is hooking up ok/forgiveable if he says it was just sex and the distance is an issue? any advice

  • atxbttmboi84

    Posts: 78

    Dec 06, 2012 1:31 PM GMT
    my bf..( great guy ) lives about 90 miles away so i dont see him as often as id like.. know him 5 years and have developed a great relationship. of course with the ups and down that come with it. age. distance.bickering...etc. made a fake profile on growler and hit him up.i have the social apps up also. but strictly just for chat.. kill time.n we decided ok.yeah thats fine..just for chat..i hit him up and he immediately showed interest in the fake profile and started planning a hookup..i would have backed off if he would have said he had someone already. later on i confronted him and asked if hed he told me he had messed around a few times..but just sex .. n so he put some sorta blame on me for wanting to keep that gay social apps open..ive never planned a hookup . or i would always say i have someone if it leads to it..hes selling his home in a couple weeks and is possibly moving.and maybe i was going to go along and start something..so close to the end all this happens..any advice would help.. thxs..says why not have an open relationship till we live together . in the past. no way. hell no.. but now that he got busted..stuck in a limbo..
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    Dec 06, 2012 1:34 PM GMT
    Goddamn those apps seem like nothing but trouble. Sorry, I don't find distance being justifiable. Cheating is cheating.
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    Dec 06, 2012 1:38 PM GMT
    Did you verbally agree to be monogamous?
  • atxbttmboi84

    Posts: 78

    Dec 06, 2012 1:43 PM GMT
    yeah.. it sucks..hes a great guy...couldnt ask for better dude..hes not working..took time off for a bit...so he has alot of time to kill. dealing with his house for sale..soon hes moving..n itll be like hitting a brick wall.now that this happens..
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    Dec 06, 2012 1:50 PM GMT
    atxbttmboi84 saidyeah.. it sucks..hes a great guy...couldnt ask for better dude..hes not working..took time off for a bit...so he has alot of time to kill. dealing with his house for sale..soon hes moving..n itll be like hitting a brick wall.now that this happens..



    So many things wrong with your statement above:

    "hes a great guy...couldnt ask for better dude"
    Ummm, this "great guy" just cheated on you. Hello? Anybody in there?

    "couldnt ask for better dude"
    But you ARE asking for a better dude! You're asking for a guy who doesn't cheat on you! (Which you totally should)

    "hes not working..took time off for a bit...so he has alot of time to kill."
    Every watched that show "Cheaters"? They go back a couple months later and the stupid bitch that got cheated on has taken the dirtbag back, and she always says something like you just said. She makes excuses for him and enables him to continue cheating. "Oh, well it just happened that one time and he promised not to do it again". BULLSHIT! "He has a lot of time to kill"? SERIOUSLY??? Dude, if you're that stupid, you deserve to be cheated on!



  • atxbttmboi84

    Posts: 78

    Dec 06, 2012 1:52 PM GMT
    Scruffypup saidDid you verbally agree to be monogamous?


    yeah..we went exclusive ...we took off the gay apps but i got busted soon after we went exclusive for having the gay apps. but i had pictures of us and strictly for chat..n said partnered.. so he made hes profiles again as well..and we said ok. if its just for chat.. to make friends..
  • atxbttmboi84

    Posts: 78

    Dec 06, 2012 1:59 PM GMT
    Scruffypup said
    atxbttmboi84 saidyeah.. it sucks..hes a great guy...couldnt ask for better dude..hes not working..took time off for a bit...so he has alot of time to kill. dealing with his house for sale..soon hes moving..n itll be like hitting a brick wall.now that this happens..



    So many things wrong with your statement above:

    "hes a great guy...couldnt ask for better dude"
    Ummm, this "great guy" just cheated on you. Hello? Anybody in there?

    "couldnt ask for better dude"
    But you ARE asking for a better dude! You're asking for a guy who doesn't cheat on you! (Which you totally should)

    "hes not working..took time off for a bit...so he has alot of time to kill."
    Every watched that show "Cheaters"? They go back a couple months later and the stupid bitch that got cheated on has taken the dirtbag back, and she always says something like you just said. She makes excuses for him and enables him to continue cheating. "Oh, well it just happened that one time and he promised not to do it again". BULLSHIT! "He has a lot of time to kill"? SERIOUSLY??? Dude, if you're that stupid, you deserve to be cheated on!


    no..mean it in a sense that hes done alot for me..developed a great relationship .took a cruise together.helped me out in many ways.caring guy..the distance is the big factor here.. but hey appreaciate all the input


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    Dec 06, 2012 2:27 PM GMT
    There's no other way to put this, but you and your boyfriend are both dishonest. He's dishonest for cheating on you (assuming you had an exclusive, monogamous relationship), and you're dishonest for engaging in clandestine investigations of your boyfriend. Unless you can fix your trust issue with each other, your relationship is broken. Hooking up with other guys while you're in a non-exclusive, nonmonogamous open relationship is perfectly acceptable if that's what the parties agreed to. Hooking up with other guys while you're in a supposedly exclusive, monogamous relationship is immoral, dishonest, and disrespectful. Moreover, it puts your bf at a significant risk of catching something from you--a risk of which your bf is not aware and most likely has not considered in an informed manner. If you plan on continuing your relationship, an open relationship may be an option. Realize, however, that open relationships have problems of their own. In any event, if you choose to have an open relationship, remember that there are at least two parties involved in it, and any sex-related decision you take could impact your bf.
  • atxbttmboi84

    Posts: 78

    Dec 06, 2012 2:32 PM GMT
    thanks dominus...i acknowledge we have trust issues...and to pursue the next step to make it work is yet beyond my reach..not sure what to do..thank u
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    Dec 06, 2012 2:36 PM GMT
    JumpMan_Josh saidGoddamn those apps seem like nothing but trouble. Sorry, I don't find distance being justifiable. Cheating is cheating.

