Relationship advice/opinion requested...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 03, 2012 2:04 PM GMT
    Hey mates,

    Hope that you are well. I wanted to come to my RJ community to kinda get a sense on everyone's thoughts about the following...

    So, my boyfriend and I have been together about 5 months. I have to say that during this time, it has been up and down, and there have been a few trials and tribulations. I don't feel that he communicates well, in the fact that it's hard for him to express his feelings at time. We have had talks about it, and he's gotten a lot better.

    So, of course, at the beginning of the relationship, which by the way, is his first relationship that's lasted past 2 weeks, he said that he didn't think he could trust anyone; he didn't think that he can ever get to the love stage, and he thinks that he will never ever have unprotected sex. It was a lot for me, because I have never heard that. It was almost like, "I understand that you want to be in a relationship with me, but here are these three stipulations." WTF?

    To the problem... Last night we were talking about his phone and the apps, and he tried to hide it, but I noticed that he had Grindr installed. I asked him about it, and he said that he's never used it, and doesn't have a profile. So I told him that it makes me a little uneasy, since my ex started cheating on me, and it all began the same way... "Well, I just use it to go on and read the ads and have a laugh at stupid people." My boyfriend is always very secretive with his phone, in regards to when I walk in the room, he will quickly close what he's doing after being startled. So I said that if he didn't use it, it should be no issue to remove. He started giving me every excuse in the book... "I've never removed applications from my phone." "I have this chess game that I've never removed. " I told him we're not talking about chess.

    So in further discussion, it was almost like he was defending leaving the application on his phone. Finally I just asked him about his being considerate of my feelings, and he said in a pissed manner that he will remove it.

    I am really bothered by this. I feel like relationship wise, he's very immature, and has a lot to learn, but i'm feeling like he's trying to keep one foot out of the door in the relationship. Any thoughts? Am I really overreacting?

    Thanks in advance,

    Sean
  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Dec 03, 2012 2:54 PM GMT
    Let's be honest: He's using Grindr. It must be assumed so, and his defense reasons are stupid. Now, what will you do about that? Does using Grindr constitute a relationship-breaker for you? That's the decision for you to make.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 03, 2012 5:37 PM GMT
    It sucks to hear this but he is being shady. You know what is going on and you are trying to make excuses for him. Don't. You can do better than that and deserve better. Wise up and it on your terms rather than on his based on his actions.
  • in_this_corne...

    Posts: 704

    Dec 03, 2012 5:48 PM GMT
    All this at 5 months? I'm no expert, but in my 15 year relationship...we were still very much in the honeymoon phase in the formative years (repeat...years) of the relationship.

    Granted, we didn't have mobile apps like Grindr back then so maybe the rules have changed. Eh, strike that, the rules haven't changed, but the obstacles have gotten bigger and more prevalent. icon_biggrin.gif

    When it all boils down, communication is the only thing that will get you through anything and everything. Without that, there is no relationship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 03, 2012 6:09 PM GMT
    I don't want to be the bearer of bad news but if this is how he's like at 5 months, I don't see how it would be better in the future.
    I'm no relationship expert but I would assume that 5 months into a relationship would still be relatively honeymoon phased.

    TBH the ball is already in his court. He already knows how you feel about his communication so far and how you feel about the phone app.
    Honestly even if he wasn't using it, the fact that it's something that upsets you a little should be a more important reason than "I've never deleted apps off my phone"...
    As some people have said, his reasons sound very weak and so you have to understand and accept the possible reality that he's falling out of it with you, or worse is trying to string you along until he might find something better (whether he is aware he's doing that or not).

    This may sound harsh but I would put in place a time frame. Not that I'm telling you to tell him you want to see change in 'x' months or it's over; heck I'm not even sure if I would actually tell him a time frame. I might just discuss what needs to be discussed and monitor the time to myself. If the relationship hasn't improved then I would say ending it would be best.

