Trolli's starting to feel better.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 05, 2012 7:55 AM GMT
    Edit: I'm Trollileo. I won't be checking this account anymore since you know who I am now and I'll be posting with my normal profile.

    Also, I'm sorry if I don't answer your messages. I'm currently doing things I don't normally do and not replying to messages is one of them. I greatly appreciate all the support you've shown me. Please don't be offended if I seem to be ignoring your message. I'm even ignoring text messages from people when I usually reply immediately.

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    I'm a member here. I lurk a lot. I made a convenient sock account to protect the innocent. I don't know why this is easier to tell a group of people I've never met and never will meet than it is to tell this to someone who actually knows me.

    Today I've been really struggling with the idea of ending my life. It usually comes in short bursts and I quickly skirt around the idea after a few seconds of realizing how stupid it is. Unfortunately that feeling hasn't gone away for approximately ten hours.

    It started at home after a final exam. I had to go back to campus to take care of a few things. When I was walking back to my car on campus after running my errands. I suddenly just wanted to run out into the street and let myself get hit by a car. I sat in the car for a few minutes hoping the negativity would go away. I thought of friends, family, people I know and love, my pets, my future, people who care about me. Every enjoyable sensation I could muster just made me feel shittier and shittier. When I realized it wasn't going away any time soon, I decided to just head home; the feelings got worse on the road. I almost just floored the accelerator and ran myself into a tree, a brick wall, a telephone pole: anything bigger, heavier, and sturdier than my car that could impale me. Then I decided not to, because I didn't want to damage the car. Never fucking mind my mind and body.

    As soon as I got home, I shut the car off and cried for fifteen minutes. I don't want to live, but I don't want to leave behind the people I care for; it wouldn't be fair to them.

    I took the car keys and gave them to my roommate and told her to keep it in a safe place and just locked myself in my room. I don't know how much longer I can put up the facade of how perfect life is going.



    I know I have a very fortunate existence. I have amazing friends, amazing family, I consider myself to be very fit and healthy, I have a job even if it is shitty, I have a wide variety of great career paths, and I have accomplished a great deal of difficult feats for someone my age. My problems and issues are incredibly trivial and pointless when looked at even in a "big picture" and the only thing tethering me to life are people and even then I don't feel like it's worth it. They'd drop everything in a heartbeat for me if they knew how screwed up I was, but I don't want them to know I'm so weak. Why the fuck do I want to kill myself so badly? I'm afraid of seeking medical advice, because I'm afraid of what I might find out about myself and that I might have to live somewhere where it would be worse than not living at all.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 05, 2012 1:47 PM GMT
    Clinical depression sucks, dude. It strikes with no warning. Everything goes great for a while, then one day you wake up and want to kill yourself before the day is over.

    Seeking medical advice seems scary, but the more you know about yourself the easier it is to overcome the suicidal feelings when they arise.

    Whatever you do, if you do get medical advice, make sure it's from a gay or gay-friendly therapist. Others will simply make your problem worse by medicating the fuck out of you.

    And don't think this will go away on its own. Sure you'll feel better in a few days or weeks, but it's a recurring problem that will arise again. Getting help is the only way to identify the signs and take precautionary measures.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 05, 2012 2:46 PM GMT


    "I don't know how much longer I can put up the facade of how perfect life is going."

    Don't. Others can't make a difference in your life unless you let them.

    " My problems and issues are incredibly trivial and pointless when looked at even in a "big picture" and the only thing tethering me to life are people and even then I don't feel like it's worth it. They'd drop everything in a heartbeat for me if they knew how screwed up I was, but I don't want them to know I'm so weak. "

    But they aren't, if they make you feel life isn't worth it.

    You matter, so feel free to email me.

    very warmly,

    -Doug

    PS this: 'but I don't want them to know I'm so weak. '
    Yet conversely, I think it a sign of strength to admit self perceived weakness.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 05, 2012 3:28 PM GMT
    Go seek medical help immediately.

    You're reaching out here anonymously because you want help. You'll feel better as soon as you reach out a get real help.

    No one here can help you since we don't know who you are but there are lots of people within your reach that want to help you. You just have to let them.

    Take that first step. You don't have to be alone. There are people who have been where you are who are, who understand, who want to help you.
  • camfer

    Posts: 891

    Dec 05, 2012 3:54 PM GMT
    Sometimes the process of maturing can feel overwhelming, even when externally things look all rosy. You ought to try talking to someone, either someone you trust or anonymously on a talk line. Try 1-800-273-TALK.

