I'm OUT to my mom!

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    Dec 09, 2012 6:42 AM GMT
    Just a quick background: Being an Asian and also the first born male in the family, I used to think committing suicide is actually easier than telling my parents I'm gay. If you're Asian, you know what I mean.

    So.

    My mom was cutting my hair. As her usual self, she kept on asking why her decent-looking son hasn't gotten any girl home for a long time now. And as my usual self, I kept telling her I don't have time, money, and that I'm picky. However, this time she started questioning me about my best friend and if he is influencing me and turning me gay or not. I told her she's being crazy. But she kept pressing on and wanted a straight answer. She started judge my best friend of being too handsome, too well-dressed, too blah blah and blah blah. She even started telling me that it's not healthy and that I should stay away from my best friend if he's gay and that these 'people' are not normal.

    At this point, I've had it. I stood up and held her hands, looking straight into her eyes and told her (and I translate here): "Mom, you really need to stop hurting me. You need to know the truth. I have been hiding, lying, and manipulate the truth from you for quite some time now. I love my best friend. I was even in love with him at certain point. It was the worst period of my life because I found out he didn't love me the way I love him. Things blew up. For the better. Now he's still my best friend and I respect it very much. I don't like it when you bash him. Mom, your son... is gay. There is no one influencing me. Please stop bashing gay 'people' because you might as well grab a knife and stab me every time you do." ..."Mom, say something."

    She sat down. She seemed very very very shocked. She didn't cry. She pause for good 5 minutes as if she was connecting all the dots from our lives. Finally, she stood up, gave me a big hug and told me "It's late. You should go home and rest. You got work tomorrow." I hugged her and told her I love her.

    I'm sorta happy now, very happy. I feel like I can fly. That's how light-weighted I feel. However, I'm kinda worried about my mom. I'm not sure what's going through her head right now...
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    Dec 09, 2012 6:45 AM GMT
    Good for you!

    I'm glad you freed yourself in that way!
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Dec 09, 2012 6:50 AM GMT
    Congratulations. It's really tuff with parents and family. It is so much easier to come out to strangers.
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    Dec 09, 2012 7:14 AM GMT
    congratzz
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    Dec 09, 2012 10:21 AM GMT
    do u say it in english or mandarin or cantonese or hokkien or anything else?
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Dec 09, 2012 10:32 AM GMT
    Great story. Obviously you'll need to talk with her about it more over time. It could be a big blow to her. If she thinks another person can 'cause' someone to be gay, she might even feel responsible or wonder if she is in some way. Don't know but she might need some reassurance. And it might take her a while to truly 'get it' or integrate it into her world view.
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    Dec 09, 2012 12:20 PM GMT
    I'm Filipino and I've been there, done that! I was your age when I came out to my mom and she took it pretty hard. In fact, she went through a "mom of a gay son" phase where she blamed herself for how I am. Later, I discovered what was really bothering her...she was concerned about my safety. Her primary thinking of gay men was related to HIV contraction because this is what she had seen in the news and one of her friends was living with AIDS. I sat down with her and told her that I love her because she raised a son who is loving, responsible, good head on his shoulders and drug free. She cried and I gave her as much time as she needed to become comfortable with who I am.

    Fast forward 16 years later. My mom and I's relationship has grown. She loves my bf and refers to him as her son and loves my culturally diverse group of friends. I couldn't ask for anything better than what she and I have now. I hope it gets better for you but you did mention she hugged you after you told her and that tells me everything is fine and your relationship with her will continue to grow.
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    Dec 09, 2012 12:32 PM GMT
    Good for you
    icon_biggrin.gif


    I've told my Mommy that I like dudes but she thinks I am just confused and haven't found the "right girl" yet.


    I'm not tellin my Pops though. He'll flip the script lmao
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Dec 09, 2012 2:29 PM GMT
    Three days after it happened, I was so emotionally torn up inside from the sudden break up with the only love of my life that I had to leave work.

    I stopped off at my Mother's house and poured out EVERYTHING to her. This was the first reference to anything involving my carefully hidden and avoided, late blooming gay life.

    This prim, proper, 70-something southern Baptist, "June Cleaver" lookalike woman quietly held me until I stopped sobbing and shaking. Not one word of recrimination came out of her! She had known the whole time and was patiently waiting for me to mention "it" to her.


    icon_cool.gif
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    Dec 09, 2012 2:35 PM GMT
    Congratulations! Mothers are probably the hardest people to come out to... After them, all others are a walk in the park!
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    Dec 09, 2012 3:44 PM GMT
    Amen to that! Congratulations buddy!!

