Crush on straight guys

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 15, 2012 11:28 PM GMT
    I thought I was over this. I really did. I have loved 3 different guys over the course of my life that have been straight. Once in high school, once in college and once a few years ago. And of course it had ended up as nothing but heartache each time. As I got older, I realized (with the help of my therapist) that perhaps I was crushing on these guys because they were unattainable and I knew they would never really go anywhere, so there was no real risk involved. But I have also had full and long lasting relationships with gay men who I have loved deeply. My problem is that the straight guys I have fallen for have been such nice, sweet, kind guys. The epitome of masculinity to me and always great to talk to. Guys I could spend every moment with. And I get frustrated now at 26 wondering why I am not more attracted to gay men that I know. That yet again, I have found myself crushing on a guy I work out with. It really bothers me. He has a girlfriend but I definitely feel a spark with him. I'm not going to sit here and list the reasons I think he's in to me too because he'd be too far in the closet, if gay, for it to even be rational or possible. I just get so depressed about it because I wonder if at the end of the day, I have some sort of problem with myself that I'm not addressing. Why do I feel more comfortable in the company of straights then I do gays? Why do I feel like I can fit in with anybody and not be limited to a stereotype? Sometimes I think I am the one who puts my own limitations and labels on myself. I get so concerned with people thinking I'm gay or not. And come on, I'm 26, live in New York City but I came out when I was 14. When do I just throw my hands up and stop asking why and just start living? I always seem to be attracted to the masculine guys but I feel so homophobic for saying that. Can someone shrink me down and roll me out? icon_surprised.gificon_surprised.gif
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Dec 16, 2012 3:19 AM GMT
    because you have an unhealthy obsession with the performance of gender
  • starboard5

    Posts: 969

    Dec 16, 2012 4:32 AM GMT
    This is more common than you may think, and it's been discussed in the forums before. There are several takes, mine is just one, and it might not apply to you.

    Often, what's going on here isn't love, but a search for validation that's based in self hatred. We're trying to win the validation of fathers, brothers, straight peers, etc. we didn't feel we got or "earned" growing up. But it's toxic because even if one of these objects of yearning did totally validate us by returning the love we think we want from them, it wouldn't work because the longing itself is based in a deep dislike of ourselves, and if they love us, they're no longer the unattainable object we learned to want. It's like a dog chasing its tail. Or, as Groucho Marx said, "I'd never belong to a club that would have me as a member."

    This is an old, ingrained pattern that's hard to break because our self image is based on it, and change to our self image is threatening. You said you're seeing a therapist. Talk to him/her about this. It helps to develop the skill of attention, learning to become aware of your feelings as they arise in the situation and then allowing a space between the feeling and your awareness, so you can rationally intervene. You come to see that it's a completely internal process that actually has nothing to do with the externals, the guys; you're only using them as a trigger to try to play out this game and fix it. It isn't fixable from the outside. It's hard work and there's no easy way around it, but you do not want to spend the rest of your life caught in this trap.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Dec 16, 2012 4:37 AM GMT
    calibro saidbecause you have an unhealthy obsession with the performance of gender

    succinct yet obscure

    Capn_A, when you're truly ready to let yourself have all that you desire, you will. And, indeed, it may be more about relaxing and letting go and being willing to take risks than 'figuring' anything out.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 16, 2012 4:37 AM GMT
    I don't understand why people do this to themselves...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 16, 2012 4:42 AM GMT
    I feel the same way. Although I attribute it to the fact that there are way fewer gay guys than straight guys out there. Plus I really don't hang out with gay people much, so it limits things for me.

