Repairing an Important Friendship

  • comical44

    Posts: 723

    Dec 12, 2012 3:25 AM GMT
    * A little long but responses would be appreciated. Thankyou

    My "Little Brother" Ive been mentoring for over a year...Me and him are not on good terms....Im not speaking to him

    The last 5 monthes give or take he has pushed me out of his life....shown no regard for me or my actions and words....Blown me off on numerous...numerous occassions...broken promises and basically has taken everything I do for him for granted and just the person I am for granted.

    Before this started to happen me and him have a very close strong friendship very similiar to a Big/little brother relationship....But after the constant mis-treatment and being constantly burned by him.....and actually having nemerous conversations with him about what hes doing and how it bothers me .....he continued to do the same things that bothered me....I decided to step out of his life.

    His mother was very upset and I honestly believe he is sad about it as well...I know he knows that What he has done has really hurt my feelings because I value my friendship with him so much and hes very important to me....I do believe that even though his actions speak otherwise lately...That I too am very important to him and I play a very important role in his life and he knows this.

    I know that teenagers are moody and unpredictable but that is still no excuse and shouldnt be used a s crutch for his actions and behavior towards me.

    So I havnt seen or spoken to him in over a month and thats hard for me because I feel like I met him for a reason so I can look out for him and guide him....

    The woman who set this mentorship up and his mother have both said that he has a lot of work to do in order for me to let him back into my life and for things to go back to how they were....

    My question is.....How should the process of letting him back in my life go? Hes ruined my trust and I cant depend or believe him so What should I ask/demand from him in order for me to start mentoring him again and to repair my friendship with him?? Im not just going to go back to doing and being there for him because he always burned me etc...ya know what I mean....I want to just get along with him like I use to ..just really hurt over this situation
  • comical44

    Posts: 723

    Dec 12, 2012 3:42 AM GMT
    And just a little background quick....Im heavily involved with him and his family...from doing homework, guitar lessons, zip-lining, meeting with his teachers...almost filled a family member void that might not have been filled I guess...but always having fun none the less
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Dec 12, 2012 4:32 AM GMT
    I know nothing about letting people that burn me back into my life. Usually if they burn me, they are out for good. Once someone crosses a threshold, things can never go back to being the same again. It will always be different because there is always going to be that little ugly demon in the background, that is never going to leave or be forgotten.

    Things can never go back to being the same. It can become something different though.
  • bobbyddadd

    Posts: 85

    Dec 12, 2012 4:39 AM GMT
    You can still indirectly look after him. Like pay attention on what's going on with him now, but don't get involved.
    And you have to wait for him to reach out to you. Even his is teen; he still has to understand and acknowledge what he has done was wrong.
    A man got to learn taking responsibility for what he has done and what he will do.
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    Dec 12, 2012 5:10 AM GMT
    Kids are like a savings account.......you invest in them continually, in good and bad times, even when the dividends take a hit or are 0......you keep investing, because it is a good habit and eventually it pays you back........it is a form of "paying it forward"........if this young man was troubled in his past, maybe he is pushing you away, before anyone can hurt him again.....Kids NEED consistency, they don't admit it or even like it all the time but, it is what builds their trust in you. This is not to be confused with being used and played for a fool by the young man. There is an element of accountability that he owes you for your continued investment......That accountability is important and fosters honesty and discipline.I would suggest talking with a professional councilor or the boys school guidance councilor.......He may just be bored and need a new bigger challenge....Good luck.icon_biggrin.gif
  • comical44

    Posts: 723

    Dec 12, 2012 10:21 PM GMT
    @amoonhawk-Yea I mean I will not forget the inconsideration and some of the other hurtful things he has done (hes never said anything mean)just actions... I really believe that if he just got his stuff together and acted like he use to towards me and everything that entails that overtime I would forgive him.

    @bobbydadd-I agree I try to still watch from a ar but I dont see or talk to him as of lately so thats hard...I cant just shut a switch off about how I care about this little shit . I am just going to wait for him to reach out to me because he will realize how good I treated him and his brother. Im one of the only people who does things with him or for him etc.

