which we refer to each other's faults alot. That's just how some relationships are.