    I came out to my mom when I was crushed after I came out to my HS crush when we graduated. He was perfect, valedictorian/quarterback/ annnd good looking, but turns out he wasn't gay.icon_rolleyes.gif

    I can remember when I first told my mom, she kept repeating: "You're not" or "You just need to find the right gal." Really tore me up on the inside, but by the end of it she was accepting. And my HS crush became one of my best friends still to this day icon_smile.gif
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    Dec 09, 2012 3:53 PM GMT
    You tell your story really well. Only, next time, don't tell her while she's holding the scissors.
  • warrior1234

    Posts: 204

    Dec 09, 2012 3:57 PM GMT
    Well done, I wish I said it like that to my parents.
  • ChilaxinJOCK0...

    Posts: 1513

    Dec 09, 2012 4:01 PM GMT
    congratulations dude! just remember its a process, it takes a while to adjust n what not
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    Dec 09, 2012 4:23 PM GMT
    Congrats! and thanks for sharing such an awesome story. You are blessed to have such a great mom. If she needs to find some common ground, PFLAG is a great place to start:
    http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=194&srcid=-2
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Dec 09, 2012 4:25 PM GMT
    Congrats, I'm sure that took a lot of consideration and guts, based on what you said with your background and family. I hope all goes very well for you
    and that your family will not only accept, but embrace this. If they want you happy, they will.

    Best wishes for a great holiday season, it will be one you won't forget!

    icon_biggrin.gif
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    Dec 09, 2012 5:41 PM GMT
    Congrats, some good advice here. Best is, give her time. What has taken you a lifetime to come to terms with can't be expected to sink in over night.
    Talk to her openly about where you are so she has accurate information about you. Good luck.
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    Dec 09, 2012 5:46 PM GMT
    She for sure is a loving women , that hug shows how much she cares for you ....icon_biggrin.gif
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    Dec 09, 2012 5:50 PM GMT
    yourname2000 said
    Edward24 saidI've told my Mommy that I like dudes but she thinks I am just confused and haven't found the "right girl" yet.

    Tell her that the "right girl" was Aaliyah, and there will never be another like her. Then pretend to breakdown and run from the room fake-crying. icon_lol.gif


    Haha. Genius!!
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    Dec 09, 2012 7:20 PM GMT
    WOW! Amazingly well worded. Nicely done. Now enjoy flying... Congrats.icon_wink.gif
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    Dec 09, 2012 8:22 PM GMT
    Any n00dz?
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    Dec 09, 2012 9:13 PM GMT
    Cooper87 saiddo u say it in english or mandarin or cantonese or hokkien or anything else?


    Vietnamese
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    Dec 09, 2012 9:15 PM GMT
    Erik101 saidI'm Filipino and I've been there, done that! I was your age when I came out to my mom and she took it pretty hard. In fact, she went through a "mom of a gay son" phase where she blamed herself for how I am. Later, I discovered what was really bothering her...she was concerned about my safety. Her primary thinking of gay men was related to HIV contraction because this is what she had seen in the news and one of her friends was living with AIDS. I sat down with her and told her that I love her because she raised a son who is loving, responsible, good head on his shoulders and drug free. She cried and I gave her as much time as she needed to become comfortable with who I am.

    Fast forward 16 years later. My mom and I's relationship has grown. She loves my bf and refers to him as her son and loves my culturally diverse group of friends. I couldn't ask for anything better than what she and I have now. I hope it gets better for you but you did mention she hugged you after you told her and that tells me everything is fine and your relationship with her will continue to grow.


    I think your story is very close to what I want to happen in the future. Only time can tell. Thank you for sharing. =)
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    Dec 09, 2012 9:17 PM GMT
    yourname2000 saidHeavy situation. It sounds like you did an effective job of stating your case. Of course she may need time (weeks, months) to fully reconcile this, and not just because of the conservative Asian thing.

    You've had months and years to come to terms with this...even with thoughts of suicide apparently. She may also have some dark times, wondering if it was something she did or didn't do, or if someone hurt you, etc. Be there for her to help her rewrite all of her dreams for you with a handsome loving man standing where she always envisioned a wonderful wife. I doubt she has many examples of healthy, stable gay couples in her life, so it may take some time for her to see that our relationships are every bit as loving and nurturing. But she probably will eventually...if a guy like Dick Cheney can fully support his lesbian daughter, anything is possible. icon_wink.gif

    Best wishes and congrats!


    Thank you! You are are right. I need to talk to her, soon. I'm not sure if she is thinking towards the wrong way.
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    Dec 09, 2012 9:18 PM GMT
    Good for you. She'll come around in time. The fact that she asked means the idea had been in her head stewing for a while. She will be fine and so will you. Just keep her in your life without letting her control it and your relationship with family will be strong.