    Going this alone is not the right choice. Reaching out here is a good first step, but talking to someone locally is really what will help you get through this.

    http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/Default.aspx

    Wishing you well.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 05, 2012 4:06 PM GMT
    Have you tried scheduling an appointment with a counselor for personal counseling? Most schools offer it. Asking for advice on a forum is a great idea, but for others it's better to talk about it to someone in person. I found it to be therapeutic. You don't have to tell the counselor EVERY detail in that first session...just start with what you're comfortable with.
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    Dec 05, 2012 4:13 PM GMT
    Seek therapy, they'll give you the tools you need to help yourself. I've been in your position, and tried twice two years ago. My mind and heart were conflicted, the church and my born again/brother/in Christ preached conversion. Being at rock bottom, alone, and convinced; I prayed for a change that never came. That coupled with the heartbreak from one of those guys that'll make a cliche OP. I was broken. I was in a rehab clinic for two weeks, lost my job, apartment and if it weren't for my case worker and therapist, I'd be so lost in the uncontrolled madness I'm wound up in now.
    What helped me step by step and day to day was positive affirmations. Still repost a lot on my facebook wall regularly. I'd like to think I'm better than I was before, but nevertheless, the therapy wasn't complete before I moved. Please give it a chance to work for you. You're your best advocate. Hope you find the silver lining.
    Hugs* :') Good Luck
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 05, 2012 4:17 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidClinical depression sucks, dude. It strikes with no warning. Everything goes great for a while, then one day you wake up and want to kill yourself before the day is over.

    Seeking medical advice seems scary, but the more you know about yourself the easier it is to overcome the suicidal feelings when they arise.

    Whatever you do, if you do get medical advice, make sure it's from a gay or gay-friendly therapist. Others will simply make your problem worse by medicating the fuck out of you.

    And don't think this will go away on its own. Sure you'll feel better in a few days or weeks, but it's a recurring problem that will arise again. Getting help is the only way to identify the signs and take precautionary measures.

    THIS You can ask your Dr. to recommend someone or search out for yourself, but do get help.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 05, 2012 4:24 PM GMT
    when i was 13 i tried to kill my self, after a few years of abuse a custody battle and many other trying events. I suggest you seek aid for it, it is the only way to really understand it. Also maybe one day being able to free your self from the issue all together. Do not be afraid of finding out why, it cannot be any worse than having suicidal feelings and thoughts. i still have them every so often and it can keep me from sleeping and even from being able to sing( my favorite thing in the world). so have no fear, just see what you find out about your self. even if you don't like it you have the power to at least make it better. by writing this very thing you have attempted to make it better. seek out help, anywhere you can find it. it will help you far better then letting such a thing fester. its an incredibly frustrating thing to feel and go though. But help is always out there, and you can only get better from trying. fight for it, you will be rewarded greatly for it.
  • metta

    Posts: 39099

    Dec 05, 2012 4:25 PM GMT

    Call Here:

    support.png



    http://www.thetrevorproject.org
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Dec 05, 2012 4:31 PM GMT
    you are clinically depressed if you feel the need to kill yourself- seek help. Life will get better as you age. Deal with life in the present, BUT realize there is many sunny fun filled days in your future and you will look back and say "I can't believe I considered such a selfish act and a waste of a healthy good life."

    Be well don't leave the site and keep us posted!!!!

    Don't be a statistic. You mean more to your family and friends than you know right nowicon_idea.gif
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    Dec 05, 2012 7:06 PM GMT
    Thank you so much, everyone. I always forget how great of a community this is until crap like this happens.

    I've mellowed out a bit, but I think too much. I haven't laughed, cried, or frowned at anything. My face has been blank and emotionless all day.

    I'm going to my university's clinic today for a checkup. I'm going to tell them about yesterday and hopefully get referred to someone who is also gay friendly. In this town, though, I doubt it will happen. The only thing gay friendly about this place is the musical theater department.

    Thanks again. I'll let you know how things go. And I'm sorry I didn't have the balls to post this with my actual profile.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 05, 2012 7:13 PM GMT
    You reached out in some way and that's what matters. Wish you all the best!icon_wink.gif
  • monet

    Posts: 1093

    Dec 05, 2012 7:42 PM GMT
    If you think you are going to hurt yourself you can go directly to any hospital's Emergency Room for help.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 05, 2012 7:44 PM GMT
    Feeling good today does not guarantee about tomorrow. This unfortunately is where many fun into issues, they don't follow through because they feel better and then when it happens again, they just don't have the strength to seek help.

