I want to push on to develop a relationship with him and what should I do?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 02, 2012 11:51 AM GMT
    Hey guys,

    I'm new here and kinda new to the whole gay courting thing too. I have a question to ask, which is: I want to push on to have a great relationship with him and what should I do?

    To keep the story short.

    I know this guy for 1.5 years and it's only recent that I fell in love with him and I want to develop a relationship with him. To me, I'm not thinking about ST or LT relationship but just to have a go with him with every moment that we spend time together. We are really great friends.

    OK, so we really have so many common interests and we shared a really authentic close connection... basically, same frequency (he knows that too). When we hugged so tightly, it just felt so right but we never go further than that. So, I confessed to him last Sunday, and he told me that he didn't really want our relationship to go down that pathway, and that he is not ready to go for a date at this point in time. OK, i get that and I will take that response for now.

    So to me, I think that in relationships people don't usually love each other at the same time. So, I want to push forward, with all the courting etc so that maybe there is a possibility that he may develop something for me too. What can I do? I'm not about to give up just because he said no for now. But I'm not clingy or a stalker too so yeah....haha

    Come on, I want some advices from the pros out there hahaha.

    cheers!!icon_biggrin.gif
  • TheAlchemixt

    Posts: 2294

    Dec 02, 2012 1:28 PM GMT
    If he says that he doesn't want to go that way you should probably stop trying to court him. If you continue to try and court him you may end up just pushing him away. If he is a great guy why not just keep this connection and remain friends.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 02, 2012 1:35 PM GMT
    A man will run and keep running if he thinks your chasing him. This I know.

    The more you push, the more you are always there, the more clingy you become the further you will push him away.
    Be cool and go with the flow and dont act desperate.
    Become the man you want to be and put your energies into improving yourself, not on some guy that's not that into you. He will find this way more attractive, men always want what they cant have, just read a few of the forum posts here and you'll discover that simple truth about men.
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    Dec 02, 2012 1:39 PM GMT
    yeahimback saidA man will run and keep running if he thinks your chasing him. This I know.

    The more you push, the more you are always there, the more clingy you become the further you will push him away.
    Be cool and go with the flow and dont act desperate.
    Become the man you want to be and put your energies into improving yourself, not on some guy that's not that into you. He will find this way more attractive, men always want what they cant have, just read a few of the forum posts here and you'll discover that simple truth about men.
    This is good advice (Alchemixt, too).

    You might also want to consider going out on dates with other people principally to move forward with your life and gain a little experience in that arena (assuming that you might need it).
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 02, 2012 2:36 PM GMT
    He either will want to have a relationship wit u or not. If he doesn't, don't force it on him because u can't make people do something they really don't Wanda do. Plus, u could end up losing a great friend. Value ur friendship and keep ur at dat, as hard as it may b to keep it dat way
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 02, 2012 2:56 PM GMT
    "So, I confessed to him last Sunday, and he told me that he didn't really want our relationship to go down that pathway..."

    Take him at his word. It'll ache some, but really you need someone to feel the way you do about YOU, and they have to do that all by themselves, just like you did. icon_wink.gif

    warmly,

    -Doug
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    Dec 02, 2012 3:01 PM GMT
    That's great advice guys.... I always thought chasing guys and chasing girls are quite similar but I guess I do need more experience with guys.

    Yeah, you guys are right...while I do think that the both of us did not intend to cling to one another, we do meet up as friends really often recently. For eg. like in the week before last, we met up 5 days in a week, last week we met up twice, and this week we met up thrice even after I confessed to him.

    Kinda feel that, yes, I am always around him and if men will only go for what we can't have, it is likely that he won't not be attracted to me if I'm too available all the time. hmmmm.... lots to think about.

    I actually did think of dating other guys to get more experience in that department. The only thing in my mind is that I'm not sure if it's fair to the dates if I'm thinking about my friend all the time. I know it sounds silly and dumb, and possibly even miss out on other great guys out there haha.

    and yeah, now I should just go with the flow with my friend and just better myself as my own man and see how things go.

    cheers!
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    Dec 02, 2012 3:13 PM GMT
    Alpha13 saidSounds like we are in the same boat . I'm a newbie as well but I have noticed that there are loving types of guys and there are sealed off types too hence most gay guys being very single. The guy I'm am seeing ( I assume by date you mean fucking ) has not given me a cold no but says he needs time etc etc . He will tell me he wants to sleep over some nights but that is all he wil do ... Sleep in my bed... But it's obvious that he is not even comfortable with that .