    I don't think my attractions have to do anything with unattainability or even a "straight" attraction. I know I am not attracted to them because they are straight, but because they have attributes that I am attracted to.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11836

    Dec 16, 2012 4:56 AM GMT
    I kinda think it's more to do about you being comfortable about your homosexuality....You crush on these str8 guys because it's a "safe" love..These guys never experience your gayness.....You keep this part of yourself hidden from them...When they continue their str8 ways you get hurt....The cycle will continue over and over until you hit your "bottom"...Maybe this thread is your way of realizing this "bottom"...Think about it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 16, 2012 5:11 AM GMT
    The only person between you and happiness is yourself. When you come down to earth and realise you only have one very short life to experience, you will learn to recognise what are your unhealthy obsessions and put them to bed before they develop.

    I think from your other posts you generally don't like to be associated with people who are outwardly gay- growing up in a small town and not owning a single Kylie album myself I can understand. Even though you came out at 14 you care greatly how you are perceived by the rest of the world, but it really shouldn't determine how you live your life and limit your potential for happiness.

    I'm not saying go love the leader of the pride parade- but you should develop a greater respect and understanding of what makes a person, well, a person- not just what they project, and look more for what they can offer you emotionally. The masculinity you love and many guys love is certainly a primal sexual attraction, but your obsession with it should be balanced amongst what else they can realistically offer you- i.e. that they are actually gay and have dating potential and not just a quick bang at 4am blitzed on a bottle of Jack.
  • MidwesternKid

    Posts: 1167

    Dec 16, 2012 5:23 AM GMT
    At some point in time the right guy will come around who has the masculinity you are looking for and is gay. Just be patient. As hard as that may be.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 16, 2012 8:46 AM GMT
    starboard5 saidThis is more common than you may think, and it's been discussed in the forums before. There are several takes, mine is just one, and it might not apply to you.

    Often, what's going on here isn't love, but a search for validation that's based in self hatred. We're trying to win the validation of fathers, brothers, straight peers, etc. we didn't feel we got or "earned" growing up. But it's toxic because even if one of these objects of yearning did totally validate us by returning the love we think we want from them, it wouldn't work because the longing itself is based in a deep dislike of ourselves, and if they love us, they're no longer the unattainable object we learned to want. It's like a dog chasing its tail. Or, as Groucho Marx said, "I'd never belong to a club that would have me as a member."

    This is an old, ingrained pattern that's hard to break because our self image is based on it, and change to our self image is threatening. You said you're seeing a therapist. Talk to him/her about this. It helps to develop the skill of attention, learning to become aware of your feelings as they arise in the situation and then allowing a space between the feeling and your awareness, so you can rationally intervene. You come to see that it's a completely internal process that actually has nothing to do with the externals, the guys; you're only using them as a trigger to try to play out this game and fix it. It isn't fixable from the outside. It's hard work and there's no easy way around it, but you do not want to spend the rest of your life caught in this trap.


    +1

    Really Great post.

    When i was younger i thought that if i was successful (financially), i would be fine, people would want me, lol, dont ask me why, but yea, when i got to that point (working my ass off) and even passed it nothing changed. Then i thought, well, if i get a six pack that will change, and again, nothing changed. Its really a internal journey of self acceptance. Ironically enough, the world outside accepts us more than we do.

    Everything in the above post imo is spot on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 16, 2012 3:30 PM GMT
    starboard5 saidThis is more common than you may think, and it's been discussed in the forums before. There are several takes, mine is just one, and it might not apply to you.

    Often, what's going on here isn't love, but a search for validation that's based in self hatred. We're trying to win the validation of fathers, brothers, straight peers, etc. we didn't feel we got or "earned" growing up. But it's toxic because even if one of these objects of yearning did totally validate us by returning the love we think we want from them, it wouldn't work because the longing itself is based in a deep dislike of ourselves, and if they love us, they're no longer the unattainable object we learned to want. It's like a dog chasing its tail. Or, as Groucho Marx said, "I'd never belong to a club that would have me as a member."

