Doubt ill be able to come out to my parents at all...

  • J_canadian44

    Posts: 39

    Dec 10, 2012 8:58 AM GMT
    i guess a quick background story is in order...

    i realized i was gay when i was 12/13 years old, some wher in between there, im now 19, and i have maybe told around 10 people that i am gay, well i beieve i told most of them im bi, but thats not the case.

    my brother and sister have always teased me, calling me gay, asking why ive never brought a girl home etc etc. I would really love it if i could tell even my closest family member, but for some reason i just cant bare the thought of trying to come out to them, even talking about it i freak out..

    tips?

  • rudolphe

    Posts: 156

    Dec 10, 2012 9:13 AM GMT
    Well I think like 90 percent of the people on this site can relate to what your going through Canadian. Telling your family about your sexuality can be one of the hardest things a young man can do, which is why so many choose to keep their loved ones in the dark about themselves.

    For me though I took a very practical approach to the situation. I took steps with telling my family, starting with the one who I thought would be the easiest to tell (my older sister) and ending with who would just be a pain in the ass to talk to it about (my dad)

    As I went to each family member and told them about the type of people I daydream about I found my confidence grew with each time I outed myself. Im not saying that doing this made the process any easier, but it did give me the courage to work up to my Dad because I had already crossed everyone else off of my to tell list, so why not him?

    I guess basically what I wanted to say was that if your having such a difficult time approaching your family about it, maybe you should start off small. Tell the one who you get along the best with about yourself and than move forward from there..

    ps. Think about the consequences of coming out of the closet mate. Only you know how your parents would react and whether or not they need to know :/
  • J_canadian44

    Posts: 39

    Dec 10, 2012 9:44 AM GMT
    thank you for the advise, i was thinking about telling my sister first aswell, but i have 3 lmao. any ways yeah i think its just gonna take some time..
  • J_canadian44

    Posts: 39

    Dec 10, 2012 12:36 PM GMT
    i was thinking of a note or something like that, but i think i owe it to them to do it in person, and not only that, but make sure im the one who is telling them.

    but im liking your idea about saying " would it bother you if i am" i wonder if that would go over well ? icon_razz.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 10, 2012 12:54 PM GMT
    Great advice so far. I will add that it's important to remember that coming out is a lifelong process. It's not something that you do once and it's over with, and it's not like you get to make your "big announcement" and not have to answer questions or revisit the subject with your family. They will have questions, and as hard as it is for you, remember that it may be be a lot for them to comprehend at the time.
    I think it's great that you have started telling some of your friends, and remember that there is no set timeline for telling your family. Everyone comes out to their friends, co-workers and family at different times. Don't beat yourself up over it, and you'll be just fine.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 10, 2012 12:57 PM GMT
    Do it when you're ready. Do you live with them still? If you do, it might be better to wait until you're on your own. And yeah, starting with one of your siblings is a good idea. Good luck! We've all been there, and we've all figured it out eventually. It's nerve-wrecking, but a relief once you get it done.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 10, 2012 2:01 PM GMT
    It's going to be scary no matter what, but you just have to do it when you're ready. You will feel so much better after. Just make sure you're parents don't freak out and kick you out or something crazy like that. If that is a possibility, then maybe wait until you live on your own. Good luck!
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Dec 10, 2012 2:08 PM GMT
    win millions of dollars in the lottery, then announce it from a blimp
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 10, 2012 7:01 PM GMT
    If you don't want to tell them or can't.. Then don't. A lot of my friends don't know I'm out mostly because I don't feel like being gay is a big thing.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 10, 2012 7:50 PM GMT
    J_canadian44 saidi guess a quick background story is in order...

    i realized i was gay when i was 12/13 years old, some wher in between there, im now 19, and i have maybe told around 10 people that i am gay, well i beieve i told most of them im bi, but thats not the case.

    my brother and sister have always teased me, calling me gay, asking why ive never brought a girl home etc etc. I would really love it if i could tell even my closest family member, but for some reason i just cant bare the thought of trying to come out to them, even talking about it i freak out..

    tips?