    Bottom line find a lovable guy .Sealed off guys may work out there intimacy problem eventually but it's also overlaid with internal homophobia. My "friend" is in his mid thirties. So if he has not worked it out by now ( and he is seeig a shrink ) his timeline will probably waste your prime dating years.



    yes, my friend is really new at this, even more so than me. He did explore with a guy a few weeks ago (not sure if they fucked), but he didn't like him eventually. And he seems to me to be a 'sealed off guy', who always say he never identifies as being gay, and will date a woman again, which I still do respect of course. Like you, my friend didn't give me a cold no, but I take that as a no anyway.

    lovable guy... I'm lovable hahaha. yeah, it will be great if I can find one icon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 02, 2012 3:56 PM GMT
    You were honest and up front, so was he. If you cannot accept that it is a platonic friendship, you will ruin it what friendship you have. And if you do not back off, you are a stalker. He said no, and you still want to "push" it?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 02, 2012 6:07 PM GMT
    You need to back off or he will flea. Stop.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 02, 2012 6:09 PM GMT
    To the OP;
    Thanks for being honest about your situation, since I'm quite in the same boat with you.
    And great advice from everyone. Thank you Gentlemen. icon_cool.gif
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    Dec 02, 2012 6:57 PM GMT
    ysHact said
    Alpha13 saidSounds like we are in the same boat . I'm a newbie as well but I have noticed that there are loving types of guys and there are sealed off types too hence most gay guys being very single. The guy I'm am seeing ( I assume by date you mean fucking ) has not given me a cold no but says he needs time etc etc . He will tell me he wants to sleep over some nights but that is all he wil do ... Sleep in my bed... But it's obvious that he is not even comfortable with that .

    Bottom line find a lovable guy .Sealed off guys may work out there intimacy problem eventually but it's also overlaid with internal homophobia. My "friend" is in his mid thirties. So if he has not worked it out by now ( and he is seeig a shrink ) his timeline will probably waste your prime dating years.



    yes, my friend is really new at this, even more so than me. He did explore with a guy a few weeks ago (not sure if they fucked), but he didn't like him eventually. And he seems to me to be a 'sealed off guy', who always say he never identifies as being gay, and will date a woman again, which I still do respect of course. Like you, my friend didn't give me a cold no, but I take that as a no anyway.

    lovable guy... I'm lovable hahaha. yeah, it will be great if I can find one icon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gif
    OP: nothing wrong with dating casually ... coffee dates, trips to the mall or museum - maybe a movie - and so forth. You just have to be honest and up front with guys about what you want. Never hurts to widen your circle of friends and bring new people into your life.
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    Dec 02, 2012 7:26 PM GMT
    ^^ It's an effective filter to be sure. icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 02, 2012 9:11 PM GMT
    ysHact saidSo, I confessed to him last Sunday, and he told me that he didn't really want our relationship to go down that pathway, and that he is not ready to go for a date at this point in time. OK, i get that and I will take that response for now.
    So, I want to push forward, with all the courting etc so that maybe there is a possibility that he may develop something for me too. What can I do? I'm not about to give up just because he said no for now. But I'm not clingy or a stalker too!!
    ysHact said yes, my friend is really new at this, even more so than me. He did explore with a guy a few weeks ago (not sure if they fucked), but he didn't like him eventually. And he seems to me to be a 'sealed off guy', who always say he never identifies as being gay, and will date a woman again, which I still do respect of course.
    blackhawksfan saidYou were honest and up front, so was he. If you cannot accept that it is a platonic friendship, you will ruin it what friendship you have. And if you do not back off, you are a stalker. He said no, and you still want to "push" it?
    ysHact said I actually did think of dating other guys to get more experience in that department. The only thing in my mind is that I'm not sure if it's fair to the dates if I'm thinking about my friend all the time.

