What is too intense to you?

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    Sep 12, 2008 3:10 PM GMT
    I was exchanging emails with someone I was trying to meet via the internet. Follow the email I sent in which I described my past two months in Europe and the activities I do where I live, he replied that I sound very intense "maybe too intense for me". I replied that I didn't want to scare anyone off by being too intense and that I consider myself laid back. Yet I admit I don't share the fear of trying new things that many other people do.

    He hit a cord because something similar happed to me in a relationship. I was dating a French Canadian when he accused me in a pejorative context of being a "winner". We were speaking French and he used the English word. The exact phrase was "Toi, tu es un winner" and he was using it as a reason why our relationship was doomed. Now I should add here that I don't always win and I am not trying to use this example to imply that "I'm a winner".

    Perhaps overachiever is what they both mean and I suppose it puts some people off. Maybe they interpret my passionate description for the things I love as boasting. I remember when my sister returned from living three years in Taiwan. She was fluent in Mandarin, had survived an 6.8 level earthquake and was full of fascinating culture stories. She latter told me she learn to choose her audience carefully for those stories. I suppose that is what it is all about.
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    Sep 12, 2008 4:57 PM GMT
    Maybe what they are referring to is that you have such clear-cut, determined projects that there is little room for them and their interests in life. They have to hop on your train and forget about their own lives.

    I am not saying that this is you. You dont give enough information. But I have read some guys' description of the boyfriend they want, and what I see is a clearly defined void that the bf has to fill. The guys are not providing any flexibility for the other people. There is no "give" in the definition to provide flexibility that the other guy is a person, too....not some tailor-made accessory for their lives.
  • UncleverName

    Posts: 741

    Sep 12, 2008 5:04 PM GMT
    Without knowing more, I'd have to say that I don't really know what "Too intense" really means. It kind of sounds like you don't know either. Have you asked either of these guys what they mean?
    Could mean what Caslon says. Could mean that they are lazy and you do too much for them to want to be around. Could mean they are worried that you will push them. Could mean that they don't like doing things with you because they know you are super competitive and that you will always have to win.
    Could mean this, could mean that icon_smile.gif
    I'd suggest asking this guy what he means exactly. And maybe tell him you're just wondering if there's something you're not doing right, for him.
    The other thing to do is just move on icon_smile.gif Are you happy with you? If so, then don't worry about it.
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    Sep 12, 2008 5:17 PM GMT
    It sounds like you are a Type A personality, similar to my best friend and my brother. They can be difficult at times to be around. They are almost like a clock that has been too tightly wound. One problem with Type A personalities is that they have trouble relaxing. Another is they often demand as much from their friends and loved ones (e.g. spouse) as they demand from themselves. That sometimes can strain their relationships.
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    Sep 12, 2008 5:19 PM GMT
    as long as you're a WINNER and not a WEINER, you can't go wrong.

    I looked for video of that famous quote (5 points if you can tell me who said it), but I couldn't find any...sorry

    (btw..if you're dating French Canadians...you are by definition a weiner. just for future reference.)
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    Sep 12, 2008 5:24 PM GMT
    As long as you talk about your life and things you've done in a conversation, and not just to talk about them, I think you're fine. I like to think of myself as accomplished for my age, but no one wants to here about how amazing I or you or anyone else is just for the sake of hearing it.
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    Sep 12, 2008 5:29 PM GMT
    You do sound a bit like one of those people who are always "ON" and who never seem to relax. I think it's great to have interests and a passion for certain things in life but it can be offputting for guys who don't share your values.
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    Sep 12, 2008 6:26 PM GMT
    As long as you respect the begger on the street as much as the Queen of England, I think you are fine.

    People get nervous, jealous, envious and may feel inadequate when they are around somebody who "has it goin on". Personally, I get energized and have complete admiration for people who have worked and stuggled hard to get where they want to be....physically and emotionally. I like people who try new things and are generally curious about life.

    People who are put off by a winning attitude are a dime a dozen. It's their problem, not yours.

    I used to downplay my own "winning attitude" and good looks because people were in fact "put off". But I realized I was shortchanging myself so that other people would feel better. Why did I have to pander to other people's insecurities?

