Anyone else "got it bad" for an emotionally distant man?

  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Dec 05, 2012 5:26 PM GMT
    It's been over 4 years that he and I have been together; so I guess that by now I should be accustomed to it and used to his lack of verbal/physical (outside of the bedroom) affection.

    I have NO doubt in my mind that this man does indeed care for me and love me on many different levels, as much as he can express.

    He has shown this to me in many non-verbal ways: cooking for me, buying me small gifts of items that I had commented on that i liked, caring for me when I was injured, even after working exhausting 12 hour night shifts (twice he had to literally carry me out of my house when I could barely move), thoughtful, carefully selected birthday and Christmas presents, his Mother has accepted me and appears to like me deeply, even after 4 years we still make soul searing, mattress melting, marvelous love on a regular basis, he checks on me if we don't text/email/communicate on a semi-daily basis...

    We have sepatated a couple of times; but keep on returning to each other. There just is nobody that I have found that measures up to this man!

    Still, the lack of verbal affection is troubling.

    The only time he uses the "L" word anymore is at the height of sexual rapture, when one of us is deep inside the other.

    If I mumble "I Love You" at any other time than behind closed doors he becomes quite cross & grumpy about me doing so. Hugging or any other form of affection doesn't happen much anymore outside of the bedroom. A quick one armed waist embrace is about the limit of his PDA.

    Is it "normal" for long termers to slack off on the verbal stuff after a few years? This is my first long term gay relationship; so I have nothing to compare it to.

    I realize that as a 20 year "First Responder" his abiltiy to show affection has been "freeze dried" by his need to remain stoical at work in order to keep his sanity intact.

    Still, he isn't at work 24/7....

    I often ask myself the classic Ann Landers/Dear Abby question: "Are you better off with him or without him?"

    SO far, I'm still better off with him.

    I don't expect any rational replies to this rant, just wanted to "vent" I guess.


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  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 05, 2012 5:46 PM GMT
    I don't know shit about this sort of thing but I always thought that what someone SAYS is the least important and what he DOES is the most. Some people just aren't that vocal when it comes to verbally saying how they feel. I know I'm terrible at it and try to avoid saying things like that to people. Folks like this have trouble expressing themselves.

    He just isn't one of those lovey-dovey kissy kiss types of people. I'm not. My mother certainly isn't one. My sister isn't one. I can't say whether you are better with him or without but I don't think you should try to change him into something he isn't. Do you love him enough to accept the fact that he simply isn't perfect and isn't the Prince Charming you expect?
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    Dec 05, 2012 6:05 PM GMT
    rnch saidIt's been over 4 years that he and I have been together; so I guess that by now I should be accustomed to it and used to his lack of verbal/physical (outside of the bedroom) affection.

    I have NO doubt in my mind that this man does indeed care for me and love me on many different levels, as much as he can express.

    He has shown this to me in many non-verbal ways: cooking for me, buying me small gifts of items that I had commented on that i liked, caring for me when I was injured, even after working exhausting 12 hour night shifts (twice he had to literally carry me out of my house when I could barely move), thoughtful, carefully selected birthday and Christmas presents, his Mother has accepted me and appears to like me deeply, even after 4 years we still make soul searing, mattress melting, marvelous love on a regular basis, he checks on me if we don't text/email/communicate on a semi-daily basis...

    We have sepatated a couple of times; but keep on returning to each other. There just is nobody that I have found that measures up to this man!

    Still, the lack of verbal affection is troubling.

    The only time he uses the "L" word anymore is at the height of sexual rapture, when one of us is deep inside the other.

    If I mumble "I Love You" at any other time than behind closed doors he becomes quite cross & grumpy about me doing so. Hugging or any other form of affection doesn't happen much anymore outside of the bedroom. A quick one armed waist embrase is about the limit of his PDA.

    I realize that as a 20 year "First Responder" his abiltiy to show affection has been "freeze dried" by his need to remain stoical at work in order to keep his sanity intact.

    Still, he isn't at work 24/7....

    I often ask myself the classic Ann Landers/Dear Abby question: "Are you better off with him or without him?"

    SO far, I'm still better off with him.

    I don't expect any rational replies to this rant, just wanted to "vent" I guess.


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    Your boyfriend just sounds like someone who isn't showy about their love. I'm the same way.
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    Dec 05, 2012 8:40 PM GMT
    Maybe he's emotionally unavailable or resistant to PDA/verbal affection because he doesn't value it as much as you do? That or perhaps it carries stigma for him? Like he cannot trust those instances of display of affection. It's hard to say.

    Either way, I believe I could see myself easily being you or him, depending on the situation and what a person brings out in me. +D
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    Dec 07, 2012 3:43 PM GMT
    Count your blessings, bud.
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    Dec 07, 2012 3:46 PM GMT
    I don't think "normal" really matters. What matters is if that's what you're OK with being normal for you two. In other words, if you can live with it, then make peace with it and move on. If you really need to hear those words and get hugs, then you have a problem you should discuss with him. but measuring it to others' dynamics probably won't be productive IMO
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    Dec 07, 2012 3:56 PM GMT
    Well.. Tell him how you feel, that's probably the only thing you can do. icon_smile.gif
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    Dec 07, 2012 6:37 PM GMT
    did he ever used to do these things?

    if yes then he should continue.

    If no it's time to just accept who he is.

    although getting grumpy about saying I love you seems odd
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    Dec 07, 2012 6:41 PM GMT
    DOMINUS saidCount your blessings, bud.


    EXACTLY.
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    Dec 07, 2012 6:42 PM GMT
    First world problems.

    To quote someone:

    brag
    BRAG
    B--R--A--G.

    (I'm happy for you.)
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    Dec 08, 2012 1:43 PM GMT
    I do a little 'venting' about it too; however, conversations about his lack or my perception of his lack of what I call romance has uncovered: his fucked up definition of masculine and either doesn't want to see me that way, or himself...can't wrap my mind around it either, but count my blessing.
    THEN AGAIN:
    You "vent" quite often...think or thought, you actually broke up with him some time ago (assuming this is the same guy)....fix this shit or move on already!!!