Straight friend confusion...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 13, 2012 12:36 AM GMT
    So I'm confused and this time it doesn't have anything to do with my own sexuality, but instead it deals with my best friend. I've known him for over a year now, and six months ago I came out to him about being gay. I have had zero romantic, or sexual interest in him and when I told him we had a very casual conversation about it. He said he understood and it never really seemed to be a problem at all. We continued to hang out as usual and our conversations ran the gamut of girls, homosexuality, the meaning of friendship and getting over past relationships. Lately though things have gotten a bit strange. The first strange event happened a month ago when I told him that I had a crush on someone.
    He reacted negatively saying that the relationship wouldn't work if anything happened at all, but then changed the conversation to how he wouldn't date me for our differences...Yet changed his mind mid way through saying it could possibly work out icon_confused.gif I responded that I had no feelings at him at all and that our friendship was completely platonic. With that I thought it could be two scenarios with 1 being that he had some sort of feelings for me and 2 being that he might not like the idea of me being gay despite him bringing it up 85% of the time. No strange incidents really happened after that until last week.
    At his house I asked him why he seemed to get angry when I brought up my interest in other guys where he apologized saying that he didn't want people to think that he was gay. Which was strange as we only talked about this in private and I only said that I was interested in someone without elaborating on the details as to why. We then talked about flirting where he says he has flirted with guys to get things (!) and that I have not been his only gay friend. When I asked what happened to the others he promptly told me that they had asked him to have sex with him, thus ending their friendship. He then asks me why I didn't find him attractive. My response was again saying that I just didn't feel anything for him that way, and said that just because I am gay it doesn't mean that I like every single guy. The conversation then went to him wanting to marry his girlfriend. So, whats up with this? Is he gay? Is he just being curious? My annoyance with the whole thing is that he seems to be wanting me to make a pass at him when I have ZERO sexual interest in him. The fact that he also has a girlfriend who he wants to marry and is recently saying that I should get one to experience dating...Frankly its down right annoying. Any thoughts or similar experiences?
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    Dec 13, 2012 12:45 AM GMT
    everyone wants to feel attractive...

    could also be he's concerned about losing contact with you because of a possible impending relationship..

    could also be he's curious to know what it's like to be with another guy and you'd be the safe option..

    could also be he's just weird...
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    Dec 13, 2012 12:51 AM GMT
    lilTanker saideveryone wants to feel attractive...

    could also be he's concerned about losing contact with you because of a possible impending relationship..

    could also be he's curious to know what it's like to be with another guy and you'd be the safe option..

    could also be he's just weird...


    I agree with all of these...Especially the last one, haha! As for losing contact over me being in another relationship could hold true to an extent if he wasn't telling me to go date.
  • Nayro

    Posts: 1825

    Dec 13, 2012 12:53 AM GMT
    lilTanker saideveryone wants to feel attractive...

    could also be he's concerned about losing contact with you because of a possible impending relationship..

    could also be he's curious to know what it's like to be with another guy and you'd be the safe option..

    could also be he's just weird...


    This, I think that if he sees you are getting along with a another guy better than him he might feel betrayed or something.. Just my thoughts though.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Dec 13, 2012 4:57 AM GMT
    Wow. That is weird.

    But in my experience people are sometimes irrational when they're dealing with someone or something they're just unfamiliar with and know nothing about. Imagine a thought process something like this: "My friend is gay. I like my friend. Could that mean I'm gay too? No. I'm not gay. But I like him. How can I like a gay guy and not be gay? Maybe I am gay?"

    I'm not saying that *is* what is going on but it could be something like that.

    We all want people to not be different once we come out to them but truth is sometimes we don't get what we want. Not because of any overt prejudice but just because they don't know how to think about it or be around it.
  • reptile18

    Posts: 199

    Dec 13, 2012 5:23 AM GMT
    Wow. This topic is so much more interesting than the thread name would suggest icon_razz.gif

    I feel like that's happened to me, despite not being able to remember specific events. I agree with lilTanker. He's not really attracted to you, but he feels empowered by the possibility of you being attracted to him. It's a really weird type of jealously. It's hard to be friends with a straight guy, it really is.