    This is an old, ingrained pattern that's hard to break because our self image is based on it, and change to our self image is threatening. You said you're seeing a therapist. Talk to him/her about this. It helps to develop the skill of attention, learning to become aware of your feelings as they arise in the situation and then allowing a space between the feeling and your awareness, so you can rationally intervene. You come to see that it's a completely internal process that actually has nothing to do with the externals, the guys; you're only using them as a trigger to try to play out this game and fix it. It isn't fixable from the outside. It's hard work and there's no easy way around it, but you do not want to spend the rest of your life caught in this trap.


    Wow. Thanks for putting it like this. Really helpful. I see what you're saying. Now that I'm doing Crossfit and a part of this community I am getting validation from a bunch of these straight guys that I never got when I was a kid. And yeah I was definitely picked on as a "gay kid" growing up so that partially has colored my view of it. Now, as an adult, I'm friends with the guys who would have beat me up or made fun of me as a kid. And you're right, I don't want to dislike who I am or disown a part of who I am but I do notice I can get very closety around my straight guy friends because I don't want them to hate/dislike that part of me. But why is there validation more important to me than my validation? I guess it's experiencing that feeling of being alone and rejection that a lot of us felt growing up that I don't want to feel. But I don't want to disown my sense of belonging I get from straight friends just because they are straight. This is a tough issue.
  • CTHS

    Posts: 135

    Dec 16, 2012 3:47 PM GMT
    you can love me all you want! ;)
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Dec 16, 2012 4:10 PM GMT
    bigDrunner saidI feel the same way. Although I attribute it to the fact that there are way fewer gay guys than straight guys out there. Plus I really don't hang out with gay people much, so it limits things for me.

    I don't think my attractions have to do anything with unattainability or even a "straight" attraction. I know I am not attracted to them because they are straight, but because they have attributes that I am attracted to.


    This is good thinking. Nice, attractive, (hot!) guys are everywhere and with the good ones, you can't usually tell whether they're gay or straight until you get to know them a bit. So you've invested before knowing. And you're already attracted. So just enjoy the friendship and maybe even the slight turn-on. It can be fun! And don't forget, they are figuring you out, too, and chances are they suspect you're gay, and they're having fun with it, too. Relax. It's all good.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 16, 2012 4:25 PM GMT
    You know what you like in a man. That's half the battle. Just because you have not found the right one yet, I don't think you should compromise your standards or settle for less than your standard. I think someone needs to a have full life before they enter into a relationship. Instead of looking for a relationship to make a life for yourself, I think a man should bring a full life into a relationship. At 26 you should enjoy your youth and the experience of dating. You're an attractive and articulate guy who sounds like he has his life together. In other words, you're a catch. Make a guy earn the right to be with you. Also, remember, if a guy isn't into you, it's really more about what he is into rather than anything lacking on your part. I'm sure you will eventually find someone worthy of you who also rocks your world.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 16, 2012 4:46 PM GMT
    I think your therapist is off the mark. Men are all around you. Odds are the nice ones are straight.

    His voice, his hair, his smell...you're wired to find him magnetic.

    You merely need better discipline around your straight friends. You may, I suspect, be out, but not clear. As in, your co-workers know you're gay, but they don't know that you are crushing (or maybe they do, and they're trying to be PC about it).

    Create a wall around yourself built out of your dread of discovery. Tell yourself that you can have feelings about a man only if you admit them to the man out loud. If you cannot do that, which takes balls the size of a Toyota, you must dash those feelings. If you ever do grow those balls, go ahead...tell him. He'll render your feelings academic.
  • chris_hasting...

    Posts: 197

    Dec 16, 2012 4:58 PM GMT
    Capn_A said
    starboard5 saidThis is more common than you may think, and it's been discussed in the forums before. There are several takes, mine is just one, and it might not apply to you.

    Often, what's going on here isn't love, but a search for validation that's based in self hatred. We're trying to win the validation of fathers, brothers, straight peers, etc. we didn't feel we got or "earned" growing up. But it's toxic because even if one of these objects of yearning did totally validate us by returning the love we think we want from them, it wouldn't work because the longing itself is based in a deep dislike of ourselves, and if they love us, they're no longer the unattainable object we learned to want. It's like a dog chasing its tail. Or, as Groucho Marx said, "I'd never belong to a club that would have me as a member."