    Now, I don't give a shit what people think. Now, when someone is weird or nasty ( for no reason other than being put off by my "winning attitude"), I simply block them out of my mind and move along. I can spot these malcontents a mile away now.

    Misery loves company and I have no time for that kind of company. You are not a shrink responsible for their feelings.

    BTW....A winning attitude has nothing to do with material possesions, money, status or what you look like.

    Winning attitude people naturally are drawn to others who feel the same way. There are a lot of winners out there to converse with. The others, for all I care, can simply huddle and whine about life in general.

    Three cheers to all the confident, self assured, intelligent true gentelmen out there who strive to win every day.
  • qalbi30

    Posts: 116

    Sep 12, 2008 6:32 PM GMT
    You sound an interesting guy and to be able to enthuse about a subject is a wonderful gift,however conversation and communication require the attention of another person who may be not so articulate as you.

    Sometimes encouraging them by sharing their interests can be a compliment and then nobody will think of you as being too intense.
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    Sep 12, 2008 7:32 PM GMT
    tommysguns2000 saidas long as you're a WINNER and not a WEINER, you can't go wrong.

    I looked for video of that famous quote (5 points if you can tell me who said it),


    http://www.majorvictory.net/

    Points please.

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    Sep 12, 2008 7:49 PM GMT
    Wow kissingpro are you sure you're not a reincarnated version of Chuckystud?
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    Sep 12, 2008 8:44 PM GMT
    iguanaSF said
    tommysguns2000 saidas long as you're a WINNER and not a WEINER, you can't go wrong.

    I looked for video of that famous quote (5 points if you can tell me who said it),


    http://www.majorvictory.net/

    Points please.



    5 points to iguana!!

    you can redeem your points at the front entrance. and, let's see....5 points with get you a tickle behind the ear by zdrew. or you can hold on to them and try to earn more on your next visit.
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    Sep 13, 2008 12:44 AM GMT
    I think you should cash it in Kurt. Tommysguns casinos are notoriously fixed... pretty soon he'll have you buck naked, broke, and owing him a bj.

    Oh hey, I wouldn't mind that. icon_lol.gif

    friendormate, I do not get along comfortably with type A personalities as well. I know they deserve everything they have, but it's the way they look at us more genuinely laidback people with a hint of condescension or calling us outright jealous and lazy (Haha).

    It's hard to understand for the overachiever types that most people wouldn't really care if you just climbed Everest with one hand tied behind your back (well, I mean they would, but they wouldn't be ENVIOUS that you did it).

    I'm passionate in some areas of my life, but not everything. I do not get high on praise nor by breaking some sort of imaginary barrier or making a milestone in my life.

    If someone says they like to put everything they have into whatever undertaking they may be doing, I take it as a red flag that our personalities will never match. It's the way overachievers tend to classify people as 'winners' and 'losers'. And the way this makes you feel like you're not enough for him since he's done all these things simply because of his superb willpower.

    It's not jealousy, it's good ole dislike at being made to feel inferior. If you're an overachiever, that's good, just try not to 'rub it in' on everybody you know.

    Humility (especially when he really should have something to be proud of) is far more sexier than a self-aggrandizement and accumulating bragging rights. Make yourself revolve around the world, not the other way around.
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    Sep 13, 2008 1:39 AM GMT
    *rushes to front entrance*

    *looks around for zdrew*



    *crickets chirping*



    *pouts*




    *looks for Eric's space ship*

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 13, 2008 1:44 AM GMT
    Down for repairs. icon_sad.gif

    The friggin fusion reactor's busted again. icon_cry.gif
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    Sep 13, 2008 2:06 AM GMT
    When you gonna upgrade to quantum drive, man? Sure the price of the matter / antimatter fuel is astronomical, but you buy it just once. Just sayin.

    * kicks dirt *

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    Sep 13, 2008 3:57 AM GMT
    Too expensive. And I'm still paying off my totally scrapped ablation shield the last time I did a planetary landing. Goddamn Venusians really snared the market on beryllium.
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    Sep 13, 2008 4:50 AM GMT
    What interesting and sometimes amusing replies.

    redheadguy saidYou do sound a bit like one of those people who are always "ON" and who never seem to relax. I think it's great to have interests and a passion for certain things in life but it can be offputting for guys who don't share your values.