    I totally agree with "BlackhawksFan"....your friend said NO and you don't seem to want to accept what he said....you think he'll change his mind and come around. Well, "He did explore with a guy a few weeks ago (not sure if they fucked), but he didn't like him eventually". What does that tell you?

    Firstly, if he wanted to experience being with another guy and didn't choose you, his friend, then he really doesn't want "your relationship to go down that pathway"!! How many ways can he tell you no?!?

    Secondly, having experienced this myself from your friends perspective..... maybe, just maybe he's telling you "he is not ready to go for a date (with you) at this point in time" because he's not into you THAT WAY and doesn't want to hurt your feelings and/or jeopardize your 1.5 year friendship??

    Thirdly, if he says that he "never identifies as being gay, and will date a woman again"....it sounds like he may be in the exploring phase and hasn't made up his mind what he wants at this juncture. Your pushing his comfort zone will certainly not make him decide in your favor, instead it may push him away from you and your friendship. Sounds like a high price to pay!

    Lastly, you should consider the feelings/emotions of the other guys you may DATE ALONG THE WAY WHILE YOU'RE STILL HUNG UP ON YOUR FRIEND. And unless you're totally honest and upfront with these guys regarding your intentions.....THAT YOU JUST WANT TO ARBITRARILY DATE THEM WHILE YOU WAIT FOR YOUR FRIEND TO CHANGE HIS MIND.....it would be harshly disingenuous to them and I don't believe they'd be interested in being your pawn while playing your waiting game.
    icon_evil.gif

    DISCLAIMER: Given that we don't know all the facts as disseminated by the OP....my statement is purely based on conjecture and I could be totally inaccurate in formulating my hypothesis.....in which case, please disregard the above and I wish the OP good luck in his future nuptials. And please let us know where the gift registry will be?!? icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 02, 2012 11:13 PM GMT
    Alpha13 said[quote][cite]ysHact said[/cite]
    Alpha13 said

    Wow, it's even more like my situation than I thought. My friend is more straight than most straight guys. He is totally handsome frat jock type that guys and women immediately want to be with. I tell him that part of his problem
    is that he is a bubble boy because he
    has never had to give affection to be loved by others.



    Haha, yea, my friend, while he is not a jock and he is not those kind of guys with a hot body too. But yea, he is good looking and very charming, and girls and guys fawn for him. So yes, like your friend, my friend has this problem of thinking that girls and guys just like him because of his face or wanting to get into his pants - He said so himself. And when he told me that, I actually told him off, tastefully of course haha because it wasn't his body that got me attracted. It's the connection we shared. He never did have to give affection to be loved by others, and his mentality will cost him good relationships with others. but i will always stand by him of course and wouldn't run away because of a rejection.


    And I guess I wasn't too clear with what I meant by pushing forward too. What I meant more is not to give up immediately and find other guys straight away instead. But like what 'yeahimback' says, I won't be around him all the time from now and focus more on improving myself for me. If he actually gets attracted, fine by me, if not, I'm sure we will still remain as great friends, as that's what we promised one another.


    And yeah, I will not treat any guys out there as a pawn to play with while waiting for my friends' response. I know its unfair and hypocritical to do so, and I will never do something like that to others when I won't want them to do that to me too. that's plain sneaky


    and seems like the word dating has the assumption of fucking too? Of course sex is important to me, but I wasn't even thinking of that when I told him my feelings haha.


    thanks for all the advice guys... totally appreciate them.

    cheers!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 03, 2012 1:23 AM GMT
    Alpha13 said[quote][cite]ysHact said[/cite]
    Alpha13 saidSounds like we are in the same boat . I'm a newbie as well but I have noticed that there are loving types of guys and there are sealed off types too hence most gay guys being very single. The guy I'm am seeing ( I assume by date you mean fucking ) has not given me a cold no but says he needs time etc etc . He will tell me he waIo kn nnts to sleep over some nights but that is all he wil do ... Sleep in my bed... But it's obvious that he is not even comfortable with that .

    Bottom line find a lovable guy .Sealed off guys may work out there intimacy problem eventually but it's also overlaid with internal homophobia. My "friend" is in his mid thirties. So if he has not worked it out by now ( and he is seeig a shrink ) his timeline will probably waste your prime dating years.



    yes, my friend is really new at this, even more so than me. He did explore with a guy a few weeks ago (not sure if they fucked), but he didn't like him eventually. And he seems to me to be a 'sealed off guy', who always say he never identifies as being gay, and will date a woman again, which I still do respect of course. Like you, my friend didn't give me a cold no, but I take that as a no anyway.

