Dec 15, 2012 11:28 PM GMT
I thought I was over this. I really did. I have loved 3 different guys over the course of my life that have been straight. Once in high school, once in college and once a few years ago. And of course it had ended up as nothing but heartache each time. As I got older, I realized (with the help of my therapist) that perhaps I was crushing on these guys because they were unattainable and I knew they would never really go anywhere, so there was no real risk involved. But I have also had full and long lasting relationships with gay men who I have loved deeply. My problem is that the straight guys I have fallen for have been such nice, sweet, kind guys. The epitome of masculinity to me and always great to talk to. Guys I could spend every moment with. And I get frustrated now at 26 wondering why I am not more attracted to gay men that I know. That yet again, I have found myself crushing on a guy I work out with. It really bothers me. He has a girlfriend but I definitely feel a spark with him. I'm not going to sit here and list the reasons I think he's in to me too because he'd be too far in the closet, if gay, for it to even be rational or possible. I just get so depressed about it because I wonder if at the end of the day, I have some sort of problem with myself that I'm not addressing. Why do I feel more comfortable in the company of straights then I do gays? Why do I feel like I can fit in with anybody and not be limited to a stereotype? Sometimes I think I am the one who puts my own limitations and labels on myself. I get so concerned with people thinking I'm gay or not. And come on, I'm 26, live in New York City but I came out when I was 14. When do I just throw my hands up and stop asking why and just start living? I always seem to be attracted to the masculine guys but I feel so homophobic for saying that. Can someone shrink me down and roll me out?