    Like you said, your the first relationship that he has that's lasted longer than 2 weeks so that could be a sign that he's just not ready for a steady relationship and that there is something he has to work out for himself before he can reach that kind of a place.
    The only thing is, if you know the best thing is to end it or you don't see it lasting in the future, end it now while it'll hurt less as opposed to later on when it will hurt more.

    Wish you the best mate.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 03, 2012 6:17 PM GMT
    It must be hard for you are upset by the movement of your four month old boyfriend but let us just say he is using Grindr and you are using realjock... does it make a sense? Is his side a bit equal of yours? Honesty is tested by challenges and ways of control which is basic and not about how many months you have been thru. If both of you would not trust each other, I guess there must be ways to improve if you are really ccommited to each other. Go, and talk to him without a judgemental attitude like, "I have seen you using a grindr and I have searched that is a social gaychat, is there something I am missing other than I'm using the realjock?"
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 03, 2012 6:45 PM GMT
    Hey mates,

    Thanks for all of the good advice and responses. I think the real issue behind my feelings is not so much the application, but just the fact that I feel like my feelings aren't taken into account. Now, if he was up front and came clean, I can understand. My thing to him last night was, don't treat me like I'm stupid. Don't tell me you're not using it, and you "don't ever remove apps from your phone." I will call bologna!

    My_Cactus... I see your point with the Grindr vs RealJock, but the difference is, he knows everything with me, since I'm so open with him. I don't feel like I've hidden anything from him. In fact, I have mentioned being a member of this site a time or two. He knows that this is my "Facebook" so to speak.

    I have said in my mind that I am going to give it a year to see if the relationship has moved further. If not, I am afraid I'm going to have to end it.

    Cheers,

    Sean
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 03, 2012 6:58 PM GMT
    Sean,
    Honestly, it appears as though you already know what's really going on.. I believe it's just a matter of whether you are willing to accept him for this, or not. If you think he's going to somehow change? Unfortunately, chances are not likely of this happening. You may want to embark on a bit of deep soul-searching and examine if this, in it's current state, is what you are truly willing to live with; even if only for a year.. investing a year in/with someone who you may be continually suspicious of, may turn into bitterness.. Most of us have been where you are except, this guy was honest with you from start about many things.. i.e., never falling in love, condoms etc.,... that may have been a big red flag... So, is this what you REALLY want? icon_question.gif Regardless, Sean, I do wish you the best... Rocco
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 03, 2012 8:19 PM GMT
    A different take: Perhaps your relationship could benefit from couples counseling, a neutral intermediary who could see both sides of your issues. Perhaps you are being too demanding of him in asking him to give up Grindr. A relationship involves give and take, and compromise. Do you demand in a relationship, that the other does everything that you want to make you comfortable? Maybe he uses grinder as a fantasy sex site, like interactive porn. Could you live with this, as long as you we're confident he was not cheating on you?
    As to his not wanting ever to have unprotected sex, that sounds perfectly reasonable. Are using condoms for anal sex such a big deal? Maybe that's an issue that can be revisited after you have been together for several years, if the relationship lasts that long. I've been with my partner for over 20 years, and we still use condoms for anal sex. Some guys might think that's ridiculous but we are both comfortable with that. You've only been together for a few months, and if he has a roving eye, and gets off on looking at other guys on Grindr and elsewhere, and maybe is afraid he might slip up and cheat on you at some point, it's only logical that he would think that you also might at some point cheat on him, and perhaps bring home a fatal disease.

    Hope that you two work this out, or if these are deal breakers, you can break it off in a kind way.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 03, 2012 8:47 PM GMT
    HikeSwimSkiSF saidA different take: Perhaps your relationship could benefit from couples counseling, a neutral intermediary who could see both sides of your issues. Perhaps you are being too demanding of him in asking him to give up Grindr. A relationship involves give and take, and compromise.
    I think this is really worth thinking about. You always have to remember that relationships are two way streets. Also, sometimes it's how you approach the issue that is more important.