    @sport g - Hey the thing is I meet with his old case worker on a weekly basis and have been for over a year so she is in the loop and she gives me her expert advice....shes known them longer than me....and the one the I pride myself on is ive been 100% CONSISTENT with him and his brother....Im ALWAYS there NO MATTER what....If i make plans I keep them and I go above and beyond....When I first met him he was stand offish a little because he didnt trust me and then over time I gained his trust and he knows that and we became very close....Its ironic because he has "trust issue" so I went out of my way to prove to him im here for him, im a good guy and that he can trust me....and he goes and makes someone not want to trust him by his actions
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    Dec 12, 2012 10:43 PM GMT
    Aristoshark saidHe is a teenager, which means he is not fully emotionally or mentally developed.
    You are the adult, which means supposedly that you are.
    So you're going to have to cut him more slack than you would if he were your equal in age and development.
    That doesn't mean being a doormat. He still needs to make amends for whatever he did. But you have to be the bigger guy.


    +1

    People make mistakes, especially the young ones.
    But outside of matters of life and death, so much is ultimately trivial.
    Forgive and move forward.
  • comical44

    Posts: 723

    Dec 13, 2012 3:05 AM GMT
    Hey you guys are def right on many levels....honestly guys I have done that so many times...I let things go...I try not to personalize things too much and I will say thats been something Ive had to learn ya know...because im typically only use to interacting with my own friends and family etc...Its just that he has done so many things that have honestly hurt me and he is really aware of it. Yea maybe some of thine things he might not understand but he does understand. Its funny because he is such a sensitive teenager himself so I feel like he should understand even more.

    My only thing is if I dont step back and stop doing things for him hes going to think he can always treat me like shit etc etc and me still be there and I dont know if I can do that. Im all about through thick and thin but this is becoming very thin

    So help me with my question....If he reaches out to me which I feel like he wants to...his social worker said he will have to do a lot of work in order for me to be back into his life ( because even she thinks he took me for granted) and for me to start mentoring him again....I was so involved in his life in every aspect and he really ruied my trust to some extent....So what should the process be like for me to be back into his life if that makes sense?? Im not automatically gonna go back to how I was with him so can you give me some pointers on some rules and regulations on how to start off with him when the time comes
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 13, 2012 4:00 AM GMT
    I never figured out from this post how old the kid was, whether he knows you're gay, and if he does when he learned that. To someone who knows no more than what you posted, it seems that there might be unstated issues here.
  • comical44

    Posts: 723

    Dec 13, 2012 4:11 AM GMT
    The teenager I mentor is 16...and no he doesnt know. I dont feel like he needs to know that right now. Ill tell him when he is 18 and more mature. I dont think its relevent anyways (thats not a jab at you) just in general I dont think he needs to know that yet ya know
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    Dec 13, 2012 7:48 AM GMT
    comical44 saidThe teenager I mentor is 16...and no he doesnt know. I dont feel like he needs to know that right now. Ill tell him when he is 18 and more mature. I dont think its relevent anyways (thats not a jab at you) just in general I dont think he needs to know that yet ya know

    I was actually wondering whether he suddenly figured it out, or someone told him, and he reacted negatively.
  • comical44

    Posts: 723

    Dec 13, 2012 9:26 PM GMT
    No I dont think that has anything to do with it because I really kept that from him. What triggered it all was he started to change over the summer because he started hanging out with a rally bad kid who was basically a low life and from there this fall he started hanging out with another low life punk ass...sorry to sound harsh but I know them.....And he really changed for the worse in my opinion...He even pushed all of his good friends away and stopped doing all the positive things in his life and turned into a clone of those two kids I guess you could say
  • MidwesternKid

    Posts: 1167

    Dec 13, 2012 9:35 PM GMT
    He needs to learn that when you lose trust you have to earn it back. Don't make it easy on him. This is a chance for you to not only get a good friend back, but to help him learn a life lesson as well.
  • kiwi_nomad

    Posts: 316

    Dec 13, 2012 9:59 PM GMT
    my question is why do you feel obligated to mentor him? like what are you getting out of this (other than that warm fuzzy feeling in your heart I guess)?