    Wanta stop the teasing? Own it. Put on your big boy pants and own it. You're gay right? Own it.

    Fucking your parents? Probably not. Save the drama for the theater. They already know (if they're decent parents or unless you are superbly deceitful). Unless you're fucking them, they don't need to know, but, if you want them to know, just tell them and move on. Next item.

    Get on with your life.

    My 320# muscle head straight friend asked me how it felt to be fucked up the ass. My response? "Neato." He giggled, and our friendship is as sound as ever 12 years later. Own it. You'll be glad you did. Integrity brings with it self confidence. Self confidence makes everything better.

    Put on your big boy pants. You're gay. Big deal. Next item. Save the drama for acting class.

    When we coddle a weak part, it only grows weaker, but, if we walk into, through, beyond, and above our challenges, we become stronger, compassionate, more insightful, and gain leadership skills. Go get those real boy pants. Wear them.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4434

    Dec 10, 2012 8:07 PM GMT
    You should tell your parents. They'll be OK. My partner is from an "old school" Chinese family and he was sure his father would never speak to him again if he knew. But after one family member knew, and then another, it finally became clear it wasn't fair to those who knew and then had a secret to keep. So he told him. Words were few but he wished him to be happy. They haven't spoken of it since but the relationship is now back to normal.

    The problem with not telling is that as your life gets more complex, you can share less and less of your highs and lows, your triumphs and heartbreakers with the people who love you the most. So you hurt them more by shutting them out of your life. I bet they'd be OK. Believe me, it seems much worse than it is.
  • J_canadian44

    Posts: 39

    Dec 11, 2012 8:20 AM GMT
    calibro saidwin millions of dollars in the lottery, then announce it from a blimp



    thats very realistic, thank you, i just might do that icon_neutral.gificon_razz.gif

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 11, 2012 9:26 AM GMT
    I've always wondered if one could completely change this situation around and put parents on the defensive by accusing them of ruining your life by making you gay. We blame schools for inadequate education who else is to blame for raising you as a sissy?
  • J_canadian44

    Posts: 39

    Dec 11, 2012 9:32 AM GMT
    aha its possible but who would try it? but... im not sure if its really they're fault.. you know?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 11, 2012 9:45 AM GMT
    J_canadian44 saidaha its possible but who would try it? but... im not sure if its really they're fault.. you know?



    It's not a ploy to take if you are dealing with open minded peeps but if they got offensive about it there is little good in being a victim of abuse when you can actually put it all on them. " It was those clarinet lessons you made me take when I needed to play the drums to get my "Testosterone Up " ..... It was the Bible study class that taught me that fooling around with girls was the work of the devil. "

    I just don't like the way gay guys set themselves up as victims of bullying of every sort , since there is no good reason for it . Bully's have no advantage over you that you don't give to them.
  • J_canadian44

    Posts: 39

    Dec 11, 2012 9:50 AM GMT
    okay well in my case its not the fact that im worried about being bullied, i could give a sht about that, but its the fact of letting down my family, cause im not the " ideal" son/ brother.
  • J_canadian44

    Posts: 39

    Dec 11, 2012 9:51 AM GMT
    in they're minds that is.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 11, 2012 1:40 PM GMT
    Tell them whenever you feel you are ready to. Or you don't have to tell them at all.

    I know where your coming from with all this and would get teased by my older brother (he'd say I had an ass like J Lo or a black girl booty) from peers who would call me fag or queer, and from my father who called me a cowardly pussy. This really messed me over but I felt free when I finally told how I really feel.

    Most of the people I have told my attraction for men believe it to be untrue.

    My brother finally came to terms with it in April 2011 after a heartfelt confession.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 11, 2012 1:54 PM GMT
    Seems to me like it is in your mind.

    I think that is part of the problem for you.