    You really need to call or seek help. I hope the clinic can help you get to someone to talk to. If you feel better today, great, now's the time to reach out. Others here have given you numbers of where to call. Look for the crisis hotline or suicide line in your area. Call today! Please!

    We are a community here and we care about everyone here. Even if we get a little bitch now and again, we all still care and you're in our community. We care about you. We want you to get help, to get better. We're here for you. Call one of the numbers today, please....for you and for us icon_smile.gif Hugs!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 05, 2012 10:24 PM GMT
    Contact your campus counselor or health department. Call the office of the Dean in case you don't know where to look.

    Quick action on your part may prevent this life-threatening medical emergency. Your depression is as serious as heart disease, and can be treated as well.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 05, 2012 10:24 PM GMT
    Convenient_sock_account saidThank you so much, everyone. I always forget how great of a community this is until crap like this happens.

    I've mellowed out a bit, but I think too much. I haven't laughed, cried, or frowned at anything. My face has been blank and emotionless all day.

    I'm going to my university's clinic today for a checkup. I'm going to tell them about yesterday and hopefully get referred to someone who is also gay friendly. In this town, though, I doubt it will happen. The only thing gay friendly about this place is the musical theater department.

    Thanks again. I'll let you know how things go. And I'm sorry I didn't have the balls to post this with my actual profile.

    Hey dude, post right after your checkup and tell us how it went. Okay? And no one cares that you used a "convenient sock account." All anyone cares about is that you're getting help.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 06, 2012 12:17 AM GMT
    I'm not going to say anything except, my thoughts are with you. I hope you stick around, and I hope you get the help you need.
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    Dec 06, 2012 12:29 AM GMT
    DROP THE FACADE! Like you did here (bravely done). Let people in! Let them see what's really going on. Let people know. They love you. Why hold on to the facade. It is hurting you and keeping people who care from being able to try to help you on a path.
    Please stay connected. I want to hear of your SUCCESS with this beast. You have support here.

    Long hugicon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 06, 2012 12:36 AM GMT
    Trollileo saidConsidering how I don't give a shit anymore ...
    That's actually not such a bad attitude to have. It's quite healthy, in fact.

    I know the waiting game sucks baws, but you're going to be a much stronger person once you overcome this.

    You have my full support and best wishes. *hugs* icon_biggrin.gif
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    Dec 06, 2012 12:44 AM GMT
    I say keep posting here if it makes things a little easier. I know how it feels to just want to get things off your chest. Even if it is to a bunch of strangers, it' such a release to finally see your feelings written down. I'm sure there are many people here who have been in the same situation.

    Just don't kill yourself. It's not the solution you are looking for. And I'm sure you would put many people you care about through incredible pain. Just let this moment of weakness pass and remember the cliche saying...it will get bettericon_biggrin.gif
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    Dec 06, 2012 12:50 AM GMT
    If you can, keep posting here. Writing that shit down puts it into perspective and gets it out of the abyss of emotions.
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    Dec 06, 2012 1:02 AM GMT
    Trollileo saidConsidering how I don't give a shit anymore and I'm too lazy to switch to the other account on my phone I figured I'll just post under the moniker you all recognize. They overbooked the clinic (it is final exam week after all so I can't be the only one being a menstrual bitch) so they asked me to come back tomorrow after I got tested and vaccinated since the general practitioner knew there was something wrong. This waiting rubbish is so taxing.

    Big HUG*
    Please get help. You're an amazing person and you deserve as happy as you want! Keep your candle lit, you'll find your way.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 06, 2012 1:13 AM GMT
    My heart broke reading the first post, and shattered when Trolli revealed himself. icon_cry.gif
    Please please please get professional help, David. Hang on until then.
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    Dec 06, 2012 1:15 AM GMT
    Glad you reached out for some help. When you get older (like me) you'll be glad you didn't end it all. Depression is something you can get help for. I myself swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills when I was around 14 after a friend and I got caught about to have sex - by an older relative. I was so embarrassed (and horrified, really) that I was convinced I didn't want to face tomorrow - or people who would find out - facing being gay - etc. I wanted to leave the earth - just disappear. I'm very, very glad I woke up in the night and ralphed up all the pills. I was still afraid of the next day's embarrassing consequences, but they turned out to be nothing much. I would have missed out on all these great experiences during the last decades if I'd offed myself that night. Glad I didn't! You have to believe all of us here when we say "Get help and take care of yourself!" Keep us posted on how you're doing. You're a big contributor here. Guys like and care about you.