    Is his family close to you or related somehow?

    It sounds like he's mixed with the 'cool kids' which may or may not be the wrong crew and he thinks it's cool to ditch his existing friends.

    If it's cause such heart-ache for you I personally would just step away indefinitely. Why is it you feel it's absolutely important to regain a friendly relationship with him again?
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    Dec 13, 2012 10:07 PM GMT
    comical44 saidThe teenager I mentor is 16...

    From what I've heard, 16-19 are the problem/troublesome years. He, hopefully, may grow out of it and hopefully not get into a life of problems/crime.
  • comical44

    Posts: 723

    Dec 14, 2012 2:11 AM GMT
    Yea my main thing with him is he needs to earn my trust back...I just miss the Big/little brother relationship I had with him...very meaningful

    I feel obligated to mentor or atleast be a presence in his life because he doesnt have any family in this state (only mom,step dad,siblings) and he doesnt have any positive people in his life who want to motivate him and encourage his talents and teach him to want more and be a good person etc....even his parents are absent to some extent....I feel like I met him and his brother for a reason....I want them to have more then their parents bc their parents dont have shit and live off the system etc. He's even told me that I do a better job at motivating him in life than his own parents....So I feel like to seme extent its kind of my purpose....This kid reminds me of myself to some extent and its weird and in general we get along really well and I have a fun time with him whether thats zip-lining or doing homework. Its very rewarding to me because I've watched him come out of a dark place and In a humble way I think a lot of it had to do with me and I truely mean that in a humble way.


    I cant give up on him but at the same time I need to teach him that I wont be taken for granted ya know?

    I am close with his family as well.

    Drugs and crime do run in his family and I want better for him because he has everything to be a successful person...I want him to amount to more than his parents because they dont have any achievements.

    And th 2 kids he left all his goof friends for, threw away his talents for and changed for are not the cool kids they are honestly the low lives who arnt amounting to shit....I say this becuse i KNOW them...they are bad influences
  • bobbyddadd

    Posts: 85

    Dec 14, 2012 3:35 AM GMT
    Sounds like you are breaking down and wanting to reach out to him again.
    I still think you should just watch him and wait for him to reach out to you.
    16 years old is not a kid anymore, you gotta be tough and hard to him.
  • comical44

    Posts: 723

    Dec 17, 2012 2:20 AM GMT
    bobbyddadd saidSounds like you are breaking down and wanting to reach out to him again.
    I still think you should just watch him and wait for him to reach out to you.
    16 years old is not a kid anymore, you gotta be tough and hard to him.


    @bobbyddadd-its just hard to not be a presense in his life and have no contact with him I guess. Im not giving in this time trust me but Im very connected to him and his brother so its just a weird feeling to not have communication with him ya know....And I 100% agree with you and actually say that all the time( so doesnt his case worker) even to his mom.....I say "your son is not a 7 yr old child, hes becoming a young man and he needs to stop treating people who care about him and love him like a peice of garbage" no more excuses for him ya know?-He knows how he acts to some extent and he will now realize how much I was there for him and the consequences that happen when you burn the ones who care about you the most and his mohter agrees.

    So I should just let him reach out to me?...I mean thats what I planned anyways
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 17, 2012 3:04 AM GMT
    Being a big brother mentor is a very serious and commendable endeavor. If one's not able to orchestrate and maneuver around a kid's irresponsibility and bullshit, one shouldn't do it. A kid that needs such mentoring (and pulls crap) needs attention and guidance, a role model, and not be abandoned. Either give into your hurt pride and accept frustration in order to give him the help he needs, or bow out and know you failed him.
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    Dec 17, 2012 3:11 AM GMT
    Step out of His life.

    you are not qualified to be doing this.