    I think your better communications is to try and get him to talk about what he likes with grindr and what he might consider using it for beyond looking at the ads (which I question but hey). Drawing a line in the sand is probably the worse thing you can do unless you're at your wits end and willing to give it all up. I think your concerns are legitimate but I'm not convinced your approach is in your or your relationship's best interest.

    Is Grindr a really big deal? Ask him if you can look at it together. If he says no or resists then ask him if he gets turned on by seeing guys on there. Ask him if he'd rather be open in the relationship. If that's no in the cards for you then that's when you start to establish boundaries for the relationship and determine if this is really a guy that can be monogamous with you.

    Good luck. Not an easy thing to deal with. You're right though, communications is the key!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 03, 2012 9:57 PM GMT
    GTPSean said

    I have said in my mind that I am going to give it a year to see if the relationship has moved further. If not, I am afraid I'm going to have to end it.

    Cheers,

    Sean



    Please don't. 5 months onwards with all the secrecy is one of the most basic ingredients to disaster in relationship. It's not just about whether he has grindr or not; but the way he tries to evade and defend the reason why he has it ONCE you found out is the problem.

    Please do yourself a favor and put your attention somewhere else to a well deserved guy.
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Dec 03, 2012 10:05 PM GMT
    Good advice -don't have sex without a condom.
    Problems after only 5 months. Way too soon for this and the Grindr thing speaks volumes.
    Find a man that wants monogamy as you sound like you do.icon_idea.gif

    At least you didn't invest too much time before he showed his true self.
  • Oddball

    Posts: 13

    Dec 03, 2012 10:25 PM GMT
    He says he doesn't trust you.
    There's your answer, right?
  • BobbyRay319

    Posts: 2

    Dec 03, 2012 10:31 PM GMT
    Take it from someone who spent two years going through what you described. I made every excuse in the book for this guy and even said that I would stick it out for x amount of time and maybe it would get better. It didn't. But by that time I was so in love with the good that I thought maybe I should stick it out longer and talk to him. After numerous promises to change and too many fights about his transgressions to count, it ended horribly. He broke me down so much and became so mentally abusive. I wasn't allowed to have friends or even a Facebook because it meant I was cheating (even though I've never cheated in my life). Come to find out he was the one cheating (It's amazing what a google search can turn up). Our final confrontation ended with me trying to kill myself and him breaking up with me for being "crazy". Don't put yourself through the turmoil and don't make excuses for him. Unless he's a sociopath, he's capable of loving. He probably just doesn't see himself loving you. Do you really want to be Mr Right Now instead of being someone's Mr Right? It's my opinion that no matter who the person is, everyone deserves to fall in love with someone who deserves their love. In the end you can ask for advice but it's always going to come back to your own decisions. And usually people will ignore advice because they've already made up their mind. Which it sounds like you've already made up yours. I'm just saying maybe you should think.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 04, 2012 12:28 AM GMT
    If you're in a committed, monogamous relationship, there's no reason why your bf should be on Grindr. He's trying to get lucky when you're not around.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 04, 2012 12:51 AM GMT
    Grindr is a hookup app. I would be weary if my boyfriend had an issue with removing it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 04, 2012 1:00 AM GMT
    Putting it simply....move on.

    Perhaps there's a reason his past relationships never went past the two week period?
    Because YOU exist there are others out there who share in the same values as you do and are upfront about what they're really up to.
    It doesn't sound like he's ready for a monogamous relationship.... Or atleast not with you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 04, 2012 4:44 AM GMT
    He doesn't trust you. That's not your issue. Those are his fears.

    Your part: You have to trust that you'll be OK without. We were born to trust, but somehow fear gets in the way. Your best relationship can only be as good as the relationship you have with yourself. So learn to trust yourself and find your fantasies. If your fantasy is someone that communicates (I would hate to see what he was like before he got 'better' at communication.) and isn't secretive then go out and find someone to meet that. He's not fulfilling your fantasy, and that has nothing to do with him.