    SurrealLife saidIt sounds like you are a Type A personality, similar to my best friend and my brother. They can be difficult at times to be around. They are almost like a clock that has been too tightly wound. One problem with Type A personalities is that they have trouble relaxing. Another is they often demand as much from their friends and loved ones (e.g. spouse) as they demand from themselves. That sometimes can strain their relationships.


    There seems to be an assumption that type As don't know how to relax. Some may accuse me of being type A but I can assure you I know how to relax. I love a good afternoon nap and watching sunsets. But what some people call relaxing I call boring or even destructive. I have no interest, for example, in sitting on the beach and drinking beer all day. On the other had I would find a long ocean swim to be very relaxing.

    It is also wrong to assume so-called overachievers will expect the same from others. Everyone has different motivations in life. We all must learn to adjust our expectations according to the person and quite frankly I really do like laid back type B guys. I also know some type B’s that are high achievers and some Type As that have achieved much in life other than how to bitch. One of the guys I met paddling recently just returned from the Olympics. He is such a cool, laid back and classy guy.

    Sedative, what you say about humility is well put and I mentioned how passion could be misinterpreted for boasting. The guy I exchanged emails with said he was looking for someone athletic and adventurous. Then when I told him a bit about my athletic and adventurous side he told me I was very intense.

    Here is where you should check yourself:
    Sedative said
    It's not jealousy, it's good ole dislike at being made to feel inferior. If you're an overachiever, that's good, just try not to 'rub it in' on everybody you know.


    Now I’m going to sound like a type A here but only you can make yourself feel inferior.

    As far as dividing the world into winners and losers it was my ex who used the term winner not me. I could easily be labeled a loser when it comes to nurturing an LTR.

    Oh well I guess that will have to wait. I have to start preparing for my one-handed naked trip up Mount Everest. Anyone want to join me?
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    Sep 13, 2008 5:17 AM GMT
    LOL, I know. I have an inferiority complex I am trying to get rid of by working out.

    Anyway, have you ever met someone who would measure you up with his eyes and then do an invisible shrug?

    Or someone who keeps hinting at how you should emulate them?

    I'm generalizing, but type A's are very good at ignoring that (as well as being guilty of perpetrating it, heh, but yeah, I'm generalizing). Us mortals are less immune to that. icon_sad.gif I grew up with 5 women in our family. LOL. You can imagine what that does to your self-esteem. Constantly harping about how you should be like this or that, get off your bum and do something productive (their own definition of productive), or compare you with other more successful family members or people. Argh! It made me gay! LOL

    I respond to negativity very badly, since I'm the type who would try to make someone else happier first before myself.

    That's what I meant by making us feel inferior.

    As long as you realize it's not black and white and people who do not have the same goals and passion for the things you do aren't 'losers' then you're cool. icon_razz.gif

    And no thanks, I'm too tired to climb Everest today, I think I'll go play in the tidal pools in the beach for a while! ^-^
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    Sep 13, 2008 8:20 AM GMT
    Intense? Dunno. I don't like assholes, I do know that.

    I can imagine someone who is totally Win oriented, and I can't imagine it would being comfortable to be around someone like that. I'm a lazy leaf in the breeze kind of guy, I don't take competition too seriously. I wouldn't do something for the sake of winning.

    'All glory is fleeting' is my family motto, after all. Gives us bums a great 'oh no you didn't!'. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Sep 13, 2008 9:51 AM GMT
    My idea of a great summer holiday is sitting on some beach in Spain (Barcelona), drinking a beer and watching the hot totty parade by in their teeny weeny itsy bitsy speedos. Hmm. Bliss.

    Meanwhile, in the ocean, friendormate is frantically swimming, in his mind he's in the Olympics racing that freak of nature Michael Phelps.

    Watch out shark!
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    Sep 13, 2008 4:20 PM GMT
    redheadguy saidMy idea of a great summer holiday is sitting on some beach in Spain (Barcelona), drinking a beer and watching the hot totty parade by in their teeny weeny itsy bitsy speedos. Hmm. Bliss.

    Meanwhile, in the ocean, friendormate is frantically swimming, in his mind he's in the Olympics racing that freak of nature Michael Phelps.