    If you are unable to understand the the workings of a teenaged mind and emotions without taking it personally...YOU NEED TO LET SOMEONE QUALIFIED take over.

    You are faceless with an empty profile talking about "mentoring" as if you are dating.

    'nuff said "dude?"

  • comical44

    Posts: 723

    Dec 17, 2012 3:23 AM GMT
    Thank you for the insight.

    my profile is is faceless for a reason. I work with kids and thats my choice. I dont know what "talking about "mentoring" as if you are dating" is suppose to mean?

    I feel like I am qualified to mentor and I feel like ive done a decent job. This topic I posted is important to me and the only reason why I posted it looking for advice because I was frustrated and still am frustrated because I genuinely dont want to give up on this kid but how much is too much when it comes to being taken for granted.


    I've done more than a typical mentor when it comes to this specific teenager seeing as his parents are absent and he doesnt have much family. Ive played many roles to him Parental, brother, friend...just tried being someon positive in his life when he doesnt have anyone trying to do that....People are not lining up to help this kid or mentor him so please dont diregard me so quickly

    " Either give into your hurt pride and accept frustration in order to give him the help he needs, or bow out and know you failed him."

    Its not that easy..I feel like this kid is my family

    Im not giving anyone attitude so please dont think that
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    Dec 17, 2012 3:38 AM GMT
    comical44 saidThank you for the insight.

    my profile is is faceless for a reason. I work with kids and thats my choice. I dont know what "talking about "mentoring" as if you are dating" is suppose to mean?

    I feel like I am qualified to mentor and I feel like ive done a decent job. This topic I posted is important to me and the only reason why I posted it looking for advice because I was frustrated and still am frustrated because I genuinely dont want to give up on this kid but how much is too much when it comes to being taken for granted.


    I've done more than a typical mentor when it comes to this specific teenager seeing as his parents are absent and he doesnt have much family. Ive played many roles to him Parental, brother, friend...just tried being someon positive in his life when he doesnt have anyone trying to do that....People are not lining up to help this kid or mentor him so please dont diregard me so quickly

    " Either give into your hurt pride and accept frustration in order to give him the help he needs, or bow out and know you failed him."

    Its not that easy..I feel like this kid is my family

    Im not giving anyone attitude so please dont think that


    He owes you NOTHING.

    A mentor goes out of his way BY DEFINITION.

    You should step out.

    You are not qualified.

    I could say MUCH more here but pretty much EVERYONE -- including you - knows what I am getting at here.

    PS...You shouldn't be on this site.
  • comical44

    Posts: 723

    Dec 17, 2012 3:48 AM GMT
    Well some opinions and advice mean a lot to me on here and help me out but yours DOES NOT....Thanks anyways
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 17, 2012 3:55 AM GMT
    Sounds like you've taken on a parental role as well. Unfortunately he has to learn lessons for himself and usually those lessons are difficult but they are his to learn. Just let him know you love him but you don't like him very much at the moment.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 17, 2012 3:58 AM GMT
    He owes you NOTHING.

    A mentor goes out of his way BY DEFINITION.

    You should step out.

    You are not qualified.

    I could say MUCH more here but pretty much EVERYONE -- including you - knows what I am getting at here.

    PS...You shouldn't be on this site.

    __________________________________________

    Sorry, I don't know what you're getting at. Are you implying that his motives are not what he says?

    Why shouldn't he be on this site? He put up a post in good faith asking for some advice. A lot of the people who replied have offered some insight. He's a genuine guy trying to help someone out.

    Mentoring and teaching is a challenge on the best, easiest day, and it is often very, very difficult, especially when the mentored is a troubled teenager. A mentor becomes friends with the mentored and their families. Without that extra support, it's extra hard to make an impact, and making that impact often takes years.

    I support you, comical44. What you're doing isn't easy. Not every posted here is going to give you useful advice. Some are just looking for "perverts, psycho-stalkers, criminally insane, naughty fetishistic lowlife queer-boy faggots.... blah, blah,blah..."

    Sift through the BS and you'll find support here.

    Good luck.