    It is not easy to come out, but even harder when you feel that you are not valued by your family.

    You need to get some confidence in yourself. One of the ways you can feel more confident about yourself as a gay man coming out is to read up on the topic as WATERLOONICETOP was saying.

    Understanding your families concerns before trying to approach them will give you the confidence to handle any situations that may arise.

    J_canadian44 saidokay well in my case its not the fact that im worried about being bullied, i could give a sht about that, but its the fact of letting down my family, cause im not the " ideal" son/ brother.


    J_canadian44 said
    in they're minds that is.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Dec 11, 2012 2:09 PM GMT
    Telling your parents makes sense.. when you are ready and that means "emotionally" and "financially". If you've had issues with your
    siblings, don't tell them anything and if you do, make it on your terms.

    You are a talented, unique individual who deserves respect and appreciation.
    If they don't give it to you, you don't need to to show any. Just be reasonable and grounded. Just make it (or tell it rather) when you are
    ready!

    icon_biggrin.gif
  • vintovka

    Posts: 588

    Dec 11, 2012 2:21 PM GMT
    I came out to my parents and it was a shit show--then my brother didn't want to come out, so I started buying books about having a gay son, coming out, and p-flag literature and just started leaving it around the house. My parents eventually started reading it and it helped quite a bit, smoothing things over for my brother (and later my sister). (3/5 gay children in my family, btw)

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 11, 2012 2:33 PM GMT
    J_canadian44 said[...]
    my brother and sister have always teased me, calling me gay, asking why ive never brought a girl home etc etc. I would really love it if i could tell even my closest family member, but for some reason i just cant bare the thought of trying to come out to them, even talking about it i freak out..
    tips?


    They present you with the golden opportunity to out yourself and you don't take it??
    They actually make it easy, all you need to do is take the initiative and say "Yes, I- AM- gay. Do YOU have a problem with it?!!!" (In a clear matter of fact way, without hesitation or apology.) "Thank you for having made this easier for me!"
    ...
    And the needless stifling debilitating closet disappears, releasing you into the freedom of building yourself into a confident man who happens to be gay, and doesn't take shit.
  • StevieB0402

    Posts: 159

    Dec 11, 2012 9:53 PM GMT
    When I came out to my little brother I was 18 and he was 16. He showed no surprise, claiming to have known all along. When I asked him why he didn't say anything, he replied "it was your thing to tell, not mine to pry into, but I've know forever." He loved me and I was his hero all those years and he knew the entire time. The siblings in my family are like that, we are all tight as 2 coats of paint. If you have that type of closeness, tell them. It will be ok.
    Parents can be difficult but remember that being gay doesn't disqualify you for the title of ideal child. Being the honest, compassionate, successful, kind person they raised to you be makes you the ideal child.
    I didn't get to come out because my parents caught me and my bf in the act. Scary as that was; it was actually a great relief when the secret was out and I could deal with it rather than hide in fear on a daily basis. My father hasn't spoken to me since and only tolerates my presence when it is unavoidable, like recently at his brother's funeral. My mom had to work on tolerance and while I don't know if she truly is ok with it, she loves me without question or hesitation and she treats my husband with dignity, kindness, and respect. We can't control what people feel, we can only ask for reasonable treatment when we are with them.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 11, 2012 9:57 PM GMT
    Well if I were you I wouldn't come out until I felt that I was ready. I mean as long as you know who you are then everyone else can wait a little while. It's not an easy process. But I think you accepted yourself for what you are for the most part so I would say just wait until you feel when it's time for the rest of the people in your world to know.
  • TheBizMan

    Posts: 4091

    Dec 11, 2012 10:13 PM GMT
    You're 19 and dependent on your folks. You'll come out eventually when you gain some independence and support from friends.

    Edit: And for the record I am currently in this process. I have support from my friends, yet I am still dependent on my parents financially. Interestingly enough, I do not think my parents will react badly at all. I am just a cautious person by nature.