Too soon?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 14, 2008 10:24 PM GMT
    I met this great guy, but he's literally _just_ out of a 13-year relationship (the details aren't important). He's self-aware to know that he isn't ready to date again; and I haven't broached the subject. He is not a "mess"--not any more of one who is going through the natural mourning of his lost relationship.

    I just don't want to fall into the "friend pit". Suggestions? Contact vs. less contact, etc, etc. And no, it's not like I'm dedicated to this guy.
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    Sep 14, 2008 10:36 PM GMT
    Make yourself emotionally available to him. He is going to need good friends to keep him standing.

    But the details are important. If his partner of 13 years was just flattened by a bus his needs are going to be different than if he just discovered his partner had been sleeping around.

    By a friend, keep an eye on him. If he is interested he will reach out to you. If he isn't ready you will know because you will have been around to assess his emotional state.

    Best of luck.
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    Sep 14, 2008 10:42 PM GMT
    MunchingZombie saidMake yourself emotionally available to him. He is going to need good friends to keep him standing.

    But the details are important. If his partner of 13 years was just flattened by a bus his needs are going to be different than if he just discovered his partner had been sleeping around.

    By a friend, keep an eye on him. If he is interested he will reach out to you. If he isn't ready you will know because you will have been around to assess his emotional state.

    Best of luck.


    What he said, but just keep a bit of distance since he probably has friends that are looking after him and you don't want to end up lumped in with them.
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    Sep 14, 2008 11:26 PM GMT
    If he's not ready to date yet, then you have to accept it. Besides...what's wrong with being a friend? I was just friends with my ex-husband for 9 months before were ever dated, and that relationship ended up lasting for over 7 years.

    If he needs a friend, be one.

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    Sep 15, 2008 12:08 AM GMT
    Oh, I don't mind being his friend, but there is definitely that "risk" of falling into the friend slot and thus, losing out on the boyfriend slot. I know that I can't prevent this from happening, but I guess I was curious to see what other peoples' experiences have been.
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    Sep 15, 2008 1:15 AM GMT

    Hey lean_jock74,

    "...but I guess I was curious to see what other peoples' experiences have been."

    As usual, we seem to be either the cutting edge or the supremely redundant. Hah!

    So here:

    When I met Bill, he had ended his 12 year relationship only 3 months before. I was immediately wary, but then he told me he had dated 3 guys in that period and the last had gone on for almost 2 weeks and as soon as he found out Bill was developing an attachment to him, withdrew.

    So I thought, what the hell, and threw myself into whatever made him happy. Perhaps because I didn't paranoic-ly guard my life? You know, zealous of my own freedom and sense of self; feeling that no man should invade my space etc etc. Well, what was I doing with my life that was so darned important that I feared another 'taking over'? Worse, who was I to project that he would feel that way about himself or his own life?

    It's all about taking chances.
    So I did. To my surprise, he was ready alright. Duh, he'd dated a couple of guys so really, I just gave him the benefit of the doubt. It wasn't like I'd never been hurt before and was so delicate that I couldn't handle rejection or being relegated to 'just friends' status. I'd been through that enough times and thought, "Big deal, what's one more?"

    Smartest thing I ever did. No kidding. That was Nov 18. Three weeks later we made a formal commitment to each other on the beach.


    Now, lean_jock74, the details ARE important, as obviously you're interested. Has he had any dates at all since this happened? Bill's LTR before me was not good at all. What was this guy's like that ended it? Do you feel you personally could make a difference where the ex didn't? This information helped me proceed with confidence. I think that confidence showed and made a difference to Bill.
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    Sep 15, 2008 4:25 AM GMT
    joescorpio1970 saidIf he's not ready to date yet, then you have to accept it.

    If he needs a friend, be one.



    My thoughts exactly. Don't press the issue from your end. If things progress into a relationship betweeen the two of you, then great. If not...just let it go.
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    Sep 15, 2008 4:36 AM GMT
    Be his friend, period. If he wants more, he'll let you know.
  • josephmovie

    Posts: 533

    Sep 15, 2008 11:39 AM GMT
    Now what was that saying about wanting the one you can't have?

    Be a friend and keep an eye out for the next bus.