Struggling early in a relationship

  • jboyd853

    Posts: 1

    Dec 10, 2012 11:33 PM GMT
    I've recently started dating a guy whom I REALLY like. He's smart, funny, attractive and only a year younger than me. However, like most apparently "perfect" guys, he has flaws. To put this into context by the way, we've been together for 2 weeks now.

    I noticed after a few days that he has several issues which are preventing him from giving 100% of himself to the relationship. Now, I know it's early days, but we're both very similar in the sense that we know what we want from this... which is a long term relationship.

    The first issue is that he's not "out" to his mum. I know this is very common, and it was a stressful time in my life when I came out to my parents. He lives with her at the moment and they have a very close relationship. She isn't homophobic at all from what he tells me; she has lots of gay friends, and there is already an openly gay person in the family whom she adores: her nephew.

    Since I started dating him though, his mum has become increasingly suspicious about his sexuality. She has questioned him a few times, even asking about me by name. But he keeps denying it! They had a conversation a couple of nights ago, and it became rather heated, with her saying things like "there's already one in the family," and "I hope I'm wrong about you." - The second statement coming after she admitted to seeing our relationship status on Facebook and reading our messages to each other.

    Now, you're probably thinking "SHE KNOWS ALREADY," and this is obviously true; but he won't admit it for fear that she will disown him, or treat him differently because he's her son, and not just one of her gay friends. I have spoken to a few friends, and we have agreed that she is probably just frustrated that he won't admit it to her, and it's driving her to say things she doesn't mean when the subject is raised. She's applying more and more pressure, and he's getting more and more stressed because of it. This stress has already started to affect our relationship, and he has told me that he's not sure he can deal with it. I.e. he's thinking of breaking up with me and staying in the closet. The easy way out; lovely.

    Now, my feelings about all of this are simple. I like him a lot, and I want to see this going somewhere, so I'm giving him his own space at the moment to decide what to do. However, one of the things which annoys me is the fact that he was so affectionate at the start, and now he's so distant. It's like talking to Stephen Hawking sometimes... he takes an eternity to reply to any of my messages (almost instantaneous replies before), and there is no emotion whatsoever (lots of xxxx's and hearts etc before).

    I'm trying not to be too selfish, but I have to consider my own feelings too. A relationship is a two-way endeavour after all. I'm feeling a lot of anxiety, paranoia and emotional rejection at the moment; and I'm not sure what to do.

    Any advice about what step I should take next, or advice I should give him would be greatly appreciated.

    Jonny xx
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 11, 2012 12:00 AM GMT
    He needs emotional support.
    Even if it affect your relationship, he is the one in a raw spot, so if you consider him as your partner, you need to support him through it.

    Not much about telling him how you think he should handle his mom, more about telling him that whatever he does or doesn't do, you are with him, you understand how he feel, you love him.

    A relationship is a two way street ON AVERAGE. But when one is in trouble, the other goes out of his way (and personal interest) to help and support.

    Your relationship is too recent to even be called a relationship, yet it's a good test case. If both of you focus on LTR, you should both play by the LTR rules and learn how to price for it. Nothing good is easy.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 11, 2012 12:21 AM GMT
    You need to decide if you love this guy or if you just love the "idea" of him.
    When you love someone you stick by them even when it hurts, sometimes it's easier than others, sometimes it's not fair, sometimes it's not 50/50.
    If this is "forever" then you will have countless obstacles ahead of you and this is ground zero.
    You can not go into a relationship expecting to change someone, you have to love him "as he is" and give him the room to change and grow.
    It's not easy to hear but... 'it's not about you" so carry on with your life and support him if you can.
    If you can't then it wasn't meant to be and you should be more critical of the feelings that sweep over ALL of us when we first meet someone.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 11, 2012 1:46 AM GMT
    Given his responses to your advances (delays, etc.), I'd guess he's not as into you as you are into him. Rather than telling you so, he's taking his time in responses, etc.

    If he was into you, it would come through.

    You need to accept that, given his current feelings about himself, and the way he's reacted to you, now is probably not the best time with him, if ever.

    You only control how you feel; not how he feels. You need to accept that he does not feel about you (or..at least won't act on it) the way you do about him.

    You also need to accept that you can only change you; not him. You can share your concerns, but given the interactions you've already stated, now probably is not the time for LTR with him, if ever.

    Likely, and given that you are very young, it's really too early on for this sort of thing. He's still coping with his own identity, and until he has that managed things are going to be unreliable at best.

    Wishful thinking on your part does not change the reality of the situation.

    You need to consider that in he probably is NOT wanting intimacy at this moment. He is telling you by his actions. Listen to them.

    Some folks need their space...for a short time...or for some...a lifetime. He's telling you what he wants, but..you aren't listening.

    Study up on "smothering." That should help you to come to understand.

    The saying "absence makes the heart fonder" comes into play here. If you walk away, and don't hear from him, then you know for sure. If he renews contact, then, that shows he has interest, and...missed you.
  • barriehomeboy

    Posts: 2475

    Dec 11, 2012 2:08 AM GMT
    You're in a serious relationship and you're asking a bunch of gay guys online how to fix your issues? You do realize wikipedia is made up stuff? You need couples therapy.
  • Bunjamon

    Posts: 3161

    Dec 11, 2012 2:52 AM GMT
    barriehomeboy saidYou need couples therapy.


    After two weeks? icon_confused.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 11, 2012 2:56 AM GMT
    Bunjamon said
    barriehomeboy saidYou need couples therapy.


    After two weeks? icon_confused.gif
    Oh my... too much.

    I do know one thing though... with time<-- if a relationship can make it through the difficult early beginning stages and be better later on, the relationship will probably have a higher chance of longer term success. I'd wade through the mudd for miles if I had, if I could.
  • MidwesternKid

    Posts: 1167

    Dec 11, 2012 3:17 AM GMT
    You won't know unless you try. There will always be that one or five things a guy will do that drive you crazy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 11, 2012 4:35 PM GMT
    EasilyDistracted saidYou need to decide if you love this guy or if you just love the "idea" of him.
    When you love someone you stick by them even when it hurts, sometimes it's easier than others, sometimes it's not fair, sometimes it's not 50/50.
    If this is "forever" then you will have countless obstacles ahead of you and this is ground zero.
    You can not go into a relationship expecting to change someone, you have to love him "as he is" and give him the room to change and grow.
    It's not easy to hear but... 'it's not about you" so carry on with your life and support him if you can.
    If you can't then it wasn't meant to be and you should be more critical of the feelings that sweep over ALL of us when we first meet someone.


    This is great^
    The truth will set you free, but it's gonna piss you off first.
  • Kel_

    Posts: 1360

    Dec 11, 2012 4:39 PM GMT
    The blue font kind of hurts my eyes.
    But I'll read it after.