    Wow, it's even more like my situation than I thought. My friend is more straight than most straight guys. He is totally handsome frat jock type that guys and women immediately want to be with. I tell him that part of his problem
    is that he is a bubble boy because he
    has never had to give affection to be loved by others. Weekly I tell myself I am gonna end it and then he texts me until I agreed to hang out with him. Today he wants to work out with me and I'll go cus its an ego booster to hang out with a total stud publicly and we do have a lot in common but it sucks that we won't be enjoying hot sex after.
    @alpha
    Sounds like the object of Hact's obsession is much more clear about his wants then your "friend" is. I guess my ability to understand written English is beginning to fade in my old age - it took me a couple readings to realize that you have not actually had sex with your friend yet. Feline curiosity now overwhelms me - I wonder how did you happen to meet such a fellow, who likes men ( in what seems to be a sexual way) but does not want to have sex with them? Has he ever had sex with a guy? Does he kiss? Is he flirting with you just to get your attention? We know that you like him, as your friend, and desire him. But on the surface it seems to come across as a 19 century novel, or one by EM Forster. Your description brings back memories to me of many years ago dating guys who were in the closet, or had not come out yet - and the frustrations I put up with for a time, because they were gorgeous and very nice. I wish you only the best of luck with your "friend."
  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Dec 03, 2012 6:51 PM GMT
    yeahimback saidA man will run and keep running if he thinks your chasing him. This I know.

    The more you push, the more you are always there, the more clingy you become the further you will push him away.
    Be cool and go with the flow and dont act desperate.
    Become the man you want to be and put your energies into improving yourself, not on some guy that's not that into you. He will find this way more attractive, men always want what they cant have, just read a few of the forum posts here and you'll discover that simple truth about men.


    This x100!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 08, 2012 3:37 AM GMT
    I will never understand why gorgeous men are so nervous and insecure....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 08, 2012 4:07 AM GMT
    Find another guy to crush on and keep this guy as a good friend. They are very hard to find.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 08, 2012 4:20 AM GMT
    Never force or pressure someone into a relationship. It's gotta happen naturally and mutually otherwise you end up pushing them away.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11838

    Dec 08, 2012 4:56 AM GMT
    I don't want to sound harsh but you've dated 1.5 years and he's not ready to go further....He's not really into you....I'd rethink the relationship...start thinking about dating others....
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    Dec 08, 2012 5:29 AM GMT
    ysHact said So, I confessed to him last Sunday, and he told me that he didn't really want our relationship to go down that pathway, and that he is not ready to go for a date at this point in time. OK, i get that and I will take that response for now.

    So to me, I think that in relationships people don't usually love each other at the same time. So, I want to push forward, with all the courting etc so that maybe there is a possibility that he may develop something for me too. What can I do? I'm not about to give up just because he said no for now. But I'm not clingy or a stalker too so yeah....haha



    Awww, hell noes! This bitch thinks he can just say "no" to you just like that? Fuck that! Time to stock up on Duct Tape and study rope. icon_rolleyes.gif
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Dec 08, 2012 5:51 AM GMT
    Pity old cam song with more than a grain of truth:

    Make new friends, but keep the old.
    One is silver and the other gold.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 08, 2012 7:53 AM GMT
    You did the brave thing by confessing to him your feelings, and he already gave you his answer. There isn't much more that you can do.

    Be grateful that he was honest with you. Not every guy will do that. Some will play games or act coy. He was candid with you. Appreciate that, and don't try to push him into something he doesn't want to do.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Dec 08, 2012 8:18 AM GMT
    yeahimback saidBecome the man you want to be and put your energies into improving yourself, not on some guy that's not that into you. He will find this way more attractive, men always want what they cant have, just read a few of the forum posts here and you'll discover that simple truth about men.

    That is an awesome observation. So true. And you don't seem to say it with much cynicism, which I appreciate.

    There's more I want to say but I don't know how to. Has something to do with learning to let yourself have what you can have, which is often more than you thought possible.