    My only problem with straight guys is that occasionally one of them would be friends with me and I'd all of a sudden feel like they're being really clingy and would follow me around and stuff despite me giving lots of body language signs about wanting to leave. Everyone once in a while, a straight guy will act REALLY weird around me. Like the one at work I keep avoiding.

    For your situation, I think you need to find a new friend. I really do. I mean, he's treated other gay men like that in the past. I really don't think the other gay guys really asked him for sex (that's over the top inappropriate thing for a friend to ask another friend). He's trying to keep you at his side for some odd psychological boost and it's really not fair to you since you're not getting anything out of it and he'll keep trying to "keep you for himself" (but not really).
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 13, 2012 5:32 AM GMT
    Your "straight" friend has a crush on you.

    I'm currently going through the same thing with my "straight" bff. The only difference is I've had lots of experience with this and know how to handle it diplomatically.

    The best thing you can do at this point is to be completely honest about your lack of sexual interest in him. Sure it'll hurt him, but it'll make things better later on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 13, 2012 5:32 AM GMT
    What is wrong with people these days? Should there be a free lesson in life about being rational? Why don't you sit down and figure your problem out in a systematic manner..........I am just saying it in general.
  • reptile18

    Posts: 199

    Dec 13, 2012 5:34 AM GMT
    paulflexes saidYour "straight" friend has a crush on you.

    I'm currently going through the same thing with my "straight" bff. The only difference is I've had lots of experience with this and know how to handle it diplomatically.

    The best thing you can do at this point is to be completely honest about your lack of sexual interest in him. Sure it'll hurt him, but it'll make things better later on.


    He already has... at least that's what I interpret from this quote:

    censorthis1He then asks me why I didn't find him attractive. My response was again saying that I just didn't feel anything for him that way, and said that just because I am gay it doesn't mean that I like every single guy.
  • camfer

    Posts: 891

    Dec 13, 2012 5:36 AM GMT
    Sounds like your friend is bi and is confused about his feelings for you. You being clear with him as you have is the right thing to do. It's his issue to solve. He is lucky to have a clear-headed friend like you.
  • spaceofficer

    Posts: 122

    Dec 13, 2012 5:49 AM GMT
    Daelin said
    lilTanker saideveryone wants to feel attractive...

    could also be he's concerned about losing contact with you because of a possible impending relationship..

    could also be he's curious to know what it's like to be with another guy and you'd be the safe option..

    could also be he's just weird...


    This, I think that if he sees you are getting along with a another guy better than him he might feel betrayed or something.. Just my thoughts though.

    yes this is soooo true, my best friend is a girl and i still hate the idea of her getting close to any guy but me... LOL
  • Machina

    Posts: 419

    Dec 13, 2012 1:19 PM GMT
    This is a very good thread.

    I have a similar problem with my best friend. I came out years ago now to most people except for him. I came out to him a little later than that and in summation of what happened, he was not very happy with me. He was actually offended that I even brought it up and that he had to be burdened, so-to-speak, with this information. Needless to say I was disappointed and a little hurt at his reaction, so we didn't talk for over a month.

    Every time I have made references to it, as I don't really regard my being gay as anything special, the conversations have turned instantly awkward and he seems hugely uncomfortable. Case in point: when we went to grab a quick bite to eat before going to watch a movie several months back, he saw a couple of rather pretty girls walk in to the restaraunt we were at. He kept staring at them and commenting on how hot they were. I actually knew one of them was a friend, of a friend, of a friend, and was a lesbian. I made the comment that she wouldn't be into him, he asked why. Jokingly, I said that we gay folks have highly-attuned "gaydar" eg. "It takes one to know one"; the awkward silence ensued. He then commented that I wasn't gay and proceeded to dismiss everything like it never happened.

    After we hung out that night, I really haven't had any interest in talking to him again. We've been friends for a long time, and usually exchange gifts at Christmas, so I am thinking of having a serious talk with him about where he and I stand as friends. I also feel that while he and I have been friends a long time, I need to feel I can trust him enough to be myself without having to tiptoe around certain issues.