    This, plus "great guys" hardly ever cheat. You might want to check on your definitions.
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    Dec 06, 2012 2:44 PM GMT
    I think a much bigger issue than the lack of fidelity is that he tried to put some of the blame on you.

    This is never a good sign.

    A mature adult would recognize that infidelity is purely their own decision. They have other choices that can be made if they are unhappy with their partner, or if they simply feel they do not wish to be tied to one man.

    We all make mistakes, but a "great guy" will own up and take responsibility for what he did.

    atxbttmboi84...so he put some sorta blame on me for wanting to keep that gay social apps open..ive never planned a hookup...


  • atxbttmboi84

    Posts: 78

    Dec 06, 2012 2:50 PM GMT
    smartmoney said
    JumpMan_Josh saidGoddamn those apps seem like nothing but trouble. Sorry, I don't find distance being justifiable. Cheating is cheating.

    This, plus "great guys" hardly ever cheat. You might want to check on your definitions.



    i hear ya.. thanks..
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    Dec 06, 2012 6:35 PM GMT
    I agree with 90 percent of what Dominus said; however, I don't think you were being dishonest. You were suspicious and investigated. You now need to be prepared for what you found. You found that your boyfriend is cheating on you. You can take him back but the odds are that he'll cheat again. In my experience, cheaters who don't suffer significant repercussions from their actions continue cheating. I'd even be suspicious that if you agreed to have an open relationship that he'd be honest about his actions. It's pretty darn hard to re-establish trust once it's gone. Both parties have to be committed to doing so and if he's blaming you, it doesn't sound like he's all that dedicated to fixing your relationship.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Dec 06, 2012 11:04 PM GMT
    Buddy, your profile says you are single and looking for hook-ups. Unless you've already decided to move on from your bf and changed your profile, this is all bulls**t. The lady doth protest too much, methinks.
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    Dec 06, 2012 11:34 PM GMT
    smartmoney said
    JumpMan_Josh saidGoddamn those apps seem like nothing but trouble. Sorry, I don't find distance being justifiable. Cheating is cheating.

    This, plus "great guys" hardly ever cheat. You might want to check on your definitions.


    Both of these!!
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    Dec 07, 2012 12:25 AM GMT
    is hooking up ok/forgiveable if he says it was just sex and the distance is an issue?

    I think if you have to ask the question, then, no, it's not ok.

  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Dec 07, 2012 12:25 AM GMT
    The answer is "no". You both have to be on the same page.. totally with long distance relationships.. I know. on the basis of my own.
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    Dec 07, 2012 12:44 AM GMT
    No, it is not ok if you agreed to be monogamous and yes, it is forgivable.
    You two really need to talk about what you really want out of this relationship and if this is something you BOTH want
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    Dec 07, 2012 12:48 AM GMT
    Destinharbor saidBuddy, your profile says you are single and looking for hook-ups. Unless you've already decided to move on from your bf and changed your profile, this is all bulls**t. The lady doth protest too much, methinks.
    So OP and partner are both making themselves available for other guys. Sounds they have taken themselves out of the relationship zone, and gone back to the non-exclusive dating zone. Does not sound like forgiveness should be on the table for discussion.
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    Dec 07, 2012 12:51 AM GMT
    yeah those social apps are fucked.

    i love how he just put the blame on you and didnt man up. gay men need to start growin a pair.
  • barriehomeboy

    Posts: 2475

    Dec 07, 2012 1:35 AM GMT
    It's not about apps. It's about people, and contracts and agreements and trust.

    You guys have to decide if you're together or not, and what the terms of straying are if your going to stay together.

    I'm a bring the catch home to play kind of guy.
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Dec 07, 2012 1:48 AM GMT
    *sigh* It's things like that, that make long distance relatinships hard. The distance. But anyway, I think that it isn't forgivable as well. Like a lot of what the others said, cheating isn't acceptable. If you both didn't establish that you had an open relationship at the beginning on somewhere down the line, then yeah, cheating is cheating. You can try to forgive him and give him another chance but a lot of times, the guy can and will cheat again but that solely depends on the person. So you just have to follow your gut feeling. The only person who can make the decision is YOU and only YOU.

    And if you do decide to make up and such, you should really go over what you want in the relationship. And if it happens to be an open relationship, that's all fine and dandy but be sure to make some limits (use protection, etc.). And another thing, I find the whole "using the Grindr app for finding friends thing" unattainable. I mean, I'm sure there are some guys who are truly looking for friends on an app like Grindr but 98.1% of the time, it's just sex and nothing else. I apologize, I'm not trying to chew you out but I just think it's best to be honest and realistic about things like that...

    Best of luck dude, I hope it all works out.

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    Dec 07, 2012 1:50 AM GMT
    I still don't understand why there would be any reason whatsoever to keep profiles for gay apps like that if you're in a relationship. You want to make friends? Do it the old fashioned way. (**Hint** That means in a way other than going online to talk to pictures of guys torsos and dicks.)
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    Dec 07, 2012 2:10 AM GMT
    If you didn't establish exclusivity, then theres not much you can do for past hook-ups. It's all about how you feel.

    Personally, I don't like the idea, but I'm a monogamous kinda guy.

    Obviously he wants an open relationship. If you truly love him, even after finding out about this, then you may be okay with it. If you're not okay with it, then say so. If your willing to move in with him, then do it.

    What you should do all depends on how you feel about him, even after all of this.
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    Dec 07, 2012 2:13 AM GMT
    That question is really for you to answer. So tell us... if a guy you still are in love with cheats on you, will you stand for it?

    My thoughts are that you should just be friends with benefits. You'll have to get over the fact that he's allowed to hook up with other dudes though.