Do you hate your in-laws?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 14, 2012 2:18 PM GMT
    Damn, I really have mixed feelings about one, my "sister-in-law" (though not really an in-law, since my partner & I can't be legally married in Red State Florida, she's just his sister).

    So OK, I had placed an order for a piano as a Christmas gift for us both, that I posted here elsewhere. I play, he sings, and I wanted to accompany him.

    We're up in Boca Raton at her home, and I stupidly show her a pic of the new piano on my iPad. "That's too expensive for you," she says, "You don't play well enough for that." She's both a former opera singer and a concert pianist, and no one can poach on her territory, she's the expert on all things musical.

    I was grossly humiliated, and my partner (her brother) also started to question and belittle me. When we got home I told him I'm canceling the piano order, you don't insult me like that. He can continue to drive 60 miles round trip to his sister's home for his vocal rehearsals, which is what I think she wants, what she feared I might deny her.

    And then, get this, she asks me to make 20 CD copies of her own 1958 piano recital, at my expense. Which I think is a lousy performance, full of flubs. If she ever heard a recording of my own piano recital, from 10 years later in 1968 at the new Alice Tully Hall at Lincoln Center, featuring the Schubert Wanderer Fantasy, it would kill her.

    But I won't do that, it would threaten my relationship with my partner. He loves his sister, as he should. But gawd damn it, I have to endure these insults and say nothing. icon_mad.gif

    Are any of you plagued by your partner's relatives? What insults have they inflicted on you that you had to accept without comment?
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Dec 14, 2012 3:26 PM GMT
    IDK what (if anything) they say about me behind my back; but my long term friend's mother, brother and sister have been very supportive of our close relationship in my presence.

    His mother in particular has gone out of her way to be friendly to me, inviting us both over for dinner several times, taking us to Commander's Palace (one of the top rated, upscale,"establishment" restaurants in this food obsessed city) for Sunday brunch, and texting me with subtle advice on how to deal with her quirky, mood swing challenged, borderline bi-polar (in my opinion) son, giving me insights into his personality, hinting around at her son's quirks & flaws that a mother wouldn't usually say about her son.

    There are times when I suspect she wants me to persevere and stay close to her son more than the son does icon_exclaim.gif
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Dec 14, 2012 3:29 PM GMT
    AD: sounds like a serious case of sibling rivalry goin' on with the sister.

    Is she, by any chance, the middle child?

    I have noticed that many musicians can be quite narcissistic and judgemental about anything that touches their "craft".
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    Dec 14, 2012 7:38 PM GMT
    It's obvious that you'd really enjoy accompanying your partner so it's a shame they put you in a position where you'd consider denying yourself the opportunity so as to spite him and his sister. But maybe since you have him most of the time the rehearsals are their "thing." If you were largely getting the piano to help him rehearse instead of for your own quiet enjoyment, perhaps it'd be best to compromise and downgrade to a less expensive keyboard. If that seems too much like acquiescing for your taste, consider putting the monetary balance towards a gift solely for yourself. That way, maybe, everybody's happy. Oh, and as for the CDs, was this an expressed wish for this year's Christmas present to her from you both? If not, even if it was an innocent albeit ill-timed request, if it really bothers you just conveniently forget she asked.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 15, 2012 4:06 PM GMT
    Some people choose to be assholes. I'm sick of my partner's brother, he never misses a chance to argue about anything, and it's really tiresome when everyone else is enjoying each other's company. On Thanksgiving at their house, I almost cried. I never cry, I didn't cry when my father died 10 months ago. On the rare occasion that we see them, I now refuse to go to their house, seeing them only at our home, where at least I am on my own turf. If that doesn't work out, my partner will have to see his brother by himself. I'm too old to be humiliated by some thick headed schmuck. icon_exclaim.gif
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Dec 15, 2012 4:10 PM GMT
    Bob, first calm down and don't cancel the piano order.

    What the sister said was ridiculous and she should have kept her mouth shut. I wouldn't have been combative, but I would have just stated that I like that piano and I intend to order it. Don't get all overly emotional about the event. Make it clear to your partner that you didn't appreciate his belittling commentary and if he does it again you'll take it up in front of his sister next time..... then let it drop.

    More important things to worry about, thats my approach.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 15, 2012 4:34 PM GMT
    My cousin's wife and her family. I don't want to hear about them nor their kids. I have great relationship with my cousin.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 15, 2012 4:38 PM GMT
    I've never had an issue with any of my former boyfriends' families. Though my latest ex and I broke up some time ago (back in August), I still hang out with his parents. In fact, I'm going to their Christmas party tonight. His dad and I get along really well, and this coming spring he's going to take me bowfishing.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 15, 2012 4:49 PM GMT
    At the risk of this becoming a thread about the piano rather than the OP's more important question, I did want to echo the calls for you not to cancel your order...you deserve an instrument that YOU want, regardless of what other musicians say. That is a question of your standards, not hers. If we all believed what other musicians said about us none of us would play anything. I know this too well myself...

    More to your point, my friend doesn't know what to call her daughter's partner's family - her in-laws without legal marriage. I suggested calling them the 'in-loves' instead.

    My own 'in-loves' just keep telling us that God doesn't approve...so...I do what the Queen Mother would do, and smile and drink gin...probably the worst you can do is to be seen putting obstacles between your partner and his sister. So in my humble view I would consider the piano an investment in your own and your partner's musical life, and make a point of encouraging him to continue his times with his sis too, even if the drive is onerous.

    Buy the piano, and have yourself a very merry Christmas with it - and your partner icon_smile.gif