    This is an old, ingrained pattern that's hard to break because our self image is based on it, and change to our self image is threatening. You said you're seeing a therapist. Talk to him/her about this. It helps to develop the skill of attention, learning to become aware of your feelings as they arise in the situation and then allowing a space between the feeling and your awareness, so you can rationally intervene. You come to see that it's a completely internal process that actually has nothing to do with the externals, the guys; you're only using them as a trigger to try to play out this game and fix it. It isn't fixable from the outside. It's hard work and there's no easy way around it, but you do not want to spend the rest of your life caught in this trap.


    Wow. Thanks for putting it like this. Really helpful. I see what you're saying. Now that I'm doing Crossfit and a part of this community I am getting validation from a bunch of these straight guys that I never got when I was a kid. And yeah I was definitely picked on as a "gay kid" growing up so that partially has colored my view of it. Now, as an adult, I'm friends with the guys who would have beat me up or made fun of me as a kid. And you're right, I don't want to dislike who I am or disown a part of who I am but I do notice I can get very closety around my straight guy friends because I don't want them to hate/dislike that part of me. But why is there validation more important to me than my validation? I guess it's experiencing that feeling of being alone and rejection that a lot of us felt growing up that I don't want to feel. But I don't want to disown my sense of belonging I get from straight friends just because they are straight. This is a tough issue.


    This helps me out too. I kinda have the exact same problem that you do, glad someone has some kind of answer.
  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Dec 16, 2012 5:00 PM GMT
    Forget it, sorry to say . That is inmaturity. He is not sexually attracted to you, why bother trying to get him intersted. You are just being disrespectfull. How do you feel if some guy who you are not interested in, keep harrasing you. There so many masculine gay men around , Straight guy , are attracted to girl not guys.
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    Dec 16, 2012 5:12 PM GMT
    mickeytopogigio saidI think your therapist is off the mark. Men are all around you. Odds are the nice ones are straight.

    His voice, his hair, his smell...you're wired to find him magnetic.

    You merely need better discipline around your straight friends. You may, I suspect, be out, but not clear. As in, your co-workers know you're gay, but they don't know that you are crushing (or maybe they do, and they're trying to be PC about it).

    Create a wall around yourself built out of your dread of discovery. Tell yourself that you can have feelings about a man only if you admit them to the man out loud. If you cannot do that, which takes balls the size of a Toyota, you must dash those feelings. If you ever do grow those balls, go ahead...tell him. He'll render your feelings academic.


    Good points.
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    Dec 16, 2012 5:29 PM GMT
    zakariahzol saidForget it, sorry to say . That is inmaturity. He is not sexually attracted to you, why bother trying to get him intersted. You are just being disrespectfull. How do you feel if some guy who you are not interested in, keep harrasing you. There so many masculine gay men around , Straight guy , are attracted to girl not guys.


    Uh, I'm not harassing anyone. Thanks for the clarification on what straight guys are attracted to.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 16, 2012 5:34 PM GMT
    This isn't about gender or self-acceptance. That kinda theory only works on the assumption that straight men have access to a list of qualities to which gay men are denied. That's bull.

    You're a dude. You're into dudes. You're not only wired to be attracted to those who are attracted to you. How many straight men fall for married women? It happens. It's not the end of the world and it doesn't reflect any inadequacies on your part.

    You just gotta put it into perspective. If you were in love with a gay man who didn't like you back, it'd be the same scenario. I've loved many of my straight friends. Form a close bond with them, share like interests, compatible personalities; in my case, many of my friends are athletes that I find attractive as well.

    You just gotta have a head on your shoulders about it. If you can't deal with your feelings for a friend, you shouldn't be friends with him. And if the friendship is important, just remember to keep those feelings in the right light. It's gonna be like pushing on a bruise but it can be done if you don't let yourself get caught up in it.