    I guess my empathetic post has become a little long winded, but the point I'm trying to make here is that communication, very open and honest communication is key, or else one is left to feel as both you and I do; utterly confused.
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    Dec 13, 2012 2:28 PM GMT
    In reading this post, I don't seen anything strange at all. You've only been friends for 18 months and you're discussions are going to continue to take you into uncharted waters for your relationship. Straight guys flirt with each other all the time, have the "what are you into?" discussions, trade stories and can be just as weird as we gay guys, if not more. Flirting is part of nature's incentive system.

    As a friend, I think the best thing you can do is not overthink or overprobe any discussions you two have about relationships and sexuality. You have to assume that you're both squarely in the friend-zone. It's a great place to be and hard to get there. Congrats man.
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    Dec 13, 2012 2:44 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidYour "straight" friend has a crush on you.

    I'm currently going through the same thing with my "straight" bff. The only difference is I've had lots of experience with this and know how to handle it diplomatically.

    The best thing you can do at this point is to be completely honest about your lack of sexual interest in him. Sure it'll hurt him, but it'll make things better later on.


    Paul seems to have extensive experience in sniffing out closeted men and getting his way with them. Also like lil'Tanker said, everyone wants to feel attractive.
    I'll add that your friend might be in a 'finding himself' mode as well, feeling insecure about things.

    (When I read the thread title "Straight friend confusion..." I thought- straight people, they all look the same.)
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Dec 13, 2012 3:02 PM GMT
    Gay dating is often no easier than str8 dating.



    icon_neutral.gificon_neutral.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 14, 2012 3:43 AM GMT
    Thanx for all the info guys and sorry for the late response (had to work weird hours yesterday and today).

    @Reptile18: I do think that he is doing this more for an ego boost than a possible genuine attraction to me. For the amount of time we have spent together it is something that at this point makes the most sense. It still can be maddening, though I take responsibility for not saying outright that him asking if I find him attractive is not ok.

    @Myol: I can see what you are saying, but this time it is a bit too disconcerting. I've had and still have many close guy friends where we have a gamut of conversations which never go into one of us asking if the other was attracted to us. Some of the ones I have come out to never asked me such questions or I of them (including a friend who I have known since the age of 2). While I do want to relax about it, it becomes frustrating to have him put boundaries around our friendship if I ever were to flirt with him (which again, heh, I have no desire to), while he practically goads me to. Its a double standard which, again, I want to get to the bottom of.

    @Machina: Sounds even stickier than my situation! Maybe having a serious conversation with him would do good to see at least where you guys stand. When I spoke to my friend about his reactions, as well as if it was something he really didn't want to talk about, it did clear up some of the tension I was feeling. Of course your friend may not be entirely truthful, but at least you'll be able to know a little bit of his reasoning.

    Again thanks everyone who and I'm really appreciating this. He is a very good guy, and our friendship has been terrific so far. My frustration stems from him implying that the friendship will end if I slip up, but it always seems as if he is trying to intentionally make me slip by putting a banana peel under my feet! In all, I am going to be having a conversation and try to understand where he is really coming from. Also, I would really like to establish the boundary of not doing this...I don't even know what to call it at this point...As it really makes me feel uncomfortable. We'll see how this goes!
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    Dec 18, 2012 2:41 AM GMT
    Men want to be attractive. As soon as you mentioned that you're not attracted to him, you piqued his curiosity because part of him needs to be wanted (even if he has no intention of going through with it).

    This same behaviour could happen if a girl he's not interested in also speaks up and points out that she's not attracted to him.

    In both cases, "it's all about him" and has almost nothing to do with you. His behaviour probably stems from his own insecurities and desire to be desirable.

    The workaround to the problem is to avoid the situation. Don't justify who you're attracted to (or not) - it's like trying to justify why you like strawberry ice cream - there are no right answers - your preferences are your own and they are not up for discussion/barter.

    Keep being friends as good friends are an essential ingredient to your happiness. Don't let him go unless he really becomes a weird creeper. Then...