    Watch out shark!


    Spanish sharks are sexy!

    I have no fear of the sharks in the water, it is the ones on dry land that can really wreck your life.

    You gave me a good laugh but you only got half the story there. In Spain my long swims would be with nothing on but googles. Give Mikey P a call maybe he wants to join me. Then after an hour of swimming while you're watching the Spanish men walk by I'd be honing in on the hot one that like aging athletes like myself. If all goes well I might have a vacation romance working. While LTRs are my weak point, I make up for lost time with a vacation romance.

    Sedative: It sounds like you are confusing manipulative controlling condescending characters with what you term as Type-A or overachievers. Negative personality traits come in both Type-a or type-b packages. While the type-a might be actively manipulative, the type-B would be the passive aggressive type.

    People become controlling because they are emotionally or financially dependent on others. A highly independent minded person has fewer needs to be controlling because he is quite happy taking care of life or having fun on his own. Yet an independent nature is often confused with a controlling nature by the people with the highest control needs

    I was in Europe for so long because I lost by job. I put it on the line for a promotion which I was denied. I know why. The person making the decision had told me at the job interview I was too much of a free spirit and not corporate enough. I was given the absent minded professor moniker. Every pigeon has a hole and I apparently like flying too much.

    Anyone know who wrote this song?: "Take this job and shove it cause I'm a porn star and I love it!"

    This discussion has helped me understand what is too intense and I thank everyone's contribution. It is not so much the person's passion that scares people off it is all the baggage the others assume that person carries. They assume the person is self-centered, conceited, condescending, controlling to name a few. When I meet a dynamic person I can feed off their energy. I believe some people feel nervous by that energy. You may fear he will overpower you and push you beyond your limits and then make you feel like shit if you don't attain their level of success at whatever you are doing. But you have the final say as to where to stop how to feel about your progress. We have no control over other people's personalities only how we react to their behavior.
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    Sep 13, 2008 4:47 PM GMT
    redheadguy saidWow kissingpro are you sure you're not a reincarnated version of Chuckystud?


    Re-read the first sentance of my post, and everything i write after that falls under that.

    Pride...not bragging
    Action...not rubbing things in people's faces
    Humility....there will always be lesser and greater people around you
    Winning attitude.......does not mean type A personality, nor does it mean there is no time to stop and smell the roses.
    Responsibility.......not always playing the victim and blaming a person, situation or society for your troubles.
    Determination........I think you will find that winning peronalities have dealt with, or are still dealing with, serious issues of, perhaps family, health, finances etc. Despite this, they continue. They are not blessed or have an inate advantage over anyone else.

    For me, my world is not divided between winners and losers.Everyone is different and I learn from everybody....things I like and not like. I like to be challenged and questioned.

    I can go on and on.

    Don't know, or care, who Chuckystud is/was. But I have heard his name mentioned here more than once. Sounds like he had a few screws loose (like me), but his name keeps on popping up. Sometimes, people are hated/disliked because they touch a raw nerve in others. Sometimes, that raw nerve is something people don't want to look at within themslves.

    PEACE.
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    Sep 14, 2008 1:57 AM GMT
    I don't know that I would think "intense", describing your situation with this guy.

    Intimidated would be better. I find most people refer to themselves as open to new experiences but really think inside the "box". Everything must be stereotypically systematic. The cookie cutter house, white collar job, you get the picture.

    Meeting somebody with different experiences from the norm challenges another's thought process and may make things uncomfortable.
    Being very different myself, I can identify with your circumstance and do find it difficult to identify with others at times.

    Personally, I love people like you! If only I could find some friends like you in my city.
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    Sep 14, 2008 3:08 AM GMT
    Thank you 26miler. That is a very kind response. If you go to the right places you can meet some very interesting dynamic people. We have an whitewater Olympic training facility here so I've met one guy who made the Olympics and quite a few others who have world champion trophies.

    Tonight I met a guy and a gal that have been serving in the special forces in Iraq and Afghanistan. They are both avid athletes. She made a comment at one point during our conversation that her ex-husband accused her of being high maintenance. "Why?" She asked, "Because I like going camping and biking?" I guess she was too intense for him.