    There are going to be a ton of men in your life for whom you feel very deeply who don't feel for you. It doesn't really matter the reason why not. Just learn to deal with the lack of reciprocation, let it make you stronger, and remember EVERYONE IN THE UNIVERSE feels what you are feeling. Being gay doesn't make you unique.
  • bobbyddadd

    Posts: 85

    Dec 16, 2012 6:06 PM GMT
    "If you don't get what you want, you suffer; if you get what you don't want, you suffer; even when you get exactly what you want, you still suffer because you can't hold on to it forever."....................Dan Millman

    A lot of people don't know what they really want. Even if they do know exactly what they want, most of time they still can't have it.
    If you can't be that guy's lover, be his friend. I believe if you are really attracted to him, he must have something else the sexy gorgeous look or body.
    Maybe he is into you too. But he is the "process" now.
    The bottom line, don't give up the entire forest for the sake of a single tree.
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    Dec 16, 2012 6:12 PM GMT
    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

    WHAT HE SAID!

    Very wise. Appreciate what you can have with that person. It's almost selfish to demand that the guy you love loves you back. Appreciate and feel lucky for the friendship. I feel that love's gotta be a driving force for some reason.

    Just don't let it become more than it should be. Love the guy, appreciate his friendship, but still make sure you're still looking for yourself. Cuz no matter how good a friend he is, he'll always be going home to someone else.
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    Dec 16, 2012 6:19 PM GMT
    Absolutely. I don't demand that he love me too. I am goin to be his friend and a good one and I'm not going to make it or let it get weird. He's an amazing guy. And so am I. If its meant to be time will reveal those answers, if not, I am going to appreciate what I do have in my life. One can never be too rich in good friends.
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    Dec 16, 2012 6:22 PM GMT
    Capn_A saidI thought I was over this. I really did. I have loved 3 different guys over the course of my life that have been straight. Once in high school, once in college and once a few years ago. And of course it had ended up as nothing but heartache each time. As I got older, I realized (with the help of my therapist) that perhaps I was crushing on these guys because they were unattainable and I knew they would never really go anywhere, so there was no real risk involved. But I have also had full and long lasting relationships with gay men who I have loved deeply. My problem is that the straight guys I have fallen for have been such nice, sweet, kind guys. The epitome of masculinity to me and always great to talk to. Guys I could spend every moment with. And I get frustrated now at 26 wondering why I am not more attracted to gay men that I know. That yet again, I have found myself crushing on a guy I work out with. It really bothers me. He has a girlfriend but I definitely feel a spark with him. I'm not going to sit here and list the reasons I think he's in to me too because he'd be too far in the closet, if gay, for it to even be rational or possible. I just get so depressed about it because I wonder if at the end of the day, I have some sort of problem with myself that I'm not addressing. Why do I feel more comfortable in the company of straights then I do gays? Why do I feel like I can fit in with anybody and not be limited to a stereotype? Sometimes I think I am the one who puts my own limitations and labels on myself. I get so concerned with people thinking I'm gay or not. And come on, I'm 26, live in New York City but I came out when I was 14. When do I just throw my hands up and stop asking why and just start living? I always seem to be attracted to the masculine guys but I feel so homophobic for saying that. Can someone shrink me down and roll me out? icon_surprised.gificon_surprised.gif




    i find myself suffering from the same problem. although there is no one in particular in my life that i have feelings for now, i generally find myself drawn to guys that i know i have no chance with. there are even some gay guys that i tend to find attractive but are out of my league and they have no interest in me. it's frustrating having to go through this and not have anyone to talk to about it.
  • TheBizMan

    Posts: 4091

    Dec 16, 2012 6:23 PM GMT
    You have a stigma about gay men. Some gay men are just as masculine, genuine, caring, loving, devoted, trustworthy, and cool as any straight guy. The only difference is that you know they are gay.