Why do gays treat other gays like outcast?

  • RogerW19

    Posts: 37

    Sep 14, 2008 8:42 PM GMT
    Last night I went to a party with a friend of mine from high school. We didn't really know anyone there other than the guy that invited us. When we walked in it was like the convo died. So i tried to lighten the mood by introducing myself to everyone. As soon as I was done with introductions one of the guys asked our orientations, I just laughed and she told she was straight. Well somehow the fact that I just laughed offended him and he took his friends and they went into the other room and started talking about me. (I know for sure because the guy that invited me told me what they said). So I didn't want to ruin the party, so me and my friend left and now the guy that invited me is being shady. So why if there is so much we have to deal with outside the "gay community" do gays treat each other like outcast?

    I'm just really getting confused cause i'm new to this whole being gay and having gay friends thing. I just want to make friends but it seems that everything I do people find a flaw and use it against me. I really have nowhere to go that I can be accepted, other than fraternity houses, which bothers me b/c they are most associated with dislike for gays.
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    Sep 14, 2008 9:28 PM GMT
    My apologies, but I'm just a bit confused by your story. Was this a nominally gay party? Asking new guests about their orientations as they arrive isn't very common or polite, to my own experience with either gay or straight parties.

    But maybe you're just a victim of the impaired social skills of many young people these days, and it's not a uniquely gay issue at all. Alternatively, I note the place where you live, a state where I lived myself for several years, and I know a little about the homophobic culture.

    Could your hosts have been fearful of hostile straight intruders, causing them to ask you such a tactless question? Is it possible your clumsy response made them question your authenticity as a genuinely gay guy attending their party?

    If so, then go back and reintroduce yourself as a truly gay man, and apologize for any misunderstanding your unfamiliarity with the local gay scene may have caused. Ask them to help you get acquainted with the gay community, including any campus GLBT groups if you're attending college, and name your gay friends that you may have in common.

    I may have misunderstood your story, but it sounds like they could have been as afraid and doubtful of you, as you were unfairly mistreated by them. I'd advise a second attempt at starting off on the right foot.




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    Sep 15, 2008 12:27 AM GMT
    I would find it very weird if I got asked my orientation when entering a room. If your orientation is important enough to change the way they treat you (whether they prefer you to be gay or straight), I'd say those people aren't worth your time.
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    Sep 15, 2008 12:33 AM GMT
    Well RogerW19 I got some bad news for you. Some gays are not very nice people. Just like some straights. I have seen gay guys treat other gay guys atrociously at parties, in bars at sporting events. Fortunately the majority of gays are not like that.

    I must admit I really found it bizarre that someone at the party asked your orientation. Very rude and uncalled for. I guess I am used to being in environments now where people are comfortable being themselves and don' t need to be carrying a card that says "Gay" or "Straight" to fit in (like at today's AIDS walk where I volunteered, most of the people at my table who helped count donations were straight).
  • Coug24_wyo

    Posts: 147

    Sep 15, 2008 12:35 AM GMT
    Those types of very weird situations are exactly why I don't go seeking any 'gay community' while Im here in college. The kind of guys i get along and hangout with are like you, frat guys who are 'straight acting' and most of the time are straight unfortunately! Anyways man I wish i had a suggestion but im stuck in a very similar spot and don't have one for yah....

    Keep your chin up and hang with who you enjoy having fun with, the gay thing will come in time so enjoy college with your friends; that's what I'm doing, and if i find someone i find someone but I'm really not out seeking as in our situation that can be hard.
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    Sep 15, 2008 7:50 PM GMT
    Like others have said, these people don't seem worth your time. Sounds like this guy was a total douche, and chances are you're not going to enjoy spending time with him. I'd suggest finding better people to hang out with. If you're interested in the party crowd and these people happen to be at most / all parties you end up going to, it can be a lot of fun to subtly laugh at their superficiality while you enjoy spending time with your real friends.
    I've been through the whole "gay community" scene in several places, and have found myself happier with just making friends based on their personality, rather than their sexual preference. I've got a nice mix of straight and gay friends now, and none of us hang out with the gay 'scene queens.' Try visiting a local gay community center if there's one around (I bet there is). Maybe they have some social events that may interest you, where you can find people who like to do the same things you do, and not judge you based on their own pre-conceived notions.
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    Sep 15, 2008 8:07 PM GMT
    Personally I think the best way to deal with any social event worries is to make sure your properly pre-gaming before and well intoxicated during.

    Just don't make the mistake of over doing it. Puking isn't funny when they're laughing at you instead of with you.
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    Sep 15, 2008 8:08 PM GMT
    The Bear movement bit was started because if you didn't fit very specific definitions of gay behavior or body type you were shunned.

    Gays are people too, and if we know one thing about people is that they can suck some serious donkey balls.
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    Sep 15, 2008 8:19 PM GMT
    Gay people are obviously sub-human...

    I really didnt get the story, so apologies. Please take no notice if what I say is irrelevant. But does it really matter if one is gay or straight? Saying that, I can almost understand why they would feel that way because the simple disclosure of one's sexual orientation might put people off... especially if one is gay... I dunno... Most of my friends are straight. I really dont know anyone who is gay who I have connected with.

    It is quite rude to ask one's sexual orientation. I am also new to this gay thing as well... You are not alone.
  • jc_online

    Posts: 487

    Sep 15, 2008 8:41 PM GMT
    Coug24_wyo got it right. As unfortunate as it is, people can be jerks. Hang out with who you want to hang out with. You WILL find other gay guys that hang out in the same circles, and will likely not be like those that you encountered at the party.

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    Sep 15, 2008 8:41 PM GMT
    Hay I'm the only fag in the village. No Gay issues around here. We don't leave the room to talk about you. We do it to your face, so you can deal with it. Something all real men can do, deal with it!icon_biggrin.gif